Open or Over-Sharing?

Most people want to start off a relationship on the right foot, and understand that being open and honest from the very beginning is a great way to ensure that. However, what does being open and honest actually “mean”? When does honesty become sharing too much, too soon? It’s hard enough to toe that line in person; on the Internet, where you feel anonymous and comfortable, it can be even easier to over-share.

Though there are differences between finding someone online and in person, sometimes it helps if we imagine an in-person meeting to compare it with. For example: if you were just “checking out” someone, or maybe walking up and saying “Hi,” would you lead off with your first and last name, your address, and your place of business? Probably not, but many people give some or all of that information freely in their profile, or in the first few emails. In person we like to gauge the “vibe” of the person we’re talking to before we share private information; online, it’s best to do the same.

Now let’s assume the emails have gone well and we’ve moved on to the coffee date. Obviously, we want to make a great first impression, so we probably take extra care with the outfit we choose and make sure there isn’t anything in our teeth. However, we probably don’t put on a wig or a mask if that’s not our everyday attire. So should it be with our personality. Yes, we want to present the best version of ourselves - and that means ourselves, not someone else. Thus, don’t be afraid to say something like, “I’ve never seen that movie,” even though you know it’s a classic that almost everyone else has. It’s when we lie to impress that we get ourselves in trouble.

And what about over-sharing on the first date? Avoiding that is fairly easy - just ask yourself if you’d share that with a co-worker or your grandmother. Jokes that tread into offensiveness, details about personal grooming, and long-winded rants about people who have wronged you can probably wait. Chances are, such little “checks” won’t stifle your personality too much. Plus, once you get more comfortable and get to know each other, you’ll have a better sense of what’s appropriate. Erring on the side of politeness never hurt anyone.

Gauging how much to reveal when you first meet someone can seem daunting. However, when examined closely, the tips - don’t give out personal information before you’re comfortable, don’t lie, and be polite - are really quite simple. And once you’re not concerned with sharing too much, you can relax and focus on what matters: getting to know your date.