Relationships

Whether this is your first online romance or your fiftieth, chances are good that you don't have a foolproof system for determining your paramour's potential to be a long-term partner. It happens to all of us sooner or later - a relationship will be progressing nicely, and then all of a sudden we find ourselves plagued by thoughts of "But is this The One? Could I settle down with this person? Are we truly compatible? What does our future hold?"

I have a confession to make: I don't have a foolproof system either. No one does. Ultimately, the only person who can decide what's right for you is you, and you're probably going to make a few mistakes before finding your perfect match.

I can, however, offer some first-rate guidance on finding Mr. or Mrs. Right before the trial and error method puts too much wear and tear on your heart. To determine if your date is marriage material, consider these questions:

• Does your date agree with everything you say? This is a bit of a trick question. Someone who respects your opinions is a keeper - but someone who constantly agrees with you just for the sake of agreeing with you is not. To sustain a long-term relationship, you need a partner who has an opinion of their own, and who will defend it to the death when they feel strongly about it.

• Do they have a good relationship with their family? A close relationship with parents is a sign of stability and emotional health, and usually indicates the potential to be in a steady long-term relationship. But a relationship that is too close, to the point that it becomes needy and dependent, is a problem.

• Are you the most important thing in their life? This is another trick question. Everyone wants (and deserves!) to feel needed and special, but if you are the center of your date's universe you might want to rethink their partnership potential. A man or woman who is marriage material does not call to check in with you four times a day, and doesn't get upset if you spend a night or two away with your friends. The rule of healthy parental relationships applies here too: a strong, loving connection is a good thing, while neediness and dependence are not.

• Does your date have realistic expectations of your future together - and do their expectations match yours? A shared vision of your future is essential to a successful long-term relationship. Talk openly about your goals and expectations to make sure they are A) Aligned and B) Achievable. Don't set yourself up for disappointment.

There's one final question I want you to keep in mind when deciding if your love is marriage material: Do they seem too good to be true? Follow the old adage in this situation - if they seem too good to be true, they probably are. No one is flawless, and a sincere, genuine partner will not have a problem revealing their flaws when they feel a lasting connection with you.

My friends are an incredibly gifted group of people. They're intelligent, funny, creative, attractive, successful, and artistic. Some started their own companies when they were teenagers. Some are dedicated to saving the planet, one environmentally-friendly step at a time. Some are pursuing political careers. Some spend their free time volunteering to help under-privileged children and starving families. Some are traveling the world. Others are models, writers, photographers, dancers, musicians, artists, and actors. They are talented in thousands of ways - but writing online dating profiles frequently isn't one of them.

It amazes me how often I see a bad profile make a great catch seem like a not-if-we-were-the-last-two-people-on-Earth kind of date. Take this description, for example:

"I'm an average height and weight, with dark hair and blue eyes. I'm an ok cook and people tell me that I sing well, but I'll leave it up to you to decide whether or not I have a good voice. I play tennis on the weekends, although I'm not very good at it. I have some other hobbies as well, but I'm more interested in hearing about yours."

Yawn. Boring, right? In the name of humility and modesty, that profile paints a portrait of someone who is dull, ordinary, and insecure. Modesty is supposed to be a virtue, but when it comes to finding love online, modesty - especially false modesty - is a huge mistake. Writing an enticing, effective profile requires you to toot your own horn so loudly it can be heard halfway across the globe.

So if you're an award-winning journalist who has the brains of a Princeton professor, the figure of a fitness model, and the skills of a classically trained pianist, say so! Fight the urge that tells you that you have to downgrade yourself to avoid coming off as a jerk with a severe case of narcissism. Don't underestimate yourself. Squash your self-consciousness.

Your online dating profile is the only glimpse potential paramours get into who you really are and what positive qualities you possess - so why waste time making yourself seem less interesting, less attractive, less unique, etc? By talking about your strengths, you are simply reporting the facts, not stroking your ego.

That being said, flaunting your assets to the point that it becomes the arrogant gloating of a high-maintenance bragger is a huge turn-off. Follow a glowing self-review by admitting to an innocent flaw that is humanizing and endearing, like "I couldn't carry a tune if it had a handle and the longest I've ever managed to stay upright on skis is approximately 12 seconds."

Write your profile the way a marketing team would write an advertisement for a product. What do you bring to the table (and to a future partner's life) that is exceptional, unforgettable, exciting, and indispensable? Do you plan to climb Mount Everest? Have you published a poem? Could you defeat Beckham in a one-on-one match? Tell a story that demonstrates your strong points and makes readers want to know more about what makes you such a catch.

I've noticed a disturbing trend in online dating profiles lately: people are giving out way too much personal information, whether they realize it or not.

No, I'm not talking about their issues with their mother or their medical history; I mean real, concrete information about themselves, like where they live, where they work, where they can literally be found on most Friday nights.

I think this one stems from the fact that the world of online dating blends all the social worlds together, often in confusing ways. You start out as an anonymous internet user name. You begin to reveal some personal details through emails. When you meet, you've progressed to your real name, and your real face, clear of photoshop touch-ups. Often in the dating stage, more and more specific details – where you work, where you live – are revealed, and theoretically you end in a relationship, where there are very few secrets at all.

You're using the online dating world to move from being an anonymous stranger to a best friend. It's not surprising that progress can be uneven or uncertain at times.

The biggest faux pas I see has to be the reveal of the workplace. Sometimes it's blatantly in the body of the profile: “I work as a copywriter for this not-so-large company!” Sometimes it might be a username that is more obvious than you might think: for example, a girl who works at the Flying Thunder roller coaster at the local amusement park becomes “FTrollergal.” It might not make any sense to the world at large, but to someone local, it's clear as day.

Sometimes, in a larger city, people clarify the specific neighborhood they live in. Occasionally those neighborhoods are really just a street or two. Then they mention they hang out at the local coffee shop every weekend, when there's only one local coffee shop. Instant stalker material.

I know the world of the internet is shrinking, and in general people are less concerned about “putting it all out there,” but we mustn't forget basic safety rules. After all, you might not care that your perfect match knows where you live – but what about all the imperfect matches checking out your page as well?

It's easy to learn tips and tricks when you start out in the world of online dating. After all, if conversation can be said to be an art, so too can online dating (it's just another form of social interaction, after all), and knowing a few tips can ease your way. However, it's easy to forget a simple fact: the goal for many of us in online dating is to form a long-term relationship. And for that, you need instinct as well.

After all, it might be easy for some to be smooth when it comes to small talk, but what about moving to that deeper level? For those Bigger Conversations, it's often better to trust your gut. Each and every relationship is a unique combination of people – what works for one relationship might not work for another.

That being said, that doesn't mean that you're completely adrift and alone once you get past the first date stage. You might be a completely unique combo, but that doesn't mean that listening to people who have been in similar situations, or even knowing some basic human psychology, can't be helpful. Still, there might be a point when you have to say, “I know that x has worked for other people, but I really think that y will work for my relationship.”

Without tips and tricks, what can help you learn to trust your gut? In a word: communication. The best thing about a relationship is that you're actually never adrift and alone – there's another person involved. The better you know your partner, the better you'll know what's appropriate, whether it's knowing when to lean in for that first kiss or talk about being exclusive.

When it comes to decisions within your relationship, you should never be the sole decision-maker. The more communication you have with your partner, the more you'll come to know the both of you. Then, when it comes to those Big Decisions (Should we get married? Should we move across the country?) you won't be going in blind and alone; you'll be together and informed.

Since there's a point in every relationship when tips and tricks aren't enough and you're forging your own path, does this mean tips are useless? Absolutely not. For many, the hardest part of a relationship is just finding the right person, getting through that first date, making that small talk. Making those awkward first moments smoother can be invaluable. It makes sense that the most research and thought would be put into these first meetings – because afterwards, theoretically, you already have a friend to help you along.

"Two weeks ago, I checked the Internet history on my partner's computer. I know it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself! Now I'm glad I did, because I discovered that they've been going to chat rooms to have sex with other people online, and using online dating sites to have real life affairs. What can I do? How did this happen?"

Sound familiar? There's a good chance this is either your story, or the story of someone you know. The online dating boom has brought millions of happy couples together but, thanks to sites on which members identify themselves as "married but that shouldn't matter" and sites dedicated to extramarital affairs like Married Men Seeking Women and the infamous Ashley Madison, it's broken just as many apart.

Online infidelity comes in many shapes and sizes. Some cheaters favor affair-specific sites, while others gravitate towards using social networking sites to connect with friends and former lovers. Others engage in cybersex in chat rooms, flirt in forums, or seek out no-strings-attached hook ups with strangers on adult personals sites.

I know of a neighborhood that decided to rip out their old community pool. It had been empty for years; kids were using it as a skate park. They ripped it out, but they didn't do anything to it afterwards. Now there was a gaping hole without a history, that turned into a mud pit when it rained. I don't think anyone thought it was an improvement.

When we attempt to wipe our own history, we wind up with tons of these; useless holes in the ground that are much more conspicuous than what was there before. What am I talking about? Past relationships. Most of us have them, and we know it's supposed to be bad form to talk about them, especially on a first date. But are there times when not talking about them could be even worse?

Picture this: you're on a date, and the new flame asks you where you learned to roll your own sushi. Well, the true answer is that your ex signed you up for a cooking masterclass. Other than that useful masterclass, it's all you really remember about the ex; it was a brief, almost meaningless relationship. Now, what would be a more appropriate response? Option A: “Oh, it was a birthday present from an ex, years ago.” Option B: “It was a birthday present from... uh... this person... never mind, it's a long story, and not very important.”

Of course, the best option would probably have been to mention the class was a present and leave it at that, but let's assume you had gotten your foot halfway into your mouth already. Option A works because, even though you've mentioned an ex, you're calm and not flustered, and presumably you'll move on to another topic. The new date will not be reading in some non-existent drama. By being able to mention an ex, you've asserted that you aren't hanging on to any baggage.

Now, this does not mean you should bring up exes for the fun of it! All those old rules still apply. But in a long, winding conversation, it's not uncommon to go tripping around those empty, sanitized holes in your history. The question is, what will you do when you stumble into one? Knowing a few escape tactics never hurts.