Relationships

Have you ever been with a man who has a string of past relationships, doesn't like to talk about anything serious, or likes to keep the relationship strictly on his terms? If so, you've probably dated an emotionally immature man.

Let me explain. Some men are emotionally unavailable - they are players, they're not ready to commit to one person, or they're not quite over an ex. But some men aren't capable of having a real relationship at all. They have convinced themselves that they deserve the "perfect girl" who looks like a model, has no baggage whatsoever, will be anything he wants her to be. But no such perfection exists - so it's no wonder their relationships don't last.

Despite this fact, the emotionally immature man continues to keep the real women he does meet at arm's length, always hoping that this "perfect" woman will come along. (And we can say the same thing about emotionally immature women - they are always looking for the "perfect" man.)

Following are some clues to see if you're dating someone who's emotionally immature:

He's focused on himself. He's less interested in building a partnership with you than in figuring out what he wants. He's the first to ask - what's in this relationship for me? What do I need? He doesn't spend a lot of time considering your needs, or asking what you want. If you find yourself in this position, it's important to state what it is you want and need too, even if you're afraid it might drive him away.

He isn't able to talk about his emotions. Some men are great communicators. Others are embarrassed to make themselves vulnerable or admit their feelings. If he feels uncomfortable or tries to change the subject when you have a serious conversation, then he might not be ready to handle a relationship.

He wants the relationship only on his terms. He's not very willing to negotiate or compromise. He might only want to see you on certain days, or when it's convenient for him. Or maybe he wants you to come to his place but is not willing to come to yours. Whatever the case, there has to be balance and equal consideration for a successful relationship - it can't just be on one person's terms.

He's focused on outside appearance. He wants others to think he's successful, smart, a great catch, etc. but he's unable to emotionally connect with a partner. In other words, he may check off on an "ideal man list" but there is no emotional component to back him up. Maybe he won't give you affection, or show affection in public, or declare his love even after months of dating. This is why it's so important to understand what you want and need from a good relationship. You don't want to waste time hoping someone "great" will rise to the challenge and be a good partner, too - you want someone with kindness, respect, and consideration for you from the start.

Bottom line: if you sense the above red flags with your date, or if you're afraid to state your own needs, then it's probably a good indication that the relationship isn't right for you.

Even though everyone seems to be looking for someone with “a sense of humor,” the truth is most people possess one; almost everyone finds something funny at some point. The trick, of course, is to find someone whose sense of humor is similar to yours - and that’s where things can get complicated.

It’s strange; something like a sense of humor seems no more significant than any other common interest, but it’s a strong indicator of compatibility. Think about it: if you meet someone who finds something funny that you don’t (or vice versa) do you simply brush it off, or do you start to get annoyed? Suddenly someone is too juvenile or silly or mean or pretentious or humorless. It’s not just that you’re not sharing that positive moment; you’re actually viewing someone in a negative light.

This doesn’t mean that you have to be the funniest person in the world; it just means that maybe we instinctively tend to place importance on humor for a reason - maybe it’s an indicator of our larger compatibility. After all, when you’re in a good relationship, think of all the “in-jokes” that form. So perhaps we should listen to what our instincts tell us.

Now, this also doesn’t mean that you have to be in sync all the time, or on everything. We’re all unique individuals, and we have our own experiences and biases and tastes. Instead, think of it as a Venn diagram: even if you can’t understand why your date likes that tasteless TV show, maybe there’s something you find funny that they find equally infuriating. Still, if your tastes overlap a sizable amount, you can certainly forgive disparities in humor just like any other differences.

Here’s where things really get complicated: if humor is so important, but we’re told to avoid it on our profile because it’s such an advanced subject and difficult to do well, how can we tell if we’re compatible? Ultimately, the easiest way to tell will be in person, on that first date, just like so many other elements of chemistry. However, you can test the waters a bit if you’re emailing beforehand; try sending a picture you find funny. Just remember that you have no idea where your date is opening that email, so try to keep it safe for work. And again, maybe it’s best to meet in person before you start walking that line of taste anyway.

Since humor isn’t something that really comes across well in person (not in the sense most people mean it anyway, like one-liners), this isn’t really something that should be a priority when you’re looking at profiles. When you’re in person, however, it’s something for which to be on the lookout. Laughing together, after all, is part of that mysterious “spark” of chemistry that you only feel in person.

There’s a common misconception about online dating: some people think that “finding” a significant other through an online dating site means you’ve “fallen in love” without ever meeting in person. While it’s probably happened a few times, it’s not really recommended, and it’s certainly not common. So why all confusion?

Well, when the internet first began to catch on in popularity, the online world was a smaller place. The odds of talking to someone from your hometown or even state were far more slim. At the same time, it opened up a world of opportunity for people who felt it difficult to find friends or romance in their local area. Suddenly they could find the few fans who liked that obscure television show or had the same hobby. Sometimes their feelings deepened, even if they were in other towns or countries.

That can still happen today, but online dating sites are more like the evolution of the town dance hall than a worldwide Love Search. More people have the internet, so it’s possible to find a fellow obscure TV show fan in your very own city. Sure, you may have all the benefits of an internet-wide search, but you can usually find a sizable pool within a 50-mile radius - so most online sites operate under the assumption that you’re looking locally. And when you’re looking at a local profile, there’s really no reason not to meet in person and quickly move to the next level if there’s chemistry - so why not find someone local if you can?

Perhaps the real misconception people have is that they think online dating sites are the actual place in which you fall in love. In reality, most sites are designed to be the bar or grocery store or mall in which you “bump” into one another. You get a first impression, a quick once-over to decide if you’re interested in meeting and testing your chemistry; you aren’t intended to fall in love with the profile.

It seems like a relatively simple and obvious difference, but perhaps due to this societal confusion, signals get muddled all the time. People stress out over how to phrase the smallest sentence. Others freeze and delay their first date because they focused on their profile so much they never really thought about meeting in person.

So as you settle down to peruse profiles, bear in mind: an online dating site is really only a medium in which to say hello. The big decisions should only come after meeting in person. It can help you make a smooth, planned first impression, but it shouldn’t be the only impression - so try not to stress about feelings or the future until after you’ve verified that there’s really a spark there.

It’s no secret that the dating world is a little... idealized. For example, while we’d like to believe that how we look on our first date is how we look 24 hours a day, seven days a week, we all know that’s not true. We all know that we tend to focus on what we’d like to on a weekend more than what we actually do - because what we actually do is catch up on TV and personal grooming and, well, that’s not that glamorous. There’s always a little bit of fudgery going on, and it’s to be expected.

However, there are some things you don’t want to fudge. In fact, if you do, it could potentially waste the time of both yourself and others. So, what are these sacred truths?

Well, the easiest catch-all category to bear in mind is that you should never lie about what you want for the future. A prime example of this is children. There are those who think they’ll get more dates if they say they want children when they don’t. There are others who think they’ll succeed if they say they don’t when they really do. But here’s the thing: whatever end of the spectrum you land on, at the end of the day you’re probably not going to change your mind. Neither will your partner - and they’ll be extra hurt that you lied in the first place.

Yes, when you’re dealing with the future, you’re dealing with Big Issues. Another example of this: if your big dream is to move far, far away from wherever you are now, and you’re actively attempting to make this happen, make sure your date knows this. Maybe they, too, want to flee their zip code. But if it’s an actual, potential possibility, they deserve to know before they become emotionally invested.

Many people actually rely on the concept of emotional manipulation - they’ll say to themselves, “I’ll wait to tell the truth until later.” What they mean is, “Until I think there’s a chance they’re so emotionally invested they won’t leave.” Sure, they might not think of it in such callous terms, but that’s really what they’re thinking. And it’s bad logic; in reality, good relationships are founded on trust and honesty. Finding out you’ve been lied to from the very beginning puts a large crack at the very base of the foundation. If anything you run the risk of your partner getting more upset than they would have otherwise.

So if you’re thinking about telling a white lie on your profile, or obscuring the truth, ask yourself if you’re trying to fudge a Big Issue. Exaggerating your level of fitness is one thing; saying you’re not interested in marriage when it’s actually your end goal is something else entirely. And ask yourself: if your compatibility is based on a lie, is it the sort of relationship that will really make you happy?

You’ve probably already learned that one should be proactive when it comes to online dating. Rather than waiting for the emails, winks, and communication to come from others, people are most successful when they reach out as well. However, there’s another area in which being proactive can really help: during the search process.

See, when it comes to looking at profiles, many actually choose to sit back and only peruse profiles recommended to them by the online dating site. They figure these sites have ways of figuring these things out, so they must know best. However, custom searches - or even just general browsing - can produce results of equal or greater value.

For example, your site might already attempt to match up common interests, but what about common values or personality traits? Perhaps it’s particularly important to you that you find someone kind. Well, that’s a nebulous quality, and a very specific word. What makes someone kind? And would they even describe themselves in that way?

So here’s where you get imaginative. Break out the thesaurus. Think about what images come to mind - charity work? Volunteering? A fondness for pets? Do some shot-in-the-dark searching, and really read the profiles you find - sometimes you can read more between the lines than you’d expect, and maybe even get a more accurate measure of the person than what they say about themselves.

Remember to keep an open mind. Maybe some specific image or quality has gotten you started on that path, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find someone amazing in a different way on your journey. Bookmark and take down names of people you’d like to look at more closely later - when you check out many profiles at once, they can blend together. Remember: you’ve got a vague idea in mind of who you’d like to find, but you honestly don’t know who your end goal is. Be prepared to branch out; after all, one of the benefits of online dating is that it can get you out of your typical social box.

Finally, remember that you’re looking to fall in love with a person, not a profile. Don’t place all your eggs in one basket, and remember that the in-person date is where the question of compatibility really starts to clear up. So bear in mind that any search is just a starting point. A search is about uncovering possibilities; doesn’t it make sense, then, that you’d want to be proactive with your searches and find as many options as possible?

When starting a new relationship, it's easy to get lost. You want to spend all your free time with your new love, and friendships and family often get neglected. Perhaps even your own needs get neglected too, especially if you're fighting to make a relationship work.

So what can you do to preserve yourself - and your own identity, friends, and social connections - in the midst of love?

Try these steps:

Set goals for yourself. It's important to pursue individual goals as well as goals that you have as a couple. We all have a sense of purpose, and if we neglect our own to support a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse, we're going to build up frustration and resentment. Establish your own goals - career or otherwise - and make them a priority. Give yourself a timeline or schedule if you must, but be sure to keep working toward them.

Make time for your friends. Schedule meet-ups with your friends in your calendar, and don't cancel them to make room for your love's plans. You had your own friendships before you met him, and it's important to maintain those bonds. He will understand - don't stop living your own life to be with him.

Speak up. Is there something that bothers you, or that you want to say? No matter how big or how small the request - wanting to choose the restaurant next time, or telling him how frustrating it is when he is watching TV while you're trying to talk, or making a decision about how much money you're each going to put away in a retirement plan, say what you want to say. Don't take a back seat to his or her opinion. Be sure to state your own wants and needs in any relationship.

Know your limits. It's important to be able to set limits in any healthy relationship so you can manage your expectations as well as your partner's. Know what you can tolerate before you start feeling stressed or angry or even uncomfortable. You're not always going to get along, so it's good to navigate feelings of frustration and learn what works best for each of you.

Don't avoid confrontation. It's good to listen and engage with each other, especially if you differ on something that is important to you. Talk it out. There's no need to blame or be aggressive. Just be open to talk about both of your needs and really listen to what the other person has to say. This way, you can come to a good compromise.