Relationships

When it comes to online dating profiles, one of the simplest tasks should be the section where you list your interests and favorites, right? After all, you know what your favorite movies and books are. You know what you like to do on the weekend. Simple though it may seem, it’s a task that can be deceptively difficult for some.

“I don’t have any interests,” Jessie, a friend, told me flatly. “I mean, I have interests, of course, but not anything that looks good on my profile or that I actually want to talk about with people.”

I started to laugh. “What do you mean?”

“Well, in my last relationship we were really involved in a bowling league,” said Jessie. “But that was really his interest that I absorbed later. And once we broke up, it was pretty awkward with our bowling friends, so since it was his ‘thing’ first I quit. So I can list bowling, but if I’m pressed for any details it will get depressing fast.”

“I can understand that,” I conceded.

“But it gets worse!” she said. “I’ve realized that almost everything will inevitably bring up something about my ex. And the stuff we didn’t do together is the incredibly girly stuff that no man would be interested in. So I can list my favorite movies, but right now they’re all ones that would probably send most men screaming.”

Jessie’s dilemma is not an uncommon one. When we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it can feel like almost everything has baggage attached. And often our solo pursuits are solo because we don’t think anyone else is (or should be!) interested. Sure, you might enjoy crosswords, but it’s not an activity that really opens up conversation or bonding.

Sometimes people feel they need to lie about their interests to appeal to others. They might even “overdo” it by attempting to target their interests to the sort of person they’re interested in (like a man who lists only chick flicks). As always, lying will only cause more problems. So what to do?

Go for three elements: honest, simple, and varied. If you think you’re balanced too heavily toward mindless violence films, for example, list only a few, and make sure to list the favorites from other genres as well. Jessie can list a favorite chick flick or two; it’s who she is, after all, and it helps paint a more accurate picture. However, maybe she might want to list a few of her other standby favorites as well, even if they aren’t the top of her list right now. Her bowling story may be a bit awkward, but not everything is so involved, and those bad memories won’t last forever. Since such lists ought to be short and sweet, she doesn’t have to offer any justification for her choices.

It might seem like too much thought over a simple list, but the general concept can apply throughout the entire profile. We don’t want to dredge up our past relationships, but we can’t pretend we were grown in a vacuum, either. Keeping our profiles (and conversations )honest yet diverse means that we don’t have to dwell too much on any sore spots - and if we’re questioned about something that’s still raw, there’s nothing wrong with admitting it and moving on to something else. We don’t have to erase our pasts - but there’s nothing wrong with wanting a fresh start, just the same.

Most people want to start off a relationship on the right foot, and understand that being open and honest from the very beginning is a great way to ensure that. However, what does being open and honest actually “mean”? When does honesty become sharing too much, too soon? It’s hard enough to toe that line in person; on the Internet, where you feel anonymous and comfortable, it can be even easier to over-share.

Though there are differences between finding someone online and in person, sometimes it helps if we imagine an in-person meeting to compare it with. For example: if you were just “checking out” someone, or maybe walking up and saying “Hi,” would you lead off with your first and last name, your address, and your place of business? Probably not, but many people give some or all of that information freely in their profile, or in the first few emails. In person we like to gauge the “vibe” of the person we’re talking to before we share private information; online, it’s best to do the same.

Now let’s assume the emails have gone well and we’ve moved on to the coffee date. Obviously, we want to make a great first impression, so we probably take extra care with the outfit we choose and make sure there isn’t anything in our teeth. However, we probably don’t put on a wig or a mask if that’s not our everyday attire. So should it be with our personality. Yes, we want to present the best version of ourselves - and that means ourselves, not someone else. Thus, don’t be afraid to say something like, “I’ve never seen that movie,” even though you know it’s a classic that almost everyone else has. It’s when we lie to impress that we get ourselves in trouble.

And what about over-sharing on the first date? Avoiding that is fairly easy - just ask yourself if you’d share that with a co-worker or your grandmother. Jokes that tread into offensiveness, details about personal grooming, and long-winded rants about people who have wronged you can probably wait. Chances are, such little “checks” won’t stifle your personality too much. Plus, once you get more comfortable and get to know each other, you’ll have a better sense of what’s appropriate. Erring on the side of politeness never hurt anyone.

Gauging how much to reveal when you first meet someone can seem daunting. However, when examined closely, the tips - don’t give out personal information before you’re comfortable, don’t lie, and be polite - are really quite simple. And once you’re not concerned with sharing too much, you can relax and focus on what matters: getting to know your date.

Teenagers. No matter what decade it is, the younger crowd always seems to be hipper, more sophisticated, and more technologically savvy. Well, if becoming more adept at online dating is what you’re trying to accomplish, it might not hurt to take advice from teens you know. Granted, they’re probably not as wise when it comes to romance and matters of the heart, but they’ve likely been integrating social interaction and the internet for as long as they’ve had friends. Surely they’ve got tidbits to share.

And they do! For one thing, they’re no strangers to privacy - or lack thereof - on the internet. Googling is likely to bring up a wealth of information - associated screen names, additional accounts, and so on - and they’re regular sleuths when it comes to looking someone up. Conversely, they probably know more than you’d think about hiding their true identity - though it’s their parents, not their co-workers, who prompt such actions.

Teens have also learned that while it’s safer to be a skeptic on the internet - facts get misquoted, pictures get edited and airbrushed - there’s also a place for gut instinct. “Even if someone can’t spell at all, you can still get a feeling about their personality,” a young acquaintance told me. “There are some people online that you like right away, and some that you just don’t, just like in person.” They’ve learned that if something feels false or “off,” they should probably heed that alarm - something that we adults might talk ourselves out of because “we don’t have any proof.”

They’re better at taking pictures of themselves. Yes, teens are often the pioneers of cliched and overdone “selfie” poses, but they’re also pretty darn good at catching their good side. Since digital cameras have almost always existed for them, they’re not daunted by the prospect of taking several pictures just to get one good one. And they’ve got a better eye for “interesting” photos as well. Go through a social photo network and you’ll find lots of bad pictures of food, but you’ll likely find several good ideas too - not to mention a crash course in flattering filters.

Yes, teens can be silly and self-absorbed - but they’re also social creatures intent on making the best possible first impression. We don’t have to pretend like we’re fifteen again, but if you’re looking for inspiration to liven up your profile, it can’t hurt to observe the young masters of the internet.

Remember that Julia Roberts movie Runaway Bride? She kept getting cold feet with all of her soon-to-be-husbands, and ended up abandoning them on the wedding day. But she couldn't figure out why. She loved them and they loved her - so what was the problem? She discovered that she didn't really know herself - that she was allowing the men in her life to dictate who she was, even down to the kind of eggs she liked.

In the movie the character was a bit of a caricature, trying to please her boyfriends by being who they wanted her to be. But in real life, this isn't such a far-fetched idea. How many of us have sacrificed part of ourselves, our identities, for someone we love?

I have a friend who is very attractive, outgoing, and fun. She attracts good-looking, personable and successful guys. She should have no problem finding a relationship. But every time she meets a new man, she tells me how amazing their relationship is, and how nobody else "gets" her the way her man-of-the-moment does, and she desperately molds herself into what she thinks he wants.

Case in point: she is not exactly an outdoor person, but one of her boyfriends was really active - surfing, boating, biking, and running - you name the sport, he'd probably done it. He liked being active on weekends, when my friend preferred to sleep in and then meet friends for a leisurely drink. But then I saw her donning biker pants and new sneakers for their next date. When I raised my eyebrow in question, she dismissed me. "I like bike riding," she laughed. I wasn't so sure.

I recall my own experiences, trying to become some idealized version of myself that I thought a man would want. I strove to be witty and fun all the time, and hid all the things about myself that he might find unattractive - like my habit of reading books all weekend in solitude, how nervous I get in large groups of people, or the terrible seasickness I get just thinking about sailing or being on a boat. But this never helped me. In fact, it prevented me from finding a real relationship. I was too busy being someone else for anybody to see the real me.

My friend is still dating her sporty boyfriend, but she's scared at any moment he'll discover that she's a fraud and break up with her. She's also become afraid to commit, because she'd have to keep up the charade of who he thinks she is. It can get exhausting.

Take the time to figure out your own interests, and don't be ashamed to share them with someone you're dating. Your boyfriend isn't going to be turned off if you like different things, but he will if you aren't being honest. If you don't even know who you are or what you want, how can you expect to be happy in a relationship?

By now you’ve probably been reminded that on a first date, “everyone is nervous.” It’s not only true, it’s easy to imagine, to believe. However, there’s another truth that some have a harder time internalizing: that a sincere, polite, first-contact email is never a bad idea.

It’s easy for us to construct barriers that limit ourselves or keep us feeling awkward and ill-at-ease. With very few exceptions, we’re all insecure about something. When it comes to approaching someone else, all those insecurities rear their heads - and, additionally, we seem incapable of understanding that we’re not the only ones with this problem.

Consider the fictional couple Jeff and Jane. Jane likes the look of Jeff’s profile. However, as a child she was told that “boys don’t like girls who chase them or are forward.” Furthermore, she’s heard that “single women get approached by men constantly.” Thus, if she’s not getting emailed, she thinks there’s something wrong with her. She doesn’t contact Jeff.

Jeff likes the look of Jane’s profile. However, he’s approached women many times in his life, often in person. Some of them were already taken, some weren’t interested, but regardless, he’s had more rejections than acceptances over the years. He knows he has to be “special” to stand out, but he doesn’t feel special today. He doesn’t contact Jane.

Now, imagine if one of them had worked up the nerve to contact the other. Does either one sound like the type to be rude or dismissive? Even if ultimately there’s no spark, or if one wasn’t interested the profile of the other - does it seem like it was a chance not worth taking? Of course not! Jane and Jeff just might be compatible - and if they’re not, they’re not worse off than if they’d never spoken.

For the majority of people, these are the sort of chances that are passing them by. Yes, there might be surly, dismissive or downright mean people out there, just like there are in the rest of the world. However, online dating has several advantages: everyone is single and looking, so you can eliminate those awkward “mixed-signal” encounters you get in person; you’re not doing the contacting in person, so even a rejection stings less; you can contact people who might otherwise make you feel awkward or shy, thus giving you a bit of a “courage boost.”

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but that’s not much help if we’re keeping ourselves from even casting bait. Almost everyone will appreciate a first-contact email that’s not offensive, even if there’s ultimately no spark. And on the other hand, a connection is possible. Don’t be like Jane or Jeff - jump those internal hurdles!

Don't you wish online dating came with an instruction manual?

Oh wait - it does!

Well, sorta. If what you're looking for is "a complete step by step guide on how someone would seduce you," then yes...online dating comes with an instruction manual. It's called the Seduction Style Guide, and you can find it (where else?) on POF.com.

Get those grains of salt ready, and let's dive in...

The first section of the test is called "Flirting." Choose up to three of the listed flirting styles that appeal most to you, and up to three that don't interest you. Do you prefer your dates "Playful," "Confident," "Coy," "Charming," or "Prim and Proper?" Then answer a question about your communication preferences. How would you like a date to ask you out? By phone? By email? In person at a dating event?

Section three delves deeper into your personality. Read each statement and indicate the degree to which it describes you: "Strongly agree," "Disagree," "Agree," or "Strongly agree." Statements to rate cover topics like humor and spontaneity:

• I enjoy trying different kinds of ethnic foods
• I brood for a long time in an attempt to solve some fundamental problem
• There is humor to be seen in just about everything

Of course, it wouldn't be a Seduction Style test without questions about seduction! The next sections ask questions about your first date habits and your sexuality. Again, you must rate the accuracy of words used describe your sexuality. Are you the "Sultry" type? Or maybe you're better described as "Adorable?"

The test wraps up with a free response section and the most salacious section of all. The free response questions inquire about what you most and least enjoy while on a date, and your turn ons/offs. Answer each with three responses, all in your own words.

The final section...well...let's just say it's a pretty intimate look at your favorite kinks, fetishes, and fantasies.

Put it all together and you get POF's take on how best to woo you. Got that salt ready?

The results page is surprisingly detailed. First, there's The Big Picture. Apparently people like me "tend to love life with zeal, often living in the moment and trying not to let experiences pass them by." (All true, as far as I'm concerned...perhaps POF knows me better than I would like to admit.)

Then there's the three step seduction plan: Approach Me, How To Date Me, and How To Sexually Seduce Me. Much to my surprise, POF also manages to sneak in some genuinely useful information amongst all the silly stuff. The report includes info on favorite dating conversation topics, online dating safety, preferred dating activities, and do's and don'ts.

To show others your results, send the link included at the bottom of the results page (and consider sending some salt with it).

To find out more about this popular dating site you can take a look at our Plentyoffish review.