Relationships

There's something to be said for the age-old relationship advice "take it slow." After all, you don't want to put your heart on the line for a relationship that doesn't have any legs.

When you first meet someone and you find him incredibly compelling and attractive, or you have amazing chemistry, it's hard not to fantasize and get excited about where the relationship will go. After all, chemistry doesn't happen often.

Just because the two of you have good chemistry or find each other very attractive doesn't mean that you go fast forward into a new relationship. Actually, I recommend the opposite - what may sound counter-intuitive to you - to go slow.

While chemistry is important, keep in mind that this is a person you don't know. While you may share a few intimate details with each other on a first date, you hardly know anything about him - how well he communicates in a relationship, what his day typically looks like, how he interacts with his friends and family, and how he treats people in everyday life. All of these things aren't questions to be asked, but observations to make over time.

Also, you don't know if you're both looking for the same thing when it comes to a relationship. Ever had the experience of a fabulous first date, envisioning your relationship progressing to romantic weekends together and taking him to meet your family? Were you expecting to see him a couple of days later, and then suddenly he disappears, with no text or call? This can happen for a lot of reasons - perhaps he wasn't looking for a relationship, or maybe his perception of the evening was a little different than yours, or maybe he met someone else.

It's a waste of energy to try and figure out what went wrong. It's best to move on, and to take a different action the next time. Instead of allowing your mind and heart to jump ahead to your future relationship, concentrate on the present.

When you're embarking on a new relationship, it's important to keep your own life moving forward. Keep dating other people, make plans with your friends, and see how the relationship progresses. Set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Get to know him in different settings, including with your friends (who can be objective observers). Don't share all the intimate details of your life or skeletons in your closet with him right away - leave some mystery.

Most importantly, stay in the present instead of fantasizing about what your future relationship will look like. It will allow you to see and understand more, and truly know if he's right for you.

For many, online dating is an all-or-nothing decision. Once they’ve decided to sign on, they’re looking up all they can about writing a great profile, they’re contacting others right away, and they want to get this party started. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this approach; in fact, that enthusiasm can shine through into their profile.

But not everyone has that extroverted personality that allows them to dive in immediately. What many don’t realize is that taking the slow, careful approach to online dating can absolutely work as well.

First of all, while there’s nothing wrong with enthusiasm, sometimes in our rush to create a profile immediately we can get a little sloppy. Whether it’s a simple typo or a completely different approach, many wind up editing their thoughts later. On the other hand, there’s nothing that says you absolutely have to have a profile before you begin perusing those of others. Becoming familiar with dating profiles, making notes of what you like, even checking out the competition and making notes on that - these can all help you formulate and refine your own thoughts before you even sit down to write.

Some people are nervous about setting foot into the dating scene at all, and online dating is a perfect way to ease in gently. Instead of forcing yourself to meet someone face-to-face, you can get a sense of what might be out there from the security of your own screen.

And, indeed, that can lead to additional enthusiasm. If you’ve ever read an online forum or social networking site without your own profile, you may have found that by the time you do sign up, you’re familiar with the site and eager to contribute. By waiting to create a dating profile until you’ve already seen a few people you’d like to contact, you’ve turned the whole thing into a positive, fun event, without the anxiety of wondering where to begin.

Thus, being a bit introverted or shy is no reason to think that online dating has to be daunting or uncomfortable. Even more so than other methods of meeting someone, online dating sites allow you to move at your own pace. And when you do start sending those first-contact emails and writing your profile, you’ll be all the more confident and ready.

Abby was getting discouraged with online dating. Well, to put it more accurately, she was getting discouraged with dating in general. She felt pretty confident about the online aspect; she got a fair amount of emails, both sent to her “cold” or in response to ones that she sent first. She’d been on several first dates, and so far hadn’t had any negative surprises. But they never seemed to progress past that first-date stage.

When asked, Abby admitted that she’s not just pining away by the phone; she didn’t feel a spark, either. “So,” “I reasoned, “You aren’t going on multiple dates with people you’re not interested in and who aren’t interested in you. And that’s... a bad thing?”

Abby laughed. “Well, when you put it that way...” she said. “I guess it just feels like I should be measuring my progress by the length of the relationship. I want a long-term, forever-relationship. I feel like maybe I should try to go for longer than two dates if I’m trying to go for the marathon, you know?”

I shook my head. “Even if you date someone for a few months, if you’re not feeling it, it’ll end eventually. And then you’ll be right back at that first-date stage. Isn’t it better to spend that few months going on dates with people who actually have the potential to be that marathon relationship?”

Ultimately, Abby has to shrug off her preconceived notions about what dating and success should “look” like and concentrate on actually finding a partner she clicks with. Now, that’s not to say she’s done everything perfectly; perhaps she needs to evaluate why she’s not clicking with anyone. Is she searching out the right kind of guys? Is she looking for some measure of perfection that doesn’t exist?

But these are separate, internal questions that she can deal with on her own time. If she’s comfortable and honest with the answers, it’s entirely possible that she just hasn’t found a truly compatible person yet. In the meantime, she need not despair: choosing not to waste her time, and her date’s, by pursuing an incompatible relationship is perhaps the farthest thing from failure.

So, you’re ready to go on your first date. Whether you’re heading out for a night at the opera or just meeting up for coffee, chances are the process in your head is rather formal. Think about it: two people meet to assess their compatibility. They’re sizing each other up for long-term relationship potential. They’re checking for red flags. Most importantly, they’re trying to get this first-date-stage over and done with so they can move on to the next stage in their relationship. How romantic, right?

It doesn’t help that most of the media we consume - TV and movies - only perpetuates the formality of a date. You might see two people walking along, getting to know each other and having a good time, but chances are it’s set up as an impromptu meeting, not a “date.” You’ve probably seen characters stress over whether they’re “really on a date” or whether “this means they’re dating.” The “date” label almost has more weight than “being in a relationship.” It certainly seems to carry more stress.

But it doesn’t have to! A “date” is, quite literally, what you make of it. Yes, there’s some part of your brain that’s checking for red flags, and the actual point of a first date is to assess your chemistry. Still, that doesn’t mean it has to be a dull question-and-answer session! A great sign of chemistry is whether you can have fun together, so aim for the fun first and see where you wind up.

This might mean coming up with a more unconventional first date, like an air hockey arcade, but don’t feel pressured to come up with something wild - the main goal is to get to know one another, which is why coffee or food in a place where you can talk is such a popular option. No, the fun actually lies in the getting-to-know-you phase - can you joke together? Do you have anything to talk about? Do you have similar ideas when it comes to a good time?

Remember, chemistry contains mutual physical attraction, but more importantly, it also means you like one another. So as you set out on that first date, focus first on that. You’re heading out for a few hours spent with someone who could be great company! Put the formal assessment on the back burner, and look for the fun.

You've been out a couple of times with a man you met online, and you're just not feeling it. He sends you a text to see if you want to get together that night and you'd rather stay home and watch your DVR. So what do you normally do? Do you let him down easy, telling him that you're really busy with work and can't pursue a relationship now? Or maybe you take a more direct approach, telling him you're just not interested in him.

Apparently, how you break things off with a potential love interest depends on your gender.

According to a recent study reported on DatingAdvice.com, women tend to let their male suitors down more easily. Women are much more sensitive about hurting a man's feelings than men, the study reports.

Participants were presented with an emailed date request, and were told to respond authentically and honestly. Rejection strategies varied from person to person, but researchers found that most responses fell into one of seven categories: direct, explanation, apology, appreciation, concern, encouragement, and pursuing a different relationship (i.e. being friends).

Most men were likely to respond to an unwanted date with direct rejection, while the women tended to prefer responding with encouragement or appreciation.

When I was dating, I often fell into this trap too. I wanted to let my dates down easy, even if I wasn't interested. Sometimes this meant I dated them longer than I intended, and sometimes it meant I made up excuses of being busy to avoid seeing them. This was not a good approach, and one date called me on my bad behavior and told me that I needed to be honest. He told me that while most women tried to be nice, men appreciated the women who were direct and didn't waste their time if they weren't interested. "Forget about saving feelings," he said to me. "I'd rather not waste my time if this isn't going anywhere. I'm a grown man. I can handle it." That was a true wake-up call for me.

So what's the best approach? In my opinion, it's better to be direct (without being rude or arrogant of course). As my former date mentioned, who wants to be strung along?

My suggestion is to let the guy know that you just don't feel a connection, sooner rather than later. There's no need to drag things out if you're not having a good time. Remember: you're not responsible for how he reacts to the news, so there's no need to feel guilty and make excuses. Instead, be honest, and don't get upset if the next guy you date is equally honest with you. A relationship is right when it's right. You can't force attraction.

More and more, you’ll probably encounter people with opinions on online dating. And more and more, they’ll probably be contradictory.

“I didn’t meet anyone remotely interesting!” “All my friends have met their significant others that way in the last five years.” “You have to really put yourself out there, and try dates with people you wouldn’t expect.” “You have to be picky, right from the beginning.” How is it possible that the experiences could be so varied? Are half the people wrong?

No, they’re probably giving an accurate summary of what they feel their experience was. But there’s the first important component: it’s not your dating experience, it’s theirs.

And the second component: at this point, online dating is not some tiny, specific niche. It’s not “computer dating” - it’s just dating. It’s a different way of finding each other, yes, but it’s now just another option, like a blind date or a chance meeting are. So you have tons of people utilizing online dating sites, and you have dating sites that fit just about any niche-within-a-niche you can think of. The possibilities are too large, too varied, to be summed up in one experience.

Still, thanks in part to the stigma that dogged online dating for years, people tend to focus on that beginning, and the rest of the relationship, with its many twists and turns, becomes wrapped up in the “online dating” heading. When you think about it, it’s kind of like calling all relationships with first dates in coffee shops “coffee dating.” Or all relationships that stem from a chance meeting “serendipitous dating.”

It might be a little silly, but on the other hand, it truly demonstrates that your dating experience is highly personal. Thus, we can take some stories with a grain of salt, and take notes on tales we want to emulate. We can switch sites if they don’t feel like the right fit, and we can compare notes with friends because chances are, they can relate in some way.

We don’t have to feel like we’re in some isolated niche, because the frustrations and triumphs we experience aren’t really that specific. It’s online dating - but it’s also just dating. And now it’s more popular than ever.