Relationships

Using media to improve your online dating experience can be a wonderful experience – especially if you have not yet met your partner or live far away from each other. There are several different ways you can pack more dimensions into online dating and, by doing so, allow you to truly get to know the person with whom you've been chatting.

Why is using media important for online dating? Online dating, in its primitive stages, only involves emails or instant messages in the form of text. Now, text can be absolutely, heart-achingly beautiful, it can reveal thoughts, desires, dreams, and whimsy, and it should be in no way abandoned! Nevertheless, adding other sources of media to the experience can help you engage your partner and decide whether or not it is a good match before you even meet. Here are some examples of how different media can be applied to a budding relationship beyond simple emails and instant messaging:

Phone calls / audio chats. Since many computers, especially laptops, are now built with microphones and many instant messenger services now allow the service, phone chatting is now easier than ever. You can learn a lot from a person's voice and the way they use it: subtle accents, word use, poignant pauses, and nervous tension are all contained in voice-chatting in a way that text cannot really encompass. The added component of voice adds an immediacy to the conversation not available through simple text. Audio chats also allow you an extra security in comparison to cell phones because they don't require you to give out your phone number, a screen name is much more easily disposed, and most services allow you to block users.

Let's be honest, men: dating is hard work, women are confusing, and sometimes you just feel lost. There's a reason dating coaches and pickup companies are more popular now than ever before - it's hard to understand the rules and rituals of dating at any time, but the 21st century has made the dating game more difficult than ever. Even the most capable offline Cassanova can find himself out of his depth when he decides to experiment with online dating.

I'm here to make sure that doesn't happen to you, because you deserve to be a success with women anywhere and anytime you want, including the World Wide Web. To put you on the path towards online dating mastery, I've put together a list of 5 of the most common mistakes I see men making online. Check it out:

Automatic flirting.

If you think clicking a button that says "Wink" or "Smile" is going to make a woman fall for you, think again. Look at it this way: if you spot a woman you're interested in at your favorite bar and you wink at her from across the dancefloor, is she suddenly going to find you so interesting and irresistibly attractive that she can't imagine her life without you? No. If you're lucky, she'll smile at you. If you're like most men, she'll either roll her eyes at you or ignore you completely. Always initiate with a message, never with a universal icebreaker provided by the site.

Failing to keep your cool.

If a woman doesn't respond to your message right away, don't sweat it. Women on dating sites can receive hundreds of emails per day - imagine trying to keep up with that inbox! Harassing women with "It's been two days...why haven't you replied yet?!" messages is definitely not going to win them over. There are many traits that women find attractive in men, but "needy," "obsessive," and "lacking self-esteem" are definitely not on the list.

Sending cut and paste messages.

Every woman is unique, so every message you send should be unique too. I don't care that you spent hours crafting a charming and witty stock email, or that your schedule is packed and you think sending the same message over and over again is time efficient. Reading a woman's profile and sending a message tailored specifically to it will set you apart from the crowd and significantly increase your chances of receiving a response from her.

Being too romantic.

I realize that probably sounds strange, but trust me on this one. Telling a prospective date that you read her profile and you think that she's the most perfect woman on earth and that you're falling in love with her is not romantic - it's creepy and says that you have no social skills.

Giving up too soon.

This is one of the biggest mistakes you'll ever make. Most good things in life take persistence, and dating is no exception. If it's worth having, it's worth working for, so keep trying until you're getting the results you want.

Most people understand the importance of making a positive initial impression when meeting someone in person for the first time - but it amazes me how many people neglect every ancient nugget of wisdom they've heard about first impressions when it comes to online dating. You may not be shaking hands and making nervous eye contact with acquaintances you meet online, but that doesn't mean you're not leaving a make-it-or-break-it impression on your potential suitors.

Men tend to be saddled with a lot of the blame for the problems that plague the dating world - "He didn't have the guts to initiate a conversation!" "He wouldn't stop mentioning his ex!" "He kept bragging about how good he is in bed!" "He just seemed like a loser!" - but ladies, don't think that makes you innocent. You (yes, you!) are responsible too. Five of the biggest mistakes I've noticed women making online are:

Sexy usernames.

If "xxx" appears anywhere in your username, it's got to go. And no matter how sexy you are, the World Wide Web doesn't need to know that you're "h0t_4_U" or a "LustyBustyBaby." Sex sells, but where online dating is concerned, sex is only good at selling sex. Unless that's genuinely all you're looking for, rethink the way you present yourself in your profile.

Excessive punctuation and capitalization.

You might be "rEaLLY eXXXcITeD!!!!!" (see what I did there?) to try online dating for the first time, but there are definitely better ways to express it. This unnecessary assault on future dates' eyes doesn't make them think "Wow, this girl is super upbeat and has a really great outlook on life!" - it makes them think "Wow...this girl annoys me and I haven't even said 'hi' to her yet."

Doctored photos.

You're not deep because your profile photo is in black and white. You're not creative and artsy because you tested every filter that came with your brand new MacBook Pro on all of your pictures. If you've retouched your photos so much that other members can barely tell if you're a man or a woman, they're going to assume that you've got something to hide.

And while we're on the subject of photos...

Duck lips and peace signs.

Stop it. Just stop it.

Trying too hard.

Be funny, be honest, be approachable, and don't over-think your profile. Listing every obscure book you love and every band you listen to that only 8 other people have heard of (5 of whom are actually in the band) doesn't make you sound hip and intelligent, it makes you sound pretentious. Likewise, writing that you've still haven't removed the friendship bracelet your best friend gave you in kindergarten is cute, quirky, and memorable, while writing half of your profile in the language you and your BFF invented in kindergarten is just obnoxious.

Follow these five rules and you might be one of the lucky ladies who finds love online. At the very least, I won't be using your profile as a "Don't!" example in a future article, and that should be reason enough to heed my advice...

Sometimes, there's nothing more intriguing than an office romance. It's fun to send flirty texts and instant messages during the day, and sneak off together at lunch. It can even be inspiring to stay late and work on a project together, instead of meeting your friends for happy hours.

But does the promise of intrigue and romance mean you should date someone at the office?

First, it's best to consider your position compared to the co-worker you're interested in dating. Is this person your boss? If so, it could make things complicated. If you get a promotion or a raise, others might think it's because of your personal relationship. Or if the relationship turns ugly, it could mean losing your job. Also, the company might have a strict policy when it comes to inter-office dating, so make sure you know what it is before you make a move and put your job at risk.

If the person is a subordinate, others might think you're playing favorites when you offer him or her a raise or promotion. Also, you should consider whether you can trust the person, because he could be using you to get ahead.

Another aspect to consider is how important your current job and career are to you. If you would be happy to leave your workplace in case the relationship doesn't work out, then it makes it easier to date someone in the office. However, if you have worked years to achieve a certain position or gain the trust of your co-workers, you have a lot more to lose. If career is more important, it's best to pursue romance outside the office.

You should also consider your proximity to your office beau. If he works in the cubicle or office next to yours and you can hear his conversations, it might be awkward. Do you really want to hear about the other women he's seeing?

The main consideration is, how important is the relationship to you, and how important is your job? Many married couples met each other on the job, so it's a good place for romance to blossom. But it's also a risk, so just be aware from the beginning: know what you want and what you are willing to lose.

I often think of one of the greatest hurtles one faces in the move from an online encounter to a real-time date is the way in which the element of fantasy and imagination are diminished upon meeting. Meeting someone online allows you enough absence to imagine them as your perfect ideal with the added substance of a few key words. We want to imagine that our partner will not only live up to our expectations, but exceed them.

The reality sets in when the date actually occurs and I remember, despite obvious clues, that the person sitting across from me is actually a human being, full of his own flaws, dreams, hopes, fears, and insecurities. A potentially mind-blowing human being, but a human being nonetheless!

Although it's perfectly natural to hope for the best, take things slow to really try and get to know your date before investing all your hopes and dreams. For instance, there was a guy I met through an online dating site some years ago that I really liked. His profile was interesting, fun, and we had similar interests. We talked on the phone before we met and clicked immediately – something I don't often experience with people. We laughed and spoke easily, drifting from topic to topic, and there was, what I thought, a real connection. And what ended up happening was that I invested far too much in that first connection; I went into the date thinking that there was this exceptional bond between us, that he would be a kind of confidant, worthy of my trust despite the lack of experience and history between us.

Instead, he was rude and inappropriately aggressive, exhibited a host of deal-breakers, and looking for something far more causal than I – a fact that was not mentioned in his profile. I returned home from the date feeling sourly disappointed.

Among the many expectations that people take with them to a first date, one of the most important, I believe, is to remember that your date is human -- not Hercules. Regardless of how hot and spicy those text messages have been, how intense the connection drawn between emails and phone calls, adding the element of actual presence can introduce an irreversible chemical reaction to your relationship in ways that you won't always expect.

Remember that the first date is simply that: a first date. It may not be epic, it may not be ground breaking, but it could be beautiful and life-altering, in a perhaps more humble way than pure living fantasy, if you allow it. Having realistic expectations of what you're walking into is one of the best ways to ensure that you'll get the most out of it.

You might have seen them on VH1's Tough Love. You may have even picked up their book Crash Course in Love. However you've made Steve and Joann Ward's acquaintance (even if it's just now), you'll learn they're no strangers to mincing words. This mother-son matchmaking duo offers Oprah.com their top five tidbits for creating successful relationships.

Why does "tough love" work?

• Sometimes people close to you will only tell you what you want to hear
• An outsider can be brutally honest about what you're doing wrong and help you focus on areas to better your relationships.

Are there any "good" men and women left out there?

• Yes, they're everywhere!
• You need to have the skill set to recognize them.
• You must be able to focus on the positive!

What is the difference between visualizing your most compatible match and being too picky?

• Focusing too much on physical criteria can blind you from finding the right person.
• If your emphasis on physical or material criteria is too heavy, it's likely you're too picky!
• Relationships are about communication, respect and trust - those should be on your list.

What are the cardinal rules of dating?

• Be positive! No one likes a downer.
• Make the other person a priority.
• Don't discuss things like politics, money or religion right away.
• Joann's views say don't discuss sex on the first date while Steve says it might come up and that the right time to talk about it is before you have sex.

What can couples do to keep the love alive once they've found it?

• Keep things fun, entertaining and interesting.
• Love what you do and this means the effort your put into your relationship.
• You have to be willing to keep working at it!

Read the complete article here.