Relationships

Usually, I like to talk about sending the wrong message in our online profiles. Today, however, I'd like to talk about sending the wrong message in person. I'm not talking about what you do on a date; I mean the literal equivalent of the online profile: the first impression.

The first impression is difficult to remember when you're out and about in everyday errands. Unlike the online profile, where you can toil away until it's word-perfect, or the weekend prowl, where you can ensure you look your best, finding a date is typically the last thing on your mind when you're going to the grocery store or the post office.

I'm not even talking about clothes and makeup. Despite what some makeover shows like to preach, no one really expects a catwalk-ready group of men and women at the grocery store. Heck, there are some days when I'm lucky I remember to check that my hair is combed before I set out to do the weekly shopping. No, what I'm talking about has more to do with how we carry ourselves, the expressions on our faces.

Imagine two women. Both are comparably attractive. One is very well put-together, sleek and sophisticated. The other... her hair is thrown into a sloppy ponytail and she clearly stuffed her feet into whatever shoes she had on-hand. However, the disheveled girl looks like she's actually enjoying her shopping, and when she becomes aware that she's being checked out, she glances over and gives a sunny smile. The sophisticated woman has her lips set in a permanent sour purse, and when she feels someone looking at her, she quickly snaps her head in the opposite direction and stalks off. Now, which woman would you be more interested in for a date? Or even as a potential friend?

It's quite possible that the sophisticated woman is not as cold as she seems. Maybe that's the look she gets when she's thinking about something else. Maybe she's had a rough day. But maybe it's just a bad habit that her face has settled into – one that can be broken.

So next time you're out doing mundane tasks, think about the nonverbal messages you're sending. Are you curt, or friendly? Do you cut off any attempts at conversation? Are you the master of answering a question in three words or less? Are you hunched over and brooding? These messages can be much more important than what clothes you're wearing – or, if you're lucky, even whether your hair is combed.

"I'd never date someone who ___________!"

What do you fill into that blank? Here are some examples of dealbreakers that I've encountered in my time as an online dating coach. My clients (and others I've read about in the many dating blogs I read daily) have said these are their dealbreakers:

• taller/shorter
• older/younger
• divorced
• separated
• had kids
• wanted kids / didn't want kids
• smoked
• drank more than once a month
• overweight
• didn't have a good relationship with their family
• didn't go to college
• didn't finish college
• was way more/less formally educated
• Republican / Democrat / Libertarian
• didn't share religious faith / had no religious faith / was too religious
• had poor grammar or spelling skills
• was bad on the phone
• was awkward on a first date

...and the list could go on and on and on.

Lists like these are fine when you're in your 20s and the pool of available singles is teeming with potential mates. But as you get to that age where all of your friends are getting married and popping out babies and buying houses (and I know it well because I just turned 30 this year and it's exactly where I am - my Facebook news feed is full of other people's wedding, new house, and baby pics!), well... when you get to be in that zone, your pickins start to get slimmer.

That's when you have to start thinking hard about which dealbreakers are actually really important to your core values. For example, when I was dating in my 20s, I would not date a guy who had previously been married. In my head, I thought I wanted to be "THE ONE" for the guy I married, not "The Second One." Nowadays, I realize that isn't a big deal and if I were single I'd be open to dating a guy who was divorced.

Education was also a big thing for me - I wanted to date a guy who was nerdy, geeky, book smart. Someone with at least a B.A./B.S. Then I met my current boyfriend, who is very smart, but due to some family crises, was unable to finish his B.A. until he was in his late 20s. Now I'm realizing that old dealbreaker was pretty stupid.

There are dealbreakers I do keep. For example, my religious views do not mesh with certain other religious views. Same for political (although I mostly keep out of politics, there are some political issues that rile me up). I'm also childfree and while I'd be open to dating someone who had a child, I'm more comfortable dating someone who share my lifestyle.

Take a long, hard look at your dealbreakers - especially if you're 30+, especially if you've been striking out with online dating. I'll write another post on how to slowly stretch your boundaries so you don't feel overwhelmed. Be open to new things and you'll never know who you might meet!

I know it's only the end of February, but change is coming. I can feel it. The days are getting longer, the sun seems a little brighter. I'm finding myself restless more often, staring out the window. Spring is on the way.

Depending on what magazines you read, spring fever might be on the way as well. The claim is that people become more amorous, that every act down to a handshake is sexually charged. Right now, some magazines claim, is your best chance for a hookup.

So does spring fever actually exist? Is it truly a biological phenomenon? Well, maybe not. Some studies have shown that couples who keep sex diaries actually have less sex in the spring – fall's the big season, apparently. But just because we aren't driven like the birds and the bunnies doesn't mean we don't feel the psychological effects of spring.

Maybe it's purely suggestion or psychological, but I know I've got plenty of anecdotal evidence that suggests that we view spring as a time of fresh starts, cleaning out the cobwebs of our houses and our pasts. We've been hunkered down and bundled up for months, and spring is the time when we can shed our clothes and feel the sunshine on our skin; much of spring is sensual, if not sexual. Flowers bloom, and the world is, literally, a brighter place.

So maybe we don't have a biological impulse to throw ourselves on the next available mate. That doesn't matter; spring is a time of new beginnings, new adventures, vivid colors. It may only be psychological, but if our hearts and our minds are open, that's really all that matters. So as spring arrives in your town, be assertive. Get out in the sun, throw a Frisbee, send an email, and best of luck in your own new beginning.

Online dating sites are growing in popularity. Just think back to the days where (if you're old enough) AOL chat rooms were the latest and greatest place to meet new people! Today, online dating is an industry that's grown from $329 million in 2006 to projected revenues of $932 million in 2011 (according to Jupiter Research). That's a lot of hearts churning out a lot of dough to these online dating sites.

So if you're out there looking for love, how do you know if you're spending your dollars wisely? After all, you don't want to just throw dollars willy-nilly into the already rich online dating pool. With so much variance in online dating sites, it's hard to tell up-front which ones might best suit your needs. However, if you go into your search with a key list of questions to help guide you, we'll bet that you can sort the list of offerings in no time at all!

Your Goals
If you're just getting into online dating and not so sure you're looking for forever, you may want to try a free trial period with a paid online dating site or one of the free online dating sites. There's no shame in wanting to try before you buy. This is also a good way to get to know a site's interface and whether the way it works will ultimately float your boat.

No Mr. or Miss "Right Nows"
When you're ready to take that next step in your life and find a lasting partner, you may prefer more serious online dating sites like eHarmony, Chemistry.com or PerfectMatch. Designed more as "matchmaking" sites than dating sites, they are designed to provide you with significant in-depth information about your matches and make recommendations for you from their database. The registration process on these sites generally involves a questionnaire that will take anywhere from one to two hours to complete, so it's a win for the committed - a loss for the casual dater.

On the Go or No Go?
If you're in search of an online dating site that you can access on-the-go, you may want to try to find one with a mobile application like Match.com. Otherwise, if you have email access on your phone, I recommend setting-up a dedicated email account to handle your messages from online dating sites. This not only keeps you from ignoring you entire day while you respond to inquiries landing in your primary email - it also prevents the inadvertent sharing of information if you mistakenly reply directly from your email address to a message!

Funds for Fun
Not everyone has the budget to spend $50+ per month on an online dating site. Rates are easy to find - simply visit a site's "pricing" or "membership options" page. There are generally discounts passed along if you pay for more than one month in advance. The steepest discounts are on 6-month and annual memberships. And if you ever want to cancel, be sure to pay attention to your billing date! Online dating sites are merciless with refunds and if you're not careful, you can end up paying for the site long after you've found your love.

Messaging Options - Talk to Me!
Every online dating site has a different messaging option and you'll have to figure what's best for your communication style. While most all have built-in messaging platforms that prevent you from having to share an email address before you're ready, many others also have live chat and other notifications like "winks" and "flirts." Remember - never share personal information like addresses and places of employment prior to actually meeting someone and even then, exercise caution. Online dating sites have built their messaging platforms to protect you and your privacy.

A weird thing recently happened to one of my best friends. I warn you, this is going to sound like some cheesy plot from a movie – and usually I try to stay away from fairy-tales. Still, this has something I think we can all learn from, so please bear with me.

My friend was very frustrated with her love life. She'd dated guys from all over, with mixed results, but no real winners. Once she decided to try online dating, a few years back. She became enamored with one guy, and he turned out to be a jerk in person.

She declared she was done with online dating forever. None of my cajoling, or logical arguments that she'd dated jerks before and that didn't put her off from meeting in person forever, seemed to have an effect. Meanwhile, she became increasingly negative about meeting the “right guy” and relationships in general.

Until a few months ago. I don't know exactly what went on in her head to change her mind, but abruptly she decided to take charge, of her life and this whole relationship thing. Instead of waiting for Prince Charming to come find her, she was going to put herself out there and find him. That included online dating; she even asked me to help proofread her profile.

Rarely had I ever seen her so confident, assertive and pro-active. It agreed with her, really. And apparently someone else thought so too – because the night that I toiled over her profile, she went out with friends, and a really nice guy approached her. They went out on a date shortly after.

At first I was a little miffed that the online profile would go to waste, but it's been a few months, and they're still going strong. And then I realized: maybe the profile served a purpose after all. My friend didn't change herself physically; she didn't change her core personality, but her attitude about dating certainly changed through the profile-writing process. She decided she didn't want to wait for a guy to find her, and that very attitude made her more attractive. And so far, she's reaped the benefits.

Maybe we could all learn a lesson from her. Being pro-active is almost always positive. If that guy hadn't approached my friend, she would have been okay, and she would have approached someone else. When you're confident, and assertive, situations become increasingly win-win. Try taking charge of your own life, and see if the benefits don't show in almost every facet.

Many men quickly get frustrated with the traditional American Dating sites. We all know, and have experienced the intense competition for desirable, talented, and intelligent women. Have you considered the foreign themed sites? What are some of the benefits and risks of these sites?

We have all seen the movie scenes. A successful American businessman travels to Europe and meets an exotic and beautiful foreign woman. This exhilarating experience is still the dream of many. With the epidemic of obesity in both sexes, we have all observed that the competition is brutal for any potential mate that is anywhere near a normal weight. This is a fact, and the problem has been made worse by the image that Hollywood and the media have given us. Movies and television programs display beautiful men and women with perfect features and proportions and at their ideal weight.
One way to increase your odds of getting that ideal looking woman is to look on the foreign themed sites. If you decide to go this route, however, there are a few things that you need to understand.
In general, the days are long gone where American men can easily date Western-European woman. This is primarily a function of greatly differing lifestyles and work habits. The average person in the United States has only 2 weeks off for vacation per year and just a few holidays. Let’s contrast this with life in the European Union. In Europe, the average worker has a month vacation in the summer, 2 to 3 weeks off for Christmas, a week off for Easter, unlimited and no-fault sick leave, and about 15 national holidays. Add on to this a 30 to 35-hour working week and I think you can see the problems.
Because of our hectic pace, Americans tend to “schedule” activities. For example, it is usual for us to say, “Let’s meet for coffee at Starbucks at 6 PM.” Normally, by 7PM, we are looking to be on our way. In Europe, in contrast, the couple will sit for hours and hours talking and chatting away the time. Because they have almost 2 months off in a year, time is not critical. A person with only 2 weeks off in a year will not be so generous with his or her time and has a lot of personal business to do on that free Saturday.

What is the solution to this problem?

One solution if you are interested in foreign woman, is to consider those from Eastern European nations. You will find that many of these women are still trying to pull themselves and their families up by their bootstraps, and will be highly motivated to have a relationship with you. From the beginning, they will want to be sure that you are “serious” but that is not a serious problem to overcome. Just be polite, do not confess love in the first emails, and take some time to get to know them. In addition, if you display some interest in their culture and language, you will have scored valuable points, and you will be on you way to a wonderful, and life enriching experience.

As we see many of the same people on the traditional dating websites, the foreign themed websites may offer an interesting opportunity to some. Just be careful and practice a few safeguards such as never sending money before you meet, take the relationship slowly, ensure that you webcam each other to match the face with the profile, and keep the age difference in the same decade. With a few of these suggestions, you can open up your world in ways you never thought possible.

Just think about it. Perhaps 6 months from now you will be in that café in Europe with that beautiful French woman of your dreams, sipping wine and enjoying the sites!

Good Luck.