Relationships

Lately I've found myself consumed by the world of marketing. A new job as a social media assistant has me learning things I never thought I would - a new vocabulary, new lessons on how the mind works, a new approach to writing and delivering content.

It's been a fun challenge to immerse myself in something so unfamiliar, but what's been most fun is discovering the ways that marketing isn't really so unfamiliar after all. In fact, it bears a striking resemblance to online dating, and there are quite a few lessons from one that can be applied to the other.

Don't believe me? Check it out:

1. Personalization is the way to go. Think about all those marketing emails you've gotten (maybe even from your dating site). Notice how most of them say "Hi _____" and actually insert your name? That's personalization. It makes you feel like the email was sent just for you, tailored to your specific needs. Your online dating messages should be the same. Don't send a generic message to a prospective date - say something that shows you've actually taken an interest in who they are and what their profile has to say.
2. Create a call to action. When successful marketers want you to do something, they tell you what it is. That button that says "Sign up today!" or "Register now for your free trial!" is known as a "call to action." The sense of urgency it creates drives action, a tactic that you can also use when online dating. Why not add a call to action in your profile? "Send me a message if..." Or in your messages, by asking a question for the recipient to answer? It's an effective way to create engagement and encourage interaction.
3. Timing is everything. How often do you message potential dates? How long do you take to respond to messages you receive? Timing is key to both marketing and online dating success. Don't be afraid to reach out to people you're interested in. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Once you're involved in a conversation with someone, pace yourself. A business that bombards customers with marketing emails is going to lose those customers. A dater who obsessively messages a potential date is going to lose that date.
4. Test and evolve. If a marketer isn't seeing the success they want, they'll try something else. An email will get a new subject line. A webpage will be redesigned. The call to action will get a subtle tweak. Each new change will be tested, until the most effective version is found. Do the same with your dating habits - continuously update your profile, pictures, and messages until you've optimized yourself for online dating success.

In the early days of the internet, anonymity was implied, if not outright assumed. People got to know one another in chat rooms behind random screen names. Later, there were avatars, but digital cameras were not yet popular; if you saw the person you were talking to, it was likely a blurry webcam shot or a poorly scanned picture from a disposable camera (and even then, not necessarily recent).

Nowadays we live in a different world. We still use screen names and avatars, but sometimes they’re used more to express our individuality than protect our privacy. It’s not unusual to have pictures of yourself floating around the internet, linked to your real name. When you meet someone online, you can google them.

Online dating is more popular than ever, so the chances of encountering the profile of someone you know are growing. The world isn’t necessarily getting smaller, but the various pools of acquaintances are getting mixed together into one churning tide. It’s not really a problem - unless you’re someone who requires anonymity or privacy from the people you know.

Maybe your friends and family don’t know about your lifestyle choices. Maybe your coworkers aren’t aware that you’re no longer married. Maybe your job is a highly visible or sensitive one, and you don’t want to be recognized. Just as these factors can make life more difficult, they can make online dating more difficult as well.

The good news is, it’s not impossible to preserve your privacy; ideally, you won’t be lying either. However, writing a profile takes more thought. Every individual situation is different and should be tailored accordingly, but here are a few questions you can ask yourself: what is the most sensitive information? If you’re a celebrity, it might be your face; for someone else, it might be their job. Prioritizing will help you focus in the right direction.

Next: am I using a screen name familiar to friends and family? Am I copying and pasting something about me that already exists elsewhere (like the ‘About Me’ section of a social network page)? These leave you vulnerable not only to being immediately recognized, but also to simple copy-and-paste google searches.

If you have a lifestyle choice that you’re looking to keep secret, it’s possible that searches by people you know might filter you out automatically. However, it might be best to choose a site that’s geared toward your niche, and avoid the popular ‘catch-all’ sites, particularly if you already know people who use it.

The picture is the most complicated part. You don’t want to flat-out lie and post a picture of someone else; you could decide not to post a picture at all, but it will be more difficult to get interest that way. Perhaps a good compromise is to post pictures that have nothing to do with the part of your life you’re trying to avoid. If you’re a celebrity, that means you don’t put up pictures from the red carpet. Likewise, don’t post anything that might represent your workplace. Pictures that you commonly use on other social networks should be avoided.

Before you publish your profile, ask yourself: “Worst case scenario, if I were found out, is there anything specific that would upset me most?” Maybe that suggestive phrase or compromising photo should be edited. Being discovered at all is embarrassing, sure, but some profiles can be more embarrassing than others.

It may be impossible to be completely anonymous in today’s world, but with a little bit of thought and care, you can preserve as much privacy as you can. Online dating is a great way to meet people outside your normal sphere; the trick is to avoid running into people you know along the way.

First dates: they can be the best of times, and they can be the worst of times. The excitement of what could happen is balanced with the dread about what could happen. The minutes can fly by, or they can drag. If only there were some way to raise the chances that, regardless of actual chemistry, the time spent together would be pleasant. But such a tip doesn’t exist - or does it?

When it comes to first dates, the one thing people tend to dread, to get anxious about, is the small talk. No one wants to come off as boring, or babbling. Some get stage fright; their palms sweat. Others fear the Awkward Silence, and when it inevitably occurs, they spiral further into their personal small-talk underworld. So how can we make this better?

It’s the simplest suggestion, but the most effective: ask questions, and listen to the answers.

No one ever said that “getting to know you” meant that you have to give a presentation about yourself, and it doesn’t mean that you have to chat about the weather for an hour, either. You get to know one another best by having actual, genuine conversations. So ask a question, actually listen to the response, and ask the next natural question (or make a comment!) pertaining to what was said. Yes, it seems like Conversation 101, and maybe it is a little remedial - but when you’re under stress you can sometimes forget your own phone number.

In fact, precisely because of this stress, there’s nothing wrong with doing a little homework, or even coming up with a cheat sheet. Study up on your common interests, and make a list of the points you want to talk about. Check out the news that day and come up with some stories to chat about that aren’t depressing or inflammatory. It’s perfectly fine if you never wind up using any of that stuff - follow a conversation naturally, don’t force it - but you’ll feel more comfortable having a few backups on-hand.

In fact, much of this has to do with comfort. When you’re focusing on the answers of someone else, you’re not as worried about yourself, and you’re able to calm down. All that anxiety and worry can make you appear distant, distracted or uninterested; when you’re calmer, you’re a better listener and more receptive. In turn, your date relaxes more as well, and you can focus on actually getting to know one another. The conversation drifts away from the awkward surface subjects and becomes deeper and more interesting.

Sure, every first date begins a little awkwardly, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. And how do we start down the more interesting path? By asking questions, and listening to the answers. Simple, yes, but effective.

The 21st century is all about simplicity. The easier and more automated we can make an experience, the more we seem to love it. And the shorter, the better. Does anyone even blog anymore? Now it's all about 140 character Tweets, Tumblr-style microblogging, and 6 second Vine videos.

It was only a matter of time before our short attention spans took their toll on online dating. More and more singles are turning to mobile dating instead, which offers an even more simplified experience than online dating sites. New dating apps are launching all the time, causing some to worry: Is online dating becoming too easy?

First there was Grindr, the uber-popular dating app for gay men that currently claims over six million users worldwide. The premise behind Grindr isn't complicated: Why spend waste time at bars or filling out dating profiles when you can quickly and conveniently browse the pictures of singles nearby?

Then came Blendr, a similar app that attempted to recreate the Grindr experience (but with more of a focus on friendship and shared interests) for hetero couples. Blendr merged with Badoo, but still failed to achieve the success of its predecessor. Grindr works - Blendr doesn't quite.

In the wake of Blendr came Tinder, one of the newest additions to the mobile market. Tinder picked up where previous mobile apps left off, requiring members to sign in using their Facebook accounts to reduce instances of fake profiles and catfishing. Tinder users are then sent profile pics to respond to (swipe left if you're interested, swipe right if you're not), and are only allowed to contact each other if both members mutually indicate interest.

Those three apps are far from alone in the mobile dating world. There is the scandalous and infamous Bang With Friends. There's TrintMe, which claims to reveal your friends true intentions. There's also WouldLove2 and EmbarrassNot, the latter of which breaks all your acquaintances down into one of four basic categories:

• I'd like to go on a date with this person
• I'd like an Advanced relationship with this person
• I'd like to start a family with this person
• I'd like to break up with this person

Sure, it's all convenient. But is it too convenient? Transparency online doesn't seem to correlate to equal transparency and courage in in-person interactions. Through the filter of technology, we often present ourselves in ways we wouldn't offline. We feel safe - safe from rejection, safe to say cruel things we wouldn't otherwise, safe to act in ways we wouldn't dare act in person.

Studies have shown that people value things less when they're too easy. Other studies have shown that being presented with too many choices overwhelms us, making us choose nothing at all. If mobile dating gives us too many options too easily, we may be just as single after the app as we were before it.

Are the women you're meeting through your online dating sites not exactly relationship material? If you're dating and not finding what you want, it could be that you're missing some signs that the women you choose aren't right for you. Likely, either they aren't being honest or you both have different goals.

Following are five signs that the woman you're considering dating might not be a good fit.

Missing photos. If a woman doesn't upload pictures to her profile, then she might be trying to hide something (like another relationship), or it might even be a fake profile. If you've been requesting pictures and she keeps dodging the question, or sends you a glamour shot only through email (without actually posting), then chances are you're being led astray. Consider women who are more upfront about who they are.

Lists of what she doesn't want. If a woman has a laundry list of what she does and doesn't want in a man ("no cheaters/ liars/ players/ manipulators/ addicts etc."), then she likely hasn't gotten over the last man who treated her badly. She's basically screaming that she's not ready for a relationship and she's not going to trust you. Steer clear.

Wide age ranges. If a twenty-something woman is looking for guys in their forties or fifties, this is a sign that she's likely not ready for a serious relationship. Many young women test the waters, and it could be if she prefers to date older men that she's looking for a sugar daddy - someone to take care of her financially and/or emotionally. I'm all for expanding those filters and trying to date a wider range of people, but if she's actively looking for dates who are that much older, likely there's something else at play than just normal attraction.

Flakiness. Many women who online date get more emails from men than they respond to - this is normal. But let's say you've been emailing a woman back and forth or both of you expressed interest in meeting, but then she suddenly disappears or she constantly makes excuses and cancels plans at the last minute. This is not considerate behavior, and likely she's not all that interested or she's too busy to make dating a priority in her life. Either way, you don't want to wait around until she has some free time to meet you. Cut your losses and move on.

Unrealistic expectations. If a woman dares you in her profile to "act like a real man" or is looking for "someone to sweep her off her feet," then watch out. Likely she has some unrealistic expectations about who she wants, and will often be critical or judgmental on a date. We are all human, and we all have faults. It's important to start a date with more of an open mind, so there's a chance for a real connection to be made.

There’s no doubt that first dates are awkward. Think about it: you’re essentially interviewing a potential best friend... while you’re meeting for the very first time. You’re making small talk, but somewhere your brain is assessing your physical compatibility. Ultimately, this could be someone with whom you’re truly “yourself”... but not today. Today is all about first impressions and trying to impress. There’s nothing really “wrong” with dating - after all, if your date isn’t worth a little extra effort, who is? - but it is the way it is: awkward.

So we can’t change the nature of dating, but we can bring a little self-awareness to it that will hopefully make us feel more relaxed. For example: we know that it’s a universal truth that people on a date tend to feel awkward and nervous. However, we always seem to forget that when it comes to our very own dates. You think they’re not wondering if their stomach is growling so loudly it’s audible? You think they’re not worried about whether that gust of wind left them looking like they’ve been in a tornado? Why do you think of your date as a superhuman while you’re only a mere mortal?

In reality, they’re likely feeling nervous and awkward too. So instead of ignoring it, embrace it - make a joke or two about it to relax you both. Understand that dating might be kind of weird, but it can be a fun and exhilarating time, too. Whether or not you meet your true love on this given date, you’re living life, having an adventure and potentially taking the first steps toward even bigger adventures.

The key, though, is to take it all with good humor. For some, it can be difficult to talk about dating with self-awareness without sounding cynical or jaded. If you’re worried that you might fall into this category, remember that it can’t hurt to be extra-clear and positive on a first date with someone who doesn’t know you well. Saying things like, “That’s awesome” or “I really love that” might not be in your standard repertoire, but your sarcasm can take a backseat in the interest of reassuring your date that you’re actually happy to be there.

You might not be able to escape the awkwardness of a first date, but you don’t have to pretend it doesn’t exist, either. Addressing the silliness of the situation - even reveling in it - can relax your date and you as well. It can even establish a bit of a camaraderie: the two of you against the strangeness of a first date. And who doesn’t want an excuse to team up and get closer?