Relationships

It's the internet age. Whether you meet someone through an online dating website or while running your most recent 5k, there are dating safety considerations that you likely haven't considered. It's pretty easy to find anyone these days, given the infinite possibilities the internet extends. However - do you really want just anyone to be able to find you?

We sat down and compiled the top five dating safety tips that you probably haven't even thought about. Ten years ago, these things weren't even an issue. Today is an entirely different dating ballgame!

Geolocation: Do you use cool smart phone apps like Four Square or Brightkite? They're tons of fun to help you explore new places and share information with friends and others in your local area. However - they all use geolocation. They pinpoint you at an exact place, at an exact time. Applications like Four Square also share ALL of your contact information (phone number and email address included) with anyone you accept as a "friend." So think twice before accepting friend requests and think about where you check in. Try not to check in at locations too close to your home and consider when it's OK to share your location with the world. Sometimes people just don't need to know.

Facebook: It's huge. Everyone seems to be everyone's friend these days. But do you actually KNOW the people you're adding to your friends roster? My advice is that you should. Facebook personal profiles are for friends, family and acquaintances. If you run a business, create a Facebook Fan Page and connect with colleagues, customers and other business connections on there. And here's a word of caution for dating: wait a bit before connecting with people you're dating on applications like Facebook. They'll have access to all of your friends, photos and daily life comments. Make them earn access to your inner sanctum. Keep your personal life personal. Also, check all of your uploaded photos for things like shots of your home or license plate. These are things that sneak into our photos without us even realizing it and are prime fuel for anyone dead-set on finding us (even when we don't want to be found).

Blogs: In today's online age, tons of people have personal or business blogs. If you're one of those people, those outlets are easy ways for people to find you. If you use WordPress, you have the ability to block a user's IP address from accessing your site if you're being harassed (thank you, WordPress!). Other blogging software offers the same capability. If you have a blog or other online presence, don't post your email address. Use a contact form or mask your email address using a website like this email address encoder. Don't list your phone number on a personal blog or website. If people want to get hold of you, there's nothing that can't wait until you respond to an email. And if they have a legitimate reason for contacting you, they'll understand your privacy and pursuit of safe online practices.

Personal Profiles: Online dating sites, blogs, social networking profiles like Facebook and MySpace...there are tons of places online for you to tell people who you are and what you like. But how much information is too much? If you're a prominent blogger or media professional, you have to let people know who you are any why you're a credible source. Establishing a personality may be key to your livelihood. But you can still play it safe and not give away the milk for free. Never give your address - a city and state is fine. Consider carefully posting the names of children and/or their pictures. Unless your online presence has something to do with your employer, don't share where you work (employers hate stalkers!). There are ways to be who you are and in all its glory without letting a date-gone-bad (or even a date gone great) do more digging and discover information about you that you didn't even know you were making available. If you go to school (even college), don't post your school name - your major and graduation year are fine. In fact, leave off the graduation year if you like as it speaks to age (another identifying factor). Think before you post - that's the theme here. Just because everything is available over the internet doesn't mean you have to make it so easy to find.

Business Addresses: Do you work for yourself and enjoy the bliss of making your own hours and working in bunny slippers? Then it's likely you have a business address: your home. If you went the formal route of establishing a business entity, then your home address is listed on your corporate formation paperwork with the Secretary of State's office in your state. This information is public record. Consider heavily whether you want to obtain a "virtual" business address from a respected source. Many outlets like Mailboxes, Etc. offer street addresses for a modest annual fee. You can also do a web search for "virtual business address" and compare listing prices. Since P.O. boxes aren't allowed for business addresses, virtual addresses are a safer route than listing your actual home address. After all - you love working for yourself and it's a topic that comes up on first dates everywhere: what do you do for a living? No reason to make it so easy for your date to track you down in public records.

Here's the bottom line for dating safety in the digital age: if you post something online, people can find it. Social networking and online dating sites are great fun, but understand what new applications make public information before you go all gung-ho. It's your safety at hand, and start thinking iSafe instead of iPhone!

Valentine's Day can be a stressful holiday for single people, but it can be an even more frustrating experience for those who are coupled up. For those in a long-term relationship, where this is your 2nd or 3rd or 15th Valentine's Day, it's easier. You know what your partner expects and you communicate well with each other about your needs.

But if it's your first Valentine's Day together, what do you do?

If you're lucky, you and your partner can have a discussion about the holiday and decide what to do together. Will you buy presents? Will you plan a romantic dinner out that night? Will you cook dinner together at home? Will you celebrate Valentine's Day out a day later to avoid the crowds? This can all be decided through frank and honest communication with your partner.

However, I'm not here to talk about all that... I want to tell you the story about a guy who sealed the coffin on a relationship with me on Valentine's Day.

This guy, we'll call him Mike, was a sweet guy. We had started dating in late January and had a couple nice dates for dinners and movies. He'd taken me to his job in a high-tech industry and given me a tour of their facilities. By the time Valentine's came around, we had been on about four dates.

We'd kissed a lot, but that's about as far as it had gone. It was very much still in the "we're dating" stage, not the "we're boyfriend/girlfriend" stage. And to be honest, I was having a hard time seeing us making the switch. There were things about him that just weren't clicking for me and (more honesty!) he was an AWFUL kisser. It was like his jawbone was crushing my face. I tried to nicely guide him in the direction of the type of kisses I like, but he wasn't very teachable.

But the nail in the coffin was the Valentine's Day card he gave me. Now, there are thousands of Valentine's Day cards to choose from in your local store. There are cards for spouses, cards for boyfriends/girlfriends, cards for other loved ones, serious cards, sappy cards, funny cards, non-committal cards. TONS!

What card did he choose for me? One that read like a love poem about our deep intimacy and affection and wished for us to grow old together. Seriously. It's something I'd expect after being married for five years, not after going on five dates.

The moral of the story: When in doubt, go for a funny Valentine's card. You can SHOW more love if you want, but you can't un-show an overly sappy card in a relationship that's not at that point yet.

Now you know, and knowing's half the battle!

I've heard this one more than once: “I didn't want to say I was meeting someone from the Internet, so I said I was going on a blind date” or “We told people met on a blind date.” Some feel that online dating has enough of a stigma that meeting on a blind date is preferable. And in some circles, they might well be right. My question is: why?

Why is a blind date so much better than meeting someone through an online dating site? Let's think about what a blind date actually is: someone theoretically close to you (though not always) thinks you would hit it off with some other person, so you go on a date to find out. That's it. The person you might not trust in choosing a sweater for you gives their two cents on your love life, and you listen.

With online dating, you're choosing the potential date yourself. You have at least some hints about their personality and appearance, and you have your gut instinct. Hopefully, you've been chatting as well, and you think there's intellectual chemistry. It would appear to be a much more informed, responsible decision – so why cover it up?

Maybe the appeal of the blind date story – and blind dates in general – is that in a blind date, someone is essentially vouching for the stranger you're about to meet. This may be true in theory, but often the person facilitating the blind date is only acquaintances with one or more of the people involved.

To me, claiming you're going on a blind date instead of an online meeting says more about you – your self-esteem, whether you want to claim responsibility for your decisions or be passive – than what the other person will think. Be bold and stand behind your decisions! If everyone does this, soon we won't be worrying about a stigma at all.

Valentine's Day is coming up quickly, and a reference to Valentine's Day might appear to be the quickest and most obvious way to update your online profiles. However, as you sit down to compose your update, beware! Valentine's Day is a holiday loaded with meaning for many, and often the meaning is quite different depending on who you're talking to.

For example, a simple “Looking for a Valentine” is probably heartfelt and topical. Get any more specific, though, as in “Looking for a date this Valentine's Day” and the reader begins to wonder: are you desperate? Are you only worried about a date for this arbitrary day? And if you're letting an arbitrary day get under your skin that much, are you superficial in general?

Then it's possible to go too far in the opposite direction. You might want to give the impression that you're confident and unaffected by silly holidays, so you might toss out something like, “Looking forward to Valentine's Day... when else can I sit alone on my couch with a box of chocolates and a bottle of wine?” Some might find something like this funny, but it walks dangerously close to coming off bitter. Humor is always tricky on the Internet, and with a profile it's a extra hard, as there's no additional context like previous emails to get the tone of the writer.

So, what's the safe middle ground? Go for silly, happy and cheesy. Maybe mention that you're glad to have an excuse to wear that tie with purple and red hearts this month, or that you're going to bombard your office with superhero Valentine's cards. You could wonder aloud why supermarkets sell Valentine's Day-themed stuffed animals that are often monkeys or elephants. Stick to the fun of the holiday, without assigning meaning to it, and you'll avoid being misunderstood.

Still, the easiest answer is: Don't tread into that Valentine's Day land mine at all. Update with something more innocuous and less loaded, like you're already searching the ground for the first hint of spring or how you're so excited at a thaw that you're running around in shorts. Lame as it may sound, the weather is current, safe, and easy to apply your own flavor, whether it be romantic or funny. Leave Valentine's Day to the kids with the stuffed animals.

In the past two weeks, I have had two dates with men who consider themselves a "starving artist." One was a sculptor, the other a singer. Neither appeared to be making an actual living from their primary pursuits. The sculptor revealed that he had grown up on Park Avenue and had a quaint country house in Maine (Hmm... where is the "starving" part of this artist?). The singer, over wine one night, told me that he paid his bills by waiting tables. If things couldn't get bad enough, he told me he was a singing waiter.

Both men were approaching 40.

Admittedly, I don't pull down all that much income. I make enough to support myself and get by and pay my bills. But I am not living the high life by any means. But, at 41, I actually earn a substantial living from my job and support myself from it. I don't have to take side jobs to pay my bills. As a fully fledged (well, pretty much) grown up, I know that I shouldn't try to live outside my means. Which is why I was totally shocked when the sculptor explained why he didn't pay the bill was because he was "a starving artist." Now, the tab was not all that much. $50. So I couldn't help but wonder why, if the extra $25 was going to break his bank for the week, he went out in the first place. I mean, if you have so little wiggle room that $25 could set you back, my thought is ... stay home. But that's me. Even more shocking was that he still insisted on walking me home and kissing me several times good night, likely pulling a Hail Mary Pass by trying to land himself in my end zone despite not paying the check.

The situation with singer was different. I willingly offered my share of the tab. Not only did I not sense any attraction for him, but I couldn't imagine letting someone who probably was scraping by pay for my drinks. That's a general rule for me. If I don't think there's any chemistry, at least enough for a second date, I offer up my share. I don't let a man pay my way when I don't believe he'll receive his return on investment.

I know how this makes me sound. It makes me appear shallow. Think what you will. The biggest mark against these men wasn't their lack of extra income. It was the fact that that were both approaching middle age and still insisting on pursuing a career that possibly did not support them. This is fine if they wish to live a life without a serious relationship. But how can you even imagine creating a partnership with someone else when you can't pull your weight financially? Not only that, but consider the emotional strains placed on a relationship where one partner isn't doing their part. Success in any arena is heavily dependent upon the person seeking success devoting a great deal of their time and thought to achieving said goal. That doesn't leave a great deal of room for a partner to be a priority. Something, in that equation, has to give way.

Let's be clear about something. I will ALWAYS support and be the cheerleader for someone pursuing a dream, regardless of how old they are. But that person needs to be able to support themselves first before they risk it all. They also need to demonstrate that they have an understanding of what's at stake if they do not succeed. Finally, they need to live their life as though they are planning to bring someone in to it. That requires that they know and understand that their partner might find their current lifestyle concerning

I think this is more of an issue for women than it is for men. Unless a woman represents some kind of potential financial burden on them, they don't care if she's a struggling actress of writer. It's different for women. Maybe it's because men are "supposed" to be the financially responsible ones. Sure. That's part of it. The other huge part is that being involved with someone who's on unsure financial footing will require an even bigger emotional investment on the woman's part. We'll be expected to not only emotionally support him (and possibly financially support him) but also continuously stroke his ego. Then there's the emotional roller coaster that comes with all of that. It's a lot of work.

Here are my final thoughts .... becoming an adult means giving up on certain pipe dreams and accepting certain realities. Being a part of a loving. mutually beneficial relationship means continuously striving to be the best partner you can be. If, by 35 or 40, you're still choosing a certain path and it's not one that comes with a certain level of stability, then you need to decide how important a relationship really is to you. It's fine if it is not as important as your career. But be honest with yourself. Realize that you may be pulling other people down while you try to build yourself up.

Valentine's Day ideas - how do you make sure this year is better than all the rest? The most romantic day of the year is approaching and we wanted to help you take the guesswork out of creating a beautiful event for you and that special person in your life. Let's face it: sometimes we get stumped trying to conjure-up the ideal romantic scenario. Some of us are just not the "romantic" types (and maybe our partners aren't either!). Let us do the thinking to help get you on the right path to Valentine's Day success and use the following ideas to get February 14 off to just the right start:

A Wake-Up Surprise
Sneak over to your lover's house the night before and put a greeting card, bouquet of flowers or another something special on their windshield. What a delightful surprise they'll have waiting for them the next morning! Now, don't go breaking into garages to make this happen - a surprise left on their front doorstep can be just as effective (accompanied by a text to check their front door!).

The Office Surprise
Guys and gals alike want to know you're thinking about them on Valentine's Day. Surprise the gal in your life with something like an edible fruit bouquet or floral delivery on Valentine's Day. On a budget and want to save some dough (since florists have no problem charging a Valentine's Day premium)? Head to a florist or the grocery store, select an arrangement yourself and drop it off during lunch. For the guys? Call a local florist or gift basket company and have then create a Man Basket! Beer, sports magazines, snacks for the game - whatever you think your guy will like. And again - to save some delivery dough, build a basket yourself and sneak it by his receptionist at lunchtime! Weekend holiday? No sweat and even better. Entice a friend to make a delivery for you.

Silly e-Cards
Have a quirky sense of humor? Sites like Someecards let you customize your own cards and send them for free! Remember - it's always best to send an e-card to your lover's personal email account instead of their work address. Worried they'll miss it? Drop them an email at their work address to check their personal account. You'll keep yourself and your personal life out of the workplace as well as private giggles private.

Dinner and a Non-Movie
It's easy to find a restaurant in your local area that's having a Valentine's Day special. Once you find one you like, be sure to make reservations as they tend to fill-up fast. An idea - take an earlier dinner reservation (like 6pm) and add a non-movie event after! A stroll in the park, a ride in a horse-drawn carriage, a view from the rooftop of a building, a trip to the museum or even a cup of coffee at the coffee shop where you had your first date. Make a lighthearted evening out of it.

The Scavenger Hunt
If your lover has a thirst for adventure, why not plan a day-long scavenger hunt? Hide little notes and clues around the house, in her purse, sent via text message or email and keep the interest alive all day long! End the day's hunt by having them meet you somewhere special - special to the TWO of you - and celebrate with a bottle of champagne under the stars or a delicious dinner at your favorite restaurant. As an added coup, why not have your waiter bring over the final clue - a gift or special card for your lover.

The Traveler
On the road this Valentine's Day? Don't fret! While there's nothing like snuggling-up with the one you love, you can conjure-up some pretty decent alternatives. Try putting together an online photo album of pictures of the two of you and send them a link. You can even get creative and enlist the help of mutual friends: arrange for various friends to drop by your lover's house throughout the day in your absence, each bearing a different card or little gift.

Remember: not everyone like flowers or elaborate romantic gestures (and some people are quite the opposite!). You know your partner better than anyone - above any material things you could give as a gift, the most important gift you can give is letting them know they hold a special place in your heart and that you value them for who they are.