Relationships

Reports have come out recently that the widow of Steve Jobs is back in the dating pool, and is seeing former D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty.

Dating again after a devastating loss such as death or divorce is not easy. In fact, many people wait years before they feel comfortable enough to go out on a first date or even consider joining an online dating site. It's difficult to give of yourself emotionally when you've suffered such a huge loss.

So what can you do if you want to move on? And how do you know if you're really ready?

I think many people are afraid to begin the process of finding a new relationship. It's one thing to work through your grief and come to a good place in your life as a single person, but it's another thing to think about a relationship with someone new. Some people tend to avoid working through the process of healing, and jump immediately into a new relationship to avoid being alone.

Here are a few signs to tell if you're truly ready for that next relationship:

You've worked through your grief. It's scary to go from being part of a couple to on your own. Some people respond to this by jumping head first into a relationship immediately after losing the last one. Unfortunately, this doesn't give you a chance to process what happened. It's important to work through your grief, anger, and other issues that surface when you've lost a partner. It's also important to know who you are on your own, outside of a relationship. You are a different person than you were before, and it's good to acknowledge and embrace that.

You are happy on your own. This might sound cliché, but it's important to get to know yourself as a single person. Try hobbies that are new to you, do some traveling to places you've always dreamed of visiting. Test the waters to see what you might enjoy in your new life. Cultivate those interests you have that bring you joy, whether it's skiing or cooking or painting. When you see what brings you joy, and you pursue it, then a relationship is a bonus, not something you need.

You leave the past behind. Instead of thinking my ex used to order this for dinner, start on a clean slate. Making comparisons doesn't add to your life and sense of well-being going forward. Nobody will be like your former partner, so try to see each person in a new light. It will help you be more open to love.

You are emotionally available. There's a big difference between dating because you're feeling lonely and dating because you want the experience of a new relationship. If you're not willing to give someone else your love and attention, then you probably shouldn't be looking for a relationship.

You will know. There's something to be said for listening to your gut. If you feel that you aren't ready, then don't allow others to push you towards dating. If you do feel ready, then don't wait for the most "appropriate" time to start - just go for it!

Chances are, when you sign up for a dating site, love is your primary focus, not friendship. However, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, there are many reasons to keep good old-fashioned friendship first and foremost in your mind.

First of all, regardless of whether you’ve had successful romantic relationships in the past, chances are you’ve had a few successful long-term friendships. The concept of making friends is something familiar to you, and thus less stressful. You have a solid idea of what you’re looking for when you’re looking for a friend, and you’re more likely to trust your gut instincts.

By primarily focusing on whatever you’d look for in a friend, you’re forcing yourself to read profiles more closely. Some tend to scan profiles and set aside only the most attractive prospects. While attraction is definitely still a factor, using a photo to form your first impression can potentially impair your judgment; for example, you might give a profile more deliberation than it deserves because the person is attractive. You won’t be able to close your eyes at the pictures entirely, but simply setting out with a different goal in mind might cause you to look at everything slightly differently.

Physical attraction, or more specifically, chemistry, is absolutely important in a romantic relationship, and one of the reasons meeting in person as soon as possible is encouraged. However, there are many factors in a successful relationship, and chemistry is just one of them. By searching for a “friend,” you’re searching for someone who has something going for them in addition to chemistry. In essence, you’re upping your chances of finding someone compatible because you’ve identified additional traits you admire or share.

Ultimately, the only way to predict physical compatibility is to meet in person. So why waste your time trying to predict it via online profiles? Perhaps you should use the time to identify potential friends, instead. The chances of finding someone with whom you’ll share a physical spark might be similar, but perhaps you’ll walk away with a few platonic friendships, as well.

The scenario: You've met a woman you find incredibly attractive. You've been dating for a few weeks, and are considering a relationship. The problem? She posts constantly about her personal life on social media, and checks Facebook and Instagram constantly, which makes you a little uncomfortable. What will she say about you?

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and other social media sites have become a huge part of our lives. Most of us regularly check in. But we all have different levels of comfort with what and how much we share.

If you're in your twenties, you're more likely to friend someone before the first date, and you're more likely to share aspects of your life over social media. There isn't such a divide between your virtual presence and your real life, because the Internet and social media have been ever-present. So it might be harder to discern where the line is when you discuss your love life. For instance, do you blog, Tweet, or share stories on Facebook about your dates? Do you look at someone's relationship status before her ring finger? Do you like to post photos of you and your dates on Instagram?

Social media can play a large role in developing relationships, so it's important to discuss how you will use it if you decide to take your relationship to the next level.

Maybe you're worried because your girlfriend checks her Facebook page when she first wakes up in the morning, or because her Instagram account is full of pictures of her getting drunk with friends. Before you make assumptions about her online behavior going forward, it's important to discuss what makes you uncomfortable and set some boundaries as far as what you'll share online.

For instance, let her know that you love her blog, but you don't want to be the subject of any posts, positive or negative. Talk about your relationship status in person before you make decisions about what it is on Facebook. Maybe you're fine with her posting pictures of her meals, travel, or friends on Instagram, but you're uncomfortable with her keeping a visual record of every date. Talk it out. Together you can decide where the boundaries are, what you can compromise on, and what will make both of you happy.

Bottom line: if you're uncomfortable with how much or the content of what your girlfriend shares, let her know. Don't expect her to have the same opinions or judgments as you do. Everyone is a little different when it comes to what they are willing to expose and the stories they wish to tell publicly. So don't make assumptions based on what you think is right. Discuss how much you want to share of your love life over social media.

Falling in love can be intoxicating. You meet someone, and you click. You find yourself incredibly attracted to each other, and eventually, you want to spend all of your time together. Before you know it, you've moved in together and are spending every night together - watching movies, making dinner, or even doing laundry together. You've fallen into a rhythm of being each other's company, no matter what you're doing.

And while these are all wonderful things, they (like everything else in life) also need balance. Do you find yourself feeling guilty that you haven't seen your friends in weeks? Or are you happy to go to another art exhibit with your partner when really you'd prefer to go to the beach and lie in the sand, reading your magazines? Are your needs truly being met, or are you ignoring them to spend time together?

Just like you can't throw yourself into work without upsetting your personal relationships, you can't throw yourself full-time into your new partnership without sacrificing some of your own individual needs. The key is striking a balance.

Everyone needs her own personal time. It's valuable for recharging, for growing intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally, for feeding your relationship. Relying on another person or on the relationship to help you fill your time and all of your needs won't be successful. It's important to have a sense of independence in order to grow in a relationship and with a partner.

So, how do you balance "we" time vs. "me" time? What if your partner doesn't understand that you would like to spend Sunday afternoons by yourself, or go out with your girlfriends a few times a week, or go on a solo hiking trip once a month for your own enjoyment?

If you're scared or unsure of how to approach the subject, try being completely open. Likely your partner would welcome some alone time, too, and maybe he's just as afraid to bring up the subject and disrupt your routine.

Let him know that spending time by yourself or with a friend is important to you. Let him know that it helps you to recharge, whether you need some peace and quiet after a rough work week, whether you'd like to get back in touch with those hobbies you haven't dabbled with in a while, or whether it's just to have a laugh and catch up with a friend. These parts of your life are just as important as your relationship, and are necessary to your overall happiness.

Making time for yourself is an important part of building better relationships with those most important to you.

Friending someone on Facebook before your first date might be more acceptable than you think, according to a recent survey by Mashable.com.

One out of four people send a friend request before the first date, according to the responses of 3,000 participants who were asked what they found acceptable in regard to dating in the digital age. Roughly 39% of college-aged participants friend request before the first date, but then the number drops to 26.2% for 20-somethings and 16.4% for those in their thirties. For all ages, only 12.5% prefer to wait until you mutually decide on relationship exclusivity.

So what does this mean for your Facebook profile? Since friending early on in the dating trajectory seems to be the trend, it's important to know what you post on your page and make sure to adjust your privacy settings. If you've been ranting about your awful ex boyfriend or posting drunk photos with your friends, you might be putting off potential dates. Most of us don't take the time to filter each post, but if you're choosing to friend virtual strangers before you've even started to date, you might want to consider the importance of your digital first impression.

And what about announcing your relationship status on Facebook? As it turns out, women are slightly more reluctant than men to do so. Almost 79% of women say they must be mutually exclusive in a relationship before posting, whereas only 63.5% of men agree. Over 19% of men say that they would become Facebook official after multiple dates compared with only 10% of women.

Do you check your phone on a date? Has it become a more acceptable practice? Not really, according to respondents. Over 50% say that you should never check your phone on a first date, or only if it's an emergency. However, 37% are willing to check their phones if a date has left the room. No age group was okay with checking your phone whenever you wanted while on a date.

Another statistic that was intriguing: despite our culture's increasing preference for texting vs. calling someone, more people in their twenties, thirties and forties prefer a call over a text from someone they just met and who might be interested in dating. There was a bit of a gap among the age groups however. Twenty-three percent of women in their twenties preferred a phone call compared to 15% who thought a text message was acceptable. But for women in their forties, 47% felt that a phone call was an acceptable way to follow up with someone compared to only 7.7% who felt that texting was okay.

I live in southern California, so I have to admit - dating here, and especially in the summer, is awesome. There's no need for a back-up plan because it rarely rains. Outdoor concerts, hiking, and kayaking are all great dates that can be planned in advance with no hiccups.

But for the majority of the country, it's not so easy. Plans for taking a picnic to the beach are easily thwarted with afternoon thunder showers or the occasional cold, overcast evening. Instead of cursing the local weather person, try one of these indoor date ideas:

See some art. Museums often stay open late in the summer, especially if there is a special exhibition. Other good alternatives are galleries, which tend to be smaller, more intimate experiences with wine and cheese offerings if it's opening night. Check your local listings for what's available.

Cook together. When was the last time you bought special ingredients and prepared an elaborate three-course dinner including dessert? One of my favorite dates is cooking together - sharing a bottle of wine and trying out a new recipe. Not a chef? That's okay. Look for cooking classes in your area. Most will give you a specific assignment and provide ingredients so you don't have to shop. Go for an informal, fun setting so it doesn't become stressful or a contest. The point is to have fun and enjoy what you create together.

Painting parties. Many cities are starting to offer "wine and paint" parties, which are exactly as they sound. You pay a set fee for supplies, and then you're given a painting assignment while you sip some chardonnay. Don't consider yourself an artist? That's okay. It's a chance to be creative and have some fun indoors. (And if you're single, you could meet potential dates.)

Watch old movies. There's nothing like a movie marathon to help boost your spirits. Pop some popcorn, crack open a bottle of wine, and login to your Netflix account to revisit some of your old favorites, whether it's Breakfast at Tiffany's, Say Anything, or Pulp Fiction. You get to decide in the comfort of your own living room.

Go dancing. Were you looking to get some exercise? If your date admits his dance moves aren't the best, maybe it's time to take some lessons. Most cities offer informal classes in salsa, two-step, and other popular forms of dance, and then open the floor for everyone later in the evening. Even if you're not the best dancers, it will help you break a sweat, listen to good music, and have some fun.