Relationships

If you were to ask a twelve-year-old girl what she's expecting or wanting her future spouse to be, her response might go something like this:

“I want someone like that guy from that hospital TV show! Someone who's super-attractive, and a doctor, so he's really intelligent. And a doctor, so he makes lots of money. Someone who falls in love instantly the moment he sees me, and totally understands me. Oh, and he has to be funny!”

As children, we set the bar rather high. Boys do this too – not just girls. They have their own ideal combination. Then, as time passes, we begin to date. That twelve-year-old girl learns that the perfect doctor from the TV show might not exist, and even the actor playing the doctor is revealed to be a jerk. Is she sad? Of course not. She's simply altering her expectations to what works for her.

For example, let's say she realizes that she's pretty successful, so money might not be as much of an issue as she thought it might. Or maybe it's really more important to her that she connects on an emotional level with someone, so that “totally understands me” bit becomes more important in relation to everything else. One bad date makes her realize that similar politics are important to her. Looks? Not so much, though of course attraction is necessary.

Eventually, she meets a guy who fits her new, altered criteria. No, it's not mad love at first sight, but she's been around enough to know a great thing when she sees one. She can recognize what – and who – is worth pursuing.

This is why we date, and why we interact with people; we modify our early, “dream” versions of perfection to realize what and who is perfect for us. This is why there's no such thing as a complete waste of time when it comes to dating, as long as you're learning something.

So next time you're out on a date, even if it's not going well, ask yourself what you can take away from it for the future. And double-check: are your expectations reasonable and tailored for you, or are you still stuck on a cookie-cutter model? Being honest with yourself will help you recognize a great match when you see one – even if it's not a doctor from a TV show.

How many times have you heard someone say this when it comes to dating: “I'm looking for a best friend?” Maybe it's what you want as well.

There's no doubt that two people in a relationship can certainly be each other's best friends. Some might face a slight problem, though: often the very same obstacles that get in the way of meeting romantic prospects – a time-consuming job, for example – also prevent them from meeting many new friends. Oh sure, they might have friends already; old friendships that have been there for years. Let's face it, though; the kind of friendships where you only talk to each other once in awhile or see each other every few years just don't require the same amount of work as a new friendship. And so our skills get rusty.

We begin to lose out on that fine art of small talk, or the ability to pick up on non-verbal social cues like “I want to talk about something/go out again but I don't want to bring it up.” We aren't as likely to know how to “be there” for someone else, because we aren't used to fitting such things into our daily routines.

So as you're sending out your emails and awaiting responses, what can you do in the meantime? Learn to be a better friend – because a good friendship is more than half the work of a good romantic relationship. Get those social skills honed, re-learn how to meet people. Don't sit by the phone waiting to be called – throw a barbecue.

Improving your social life with ultimately improve your romantic life, but better yet, you'll benefit everything else in your life right now. There's virtually no downside to making new friends. And who knows? Maybe a new acquaintance could turn into something more.

Going on a first date is a lot like spending a weekend in Vegas - if you don't play you'll never win, but a lot of times you'll be going home empty-handed. The key is to take it easy, decide you're going to have a good time no matter what, and, above all, do your homework.

In Vegas, "doing your homework" means researching the odds, understanding the house's advantages, and learning how to count cards. When it comes to dating, "doing your homework" means developing an understanding of how to think, act, and present yourself in ways that allow you to live up to your full dating potential.

So how do you make a flawless first impression?

Dress for success.

Choose an outfit that expresses your personality, increases your confidence, and makes you feel comfortable. Steer clear of overly trendy clothing and avoid using a first date as an opportunity to try out a completely new look. Add distinctive touches to your outfits, like a pocket watch you inherited from your great-grandfather or a scarf you purchased while doing charity work abroad. They show off your unique sense of style and they might be the beginning of a very interesting conversation.

Go beyond physical attraction.

Physical appearance is a powerful motivating force in human interaction, but it's intellectual attraction that creates a deep connection and a lasting bond. Highlight the intangible qualities that make you a catch, like your creativity, intelligence, and sense of humor, and find subtle ways to showcase your talents and express your best attributes.

Let your body do the talking.

While you're busy communicating verbally, your body is subconsciously sending a constant stream of inside information about you, like if your self-confidence is real or fake, when you're fudging the truth, and whether or not you're actually into your date. Body language is much too big of a topic to cover in this article, but plenty of information on the subject can be found online if you're interested in learning more.

Focus on your date.

It's tempting recite a list of all of the things the make you awesome in order to impress your date, but what really makes an impression is your ability to pay attention to them. Don't interrupt, don't let your eyes or mind wander, and don't forget to ask open-ended questions that indicate genuine interest and keep the conversation going.

Live in the moment.

If you're not in the right mindset, failure is guaranteed. Don't dwell on problems and painful memories, relationship-related or otherwise. Keep the past in the past and greet the present with passion.

Dating is a skill that needs to be rehearsed like a play, practiced like an instrument, studied like an academic subject, and exercised like a muscle. Neglect your social skills and you'll lose them; utilize your social skills and they'll grow stronger. If you employ these four tips, you'll be well on your way towards becoming your best self and understanding exactly what it takes to be an expert dater.

You’ve found someone who piques your interest, you’ve messaged back and forth a few times, and now you’re wondering how to take things to the next level.

The first step is to upgrade the conversation from e-mails and other messages to a real-time exchange. A phone call is ideal, but if you or your date doesn’t feel comfortable swapping numbers yet suggest a conversation over AIM or another instant messaging client, and build rapport in the increased intimacy of that environment before moving on to a telephone conversation. When you’re ready to make the leap to a phone call, try a low-pressure approach like this: “I’m really enjoying getting to know you, but can we move this chat to the phone? I’m a people-person, and I find it a little hard to get a sense of who someone truly is just by reading what they write.” Then ask for their number or offer your own.

Don’t let anxiety get the better of you when it’s time for the first phone call. It’s ok if you’re nervous, or sound a little awkward, or stutter a few times – the person on the other end of the line is in exactly the same boat. Here are a few things to bear in mind, though, to keep the conversation running as smoothly as possible:

1) Plan out several topics of conversation ahead of time so that you don’t run out of interesting things to say (but beware of the dialogue sound stilted and rehearsed).
2) Focus the conversation on the other person as much as possible. It takes a little bit of pressure off of you, and everyone is their own favorite topic anyway.
3) Don’t let the call go on forever. A good first phone conversation only needs to be about 10 minutes long. You can make it longer if your personality or their personality calls for a slow build of comfort and trust, but don’t exceed 20 minutes. Bring the conversation to a close on a high note, and leave your date wanting to know more about you.

When it comes to be time to suggest the first in-person meeting, don’t make a big deal out of it. The more casual and relaxed you make the pending encounter seem, the more likely it is that your date will feel comfortable saying “yes.” Something as simple as “I’ve had a great time chatting with you. There’s a new sushi restaurant downtown I’ve been dying to try out…you should come with me” is all you need.

Always be sure to suggest getting together somewhere that is A) low-key, B) public, and C) not in an isolated location when you’re meeting someone for the first time. It’s important that your date feels that they can leave easily at any moment if they begin to feel uncomfortable, and it decreases the risk for you as well.

Keep an eye out for a future article on Internet safety for more information on protecting yourself both online and off.

I'm beginning to think that dating is a lot like learning to cook. Before you begin to cook, it's a mysterious talent, shrouded in mystery. Some seem to take to it immediately, while others watch their first attempts explode all over the stove. Those “in the know” claim it's easy, but if that's the case, why are so many people bad at it?

What do you do when you don't know how to cook? Well, there are options. You might observe family and friends. In a way, you've grown up with a light introduction to cooking, because you've watched your parents and other elders. Later, when you're more interested, you start to take notes.

Then there's formalized instruction, in the form of television. Countless shows will offer tips and tricks when it comes to cooking. Some of these shows will give you useful basics; others are operating at a base level with far more skill than you currently possess. Some tell you that cooking is instinctive, and you should go with your gut; others get incredibly analytical and esoteric.

Ultimately, however, how do you really learn to cook? Experimentation. Some attempts are just plain disastrous; others contain lessons to learn. Every once in awhile, something turns out way better than you expected, and you spend the next month trying to replicate your unexpected success.

At some point, though, it just clicks. Suddenly you're not running around the kitchen like a chicken with your head cut off. You're calm and collected, and even more surprisingly, you're enjoying yourself. You begin to look forward to your next experience, and others are coming to you for advice.

Dating is no different. You can learn the theory, but really the best way to learn is to get in the kitchen and try it out. It's not always successful, and it can be messy and even occasionally painful. Eventually, though, it'll click. And it's worth the effort; it's a skill that could change your life.

Self-reflection is absolutely necessary for successful dating. In order to know what type of person you want, you should have a firm idea of who you are and what you're looking for in others. There is a basic foundation of respect that people generally believe they deserve from each other. Everyone wants honesty, respect, and care. Nevertheless, the reason why many people experience conflict over these issues is because people define these terms in different ways. While some people understand respect as opening doors and pulling out chairs for a lady, others might actually find this behavior offensive.

You

Not sure where to start? Draft a list of things that are important to you. What is important in your life? What are some central aspects of your personality and lifestyle? How do you understand honesty, respect, and care? It may help if you develop two checklists: in the first, determine what qualities are absolute deal-breakers; in the second, determine what qualities are important to you, but you could live without. If you understand yourself, you will be better able to present exactly what you want to project to potential partners.

Your Partner

What basic attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, and interests do you expect from your partner? Is their political allegiance an issue? Religious affiliation? Past experience? How do you want to be treated in a relationship? Do you have any deal-breakers, and if so, what are they? Although it is unlikely and unrealistic to expect that you will ever find someone that encompasses every item you wish for, it is entirely within your grasp to find someone who comes close!

Life is Short

Your time is precious. Knowing what you're looking for in a partner saves you time, energy, and potential heart ache from failed dates and relationships. Knowing what you want is the first step to figuring out how to get it. The second step is, of course, articulating those needs and learning how to find the kind of people you're looking for.

Frankness and honesty play a great role in online dating. Before you even meet, you can deliver your desires and expectations free of guilt and look for like-minded people without the hassle of going through several dates just to later learn of some tragic, deal-breaking flaw. By settling the score up front and asking directly for what you want, you come closer to finding it!