Relationships

Handling a break up with poise, style, and grace is a complex undertaking at the best of times, and a Herculean challenge at the worst. The technological advances of the 21st century have made a lot of things easier - communicating with friends, collecting research for college papers, ordering everything from food, to books, to clothing, to medication - but the explosive popularity of social networking sites has made getting dumped more difficult than ever.

I'm back today with more wise words and astute advice from Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz about what to do when, as they so eloquently put it in "How to handle a break-up online," "you've had your heart ripped from your chest" and the aorta is "geysering blood across your bedroom floor, on which you are currently sprawled." Last time, we discussed how to avoid having your emotional wounds reopened every time you sign onto Twitter or check into Foursquare. Now it's time to take on proper break up etiquette for the social networking giant Facebook and Google. Let's get right down to business.

For Facebook Users:
Facebook is like quicksand for the freshly single. The moment you slip and start spying on your ex's profile, you can't escape, and you continue to be sucked farther and farther down into the dismal and depressing world of spying on your ex's new life without you. In the event of a nasty break up, it's in the best interest of your mental health to simply unfriend your ex and remove any photos you've uploaded of the two of you together. Don't spend hours pouring over every new picture your ex adds, every new status your ex posts, and every new message left on your ex's wall, reminiscing about "the good old days" and trying desperately to figure out if your ex is seeing someone new. You can't look forward to the future if you're stuck in the past.

For Google Users:
By "Google users" Ehrlich, Bartz, and I really mean "search engine users," and by "search engine users" we really mean everyone, so pay attention because this does apply to you! Now that search engines like Google can pull data from sites like Facebook and Twitter, social media is not the only source of break up misery online. With one simple search, you can find everything from your ex's brand new online dating profile to an article about the trophy they won during their glory days as a high school mathlete.

Self-control, as Ehrlich and Bartz point out, is not exactly in the post-break up vocabulary, particularly "after a few whiskey sodas," so don't place your sanity in the less-then-capable hands of your easily compromised, recently dumped willpower. Instead, check out the browser plug-in Ex-Blocker from the creative agency JESS3. Type in your ex's full name, Twitter username, Facebook URL, and the address of their blog, and - voila! - all mentions of your ex will be wiped from your Web browser forever.

With these tips, your break up should be a little easier to bear, at least when it comes to your life in cyberspace...and if not, it might be time to consider moving to that remote island in the Pacific.

We've all heard it: someone comes in from a date, and when asked how it went, says something along the lines of, “It was a bad date.” Or, conversely, it was a “really good date.” Well, I'm taking a somewhat radical stand: no more shall we use these terms! For one thing, it just seems sort of... Orwellian. For another, it's often not what we really mean, and it confuses people when they're on the short end of the stick.

Let's say you've been on a few dates with someone, and the person is nice, great, in fact... but there's no chemistry there. Ultimately, you end the relationship. Does that mean you had a “bad” time, or that your date was a “bad date”? Of course not. You might even recommend the person to a friend, one who might have a better shot at that whole chemistry thing.

The person you've just dumped, however, is mystified. We've spent so much time quantifying our relationships into good and bad. The freshly dumped person might wonder: Am I now a “bad date”? What did I do wrong? When, of course, the person didn't actually do anything wrong.

If we used different terminology, if we thought in a slightly different way, we could avoid unnecessary heartbreak. Remember, when you're going on a date you're not interviewing someone for a position; you're meeting an equal to see if you fit well together, to see if you'd essentially become great friends. Some, you might want to stay acquaintances; some, you might want to run screaming, but both of these could be considered “unsuccessful” matches. One where you want to see them the next day, and the next after that? Well, that would be a “successful” meeting.

Suddenly we're not calling entire people “good” and “bad” - we're merely referring to the status of the compatibility between the two of you. After all, an unsuccessful match for you and Person X doesn't mean Person X can't find happiness with Person Y.

Okay, so is all this more than a little silly? Perhaps – but maybe we have to do something silly to get some people to look at dating in the right way. People go on one unsuccessful date and decide that it “means something” about their character, when all it really means is that two random people were not compatible. So if this applies to you, do whatever it takes – speak like a robot to yourself, come up with ridiculous terminology, but stop beating up on yourself and get back on that dating horse! It was just one unsuccessful match.

Though many women claim to be looking for "nice guys" in a romantic relationship, many are still attracted to the "bad boys" for the excitement, fun and mystery they represent. But does this mean nice guys don't have a chance when it comes to love?

Hardly. But first, we should clarify what it means to be a nice guy.

Nice is not boring. Although we tend to associate nice with boring, they are not the same. A man can be nice as well as engaging, interesting, and surprising. To me, a boring man doesn't contribute to the conversation because he has nothing new to say, is not curious about the world around him, and tends to agree with whatever the woman says or wants. This doesn't win any hearts, guys. Boring is not going to help a relationship last.

Nice is not shy. Many women equate nice with shy when it comes to men. If a man is too intimidated to approach a woman, ask her out, or show her his affection, his shyness is hindering his dating magnetism. Nice guys do show their interest and attraction in a woman and they aren't afraid to approach.

Nice is not needy. If a woman sees that a man is sending her flowers, presents, and calls or texts her several times a day, she'll start to get weary. Pursuing a woman doesn't mean that you have to prove yourself and your worth as a partner all the time by showering her with affection and gifts. This shows insecurity, which is not attractive to women. Nice guys show affection, compliment, and pursue a woman they are interested in, but they aren't needy.

Nice is considerate and respectful. If a man shows respect towards the women he dates, is thoughtful, and is considerate of her feelings, he is being a nice guy. These are traits that most women are attracted to for long-term partnerships, as opposed to the men who don't return phone calls or keep women guessing about their intentions.

While bad boys might be attractive to women in the short term, it's the nice ones who "finish first" in terms of successful long-term partnerships.

Let's say you're new to the world of online dating. You're still not sure if you should tell your friends, and you've been on a couple of dates worthy of a sitcom. Then you meet someone who seems different from the rest, someone more like what you had in mind when you started this endeavor, and you're out on your first date.

It may be tempting, in the course of conversation, to bring up how you met, how they're so much better than the other people you've met through online dating. In general, however, I would avoid this.

Why? Well, no matter how smoothly you might phrase it, this is what you're basically saying: “Wow, I can't believe I'm here. Online dating sites are full of freaks! You are, by far, the least freakiest person I've met through online dating! Of course, who knows how you would stack up in the 'real' dating arena...”

It's a mistake common to people who are new to online dating. They're still feeling a little self-conscious about it themselves, and while trying to be complimentary, are actually saying a whole lot more about their own insecurities.

What to do to avoid a foot-in-mouth moment? Don't think of online dating as a different world than any other kind of dating. Don't place a person you met through a site in a different box than someone you met at the grocery store. Once you've mentally crossed the 'online' out of 'online dating,' consider: is it very polite to bash former first dates – or talk about them at all, really – on a first date with someone else? No? Then move on to something you have in common, and talk about that instead.

Now, I understand, it can be awkward meeting someone for the first time, in any situation. It can be possible to address the awkwardness in a lighthearted manner when you first meet, as long as it doesn't become the only thing you talk about.

Good example: Said with a smile, at the beginning of the date: “Wow, this is funny! We've been emailing for so long, I feel like I should have a keyboard out to talk to you.”

Bad example: Said in the middle of the date: “So, am I the most normal person you've met through an online dating site? Let's compare war stories.”

As you set out on your first date, remember: it's not a novelty – it's a first meeting to determine if you're compatible as people. Nothing can be much simpler than that.

It's summer which means there are plenty of barbeques and parties happening. Now is the time to take advantage of these social gatherings and start meeting new people!

But how do you approach someone who catches your eye at a party? Should you offer cheesy one-liners to introduce yourself, or is there a better approach? Here are some tips:

• Make yourself approachable. Don't stand in the corner and look around, waiting for someone to talk to you. Smile and circulate. Introduce yourself first. There's nothing sexier than confidence and putting others at ease to talk to you.

• Take interest in other party-goers. Ask questions and listen to what they tell you. Nothing attracts people more than an attentive listener and someone who treats others with respect and interest.

• Don't look around the room when you're talking with someone. There's nothing more insulting than having a conversation with someone who isn't really engaged with you. If you keep looking to see who else is at the party, you won't connect. Focus on the person you're talking to, and when you're ready to leave and move on to someone else, politely excuse yourself.

• Don't hang around the same person all night. Sure, you've found someone really attractive, but making yourself too available is a turn-off. Excuse yourself and circulate, and meet up with that person later. Alternatively, if you only talk with one or two people who you know at the party, you're preventing yourself from meeting new and interesting people. Don't cut yourself off when there is opportunity, even if you're shy. Be bold and circulate.

• Bring a social wingman/woman, or go solo. Don't bring your wallflower friend to a party or you may end up babysitting. Instead, call on your socially-savvy friends who have no problem approaching new people, and have them introduce you. Alternatively, go solo. There's nothing that screams confidence like someone who comes to a party alone and engages with new people. Plus, other singles will know you are single too.

Getting dumped, in the simple yet poignant words of CNN.com’s netiquette columnists Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz, “sucks.” Ancient axioms like “Time heals all wounds” and “There are plenty of fish in the sea” might provide some comfort to a broken heart but, as Ehrlich and Bartz point out in their article “How to handle a break-up online,” “breaking up is hard in the digital age – especially when the world is spending around 22 percent of its time on social networks.”

So what do you do when your ex is continuously posting updates about his or her latest fling on Twitter? Can a heart heal when you’re confronted with photos of your ex’s new boyfriend or girlfriend whenever you log onto Facebook? How do you move on when you’re tempted to Google your ex’s name every time you open your web browser?

Ehrlich and Bartz, news editors for Mashable.com and Psychology Today, respectively, offer the following advice for getting dumped with dignity in the digital age:

For Twitter Users:

If your ex is a chronic oversharer, the easiest way to avoid Twitter-induced heartache is, of course, to unfollow him or her and remove any and all torturous Tweets completely. But if deleting your ex forever seems like a move so cruel he or she doesn’t even deserve it for dumping you, check out Twitter clients like Brizzly which will eliminate the offending messages.

Ehrlich and Bartz also warn readers to take the Twitter high road at all times. Resist the temptation to Tweet about your hurt feelings or post messages about how badly you’d like revenge. Not only is it immature, there’s a very good chance that your ex’s friends or relatives are still reading your Tweets and are reporting back about that week you spent on the couch trying all 31 flavors of Baskin Robbins ice cream.

For Foursquare users:

The awkward run-in is one of the most painful parts of the breaking up process, so be aware of your locational privacy when using sites like Foursquare. Your ex definitely doesn’t still need to know where you are every second of every day. Once again, the easiest option is deleting him or her entirely, but if that route doesn’t sound appealing, Ehrlich and Bartz recommend using a web app like Avoidr, which “allows you to choose which Foursquare friends you want to forsake, and then flags their check-ins so you can sidestep an encounter.” If you and your ex frequent the same bars, restaurants, and coffee shops, this is a highly useful tool. The best course of action, however, is using your break up as motivation to ditch the pajamas and ice cream, and find new haunts and new friends all your own.

Join me next time for more advice on getting dumped from Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz. Up next: how to handle a break up on search engines and the king of social networking sites, Facebook.

Check out the original article here.