Relationships

When it comes to relationships, mutual chemistry and attraction are great, but what about compatible intellects? If you love spending time with someone special, but you don't really have much to discuss, there could be a problem.

There are a few questions you can ask yourself to see how important intellectual compatibility is to you in a relationship. If your partner reads The Wall Street Journal every day while you prefer to cut loose and watch Jersey Shore, there are some compromises to make.

Do you and your partner treat each other with respect? Maybe one of you enjoys discussing politics and having stimulating debates while the other prefers to play video games. But do you respect each other's interests, or do you try and convince each other that you're wasting time? The basis for any relationship is mutual respect and consideration.

Are you open to learning about your partner's interests? If the thought of spending another dinner with your boyfriend discussing the latest batch of action movies disgusts you, there may be a problem. Both of you should be open to learning and growing. If you are only willing to discuss things that interest you, there isn't much room to move your relationship forward.

How important is intellectual compatibility to you? If you find yourself questioning the relationship because you don't have much to say to each other, there could be a problem. If you want someone whose interests align with your own, and you find yourself unhappy in relationships that don't provide this, then you should think about moving on.

Remember, your partner can't fulfill all of your needs. If your significant other loves you, treats you with respect, and is a wonderful partner in many other ways, is intellectual compatibility something you can do without? If you have friends who share your passion, spend time with them. Don't expect your partner to share all of your interests. Others in your life can share your passion about politics, 18th Century English literature, or whatever else you find engaging.

We've all been there: your love life doesn't go according to plan, and you find yourself back in the dating game again. What can you do to prevent yourself from falling into a pattern of hopelessness? And does this type of thinking prevent you from finding a good relationship?

The short answer is, our thoughts and actions influence our lives and potential opportunities. Have you ever been around someone who was continually depressed or negative about her personal life? It's hard to attract a good relationship in this state.

Following are some actions and attitudes that may be sabotaging your love life without you realizing it:

Do you stay in bad relationships, or continue to date people who aren't compatible with you, just to avoid being alone? If this is a pattern, it's time to break things off and spend some time soul-searching on your own. You'll have a hard time recognizing and being available to Mr. Right if you're still involved with someone else.

Do you think "all the good ones are taken"? This is another fallacy, even if you feel like you are surrounded by couples. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 42% of adults over age 18 in the U.S. are single. Surely some of them are great catches! Don't fall for this line of thinking, or you will have a hard time opening up to new people you meet.

Being critical of every new date you meet. Do you find yourself listing off all of the things you don't like about the person you're dating? Instead of concentrating on all of the things you don't want, try recognizing aspects of the other person you find attractive. Make a list of everything you see that you do want. This way, you are able to open up and attract more compatible dates.

Avoiding social situations. If you feel depressed because you are alone, you won't be doing yourself any favors by holing up in your apartment and avoiding parties, dates, and gatherings with friends. Find the motivation to put yourself out there. Accept invitations, mingle with new people, and leave the door open for new relationships to come into your life.

Like it or not, online dating is here to stay, and it's becoming more prevalent than ever.

"We may be holding out against the implication that we need to sign up for one of these sites in order to find love, or that we have no choice but to engage in the Techno-Romance that is shaping our love lives in this post-dating world," Jessica Massa argues in "You're Online Dating and You Don't Even Know It!," but even if you've resisted joining a formal online dating site, odds are good that you're still engaging in mainstream online dating practices via a more clandestine source: Facebook.

You don't have to give up on using the Internet to find love if online dating sites do not appeal to you. Facebook, and other social networking Web sites, offers similar functionality with a little more stealth and a lot less stigma. Last time, we discussed the ways in which two of Facebook's most popular features - the message and the poke - mirror the functionality of traditional online dating sites. Today, we're reviewing Massa's examination of some of Facebook's other notable features, and exploring the ways in which they can be used to meet your match.

First up: the friend request. Clicking a button that says "Add as Friend" might seem like an inconsequential action, but "Many people see friend requesting for what it is - a next step forward in any burgeoning friendship, professional relationship or flirtation." "The very decision," Massa concludes, "to send a friend request to someone you've just met, romantically-motivated or not, can send a surprisingly clear signal of interest to a new prospect." If you suffer from anxiety in social situations and find it difficult to meet people in person, a Facebook friend request can be a perfect, stress-free introduction.

The status update is yet another low-key way to indicate interest without appearing overly enthusiastic or needy. Massa compares commenting on someone's status to a "non-date," which she describes in another article as "an ambiguous interaction, sometimes face-to-face and sometimes involving technology, that is not explicitly romantic but does not feel entirely platonic either." The more you share personal stories with someone, and comment on their personal stories in return, the more opportunities you will have to bond over shared interests and goals. When you reach the point that you are commenting regularly on each others' posts, you will feel like very active parts of each others' lives.

If you're the type that likes to mark your territory, the wall post is just what the doctor ordered. Flirting in private messages lets the recipient know you're interested in them, but flirting via wall post lets everyone know you're interested in the recipient. Public Facebook flirting essentially amounts to marking your territory, and presents a warning and challenge to all potential competitors.

And finally, Massa discusses one of Facebook's most notorious characteristics: its ability to turn all of us, at least on some occasions, into private detectives. There is almost no end to what you can learn about someone from their photo uploads (much more than what you would learn from the carefully chosen selection of photos featured on an online dating profile), from reviewing their actions on the profiles of mutual friends, and from checking out the spots listed on the new location-based Facebook Places feature. Wondering if your potential partner is a partier or the quiet type? Assess the pictures in their albums. Wondering if they're single, but too afraid to inquire directly? Ask a mutual friend. Wondering where you can go to "accidentally" run into your crush? See where they've checked in on Facebook Places. It's easy to take this comprehensive access to someone's life too far, but as long as you resist the urge to turn into a stalker you can learn a lot of genuinely interesting and useful things about your romantic prospects that can help you determine your compatibility.

Massa's bottom-line is simple: we are all involved in Techno-Romance whether we are conscious of it or not, and with the introduction of "new partnerships with explicitly dating-centered companies like MeetMoi, a mobile location-based dating app, Facebook seems to be making the effort to bring a little clarity and purpose to its romantic possibilities."

At some point or another, when you're beginning a new relationship, you're going to have to deal with small talk. When you're in a relationship that began through an online dating website, you might even deal with it multiple times. For example, you might engage in small talk when you're first corresponding through email. Then, when you finally meet in person, there might be some amount of small talk, again. No one likes those awkward first moments, and it can be even more painful if you're someone who's very shy. So, what can you do to ease the way?

First, try to avoid the hot-button subjects on the very first meeting: politics, religion, etc. First of all, if the date is very politically-or-religiously-minded, the conversation will get there anyway. Secondly, one of the benefits of an online dating profile means you probably already know if it will be an issue or not. And finally, you're trying to see if the two of you are compatible, both romantically and as friends. Don't go looking for trouble.

Now, what can you talk about that isn't the weather? Here's where a little research and preparation can be useful. If you know, from profiles or previous communication, that you already have certain things in common, try finding something interesting about the subject that you haven't already covered. If you don't have a specific subject in mind, try looking up current but interesting news articles – again, avoiding upsetting topics. The internet is full of interesting information about space exploration, human interest stories, dumb criminals, and more. Try finding some that your date might already know about and can discuss, and others that you can share. Make sure you can talk about them without getting tangled up or long-winded.

Remember, when you're in person, that you're not putting on a show here; you don't have to be absolutely smooth and suave. It's okay to acknowledge the awkwardness. Rather than thinking that you're performing for an audience, think of you and your date as co-conspirators; you're both in this situation together. Ask questions, and really listen to the answers. Before you know it, you'll be out of the mire of small talk and into a full-fledged conversation – hopefully, the first of many.

In theory, you should have it made. You've met someone, and hit it off. Your initial expectations when getting into this online dating thing have already been exceeded. The thing is, you've gotten this far in a relationship before... and it didn't work out. What if you fail this time? How can you make this relationship succeed? You know you should be happy, but you can't seem to get out of your own head.

Sometimes, our relationship problems lie not in meeting someone, but in getting in our own way. Micro-managing is a great trait in some professions; in the world of romance, however, it can be a bit of a hindrance. After all, a relationship is comprised of at least two separate people; you can't control the other person, so ultimately, you can't control the relationship.

So what's an over-thinker to do to avoid tripping themselves up? Well, I recommend what I call the Mint Julip method. Ask yourself, “On the whole, am I happy in this relationship today?” If the answer is “Yes,” follow it up with, “Then I'll worry about the relationship tomorrow.” Tell yourself this every day.

Another useful tip for the generally anxious person is to keep lines of communication open with their significant other. Are you worried you might be smothering them? Ask them about it. Are you afraid there might have been a misunderstanding? Address the issue. Dwelling on a problem without bringing it up will only lead to more anxiety.

Additionally, try not to over-analyze your every move and say what you feel. Are you feeling happy? Don't worry if it's too much too soon; say you're happy. It not only promotes honest communication, it helps make it second nature and less calculated.

The challenge isn't always over when you find a significant other, but that doesn't mean you can't conquer it. Staying out of your own way can be as easy – and as difficult – as relaxing. Just remember: you can always worry about it tomorrow.

Many of us have been hurt in the past. But should your past dictate future romantic relationships?

There are many things to consider when you're not sure if you can trust your current boyfriend or girlfriend. Following are some questions you can ask yourself to help you see things more clearly.

How well do you communicate with each other? Usually, a breakdown in communication is the root of the problem, so my first suggestion is always to try and talk it out. If you have a problem or issue, let your partner know. If you don't address problems, they can't get resolved. So, how can you expect things to change?

Is your partner available? By this I mean emotionally available. Does he make promises he doesn't keep? Does he act distant with you? Does he try and avoid real intimacy and a deeper relationship? Observe his behavior instead of his words. Actions are the real indicator of intentions.

Do you respect each other? Maybe you have great chemistry, but does that mean the relationship is a keeper? Not necessarily. If she doesn't treat you or your concerns with respect and is unwilling to discuss them, there is a problem. Trust is based on mutual respect.

Are you afraid of getting hurt again? Sometimes we don't realize where we are blocked in our own relationships. If someone violated your trust in the past, is this preventing you from moving forward with other relationships? If so, it's time to ask yourself if you are willing to take risks. Love is all about taking chances and placing trust in another person. If you aren't willing to do this, you can't build trust within a relationship.