Relationships

I recently helped a friend choose the default picture for his online dating profile. It wasn't all that hard, really; while some pictures instantly gave me warm fuzzies, others gave me the chills. After awhile, I began to analyze my gut instinct. What, exactly, separated a good picture from a dud?

Well, for possibly the first time, smiling was not an issue. This guy just doesn't smile much, if ever (I'm working on him, though, and he will smile in a picture someday, I assure you). However, that doesn't mean he had the same expression in every picture. Even if his mouth was in the exact same position, there were pictures where he was smiling more with his eyes and the rest of his face – and really, the difference between a picture where he's smiling with his eyes, and one where he's not, is startling.

So what can we take from this? Simply, looking pleasant makes a big difference. Even if you're self-conscious about your actual smile, try to use pictures that were taken when you were in a good mood. The difference is noticeable, I promise.

But smiling with the eyes wasn't the only factor in play here. At first, I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks: the major factor in whether a picture was creepy or reassuring was his pose. You see, he had a tendency to look at the camera right on. I'm talking completely squared to the lens, almost confrontational. It was intense, to say the least, and those pictures bore more than a little resemblance to a mug shot.

So what does this mean as we choose our own pictures? Well, while they should be clear shots of your face, you don't want to look like you're going to come crawling out of the monitor. Maybe it's a subconscious primal instinct, like when they tell you not to look dogs directly in the face. Regardless, make sure your intensity is not turned up to eleven.

It also looks slightly less posed when you're angled a bit away. Think of yourself in a social setting, having a conversation with friends. Are you always positioned squarely in front of the person you're chatting with? A picture that's angled just slightly feels candid, more comfortable. And with an angled picture, you can experiment to see if you actually have a “good side.” Sometimes the results can be shocking.

Ultimately, the key to a good picture is that it's inviting, and the best way to create that is to have a good time when the picture is taken. A straight-on photo with a great, genuine smile is better than a posed, self-conscious, angled picture – it's all in the sincerity of the subject.

It's no surprise that it's a good idea to be positive on your online dating profile. We all say it, all the time. Cut the negative! It's like a snippet of meeting you on a good day, not a bad one!

What we forget to say is that it's even better if your positive attitudes are reflected in person.

I'm not talking about a first date, or even a meeting with a potential date. I'm talking about those random days when you're talking to the elderly lady you know at the grocery store and she asks you about your love life. Or your neighbors. Or your co-workers.

Why bother? Well, there's a few different reasons. First and foremost, why not? If you can remember to think positively and can pull yourself into a good mood, why not do so? You'll feel better, and others will like being around you.

Secondly, you never know who might be thinking of you. That elderly lady in the grocery store might have someone in mind that she's thinking of suggesting – but after listening to whining for ten minutes about the lack of prospects and why everyone must have something wrong with them, she's changed her mind. In a way, it's similar to networking – being pleasant to everyone can have positive, if indirect, results.

And finally, there are some people who simply need to develop better habits. They've gotten themselves stuck in an endless negative rut, and they simply need to form the habit of positive thinking to break the cycle. Pasting on a smile might feel fake at first, and so might saying good things about yourself. Eventually, however, the smiling becomes second nature, and the positive statements pay off. People want to be around that happy, smiling you. And people you don't know might want to meet you.

While it's important to make a positive first impression on your dating profile, it's equally important to do so in person. Why wait for a first date to try it out?

The world of online dating has opened doors for many. However, from time to time I meet people whose expectations of online dating sites are on a whole new level.

There's the guy who expects to meet women, but refuses to email any, because he's heard women can get away without doing any work so he should too. It's silly, but sadly not entirely uncommon. These types of people apparently want websites to do the wooing.

However, I can top that: I recently met a woman who expected her online dating site to do the thinking. You see, she had met a man from a website that prides itself on its high caliber of singles. Well, high-caliber he may have been; single he was not. He cheerfully filled her in on the first date.

She was outraged – not just at the unfaithful married man, but at the online dating website that had brought the two together. Apparently, the site should have – what? Performed a background check? Done follow-up surveillance to make sure he matched his picture as well? I'm not sure exactly what she was looking for, and I doubt she really knew either.

An online dating site is merely a tool to meet new people. It's a supplement to dating; it doesn't do the dating for you. Just as in the world, someone has to say hello to get the ball rolling. And just as in the real world, sometimes people aren't as perfect as they might appear at first glance. That's where the discernment comes in, the trial period where two people figure out if they're really right for each other. Even if someone is less than honest on a profile, hopefully all truths will out in this trial period before real life decisions are made. Such a trial period is highly recommended by most in successful relationships. It's called dating.

One of the hardest things about online dating is creating a great online profile. There are so many things to consider, especially which photos to use to show off your best self.

Following are some tips on what you should avoid when going through photos and deciding which ones to post. Event though you might be proud of a certain shot, potential dates might not feel the same!

Photos of yourself surrounded by women/ men. Sure, you may have a lot of friends, but singles looking at your profile would rather see you. Save the group shots for Facebook.

Photos with an ex removed. It's pretty obvious when you've deleted a significant other out of a picture. Even if you feel you look good, the bit of hair on your shoulder gives you away, so leave it out.

Photos of you without a shirt. Yes, I'm talking to the guys. Even if you've worked hard on the six-pack, we don't want to see it all out there in your profile. Save it for when things progress.

Photos in your hat and/or sunglasses. If we can't see what you really look like, how do we know we want to date you? Instead of trying to be cool, fashionable, or hide the fact that your hair is starting to thin, be yourself. We will see the real you on dates anyway.

Old photos. We all are familiar with how disappointing it can be when someone doesn't look like the picture they posted. We don't want to see what you looked like 5 or 10 years ago. If you don't have any recent shots, then ask a friend to take some.

Photos of you drinking. Okay, it's great that you like to have fun, but if your photos consist of you in bars drinking, it's not a good way to introduce yourself to potential significant others. It screams "don't take me seriously", and you will attract those men and women looking only for a hook-up.

Social networking sites are fast becoming the most popular way to keep in touch with others, including our significant others. We check updates, exchange photos, and leave messages on what seems to be a constant basis.

But sometimes, our addiction to social networking can wreak havoc on a relationship. Jealousy and misunderstanding stem from angry wall posts, status updates, and even photos. If you find yourself checking on your significant other several times a day to make sure he doesn't post anything objectionable or questionable on his Twitter or Facebook page, it may be time to consider taking a break.

I'm not suggesting closing your accounts. But there is something to be said for de-friending or un-following a significant other, even if you are still dating him. Social media can play tricks with our emotions if we allow it to guide our relationships.

My first suggestion would be to know yourself and your tendencies. If you are able to refrain and stop checking your significant other's pages several times a day, great. If you are able to have real conversations instead of posting angry messages back and forth, you are in a good position to keep your social networking connection alive.

However, if you find yourself unable to log on without checking his or her latest status updates, or if you find your emotions going up and down depending on whether he tweets you or not, it's time to reassess. Relationships are real life, not virtual. And ideally, you each have your own life and don't need to spend 24/7 with each other, and that includes social networking. Just because it's easily accessible doesn't make it a healthy part of your relationship. So, do yourself and your significant other a favor and if you have to, un-friend and un-follow to get your relationship back on track.

In the end, a relationship's success is all about how you communicate. Try to keep misunderstandings to a minimum by being clear, honest, and talking over the phone or in-person about what's bothering you. Don't leave it to social networking.

First dates can come with a lot of expectations. You want to be attracted to the person you're meeting, and you want to feel attractive. You want things to go smoothly, which puts more pressure on a tense situation because usually, first dates are awkward and uncomfortable.

So, what do you do to feel less nervous and more comfortable in your own skin? Here are some things to try:

Pick a place you are familiar with to meet. Maybe you're considering the new upscale restaurant in your neighborhood to impress your date, but refrain from doing this for a first date if you're nervous. Choose a place that you've been before where you feel comfortable, and preferably a casual place so you don't feel uptight and formal. When you are more relaxed, dates often go more smoothly.

Wear something that is comfortable, but makes you feel confident and sexy. Rather than going out and buying something new that looks trendy for your first date, wear something that you know makes you feel attractive. It's also best to go with what makes you comfortable---the last thing you want to be thinking about on a date is how your shoes or your shoulder straps are hurting you.

Don't feel the need to talk all the time. Women are especially guilty of this. If there is a pause in the conversation, don't try to cover it up by going on about your cat or the people in your office. Also, don't feel the need to constantly ask questions; nobody likes to feel interrogated. It's okay to sit back, relax, and make eye contact rather than small talk.

Don't go overboard on drinking. Sure, we all like to feel relaxed and alcohol does help in these situations, but know your body. Don't drink too fast or try to cover your nervousness by drinking too much. It will be obvious to your date if you're bordering on drunk, and usually a turn-off.

This isn't your job, so take a deep breath and relax. Your work day is hurried, but there is no reason to rush through a date like you're on a mission. A date isn't a job interview or an attempt to land a client---it is supposed to be informal and hopefully fun. Don't bring your business persona; leave that for your boss. Instead, think of your date as meeting a new friend. The potential for romance is there when you relax and be yourself.