Relationships

I recently saw an interview on TV with pop pioneer Cyndi Lauper. She was asked what advice she would give to young aspiring musicians. Essentially, her advice was to figure out who you are, and what you want to be. Once you have a firm vision and are comfortable with yourself, she said, the rest would be easier.

Not bad advice for the music world, or really, life in general. However, I think this applies particularly well as we attack the dating world. Dating can be hard; just like the music industry, some rejection is commonplace and to be expected, and there's a large pool of competitors. Every skill that we gain can be valuable in setting us apart from the crowd.

And perhaps the best skill to have is self-confidence. Not only does self-confidence have positive effects on our own mental state, it's also attractive to others. No human being is without flaws, either physical or psychological; however, those who are accepting of their flaws and accentuate their strong aspects only draw attention to the positive.

Unfortunately, sometimes having self-confidence is easier said than done. For many, one of the most difficult skills to acquire. However, this is where the second part of Cyndi's advice comes in: figure out what you want to be. Self-confidence doesn't have to arrive as an entire package; identify the positives in your life, and then work on what you can change. Maybe you're working on quelling your fears at trying something new; the very knowledge that you're working on a problem can make you stand taller, even if you're not quite where you want to be yet.

Once you're more comfortable with who you are, both good and bad, it's easier to present yourself with confidence to anyone else, whether it's a job interview or a first date. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world can to learn to like yourself – but once you do, it's easier for everyone else.

In online dating, there's a certain situation we hear about all the time: a couple checks out each other's profile, and they're both happy with what they see. Soon they're exchanging emails, and things are going swimmingly. After emailing for awhile, they finally decide to meet – and in person, things fall flat. Maybe one or both of them don't look exactly like their photo, but even more than that, they just didn't have that chemistry in person. Great match on paper, but not a spark to be found in the real world.

We're so accepting of that scenario, but does it ever occur to us that chemistry works both ways? That maybe someone who doesn't make us swoon in a single photo could cause heart palpitations in person?

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard the phrase, “Yeah, looks like a great match based on his profile... but physically he's not my type,” or “She seems really cool, but maybe as a friend. I don't usually like curvy girls.” Not only are those people limiting themselves because they won't step out of their box, but honestly, even the best “matches” on paper are around 50/50 until you see if things work in person. Why are we so willing to place all our faith in a photo, when we know the picture doesn't tell the whole story?

Additionally, some people just aren't photogenic. I know this, because I'm one of them. Sure, I know what I need to do to produce the best picture I can, but usually a random picture of me will literally make other people laugh, because it almost looks like I purposely made myself look as bad as possible (nope, that's just me and a camera). Conversely, I have a male friend who is pleasant-looking, but not particularly amazing – until you take his picture, which invariably comes out looking like a GQ shoot. Some people have it; I don't. Luckily, it hasn't hindered me too much thus far, but I know all too well that sometimes a picture isn't an accurate representation.

In general, we rely mostly on our eyes – think of the phrase, “I'll believe it when I see it.” But as we know, a relationship is based on more than a good photo. Next time you see someone who looks great on paper but isn't quite for you, take a second look, maybe send an email. Cameras can be tricky, and so can chemistry.

A British wedding website conducted a survey of 4,000 couples. On the survey the couples had to indicate the levels of happiness during the different stages of their marriage. From the results researchers pinpointed the happiest day at 2 years, 11 months and 8 days after the marriage. During this time, British couples had the most sex, best social life, vacations and romantic meals. This is also the time when the couples have the longest heart to heart conversations and when wives receive the most compliments.

Here are a few things that the researchers found which led to those happy marriages:

• Spend 24 minutes having a heart to heart a day.
• Allow for 75 minutes of alone time a day.
• Never go to bed with an argument unresolved.
• 5 cuddles a day and say "I Love You." at least once.
• Spend 3 nights a week curled up on the sofa together.
• 4 phone calls / emails / text messages a day.

For some people, making an online profile is extremely difficult. They aren't giddy with anticipation; they aren't doing it for a lark. Some of them are frustrated with the dating scene; some view online dating as a last resort. A few are painfully shy. And some don't even believe online dating will work for them, so they're going through the motions to placate a friend or family member.

As one might imagine, the profiles for these people don't tend to be the best. The self-consciousness, the bitterness, the scorn creeps through in subtle and unexpected ways. If you're a person for whom constructing an online profile is difficult, there are a few things to remember that can help curb the negativity.

First and foremost, it's important to remember that you can take advantage of the fact that profiles are not done in real-time. In essence, it should read like someone who's meeting you on a good day. If you feel foggy-headed from a cold, or you're grumpy from a bad day at work, you can finish it on another day before you submit it.

On a deeper level, sometimes people create profiles when they're going through hard times in their lives: the death of a loved one, a job loss, a messy divorce. It's hard, at those times, to even feel normal, feel like yourself. In these instances, try to think about who you are at your core, not how you feel currently.

So let's say you attempt to take these points into consideration and construct a positive profile, but later, emails or friends clue you in to the fact that maybe you're still sending a wrong message. A fantastic benefit of online dating is that the profiles can be edited at any time. Don't feel like your profile should be set in stone after you finish it; quite the opposite, in fact. Feel free to tweak and modify, not only to keep it fresh, but also as you become more comfortable with online dating. Even if you weren't thrilled about the process to begin with, eventually you'll be hitting all the right notes.

When you connect with someone in the online dating space, it's tempting to keep that connection in a virtual place for quite some time. Longer than necessary, in fact. I'm here to make the case for the speedy first date, as none of us are getting any younger and there's no real time to lose. If schedules align and desire exists, put those car keys in the ignition and get thee to a coffee shop - you're going on a date!

Take it Offline

I write for a living. Day in, day, out. While most people do not, this gives me added insight. I don't want to relegate to email or phone any potential relationship longer than is necessary. See, you can edit emails. You can mute phones. You don't have to respond to facial expressions in either scenario. This makes for...well, a pretty artificial way to begin a potential relationship. Sure - emails and phone calls serve to break the ice and let you know if you might "click" with your new match in-person, but get in one another's faces as soon as you can. That's human and where the magic really happens.

Ships Passing...Make them Collide

Ever connect with someone online who can't ever seen to make their schedule jive with yours? I call it the Interminable Conflict. Here's the bottom line: if you're really interested in someone, you'll make the time to meet. If all you can come up with are excuses, then they're probably not too far up your food chain. Pushing for the initial meeting sooner rather than later lets you know if someone might be wasting your time in the long haul.

I'm Busy

Here's the scoop - if an online match is too busy before you even meet to meet you or respond in a timely manner to your emails or phone calls, what would he or she be like in a relationship? Tons of people travel for business or have regular events throughout the week. No one is too busy to make time and if they are, it's better to call them on it now and silently move on. Unlike "ships passing," it's better to leave these folks to their excuses and not push for the meeting. How fun is it to sit down with a clock-watcher? If you meet someone with itchy pants, take a line from The Redhead: "It seems like you'd rather be somewhere else. I can help you with that. We can call it an afternoon/a night. I'll get the check."

7,152 members over 12 hours participated in a poll at Smooch.com which looked at infidelity. On average 35 percent of participants said they had been unfaithful to a partner at some point in their life. When you split the results by gender, men came out much worse at 41 percent while women were at 29 percent.

It was also found that as men age; there is an increased chance of them being unfaithful. Men aged 18-24 averaged 31 percent of who have cheated on their partners, while men over the age of 60 were at 44 percent. Men who are more educated also on average cheat more. Over half the participants, 54 percent, who have a masters degree have been unfaithful. Men with no formal education came in at 30 percent.

As matter fact, the more attractive a man is the more likely he will cheat:

• 47 percent of athletic men
• 65 percent of men with high salaries.
• 43 percent of men over 6 feet.

Drinkers are also more likely to cheat at 49 percent and surprisingly 85 percent of men with full beards admitted to being unfaithful to a partner at some point in their life.

For more on the story read Response Resource.