Relationships

Our dating lives are primarily driven by chemistry. We search for that elusive instant spark, and if we're not feeling it within the first few minutes of the date, many times we check out mentally and emotionally. We dismiss a date without even trying to get to know him.

There's a big difference between a good date and a good relationship. While a man might appear funny, charming, and sexy at the beginning, later on you might find him to be non-committal, a player, or otherwise not relationship material. The only way you can find out if someone is good relationship material is through actually getting to know him.

Most people are awkward and a little unsure on the first date. And if they get the vibe that you're not into them, then the awkwardness intensifies. He will either try to oversell himself to compensate for your lack of interest, or he'll withdraw. Neither of these scenarios means that you will be more attracted to him. But have you given him a real chance? Probably not.

Instead of writing him off, take a step back. The majority of women say that they married a man who they weren't at first attracted to - which means that they gave someone a chance even if he didn't blow them away from the start. And then they found lasting love.

Following are five reasons to say yes to a second date:

He's not your type - and that might be a good thing. If you tend to be attracted to the same type of man but it hasn't yet worked out for you, isn't it worth it to date someone totally different? You might find that the men you are typically attracted to are great daters, but lousy partners. You can't know whether someone will love and respect you until you have dated and gotten to know each other. Real, lasting relationships take time to build. And when you're with the right person, it doesn't fizzle out. It only gets stronger.

The first date was fine, but not exciting. If you found a first date to be just okay, that he was "nice enough," then consider giving him a fair shot and agreeing to a second date. Remember: you aren't dating him exclusively - you are still meeting men. But giving each of your dates a fair shot means that it's important to take your time and see how things unfold between you. Finding love requires patience as well as perseverance.

It can't hurt. This goes without saying. What's the harm in agreeing to a second date? Maybe it will go nowhere, but maybe he will surprise you.

Chemistry doesn't mean long-term potential. I know people will disagree on this, but there is too much weight placed on instant attraction. What matters more is someone's honesty, respect for you, and kindness - none of which can really be assessed on the first or even the second date. It takes time. Isn't it worth it to get to know someone who possesses these qualities?

Are you addicted to social media? Are you compelled to check your Facebook account when you first get up in the morning? If your digital life is important to you, it might be hurting your ability to move on after a break-up.

Facebook keeps us connected to all the people we don't see on a regular basis, and keeps our pasts ever-present. While it's great to see what's going on with your old high school pal, it's another thing to see your ex posting pictures of his new girlfriend, or changing his status to "in a relationship" before you can even say "broken up."

While I wish we all had the courage to de-friend people who we're no longer involved with, it is a hard thing to do immediately. Maybe we can block a phone number or avoid places where you both used to go together, but tearing yourself away digitally is another challenge.

Following are some tips to help you break-up digitally:

Give yourself a digital break. There's nothing wrong with taking a brief time-out from Facebook, Twitter, etc. If it's hurting you to see his posts every time you login, then you'll be doing yourself a favor. Just take a breather - your friends will be there when you return.

Avoid posting about the relationship on your wall. While you might want the opinion of all your Facebook friends about whether or not your ex is a jerk, please don't post missives on your wall and then wait for people to comment. If you have to share your hurt and frustration with someone, then share in person. There's no need to make it a public forum. It's better if you don't know what his friends think of you, too - likely they will come to his defense. On Facebook.

Delete your relationship status. There's no need to let everyone know you're single, or "it's complicated," or anything else that might cause digital conversation. Just leave it blank for now. If anyone questions you, don't feel pressured to answer.

De-friend if you can. If your ex is always on Facebook, posting about his life, the people in it, or his musings, then you're causing yourself more emotional pain when you keep him as a friend. Even if you both decided in real life to stay friends, everybody needs time to heal when a relationship ends. This means taking a true break. De-friend him so you don't have to get his posts. You can always revisit your friendship status later, when both of you have moved on.

Katy Perry recently revealed to Vogue that her break-up with Russell Brand happened via a text message - one that he sent to announce he was filing for divorce. And while she admitted she made mistakes that contributed to its demise, she also realized in retrospect that Brand was very controlling.

"At first when I met him he wanted an equal, and I think a lot of times strong men do want an equal, but then they get that equal and they're like, I can't handle the equalness. He didn't like the atmosphere of me being the boss on tour. So that was really hurtful, and it was very controlling, which was upsetting," she explained to Vogue.

Katy Perry's experience sheds light on something that many people don't consider when entering into a romantic relationship - that one partner may be too controlling, which leads to conflict, self doubt, and a lot of frustration. But it isn't always obvious when you're in love. You may tend to make excuses for your partner or ignore the warning signs.

So how can you be sure you're not dating someone who's too controlling? Here are a few red flags to consider:

He's inflexible. Does he normally get his way when you are making plans, or is it a joint effort? If he's really considering your opinion and feelings, he will listen and try to come up with a solution that makes both of you happy. If he makes you feel guilty and claims you're being unreasonable most of the time, this is a red flag. Don't ignore it. Speak up and let him know your opinion matters.

He has poor communication skills. Some men aren't very emotionally open, and as a result they feel powerless when they are in love. In order to take back some control, they assert themselves when they should be partnering. If your man doesn't want to discuss issues you face, and directs you instead, it's time to address your concerns.

He's possessive. Does he sulk when you go out with your girlfriends instead of him? Does he get angry when you make a decision without his consent, even if it doesn't involve him? If he makes you feel bad for making choices independent of him, then consider it a problem.

He has no accountability. He places blame on other people, including you, because he isn't willing to look at himself. This is common - we tend to blame other people, circumstances, etc. instead of seeing how we contributed to the problem, and what we can do to change things. If he's not willing to look at himself, then maybe it's time to move on.

There was a recent article in Glamour discussing what it means to be "high maintenance." Many of us associate this term with negative images - women who date men for money and/or power, or who spend their lunch hours at the salon getting facials and massages, or who demand way too much in their relationships, making their men run.

Unfortunately, as the article states, women also tend to think asking for anything in a relationship would be considered "high maintenance" to a man. This includes basic courtesies, like calling back in a timely manner or making plans a couple of days in advance instead of receiving a last minute text to "hang out."

Many women go into new relationships trying to play the "cool" girlfriend by not asking for anything, even though they grow increasingly unhappy and frustrated as the relationship progresses (or doesn't progress). They are afraid to have difficult conversations with their dates. They don't want to tell their man how they feel for fear of being rejected outright. So they keep treading along hoping for things to change. This isn't healthy for any relationship. In fact, most of these relationships fizzle. But the emotional heartache could have been prevented had they stood up for what they wanted earlier in the relationship.

For example, let's say Laurie has been dating a man pretty regularly for three months. They have a great time together, laugh a lot, and she feels incredibly attracted to him. He can be sweet and romantic sometimes, surprising her with flowers or a nice dinner out. But many nights she wonders if he's going to call, or who he's with, or when she will meet any of his friends.

Laurie doesn't want to ask him how he feels. She's frightened that her admission of wanting to be more serious will make him bolt. She would rather keep dating him and enjoying their time together, hoping eventually he will ask her to be exclusive. Four months later, she's still waiting and growing increasingly confused and distraught. He calls less, he's still unpredictable, but he continues to date her.

In this example, Laurie isn't getting what she wants, and until she's willing to change things, it will continue down the same path until he breaks things off with her.

It is important to be courageous when you're dealing with your heart. If a man isn't giving you what you want or need in terms of a relationship, then it is up to you to tell him. He isn't the one in control here - both of you are equals in the relationship. Both of you deserve to have what you want. And if you can't get it with each other, you deserve to know and move on.

Asking for what you want isn't high maintenance. It's the road to a healthy relationship.

Chances are, if you’ve read any tips about online dating, you’ve something about being positive. Over time, the word starts to lose meaning. Is it just a buzzword? Is the idea that “positive is attracted to positive” just some New Age concept? After all, it doesn’t work with magnets.

But the truth is, even if it sounds a little funny or like some affirmation, staying positive is a great state to be in if you’re planning on forging relationships. It can even make you more attractive to others. Here are a few concrete ways to put this concept in action:

First, try to bond over something you both love, not something you both hate. Yes, it might be funny to make fun of that pop music star together, but being cynical and judgmental all the time becomes tiring - both for you and others. And if a relationship is founded on being just that, you’d better find something else in common before the foundation collapses. Much easier to focus on the things you like together from the very beginning.

Furthermore, emotions really can seem contagious - people naturally want to be around someone who lifts them up instead of someone who drags them down. While, yes, everyone has good and bad days, and every relationship takes turns being the cheerleader, even keeping a vague goal of positivity in your mind can remind you to try to see the glass half full.

To lift yourself up, try making a conscious effort to surround yourself with the people, actions and things that make you happy. This is why you might hear a suggestion to join a club or volunteer doing something you love - not just because other people are there, but because if you’re doing something you love, you’re possibly feeling your best. Then you might meet someone else who’s also at their best, and also shares a common interest. Even if you don’t meet a potential love interest, though, you’ve spent time having fun, being social and maybe even enriching yourself. Meeting a date is just a great bonus!

A funny thing can happen when you’re actively working on being more positive and recognizing the things in life that make you happy: you might actually become more positive and happy. This can potentially start a chain reaction - your confidence might rise naturally, which in turn makes you more attractive. You might gain clarity in the type of person you’d like to be with, which focuses your search abilities and makes it easier to let go of people who aren’t really compatible.

Focusing on positivity isn’t some New Age magic, and it’s not guaranteed that it will be life-changing. However, with pretty much zero bad side effects, why not give it a shot and see if it helps?

Imagine you see this while you’re perusing online dating profiles: “I’m ultimately looking for a long-term relationship, but I’m fine with something that is lower-pressure, too. I’m cool with whatever, no expectations or demands.” How would you interpret that statement?

Some might think that the writer of that profile was looking for an attachment-free hookup, a one-night stand. “No expectations or demands” is interpreted to mean “no expectations that this will go anywhere or demands on your time or emotions.” In fact, this is probably the more common interpretation of this statement; most readers will assume that’s what the author means when they’re “cool with whatever.”

However, there’s another possible meaning behind that statement - that instead of feeling the pressure to date and get into a physical relationship, the author is fine with friendship. “No expectations or demands” is meant physically. It’s definitely a less common interpretation, and actually there’s even a third option: that the author is including both possibilities and literally are open to relationships in any form. In this instance, however, “friendship instead of dating” was actually what the author meant when they wrote it! Imagine their surprise when most of the messages they received dealt with one-night stands!

It just goes to show that even the most carefully worded profile can suffer from blind spots. If you’re receiving indications that something isn’t adding up, don’t be afraid to call in friends or family for a second opinion and an extra set of eyes. Perhaps if the author in question had run their profile past someone else, this ambiguous statement would have been caught early on. There’s no need to over-proofread your profile, but if things aren’t going your way, it might help to ask yourself: are you sending the messages you think you are?