Relationships

When you're single, it's easy to be critical of the relationships around you. How many times have you been at a wedding and heard the mutterings of “I'll give them five years”? (No one, I'm the only one acquainted with such terrible people? Great.) It's easy to look at a couple, shake your head and say, “I have no idea why they're together.” Much harder is observing a couple and noting what they're doing right. However, it's that very skill that could be vital to our own future relationships.

How do we know how to behave in long-term relationships? How do we know what's “normal” or acceptable? How do we gain the skills to navigate something like a marriage? Well, a major part of it is observing other long-term relationships: our parents, our grandparents, our siblings.

Here's the thing, though: we don't all have elders that have successful marriages. In fact, it's equally as likely that we don't. So if we can't look to our parents for a good example of a long-term relationship, what do we do?

We pay attention to the relationships around us that do seem to be working, and we take note of what makes them tick.

Sometimes we get unfortunate surprises – that couple that seemed just picture-perfect turns out to have a toxic relationship under the surface, or there are compromises made that are just too extreme for you. Just as frequent, however, are the interesting insights – that fighting can be okay if it's really just communication at top-volume. Longevity is certainly a helpful barometer for identifying a successful relationship, but it's not the only one; we've all heard of unhappy marriages that last for decades, and some of the same lessons can be learned from a couple that's been together for six months or sixty years.

The key here is not to dwell on the relationships around you that are negative, but to focus on the successful ones. Not only could it potentially teach you a few lessons, it just might leave you feeling more positive about relationships in general. Best of all, it could help you identify a truly great opportunity if – and when – it presents itself.

Ever wonder why no one is looking at your online dating profile? In the world of e-dating, there are thousands of people from which to choose in your local area. You're a great catch, you're ready to meet someone - but why aren't they clicking? We've put together the top three reasons why you might not be attracting the online attention you think you deserve. Have a read and see if any of these reasons hit home.

Reason #1: No Photo
If you're concerned about privacy or afraid that your co-workers and friends will see you in the midst of your looking for love, maybe you opted to not post a photo. This is one of the prime reasons your profile isn't getting any clicks and likely no messages. People are attracted to people - how they look, first and foremost. All of the other stuff in your profile can make for an interesting person, but you really can't blame people for not clicking through a profile with no photo. If you post a photo, you're going to see the clicks on your profile increase. Need help in selecting one? Ask a friend. Don't have a recent photo? No excuse. Ask a friend, grab a digital camera and get some shots of your mug!

Reason #2: Incomplete Profile
Maybe you've gone the extra step and uploaded a photo. But did you neglect to fill-out the entire online questionnaire for your dating profile? Online dating sites put a lot of thought (and user feedback) into the questions they ask you to answer. If you're not doing your part in filling out your profile, you can't blame your fellow online daters for skipping over your profile. It makes it look as if you're not invested in the process. Set aside an afternoon or an evening and pretend you're IM'ing or chatting with a date and THEY'RE the ones who want you to answer these questions. Be open and honest. Don't sugar coat (but don't be a jerk). Treat the online dating profile questionnaire like a conversation with the date of your dreams. When you invest yourself in the process, it comes across to the people reading it on the other end. And just think - the more complete you are, the better opportunity you have for finding an ideal match. After all, if you fail to mention you have three wonderful children, how much time could you potentially waste by meeting-up with people who don't like kids? That's not fair to you - or them.

Reason #3: Your Activity Level
No, we don't mean how many miles you run on any given day. We mean the last time you logged in to the online dating website. Many sites like Match.com give users the ability to search for matches based on most recent activity or when their last login was. If you're only popping into the site once a week, you're doing yourself a disservice. Granted, it's easy to avoid the actual online interface of most dating sites since you can get your messages and notifications via email. But do yourself a favor: pop into the online dating site of your choice every day or two and if nothing else, purge your inbox or run a search. It takes two minutes and it puts you back up at the top of the pile when users choose to search by activity level. It's likely something you never thought to consider if you noticed your profile isn't getting clicks or emails, but try it if you've been playing hooking from the website. It just might work!

Get your spring dating routine into full bloom! The weather is finally looking up, the snow is melting and the time is right for you and that special someone to kick down the front door, put the top down and head outside. We've got some essential ideas for spring dating sure to put a smile on your face as the days get a little bit longer and the sun shines a bit brighter each and every day.

Cruise the Mountains or Beach
More sun and blue skies mean it's the perfect time to hop in the car and head for the coast or hills. Plan a mid-day trip so you take advantage of the warmest part of the day and pack a lunch or plan a stop along the way for snacks. There's plenty of opportunity to dip your toes in the sand even if the water is too cold and breathe the crisp mountain air before the scorching summer comes along.

Get Parked!
Your local park is the ideal spring dating destination - it's convenient AND free! Whether you're up for a game of Frisbee or catch or simply want to plant yourselves on a blanket and take in the sun, we're betting there's a park near you that can offer you a wonderful afternoon of recreation and relaxation - whatever suits your fancy.

Smell the Roses
Most major cities have a botanical garden and spring is definitely the right time to catch all of the flowers in bloom. Plan an afternoon and schedule a leisurely stroll through one of these wonders of nature in your area. Many have educational programs, how-to classes and seminars that can not only add to the richness of your day but allow you and your special someone to explore something new together in the great outdoors.

I'm always telling my clients that at least one of their online dating profile photos should be of them engaged in their favorite pastimes. If you hike, you should include a picture of you hiking. If you swim, it's one of the best excuses to show yourself in a bathing suit. If you train dogs, upload a picture of you with your favorite pups.

A tweet I read from another online dating expert last week totally confirmed everything I say to my clients. But I'll tell you about it in a minute... here are some basic reasons why you should include activity pictures:

• Doing so makes you appear more human
• Posed shots can look unnatural and uncomfortable (not a good vibe!)
• You give people conversation starters that your profile text may not

Julie Spira, also known as the Cyber Dating Expert, tweeted the following testimonial to the power of the activity photo:

Cyberdating Tip: Ladies, if you play golf, add a photo to your online dating profile. My latest client has been on 4 golf dates this week

FOUR GOLF DATES IN A WEEK. How awesome is that? The photo of her golfing gave men an instant way to connect with her and a very low pressure, fun first date that is out in public (and in the fresh air).

This works for other activities as well! What are you going to be up to this Spring and Summer? Post photos of yourself doing these activities and an invitation at the end of your profile text. You'll be surprised at how many people will take you up on your offer!

A friend of mine, “Henry,” has been having trouble finding a lasting relationship. By all outward appearances, he's got it easier than some; he doesn't have too much trouble getting women to respond to his emails or invitations for dates. But when he goes on dates, or tries to have relationships with these women, they always go wrong.

“When you're in so many relationships and they always turn out badly,” he said to me, “you start figuring that the problem is me rather than all those women.”

Well, maybe. But maybe the problem isn't really him, or the women – it's the combination of him and the women. In short, I began to think that Henry's problem was that the women he was attracted to were not the women he was compatible with in the long run.

We began by talking about what Henry looked for when he perused online profiles. “Someone interesting,” he said promptly. “Someone who isn't a wallflower, someone who isn't clingy, someone independent. Someone fun.” Of course, the easiest way for Henry to decide who these people are is to find women who use those adjectives to describe themselves. And how did it turn out for Henry?

“Well, I always seem to wind up with the party girls,” he said. “It's great to have fun, I like to have fun too... but does she always have to be the life of the party? Does she always have to stay until closing? And when I said I wanted 'independent,' I meant someone who's not afraid to speak her mind, not someone who gets numbers from other guys right in front of me!”

We began to look at the profiles of some of the women he'd dated. Now, I could tell just by the pictures that these were wild women – and apparently, that's the sort of person Henry is inherently drawn to. Since wild wasn't really working for Henry, I directed his attention to another type of girl – one he found pretty, but previously had dismissed as “boring.” It wasn't easy, getting Henry to think outside the box – but once he did, he's discovering that finding the best match for him is more important and fulfilling than generic buzzwords and tight clothes.

That's not to say there's anything wrong with being wild; it simply wasn't for Henry, even though he thought it was. As you embark on your searches, consider: are you attracted to your best match, or might it be worth trying something outside the box?

A long time ago, in a world with few computers and very little Internet, people who had trouble meeting others might take out a personals ad. If someone answered the ad, they might meet up for a date, sight unseen. Even today, if someone were to meet randomly, in a grocery store or out at a bar, they might exchange phone numbers, which theoretically could lead to a date with a virtual stranger.

In the world of online dating, the etiquette is, surprisingly, a little different. For a medium that prides itself on cutting out the wasted time of hanging out at a bar or pursuing uninterested individuals, there's actually typically a little extra time spent emailing before a first meeting. Sure, there are people who still meet right away, though dating sites or using online personals, but in general, a first-contact email through an online dating site should not include an invitation out for drinks.

There are a few potential reasons for this difference. One could be that those who were initially drawn to online dating were early adapters of all things Internet, and they were some of the first for whom emailing became a part of daily life – and thus an acceptable substitute for in-person interaction.

Another possible reason could be that the etiquette of a few emails before a first date reflects society's wariness of online dating in general – we've developed a few extra safeguards to reassure ourselves. Or perhaps it's the wave of dating future – with so many people on this planet we feel we need to take our time before placing ourselves bodily anywhere, and email, texting and social sites have become the norm.

Whatever the reasons, it is true that finding a match online is slightly different than finding a date in the real world. So if you're sending out a first-contact email proposing a date and you're not sure why you're getting the cold shoulder, that could be your answer. Don't think of a first email as asking someone on a date; think of it as bumping into them and saying hi. Then, if things are going well after a few emails, you might consider meeting up. It might not be as fast as simply asking out a pretty face, but hopefully it has more potential for success.