Relationships

An obvious benefit of online dating is the ability to easily find people with common interests. Depending on the dating service and the profile, it's not that difficult to find someone who shares the same religion, favorite music, niche hobbies, or even counterculture lifestyle.

Here's the problem, though: once they become aware of the limitless possibilities of an Internet search, some people become much pickier about who they even contact, waiting for that “perfect person” whose personality, looks and interests are exactly what they're looking for.

And as specialized dating sites spring up with the speed of multiplying bacteria, they reinforce the notion that a person with different interests is ultimately incompatible. Strangely enough, the Internet – a place notorious for being blind to first impressions, for finding one's “soul mate” - can be more restrictive than a singles' night chaperoned by nuns, in the wrong hands.

Don't get me wrong – common interests are essential in a long-term relationship. When the adrenaline and hormones wane, when sex is less of a top priority, hopefully a couple has something to talk about, or the situation will go downhill fast.

However, another component essential in a long-term relationship is independence. Many lasting close relationships – whether it be romantic or platonic – eventually become identified by their differences instead of their similarities. Think of a set of twins – sure, they might like to do 90% of their activities together, but they also want their own identities, so Tommy becomes known as “the one who plays soccer” and Timmy is “the one who plays baseball.” Though it's great to have common interests with the one you love, it's really not necessary to have every single interest match up – for many, the lack of time apart becomes suffocating.

Most people don't really want a clone of themselves – they want respect and validation. That is why the niche dating websites can be so helpful; a person from a religious website might understand why your activities are limited on certain days without judgment. Someone from a science fiction site might not like your favorite fantasy series, but they probably won't make fun of you either. It is the understanding, not the agreement, that we all really crave.

So remember, as you're perusing an online dating site, that you're looking for a type of person, a person who will respect and appreciate you - not just a specific set of interests.

You've seen all the commercials, you've heard all the success stories, and you're a single person desperately seeking that special someone. So you say, "I'll join eHarmony!" You log in, go through the whole personality test and anxiously click the final button to get your results...

"Unable to match you at this time"

WHAT? eHarmony, the site of love and happiness, has decided that you're not matchable for love and happiness? What gives? What did you do wrong? How can you be such a horrible person that you've been rejected from a dating site?

Well, hold your horses for just a bit while I explain it to you.

First off, if eHarmony rejects you, BE HAPPY. They're essentially saying "Don't waste your money on us." Move on to a different dating site and then you can laugh when you're writing your Chemistry.com success story later down the road.

But for those who are curious, here are the main reasons why eHarmony will reject you:

1) You're gay. eHarmony doesn't match people who aren't straight. If you're looking for the same exact personality test on a site that's just for gay people, check out CompatiblePartners.net.

2) You're separated or married. eHarmony doesn't play that game. Even if you're just waiting to sign the papers, eHarmony still considers you married.

3) You're too young. 18 or 19? You're "not old enough" to be marriage-minded.

4) You've tried marriage too many times. If you've had multiple divorces, eHarmony doesn't think you're a good match for its members.

5) You flunked the personality test. If eHarmony considers you to be too angry, sad, untrustworthy, or dishonest, you'll be rejected. This will also happen if your test answers contradict each other. Also semi-unfair? If you admit to having a bad childhood (even if you've worked through it in therapy!) you'll probably be rejected, too.

My advice?

If you get accepted to eHarmony, great. If not, no biggie. There are plenty of other great sites out there like Chemistry.com and RewardingLove.com that have extensive personality tests. And honestly? When I was an eHarmony member, most of my matches were guys I'd already seen via Match.com. Being rejected from one dating site isn't the end of the world; it's simply one opportunity lost - and not necessarily the best one for you!

For further information on this dating site and how it works, read our review of eHarmony.

In a perfect world, online dating sites would have an endless stream of fresh prospects, people who live just around the corner that you never knew existed. People who live in your town and have your interests, who attend the same concerts and museums and county fairs as you, and it's through a cruel twist of fate that you'd never run into each other before.

Certainly, this can happen, and does. In cities with tens of thousands, or even millions of people, it's quite possible for there to be scores of compatible people right around the corner that you've never seen before.

However, we don't all live in a place like New York City or Los Angeles. Maybe you live in a city that feels more like a small town. Maybe the people who share your interests are the small community – every Ultimate Frisbee player knows every other. Or maybe we really do live in a town that numbers in the hundreds, and there's only five single people in your age range – and you all know each other.

In these situations, it's almost inevitable: eventually, you see someone you know on an online dating site.

Most of the time, it's a little jarring, but not earth-shattering; maybe it's that newly-divorced co-worker who had mentioned they were thinking about creating a profile. Maybe it's your neighbor down the street that you dated once, but there was no spark. Their profiles don't present any story other than the one you already know.

But what if it's someone you knew as a child? Someone you hadn't thought of in years? Or worse – someone you'd despised?

In mid-sized towns and cities, it's entirely possible to know someone for a brief time in your life – say, elementary school – and never encounter that person again until years later. Now, social networking sites make those re-connections all the more likely. In our youth, we tend to make judgments that stick with us – but what if the person's profile describes a person completely unlike the one you knew years earlier? Do you take a chance, or trust your first impression?

As with everything, every situation is unique. Instead of pros and cons, try balancing logic and gut instinct. How long ago did you know this person? How grievous were the crimes committed against you? A little teasing in elementary school is quite a different subject than cruelty as a teenager. And finally, which feels more accurate: the person in the profile before you, or the person you disliked in your youth?

If you're certain of that answer, you know whether to take a chance or let sleeping dogs lie.

How many dimensions of compatibility? eHarmony says 29. Between you and me, I didn't ever think of breaking my personality, habits, likes and goals into 29 dimensions. I'm a 3-D gal myself, but have to admit that the eHarmony compatibility test is rather in-depth.

If you're looking for an online dating site that takes the legwork out of the dating process for you, eHarmony just might be the way to go. There's no "search" capability. The eHarmony matches you based strictly on the compatibility test you take when you sign-up for a new account. While it may seem as if they're asking you for your birthmarks and first born, it's simply eHarmony's way of getting what they need to know to make more successful matches for you.

The essence of eHarmony's compatibility profile is this: it's a personality test. They're looking for key identifying factors in your personality that will allow them to match you with people who are similar. eHarmony does not subscribe to the old adage that opposites attract. Rather, they're thinking you'll be more at home with people who are similar to you in taste, thought process and social style.

How many questions will you be sitting down to answer? Over 250. When you've stopped blinking and gasping for air, think of it like this: in an hour of meeting someone at a bar, you probably ask one another at least 30 questions. eHarmony is, based on that math, giving you eight to nine hours of conversation potential with their compatibility test alone. Think of it as the best way to tell someone who you are, what you prefer and what you're looking for. That takes more than just 10 quick questions and three profile pictures. And remember: eHarmony is designed as a site for those who want HELP in the dating world, not those who prefer to do their own legwork.

When sitting down to complete the eHarmony compatibility test, give yourself at least an hour. An hour? Indeed! If you need to break it up into two sessions, don't be afraid to do so. We'll admit - that's a lot of sitting. But give yourself the time to answer the profile questions completely and honestly. After all, some of the responses will be visible in your final profile. First impressions - you never get a second chance!

The test will ask you questions about everything from your preferred type of vacation spot to how you handle conflict. They really run the gamut. This is another reason to take your time, as the questions really do require some thought. Just think - if you're going to find someone to spend your life with, you want there to be at least some deep thought involved, right? Here are three tips to help you through the eHarmony compatibility test:

Tip 1: Take Your Time. It's about finding a long-term relationship, not a one night stand. Put the same amount of effort and time into the compatibility profile that you'd appreciate seeing in the matched eHarmony sends you.

Tip 2: There are no "trick questions." Psychological profiling tests are designed to prompt you to choose the most natural answer. Don't overthink the process. Read the question, give it a thought and mark your answer.

Tip 3: If you fail, no sweat. Yes, it's possible to fail the eHarmony compatibility test! Does it mean you're a failure? NO! It simply means that eHarmony doesn't have anyone in their database with whom they think they can match you. They're doing you the favor of saving you $50+ a month. Don't take it personally and try another online dating site.

For further information on this dating site and how it works, read our review of eHarmony.

I once worked with a girl who had a reputation for being – for lack of a better phrase – a serial dater. She was quick to tell you about the latest guy she was seeing, or even the latest guy she met. After knowing her for a few months, people knew to tune out the details, because they weren't worth remembering; it seemed after a few weeks, months, or even days, the “violinist” was replaced by the “baseball player,” who was then the “rock climber.”

In reality, this girl wasn't really dating more than anyone else; she simply felt the need to share every little detail of her life. She wouldn't just fill us in on who she was dating; she would tell us about the cute guy she talked to, or saw on her way to work. She'd tell us about a guy (or several) she saw on an online dating site that she was thinking about emailing. It was essentially like living in her romantic stream of consciousness.

Still, that didn't stop others in the office from looking at her and clucking their tongues with disapproval when she shared her thoughts on the “construction worker.” It seems ridiculous that one's dating lifestyle should affect one's job, but for her, it did – soon people began to assume that she was as flighty in all other aspects of her life, including her job performance. Her performance didn't actually suffer, but everyone knew that she had to “prove” herself a little more than the rest of us.

Usually, when people wonder when they should fill in others about their new relationship, they're thinking of family and close friends. However, in today's environment of over-sharing, it's easy to spill more than you mean to. For example, you might not have to literally blab at work; all you'd have to do is post about it on your Facebook.

A simple rule of thumb: your dating life is your personal business. In the first few months of a growing relationship, the people you should tell are the people you'd feel most comfortable telling if it didn't work out. And, of course, you should keep a close friend appraised of your plans when you're meeting someone new, for safety reasons.

As for everyone else, it's strictly business until you say so.

There are the times where everything is hunky-dory and then…well, the other times, right? You and your partner can blow through your days with nothing but laughter and love but every now and then, you’ll hit a wall with brute force and wonder how you’re going to make it through. I wanted to send along a little conflict resolution advice that you can either take or leave but it’s served me well thus far. Perhaps it’ll serve you, too!

Don’t Yell. Yelling doesn’t do anyone any good. While occasionally, you need to get something off your chest, yelling (as a rule of thumb) only puts the other person on the defensive. And that means they’re going to “turn up the volume,” too! Having a conversation instead of a yelling match will go miles towards a mutually agreeable resolution. Yelling will only bring you closer to buying a year’s supply of ear plugs.

Count to Ten. We all say things we don’t mean. Occasionally, we even mean the mean things we say. To avoid saying things we all wish we could take back, try counting to ten before you let the words fly. Sometimes what you were going to say becomes less important. Sometimes you even think of something more productive to say. Other times, you decide to say nothing at all. It’s amazing what ten little numbers can do to save our hearts and relationships, isn’t it?