Are You a Dating Chameleon?

Remember that Julia Roberts movie Runaway Bride? She kept getting cold feet with all of her soon-to-be-husbands, and ended up abandoning them on the wedding day. But she couldn't figure out why. She loved them and they loved her - so what was the problem? She discovered that she didn't really know herself - that she was allowing the men in her life to dictate who she was, even down to the kind of eggs she liked.

In the movie the character was a bit of a caricature, trying to please her boyfriends by being who they wanted her to be. But in real life, this isn't such a far-fetched idea. How many of us have sacrificed part of ourselves, our identities, for someone we love?

I have a friend who is very attractive, outgoing, and fun. She attracts good-looking, personable and successful guys. She should have no problem finding a relationship. But every time she meets a new man, she tells me how amazing their relationship is, and how nobody else "gets" her the way her man-of-the-moment does, and she desperately molds herself into what she thinks he wants.

Case in point: she is not exactly an outdoor person, but one of her boyfriends was really active - surfing, boating, biking, and running - you name the sport, he'd probably done it. He liked being active on weekends, when my friend preferred to sleep in and then meet friends for a leisurely drink. But then I saw her donning biker pants and new sneakers for their next date. When I raised my eyebrow in question, she dismissed me. "I like bike riding," she laughed. I wasn't so sure.

I recall my own experiences, trying to become some idealized version of myself that I thought a man would want. I strove to be witty and fun all the time, and hid all the things about myself that he might find unattractive - like my habit of reading books all weekend in solitude, how nervous I get in large groups of people, or the terrible seasickness I get just thinking about sailing or being on a boat. But this never helped me. In fact, it prevented me from finding a real relationship. I was too busy being someone else for anybody to see the real me.

My friend is still dating her sporty boyfriend, but she's scared at any moment he'll discover that she's a fraud and break up with her. She's also become afraid to commit, because she'd have to keep up the charade of who he thinks she is. It can get exhausting.

Take the time to figure out your own interests, and don't be ashamed to share them with someone you're dating. Your boyfriend isn't going to be turned off if you like different things, but he will if you aren't being honest. If you don't even know who you are or what you want, how can you expect to be happy in a relationship?