Talking Small, Listening Large
- Friday, May 17 2013 @ 06:56 am
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 965
First dates: they can be the best of times, and they can be the worst of times. The excitement of what could happen is balanced with the dread about what could happen. The minutes can fly by, or they can drag. If only there were some way to raise the chances that, regardless of actual chemistry, the time spent together would be pleasant. But such a tip doesn’t exist - or does it?
When it comes to first dates, the one thing people tend to dread, to get anxious about, is the small talk. No one wants to come off as boring, or babbling. Some get stage fright; their palms sweat. Others fear the Awkward Silence, and when it inevitably occurs, they spiral further into their personal small-talk underworld. So how can we make this better?
It’s the simplest suggestion, but the most effective: ask questions, and listen to the answers.
No one ever said that “getting to know you” meant that you have to give a presentation about yourself, and it doesn’t mean that you have to chat about the weather for an hour, either. You get to know one another best by having actual, genuine conversations. So ask a question, actually listen to the response, and ask the next natural question (or make a comment!) pertaining to what was said. Yes, it seems like Conversation 101, and maybe it is a little remedial - but when you’re under stress you can sometimes forget your own phone number.
In fact, precisely because of this stress, there’s nothing wrong with doing a little homework, or even coming up with a cheat sheet. Study up on your common interests, and make a list of the points you want to talk about. Check out the news that day and come up with some stories to chat about that aren’t depressing or inflammatory. It’s perfectly fine if you never wind up using any of that stuff - follow a conversation naturally, don’t force it - but you’ll feel more comfortable having a few backups on-hand.
In fact, much of this has to do with comfort. When you’re focusing on the answers of someone else, you’re not as worried about yourself, and you’re able to calm down. All that anxiety and worry can make you appear distant, distracted or uninterested; when you’re calmer, you’re a better listener and more receptive. In turn, your date relaxes more as well, and you can focus on actually getting to know one another. The conversation drifts away from the awkward surface subjects and becomes deeper and more interesting.
Sure, every first date begins a little awkwardly, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. And how do we start down the more interesting path? By asking questions, and listening to the answers. Simple, yes, but effective.
When it comes to first dates, the one thing people tend to dread, to get anxious about, is the small talk. No one wants to come off as boring, or babbling. Some get stage fright; their palms sweat. Others fear the Awkward Silence, and when it inevitably occurs, they spiral further into their personal small-talk underworld. So how can we make this better?
It’s the simplest suggestion, but the most effective: ask questions, and listen to the answers.
No one ever said that “getting to know you” meant that you have to give a presentation about yourself, and it doesn’t mean that you have to chat about the weather for an hour, either. You get to know one another best by having actual, genuine conversations. So ask a question, actually listen to the response, and ask the next natural question (or make a comment!) pertaining to what was said. Yes, it seems like Conversation 101, and maybe it is a little remedial - but when you’re under stress you can sometimes forget your own phone number.
In fact, precisely because of this stress, there’s nothing wrong with doing a little homework, or even coming up with a cheat sheet. Study up on your common interests, and make a list of the points you want to talk about. Check out the news that day and come up with some stories to chat about that aren’t depressing or inflammatory. It’s perfectly fine if you never wind up using any of that stuff - follow a conversation naturally, don’t force it - but you’ll feel more comfortable having a few backups on-hand.
In fact, much of this has to do with comfort. When you’re focusing on the answers of someone else, you’re not as worried about yourself, and you’re able to calm down. All that anxiety and worry can make you appear distant, distracted or uninterested; when you’re calmer, you’re a better listener and more receptive. In turn, your date relaxes more as well, and you can focus on actually getting to know one another. The conversation drifts away from the awkward surface subjects and becomes deeper and more interesting.
Sure, every first date begins a little awkwardly, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. And how do we start down the more interesting path? By asking questions, and listening to the answers. Simple, yes, but effective.
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