Relationships

A friend confessed to me, “I like the idea of online dating, but I’m afraid to try it. You see so many stories about bad people taking advantage. I feel like using an online dating site is the equivalent of walking down a dark alley.”

In fact, online dating is not like walking down a dark alley at all; that would imply that my friend was the only innocent fish in a pool of sharks. However, the online dating world is probably similar to walking down a busy city street in the middle of the day: there are all kinds, including some less-than-upstanding citizens. And with a little research and precaution, you can learn to spot and avoid entanglements with them - if, in fact, you ever encounter them at all.

People tend to worry about two types of danger: the scammers and the physical danger. In both cases, chances are you already have experience dealing with both dangers, whether you realize it or not. First, the scammers - the fake profiles that are out to manipulate you, probably for your money. If you have an email account, chances are you’ve encountered a spam email or several - sob stories, questionable English, and a request for money or account information.

Even if an online dating scammer operates more smoothly than those cut and paste emails, there are still similar elements: stories that seem too good to be true, red flags in language, requests for personal information, convoluted stories about why you can’t meet yet. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t be afraid to trust your intuition - ask a third party for their opinion, or back out altogether.

The worry of physical danger is more scary for most, but there are definitely precautions you can take - meet in a public location, have a friend stationed nearby if you’re feeling particularly nervous, take your own transportation. However, again, you’ve been meeting strangers your entire life; you’ve already developed gut instincts that will sound the alarm if someone feels sketchy. It doesn’t matter whether you meet someone at work, via online dating, at a bar, or at a grocery store; you possess the same logic and instincts.

So once again, don’t be afraid to bail if you don’t feel right; far better to wait for someone with whom you feel comfortable. The truth is, online dating is no more or less safe than the rest of the world, provided you use common sense and listen to your gut. So why let fear stop you from exploring the possibilities?

Falling in love is fantastic - you feel so drawn to another person, it can be intoxicating. You want to spend all your time together, and during the time you're apart, you might be fantasizing about your budding relationship.

While love is an amazing feeling, it's also a good idea to avoid throwing yourself all in right at the start. First examine your history - do you tend to fall in love quickly and easily? Do you jump from relationship to relationship looking for that initial feeling of excitement? Do you crash and burn, and then look for the next high?

It's hard to admit our weaknesses sometimes, especially when it comes to love. We all have them, and we all fall into patterns because of them. Being more aware of your own tendencies can help you change these patterns and find happier, healthier relationships.

Let me give you an example. One of my clients is going through his second divorce, and he is devastated that his marriage didn't work out yet again. Within a month of his wife leaving, he joined an online dating site and started dating another woman. He quickly fell for her, even though she was also going through a divorce and didn't want anything serious. When he tried to move the relationship forward by spending more and more time together, she got scared and quickly broke things off. He was hurt again, but instead of spending a little time on his own, he went right back to online dating.

When I asked him about his need to be in a relationship, he said that he felt better, more connected and more at ease in a relationship rather than on his own. He liked falling in love, companionship. But who doesn't?

I advised him to take his time, to become a little more comfortable with who he is on his own, outside of a relationship. Because a relationship wouldn't - and shouldn't - define him. And if he wanted some female companionship, then it was fine to date people casually. But whatever the case, he should hold off on jumping into a relationship, no matter how compelled he felt. No matter how desperate he became, or how convinced he was that a new woman was right for him.

This was hard advice for him to try, and still is. He has since been convinced (in the span of two months) that he's fallen for three more women. But he's stopped himself from jumping right in to a relationship, and instead opted to taking his time. And the interesting thing is, he's finding out more about these women - and what doesn't work for him - than he would have if he'd been a little quicker to commit.

I'm not advocating that people should be players, but I think it's healthy to date more than one person and not feel rushed to take that next step. You'll know when it's right, because it won't resemble and relationship pattern you've felt before. It will be different. Because you will be more certain of who you are. And you will be fine on your own, too.

A few years ago, when I was completely over my love life (or lack thereof), I decided to do something different - something outside my comfort zone. I bought a ticket to New Zealand. One ticket, just for me.

Now, I've always loved traveling, but I'd never traveled alone - always with friends or a boyfriend, and never to a remote place halfway across the world. The thought of it terrified me, but it also was exciting.

My friends were confused when I told them. "Why didn't you ask me? I'd go with you," they said. But I didn't want anyone to come along. I wanted to do this for me, because I wanted to prove to myself that I could face my fears and step outside my comfort zone. I wanted a new perspective. I wanted to change.

I hiked beautiful mountains, rode in a helicopter above the breathtaking landscape of Milford Sound despite the terrible winds, and took my chances paragliding with a 20-year old stoned guide. I was not letting anything deter me. I was determined to try whatever scared me the most.

I did come back with a new perspective, which has guided me now through my relationships. Something had emerged in me - instead of avoiding places or events or even people who made me uncomfortable, I would put one foot in front of the other and make myself go. And about 95% of the time, if not more, it really paid off. I learned that I was stronger, more capable, and more courageous than I thought.

There's something to be said for taking risks. Going outside of your comfort zone helps to shift your perspective, to let you see things in a different way. Sure, it's scary to think of going to that party all by yourself where you don't know the crowd, but honestly, isn't it also easier to meet new people that way? Or maybe approaching that guy who's on your 7:00am train every day looks a little more possible.

Taking risks helps you see what is possible, and helps you to let go of thinking that keeps you doing the same things in the same way, expecting different results. Taking risks keeps you honest.

So, here's a challenge. Try something new this week that scares you. It can be something large (like booking a solo trip) or relatively small (like making yourself talk to someone in line at the coffee shop tomorrow morning). Taking these small risks on a regular basis will help you gain confidence, open more doors, and allow you to bring more opportunities into your life.

What's the harm in that?

In the world of online dating, one of the quickest ways to get yourself pegged as a “creep” or “just a hookup” or even a potential spammer is to get explicit. When you talk about more than just romance, whether on your profile or in a first contact email, you run the risk that the reader will start to back away.

For some, this can be a puzzling concept. After all, you’re looking for a relationship or a date, right? And most adult relationships have a physical aspect as well as intellectual and emotional ones. When we talk about chemistry or a ‘spark,’ there’s obviously a physical component there as well. So why is it taboo to talk about such things on your profile?

The answer is this: most online dating sites are intended to be used to find someone to meet, not necessarily someone to immediately date or hook up with. While there are people who use them to look for something a little faster and less permanent than a lasting relationship, they aren’t necessarily the majority. So, in general, the “social rules” are the same as when you meet any random person in public for the first time.

Imagine that instead of an online dating site, you’re actually in a room, mingling with all these people. There will be some who are looking for a one-night stand, and by sending more overt, aggressive signals, they’re broadcasting that intent. Chances are, they’ll find someone likeminded. But everyone else moves a little more slowly; they’re expecting the usual greetings, introductions and small talk. The physical element, the chemistry, is still there, but it’s not typically addressed directly, until the couple is ready to get a little closer.

Thus, it’s not necessarily ‘wrong’ to be more forward about physical desires on your online profile, if that’s your main focus, but you have to be aware that that’s the message you’re sending. If someone is not clearly looking to move quickly in the physical realm, you’re not looking for the same thing; thus, don’t be surprised if emailing doesn’t go well. And if you are looking for a more slow-moving, long-term relationship, it helps to be aware that blunt desire is not the most successful approach. So think about the room full of mingling people; which kind are you?

It's the age-old question: can men and women be friends without any sexual urges or entanglements? This has been a subject of contention over the years, depicted in many movies from When Harry Met Sally to Friends with Benefits.

A new study has shed some light on the subject, affirming that it is difficult for men and women to be friends without any romantic feelings. At least, it's more difficult for men.

Online social dating site Canoodle.com surveyed 1,500 singles to find out where they stood, and while only 27% of women admitted to harboring feelings for a male friend, a whopping 56% of men said they'd want to be more than friends with their female buds!

For those of you wondering whether or not you should make the move and confess your feelings, the odds are in your favor. Sixty percent of men surveyed said they'd successfully turned their friendships into romantic relationships, and women came in with a 44% success rate.

However, if you have sex and then regret it, you may have some problems. Only 38% of women said it's possible to have sex and then go back to being friends. Fortunately, men don't feel the same way. A majority 52% of men said they'd be totally cool with being friends again after sex.

While this study does shed some light on the subject, it is a difficult situation. Most people are afraid to jeopardize a friendship, especially if they have a long history together, or have seen each other through other relationships that didn't last. Would it be better to throw caution to the wind and confess your feelings to your friend? What if he didn't feel the same? Or if he did, what if your relationship didn't work out in the long run?

These are all risks that we take in life. If you have strong feelings for someone, you owe it to yourself (and to your friendship) to address them, because chances are the other person is already aware. It's hard to hide romantic attraction, no matter how discreet you think you're being. It's better to be honest and move forward from there.

If you confess and your friend isn't interested, don't despair. If she's a good, true friend, you will likely stay friends even if you take a little time apart to move past it.

And if you confess and your friend is totally into you too? Even better, don't you think?

Online dating has many advantages over more traditional ways of meeting people, but there is one area that is a little lacking: undivided attention. If the typical dating scene is two people sitting at a table together, online dating can be more like one person sitting at a table while fifty people walk by and drop off their phone number. Once a conversation gets going it’s the familiar one-on-one scenario, but when you send that first-contact email, you might just be one scrap of paper in a sizable heap.

On the one hand, this can make first-contact emails easier; there’s nothing to worry about, everyone sends them, and if a response is a little delayed, well, they might just be wading through the heap. Still, we don’t really want to be just another scrap, either.

Everyone wants to stand out, but how can you do that without being over the top? Well, the first step is to remember that nothing at all will happen if you don’t send an email. Being “forward” may not generally be in your nature, but this is truly one example of “nothing ventured, nothing gained.” And once you work up your courage, keep that feeling with you while you write your email; confidence often brings out the best in us.

Next, stay away from generic filler, like “hey,” especially in a subject line. In keeping with the scrap of paper analogy, an interesting subject line is the equivalent of making your scrap of paper neon-colored - it will grab the eye immediately.

In the body of the email, you want to be polite and friendly. Imagine you’re a famous celebrity, and a fan is coming up to say hi. What would you like to hear? Well, maybe something along the lines of, “Just wanted to say I really enjoyed your work in your latest film, particularly this key detail.” A warm smile, a handshake, and they’re out of there. Compare that to a fan who jeopardizes your time, gets too close or inappropriate, mumbles incoherently, or fawns so much that you get uncomfortable.

The same applies to first-contact emails, only this time you’re not the celebrity. You want that warm smile, relevant piece of information (like a comment that pertains to their profile) and quick handshake, and you want to avoid the part where someone stands too close.

Believe it or not, those simple elements - friendliness, appropriateness, an interesting and relevant tidbit or two - when combined with spell-check are more than enough to make your first-contact email stand out from the heap of papers on the table. It really can be as simple as that. So what are you waiting for? Write a scrap that stands out!