Relationships

When it comes to online dating, much of the advice is centered around helping you land that first date, or even that first email. You’re focused on standing out, whether it’s through a funny headline, an unconventional default picture or just the fact that you’ve run spell-check, because you are only one of many people on dating sites and you want to be memorable. At the same time, you try to use the “numbers” aspect of online dating to your own advantage, emailing everyone who interests you because even a small return rate would be significant.

These methods are all geared towards “getting your foot in the door,” and for some people that’s all they need - a foot in the door. But some people only focus on that first date; once they get past it they aren’t prepared to mentally switch gears. Here are a few ways being slightly more prepared to do so can help your chances of building a lasting relationship.

First and foremost, think of the difference between a first date and a relationship as the difference between a sprint and a marathon. A marathon might brief periods of sprinting, that take priority at the time, but you don’t completely forget where you are. Similarly, you might know that getting your “foot in the door” is a necessary first step, but if your eventual goal is a long-term relationship, don’t forget it! How might this affect your decisions?

A prime example is in choosing the people you contact in the first place. Some people get so caught up in the “numbers game” aspect of online dating that they don’t really consider whether they’d be compatible with an individual. Then they find themselves on a first date with nothing to talk about, and wonder where they went wrong when it doesn’t go anywhere!

Another example is in how you mentally approach a first date. Some people get caught up in “rules” or “tricks” or “techniques.” They view a date as some kind of elaborate mating ritual or challenge they must conquer. They completely forget that in order to have a lasting relationship, you generally have to genuinely like your partner. Not every two people share romantic chemistry, and that’s okay; but denying yourself a proper chance to determine if there is that spark by being someone else is not.

So as you sit down to write first-contact emails and go on dates, ask yourself: by focusing on the sprint, have you forgotten about the marathon?

Many people find the need to tweak their online profiles after they’ve been out in the dating world for awhile. They’re not doing it just to keep things fresh or erase that reference to a TV series that’s since been cancelled; they’re actually changing content about who they are and what they want. Why? Have they actually changed in that short amount of time?

Not necessarily. However, some develop what might be called a “single persona” and a “couple persona.” It’s not done intentionally, and it’s not even necessarily negative. Here’s a fictional example:

Tim entered his last relationship when he was still in college, getting married shortly after he graduated. Now in his thirties, he’s divorced and newly single. He goes to write his profile - but it’s hard to identify where he had ended and his ex had began. Most of their interests were shared, and now he’s reminded of her, at least temporarily. Were they even his interests to begin with? He’s not sure. He defaults and begins to write about himself as he would have back the last time he was single - but that was back in college. He’s changed and grown since then - he’s just not sure into who.

After a few months, though, he’s got a slightly clearer picture. Not everything reminds him of his ex, and he’s beginning to realize that he misses birdwatching, even though it was something introduced by his ex. He’s beginning to sort out who he is, as an adult, not serving as the foil to someone else. Is it any wonder, then, that he feels the need to rewrite his online profile?

So if you happen across a profile after a few months and the tone has changed, don’t immediately jump to sinister conclusions - if they’re not literally a completely different person, it’s entirely possible they’re only just figuring out who they really are. And if you’ve been in the dating world for awhile, it couldn’t hurt to glance through your own profile. Do you think it still reflects who you are today?

When you first decide to take the plunge into the world of online dating, the smallest decisions can feel like big ones - and for some, the nerves start right from the beginning, in choosing an online dating site. What they often don’t realize, however, is that the decision is much smaller and less final than they think - and there’s no need to stress about it.

The most common worry is that they’re wasting their time with a site covered in metaphorical tumbleweeds, while meanwhile there’s some other site that’s a hotbed of activity - or at least has more compatible prospects. However, this fear is easily mitigated in several ways.

First, there’s no reason why you can’t check out a site before you decide to create your own profile, and decide which one is right for you. Many sites are free, and others at least feature a free trial. It also helps to get recommendations from friends and family, and read reviews online, remembering, of course, that what really matters is whether you’re comfortable. There’s no reason you should go in completely blind.

However, occasionally you’ll make your informed decision and still ultimately decide it’s not a good fit for you. This is where people often make their mistake; rather than acknowledging that they might be happier in a different venue, they stay on for months longer than they should. Perhaps it’s a “slot machine” mentality - they’re afraid that if they walk away, someone amazing will come along the second they’re gone.

That’s actually pretty unlikely. If the problem is that the people on the online site don’t seem to share your interests or aren’t at the same place in life, there’s no reason they should attract anyone different soon. If the problem is that there just aren’t that many people on the site, chances are most of the people who have profiles on the “tumbleweed” site also frequent sites elsewhere - so you’ll probably encounter that amazing person anyway.

And, of course, that brings up the final point: there’s no reason why you should limit yourself to one dating site, especially if they’re free sites. The beauty of the internet is that you can exist in more than one place at once; it’s not the same as choosing the one bar or club in which you’ll spend your evening. As long as you remember to keep up your profiles, why not maximize the benefits technology can bring, at least until you decide which site you like best?

As you can see, choosing an online dating site is not casting your future in stone. You can always do a trial run, change your mind and try somewhere else, or even have your cake and eat it if you’re torn between multiple options. So enjoy the benefits of online dating, and save your nerves for your first date! Go here to find our complete list of reviewed dating sites which you can break down by category. If you would like to specify certain attributes of the service you are looking for then I would visit our advanced dating site search page.

We know the Internet is good at bringing people together. Now, new reports suggest that it may also be good at tearing people apart. As the popularity of online dating grows, the divorce rate is also on the rise.

Studies charting the rise of divorce over the past 30 years reveal that the UK now has the highest divorce rate in all of the European Union (nearly 20 people in every 1000 divorce each year). Even Denmark, which has historically had the lowest divorce rate in the EU, has seen a marked increase.

Could online dating be a partial culprit?

As the Net spread in the 90s, the first dating sites were born and more and more people turned to the Web to find love. Now there are nearly a billion online daters in the US and Europe, and divorce is more common than ever. With one notable exception: amongst religious communities, the divorce rate is lower than in non-religious communities.

A study of religious groups shows that the rate of divorce amongst Christian communities is, on average, 53% less than amongst the non-religious. Another report says that while stats like these can't determine a clear reason for divorce, the numbers could support the argument that religious marriage is considered more important than civil marriage.

Why might that be? Experts have several theories:

• In this day and age, it's much easier to disconnect from someone if a relationship isn't working and remain confident that there are plenty of other options waiting online.
• People's interest in long-term relationships may have eroded now that they are faced with so many options for romantic relationships. Why settle down when you can date without serious commitment?
• Successful relationships are most likely to occur when a couple shares beliefs that transcend civil beliefs. There is also greater social pressure in religious communities to make marriages work.

Is this enough info to say definitively that online dating has increased divorce? Definitely not. There could be a correlation, but it isn't enough to prove causation. Still, it's interesting to look at the stats:

• 20% of current committed relationship began online.
• 17% of marriages in the last year began on an online dating site.
• 80% of current committed relationships began offline.
• 84% of marriages in the last year began because the couple met in a bar, through social connections, or during some other activity.

Food for thought.

I was having dinner with a friend the other night and she confessed this to me: "I have no problem meeting guys and flirting. I get asked out a lot. But none of them seem to be able to handle my personality! I can't get to the next phase of the relationship."

My friend is a smart, attractive woman who owns her own business. She's a great catch. She doesn't have unrealistic expectations for the guys she'll date. So what's the problem?

She feels that her outgoing personality might be a turn-off.

While it's true that some men tend to shy away from a woman who likes the spotlight and takes charge, I can't say she's right. I know many men on the quiet or shy side who love their gregarious and outspoken wives and girlfriends. So how do you work around this issue?

First, I'd say it's good to know your personality and embrace it, instead of trying to hide it. If you are outspoken and love meeting new people, use it to your advantage. Accept invitations to parties, introduce yourself to new people, and be the first to approach and strike up conversation. People are attracted to all different personality types, so don't feel you're limited in some way because you don't live up to the male or female stereotypes.

Second, I'd also ask you to evaluate how you interact with the men you meet. For instance, do you tend to talk about yourself? Or do you get nervous and start rambling on about a particular subject? Or do you feel the need to impress by listing your professional credentials or client roster in order to keep someone interested? If the answer is yes for any of these, you need to rethink your approach. People like to engage, which means they also like to talk about themselves and their own interests - not just yours. Also, it's a turn-off if you come across as arrogant. Take a step back and see if there's anything you could change in your approach to be more inclusive in your conversation.

And finally, I'd make a suggestion to try a different tactic with how you date. If you're used to being in charge and choosing the places to go, then stop. Let your date take the lead, even if he takes you to someplace you can't stand. Just because you tell people what to do in your career doesn't mean it works well in your personal life. The point is, it's important that there's mutual respect in any relationship, especially in the beginning when you don't know each other.

Most importantly, enjoy yourself and engage fully with your date. The rest will take care of itself.

You really like a woman you met through an online dating site, and you want to impress her. But making a plan has never exactly been your strong suit. You prefer hanging out with your friends at the same local bar, which is fine, but probably not something you want to do with a date.

Instead of stressing out and asking people for advice on where to go or what to do, it's time to do a little homework yourself - with help from your smartphone.

We're all attached to our phones these days, which gives us instant access to news, reviews of the places around us, and ideas for what to do. So it's time to make your phone work for your dating life, too.

Following are some tips for how to use your phone to create a dating advantage. (But remember to put it away when you're actually on the date...)

Read reviews. Yelp can be your best friend if you're trying to pick out a restaurant to meet. So can sites like CitySearch.com. Look for restaurants that have many reviews as opposed to just one or two so you get a better overall opinion base. Also, you can see what to expect as far as ambiance and pricing by the descriptions - it's better to go with someplace on the quiet side so you can hear each other talk.

Utilize apps. Do you download apps all the time, or are you loyal to just a few? It will help your dating life to branch out. There are apps for everything - Cor.kz will help you choose what wine goes best with your dinner, Waze can help you navigate through bad traffic so that you're not late for your date, The HappyCow VeginOut Guide tells you which restaurants offer vegan or gluten-free options for your date with dietary restrictions. And if the date isn't going so well? eHarmony's Bad Date Rescue will make a fake emergency call to your cell phone to help you get out of it. (You can even specify the time in advance, and what the emergency will be, just in case.) If you have a question, likely you can find an app to help.

Keep up with the news. I don't recommend delving into politics on a first date, but it is good to be familiar with the headline news so that she knows you pay attention to the world around you. An app like Pulse aggregates headlines and lets you scan the stories you find most interesting.

Do your homework. There's no excuse for not knowing a little something about your date before you meet her. In addition to reading her online profile, do a Google search. You might be surprised to find that she has a blog or that she's won some awards for her sculpture art, or that she's training for a marathon. These can be conversation starters if you find it difficult to get started.