Relationships

For many people, it's hard to get back out there again, so congratulations that you've made the decision to try out an online dating site.

Dating can be an emotional roller coaster, and that's a tough thing to endure after a divorce. People can be unpredictable, especially when compared to a partnership that lasted many years. Maybe you don't miss your ex-spouse, but you miss being married, having a companion.

Rest assured, you can find love again. But it's even more important to be ready. To learn from your mistakes.

If you've been frustrated, it's easy to blame it on the people you're meeting. After all, how could you consider dating someone who chews with his mouth open, or laughs like a hyena, or only seems to wear button-down flannel shirts? But remember, we all have our own idiosyncrasies. Before you quit your online dating membership, it's important to look at and understand what you can change.

Following are some mistakes to avoid after a divorce:

Starting too soon. There's something to be said for being solitary, at least right after your divorce. Instead of trying to find a replacement girlfriend/boyfriend so quickly, take a step back and a deep breath. Learn about yourself again - what interests you, what makes you happy. Try new things by yourself. Explore a new place. I promise you'll find out something new about yourself, something separate from your old life with a partner. It's important - necessary even - to be okay with being alone before trying to find a partner again.

Looking for Mr./Ms. Right. Please don't enter into each date wondering whether or not you'll meet your next husband or wife. That's an awful lot of pressure for anyone, and believe me, they will sense it. Instead, look forward to meeting someone new, regardless of whether he is or isn't right for you. Converse. Get to know him. Decide later. Enjoy the moment. Nobody is a waste of time.

Ex talk. I sound like a broken record sometimes, but avoid talking about your ex, please. Even if your date is divorced and wants to dish, too. Even if you can't help but be reminded of your ex. Even if your ex did something totally unreasonable right before your date. It doesn't matter. Your ex isn't on your date, so stop talking about her. It's incredibly unattractive.

Getting heavy. Maybe you're dying to talk about all the problems you've been facing since your divorce. You go into each date like it's a therapy session, hoping someone will say something that makes sense to you. Instead of looking to your dates for comfort, turn to a real therapist. Save your dates for stress relief. They should be about having fun.

Happy dating!

Stereotypes aren't always true. While prevailing wisdom indicates that older men like to date younger women, it turns out they aren't the only ones interested in dating younger.

A recent study conducted by dating app Are You Interested, which connects members based on their Facebook profiles, found that women were five times more likely to show interest in a man five years younger than one who is five years older. And as it turns out, the men are a little more open to dating older women. While 42% wouldn't consider reaching out to a woman who was older, if these same men were contacted by an older woman, most would entertain the idea of dating. Only 22% of men said they were less likely to respond when an older woman contacted them first.

Are You Interested pulled data from its 68 million downloads and 20 million Facebook profiles of members to see which ones were making successful matches. From this user base, they focused on 35,942 users aged 30 to 49.

Age seems to be a key factor. Members in their twenties were not considered, and there might be more diversity among them.

According to Are You Interested, one of the reasons for the trend of women going for younger men is that they get inundated with messages from older men, so dating older doesn't hold much appeal. There is something else to consider too, which is the fact that young women in general are putting more time and energy into their careers and education, making more money than their young male counterparts. They have little desire to settle down or to date someone older for reasons of financial security.

So what does this mean if you are online dating? Should you make sure that you don't date anyone more than two or three years older? Should you start limiting your search to profiles of younger men?

Most people do have age preferences, but if you are strict about them when you're online dating, you're missing out on opportunities. If you set age limits, you're more likely to set other hard limits too, like only dating men who live within a ten-mile radius, or who are taller, or who have a certain type of career. The choosier we are, the more people we are not getting the privilege of meeting, which is counter-productive in dating. The more you date, and especially the more you date outside your "type," the more you can draw on a vast array of experiences. Then you can make a truly informed decision about what type of person you want, and what kind of relationship you desire.

When it comes to talking about online dating, it’s not unheard of to hear snap judgements and criticism from friends and family. Funnily enough, even the most non-traditional are not afraid to bring up history as a reason why online dating shouldn’t be trusted.

“In my day we didn’t need to have hundreds of options,” says a member of a previous generation. “All we needed to do was walk around town, go to the corner store or the park. You’d meet someone. And it was a town of less than a thousand!”

While that’s not untrue, and people do meet in such serendipitous ways even today, the corner store is no longer the social hub of most towns. In fact, there is no social hub in many towns, unless you’re a teenager and you like ‘cruising’ through mall parking lots.

The fact is, social interaction is constantly evolving. Love may be a tale as old as time, but the details have certainly changed over the years. In general, unmarried adults no longer have to be chaperoned. Online algorithms are increasingly accepted, but the well-meaning meddling of relatives is met with resistance. Singles may still flock to clubs and bars, but very little of that atmosphere is actually conducive to meeting and getting to know someone (plus, contrary to what Grandma might have you think, bars are no novel invention).

Even in today’s world, the social scene varies considerably when it comes to location. Some might still view an ‘outsider’ - someone who lives outside the county limits - with suspicion, while in other locales everyone hails from someplace else. There isn’t even conformity of experience across a single country - why expect it to be so across multiple decades?

So why the criticism? Well, it’s in our nature to want to relate to and help others. What we don’t understand, we tend to reject. Instead of seeing the vast similarities in almost every love story - the butterflies, the excitement, the growing closeness - some first see the differences in the detail. For some, more than a bit of nostalgia has tinged their own recollections, too, and maybe they just want you to have the same sort of fairy tale they recall.

It’s entirely likely that no one means any harm by expressing their doubt or confusion - indeed, they might just be anxiously trying to help in their own way. So it’s best to let such things roll off like so much water on a duck. But when it comes to making your own dating decisions, remember: your experience is not the same as those of your parents, which is likely not the same as that of your grandparents. Love has evolved to keep up the way we interact; choose what’s right for you in this day and age.

Looking for something different to do this summer? Instead of opting for coffee or drinks on a first date, take advantage of the warmer weather and get outside.

I like dates that incorporate activity. It takes the stress off of trying to make conversation, and allows you to do something fun that you'd want to try anyway. It's a win-win: even if your date isn't so great, you're still getting to spend time doing something you enjoy.

Try some of these summer date ideas:

Hit the water. Live near the ocean or a lake? Take a walk on the beach, or if you're feeling bold and the weather is warm, go for a swim. For the more adventurous, try renting a boat or kayak. When you're drying off, it's a good time to crack open a couple of beers and have a picnic on the sand.

Hiking and biking. If mountains are more your style, then take your date on a local hike or bike ride. Most cities have trails in parks or along the water even if they don't have mountains, so look for a nice place where you can wander rather than work out.

Outdoor movies. There's nothing quite like watching a classic Alfred Hitchcock or Marilyn Monroe movie under the stars. It's almost like a drive-in movie experience, and we know how sexy those can get. Take a large blanket, a couple of beach chairs, some picnic food, and a bottle of wine, and you're all set.

Walking your dogs. Are you both dog lovers? Then instead of meeting at a restaurant that doesn't allow pets, arrange to walk your dogs together, or take them to a dog beach or park. Sure, there's a chance the dogs might not get along, but what's more important is finding out if there's chemistry between you. The dogs will help break the ice.

Farmer's market and picnic. Fresh flowers, fruit and produce abound at farmer's markets this time of year. Take your date and wander around, collecting items that you could share on a picnic or cook together later on.

Food-hopping. Whether it's exploring a cool street with ethnic restaurants (Persian and Ethiopian are some of my favorites) or trying out the goods of local food trucks (Vietnamese burritos or Connecticut lobster rolls anyone?), don't limit yourself to one stop. Have a moveable feast, where you go to different restaurants for different courses. First stop, appetizers, next stop, tapas. Then off to another location for dessert or drinks.

Road trip. If you've been dating for a while and you're feeling a little adventurous, check out some hotspots outside of your own city. There's no need to spend a lot of money on a hotel - make it a day trip. Drive along the coast or through vineyards. See what makes your particular part of the country unique.

Happy summer!

It’s not surprising that we place a premium on common interests. Meet someone in person who shares your love of obscure mid-century cookware and you feel like you’ve found a long-lost best friend. When we say we “can’t find anyone we’re interested in” after a quick scan of an online dating site, it’s often based on whether we can easily find someone with those common interests. The question is, do we place too much emphasis on sharing common interests? Is that what makes a lasting relationship?

As with everything else, it probably depends on individuals involved. For example, not many adults are still super-fans of the teen idols they crushed over in high school; similarly, many hobbies and passions come and go. If someone who’s particularly fair-weather when it comes to their interests based their dating searches only on the flavor of the moment, chances are they’d eventually want to move on.

However, sometimes interests and hobbies can reveal a general personality type, even as the specifics come and go. Maybe you don’t still have the same favorite TV show as you did ten years ago, but you still love the same genre. Maybe you don’t follow bands around like you did in college, but you still enjoy live music. Unless you’re completely changing your personality with your hobbies, it might still be worth searching for those specifics. Some “interests,” like politics or religion, are actually more indicative of an entire world view - more than just a singular hobby.

But the real issue is that regardless of how your passions endure, the key is finding someone with whom you can grow and evolve. Many in long-term relationships find new hobbies over the years - and many of those new hobbies are separate, branching off into new territories, making new friends. Those relationships don’t necessarily collapse, because it’s the people who are compatible, not the interests.

So what can you do in the short term? Don’t stress if you don’t share every detail, or if you’re not pulling up any matches with an incredibly specific search term. Try to read the profile with the person in mind instead of a list of matched items. And don’t confuse shared interests with compatibility; after all, haven’t you met a fellow fan who drove you nuts?

Common interests are a great place to start, and immediately make you feel like you’re on the “same team,” but the true test of compatibility comes when you meet in person. Don’t be afraid to meet someone outside of your typical box - because maybe that box isn’t as important as you thought.

When we discuss online dating profiles, a lot of attention tends to be placed on the language used. We talk about whether you’re being unintentionally negative, whether certain phrases are ‘red flags’ when they pop up on someone else’s profile. Sometimes the differences are tiny, which might seem like nit-picking - but becomes more reasonable when you realize that the entire profile is only a few paragraphs long.

However, though we spend a great deal of time on our profiles, the real test comes when we meet in person. And here’s why: the use of all the right words doesn’t help if you don’t understand the meaning behind them.

“People say they want honesty in a date, but they really don’t,” I once heard someone say cynically. When pressed for detail, they said, “I am as honest as they come. I always tell it like it is. When my date showed up considerably heavier than they’d said they were, I pointed out that they weren’t being honest with me, but he seemed to think it didn’t count. If I’m not having a good time, I say I’m not. Trust me, no one’s ever happy with the results.”

In this case, this person seems to think the problem is with their honesty - but really it’s with their tact, or lack of it. They’re taking the ‘honesty’ concept incredibly literally. When most people want someone ‘honest’ they’re talking about a lack of active deception. Maybe they mean someone who is comfortable with who they are, or someone who isn’t coy for the sake of playing the ‘dating game.‘ Chances are, they don’t mean they need to hear the stark truth one hundred percent of the time. ‘Honesty‘ seems like a simple enough concept, but thanks to differences in interpretation (and personality differences), it can become a hurdle in person.

Another word that often means different things to different people is ‘sarcasm.‘ It’s not uncommon to see someone describe their sense of humor as ‘sarcastic,’ or state that they like comedies with sarcasm. In reality, other words may be better suited to what they really mean - irony, dry humor, witticism, absurdity. But ‘sarcasm‘ tends to be the catch-all word that’s used when we’re not talking about straightforward slapstick comedy.

However, sarcasm can actually be rather dark, and someone who is truly sarcastic all the time walks a fine line before treading into meanness. Indeed, some people believe they’re being funny when in truth they’re caustic and mocking. Yet, they’re using the term ‘sarcasm‘ just as correctly, if not more so, than everyone else.

So how will you know if you’re truly on the same page? The only answer is to get out there and meet in person. We can polish our profiles, but to stress too much over them is unnecessary. Sure, it’s great to make a good first impression, and it’s how we establish whether we want to meet in person in the first place - but you can’t truly get a feel for compatibility, can’t actually fall in love, until you get past that first meeting. What are you waiting for?