Relationships

If you're new to online dating, the world of cyber romance is fresh, exhilarating, and rife with nervous excitement. The Internet offers endless possibilities for your love life, from meeting your perfect match halfway across the globe to discovering that the love of your life is a long-lost childhood friend who lives 10 miles away. Online dating means having the chance to connect with millions of people from all walks of life, with diverse and distinctive personalities, interests, hobbies, and ambitions.

Right?

Well...sort of.

As children, we're taught that we are special, one-of-a-kind individuals. Our mannerisms, habits, likes, dislikes, talents, shortcomings, interests, and experiences are unique and exceptional. And while that's true in many ways, spending months, years, or even just a few hours on online dating sites tells a second story: there is a surprising number of ways in which we are alike, too.

Most of us are trained to reject labels and personal categorizations on the grounds that they are unfair, inaccurate, and restrictive, but Internet dating is one situation in which it can actually be beneficial to put aside your aversion to classification. I know it sounds crazy, but trust me on this one. There are three reasons I would encourage you to give categorization a shot:

1. A few photographs and some text in a profile are all you have to go on when determining if you're interested in someone online. If you know what kind of person you're looking for, you can focus on searching for people who fit into that category - or archetype, if you will - instead of wasting your time slogging through a continuous parade of dead-end profiles.
2. Number two is the follow-up to number one: if you know what type of people you are generally not interested in, you can easily avoid them. A word to the wise, however: don't be so picky that you miss out on amazing opportunities! Sometimes good relationships come from unexpected sources.
3. The final reason I would suggest a foray into classification takes its cue from the business and self-improvement worlds: personal branding. When you understand who you are (or who you want others to perceive you as, which may or may not be the same thing) you can ensure that you present yourself in a way that creates the desired impression. Take some time to think about the kind of person you're attracted to. Consider their personality traits, physical appearance, goals, skills, etc., and then determine what archetype or archetypes they represent. Now think about what kind of people your ideal match is attracted to - what archetypes do they epitomize? When you've figured it out, you can modify your profile to present yourself in a way that it is designed to appeal to the people who appeal to you. Your chances of finding love online will increase dramatically.

You can read more about personal branding, impression management, and online identity management on Wikipedia.

Thanks to online dating, it's easy these days to filter out qualities we don't want from ones we do. If you're a vegan and only want to date other animal-friendly types, you can make that part of your search filter.

But are you limiting your options? If you're interested in sports and have only been looking for similar-minded types to date, you may be missing out on some great people who could introduce you to other potential interests, like travel or cooking. After all, you can enjoy some things with your friends, and other activities with a partner. It's not necessary to have so much in common.

Here are some guidelines for expanding your dating search:

Are you willing to try new things? If you're a person who is set in his ways, it may be a lot harder to accept differences in others, but is finding someone exactly like you working out? Try loosening up a bit and going outside of your comfort zone to expand your dating circle. You may be surprised at who you meet and what you can enjoy together.

Does your hobby take up all of your time? For example, if you enjoy playing video games to the point where that's all you do when you come home after work, be open to putting it aside. You must make time to find a new relationship because it won't just come to you.

Can you enjoy your hobby on your own? If you love riding horses but a potential partner prefers to spend his weekends sailing, it's ok to do your own thing and meet up later. Don't feel obligated to like everything your partner likes to do; it's almost impossible for most people. Instead, respect your individual interests, and meet up later to do the things you enjoy doing together.

Can you accept another person's differences? If you are intolerant of your partner's love of steak because you are a strict vegetarian, you may want to reconsider. Just because you have different preferences and ways of looking at the world doesn't mean you should impose your belief system or practices on him. If you are willing to respect each other's likes, dislikes, or practices, the better chance your relationship has of growing and lasting.

It's the start of another television season, and it seems there's quite a bit that's familiar this year. Reboots of old shows, new seasons of reality shows that have been going for years, new versions of the same old shows featuring cops or doctors or lawyers. When you stop to think about it, very little seems original at all.

Dating can be like that, too. Many people get stuck in a rut, rebooting the same old thing, the same partner in this season's clothing. No one wants to be another version of The Couple in Limbo Show (Will they finally make a commitment? Probably not) or The Comfy Couple (No chemistry, safe for the kiddies to watch!) or their own personal story, played out once again. So why do we often seek the same thing, over and over?

Well, television studios do it because they think they know what will work. They know that, for example, people like procedural dramas, so even though there are already five good ones out there, they'll put out another because it has a good shot at being watched. This doesn't mean the viewing public wouldn't love something fresh and original – quite the contrary. But something fresh and original has a greater chance of failing, too. It's a bigger gamble.

Similarly, sometimes we stick with a relationship approach or “type” that's less than optimal because we've experienced it before. No, it's not great, but something unknown is scarier, a greater risk. When faced with several strangers to meet (or email), we might gravitate toward the type we're most familiar with.

Thus, the only way to break out of the rut and get a new plot is for someone to take a gamble. You could sit around and wait for someone completely out of the box to approach you – or you could start to write your own new story. Sure, thinking outside the box might not work out – but on the other hand, you could be creating an entirely new chapter in your life. Are you willing to take a chance?

Moving to a new town or city can be difficult. Depending on how far you've moved, you might have to deal with a new climate, new culture, new food. You don't know many people, if any. And, worse yet, you have no clue where to even begin to meet new friends. Finding romance is just one problem in a string of many.

This is where online dating sites can be quite helpful. Not just to find potential romantic matches, although of course that is a primary function. No, using a dating site can help you scope out your new home – before you even get there.

One way is to do what I call a “friend search,” for members of both sexes. Even if your particular dating site is meant for romance, not friendship, don't worry about it – you won't have to email anyone. What you're doing is looking for people with common interests – not necessarily scoping for friends, but just people similar to you. Then check out their favorite places to go, their favorite activities. Is there an informal baseball team that everyone seems to belong to? A hot restaurant or club that everyone loves? You're learning already. You're figuring out what people in your age range, with your interests, like to do in your new city.

Next, update your profile with your new zip code. If you haven't moved yet, mention in the text that you're moving to your new location soon, and you're looking to meet new people. It might help to include a question, such as, “What restaurant should be first on my list to try?” People love giving advice and opinions. You might have a conversation going with a native before you even arrive! Just remember to update your profile when you actually arrive – it looks funny when you say you'll be moving “soon” for a year.

Don't be afraid to email people! You'll never meet anyone if you don't say hello, and this applies to the online world as well. Even if you don't make a romantic connection, you could still make a new friend – and in a new location, that can be just as valuable. Besides, as your social group expands, who knows who you might be introduced to?

A move to a new place can be daunting, but it doesn't have to be. Thinking outside the box and turning inward, to the internet, can reap rewards – both in friendship and romance.

I recently married after being single for more years than I care to admit. I thought there was something wrong with me, as all of my other friends seemed to find partners and settle down while I was still posting online dating profiles. Then I realized that I was placing more emphasis on timing than on really finding the right person. I was more concerned with how my life compared to others, and it almost sabotaged my love life.

When I met my husband for the first time, I decided to approach dating him in a different way. Instead of analyzing everything, sizing him up, or otherwise trying to “save time” by deciding early on whether or not I should continue dating him, I decided to just enjoy our time together. I would take things one day at a time, without being concerned about whether he was the right one for me. Sure, I was hesitant about our long-term prospects, but I didn’t care. I was enjoying our time together, and decided to go with the flow.

This turned out to be the best decision I ever made.

When we spend the majority of our time analyzing, critiquing, and dismissing our dates, we are doing ourselves and them a disservice. Love is not necessarily an instant feeling, like lust. Rather, it’s an intimacy, a real connection. And one that builds as you spend time together and get to know each other. It also builds as you let go of expectations and control. Many of us want to control our relationships and how they progress, whether we realize it or not. Letting go and allowing relationships to exist and grow on their own is key to recognizing the right person when you see him.

There is another important factor in determining whether or not someone is right for you. Do you tend to fall in love quickly and easily? If so, you may want to separate yourself from your emotions, and listen to your gut. Our intuitions always steer us in the right direction. If he seems perfect, but you can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t quite right, most likely something isn’t quite right. Trust your intuition.

Also, pay attention to his actions as well as his words. If he says all the right things but is not good about returning phone calls, making plans, or treating you with respect and consideration, that is a sign that he may not be who he says he is.

If you find yourself in a dating rut, trust yourself and let go of your old way of doing things. Enjoy the moment when you’re on dates. Don’t try to control the progression of the relationship. And most importantly, pay attention to your instincts, no matter what. When you do these things, it will be clear to you whether or not you’re dating Mr. Right.

When you're single, it can be easy to throw yourself into something else – specifically, your career or job. When one aspect of our life isn't going exactly as we'd like, it makes sense that we'd work even harder to find success in another area.

The problem comes when you've decided you'd like to pursue a relationship, but you have no spare time due to your demanding job. You're now in a chicken-and-egg situation: the job, which fills all extra time nicely, leaves little room for anything else, much less the intoxicating demands of a new relationship. How can you break the cycle?

For those not yet in this exact situation, the best advice is to not let it happen in the first place. Don't fill up every available hour with overtime; set aside social time each week, whether it's going somewhere with friends, joining a club, taking a class, or just watching TV when there's nothing else planned. Having some malleable “me” time makes it easier to adjust to new scenarios, whether it's starting a new relationship or getting a pet.

If you want to break an existing cycle, it will require conscious decisions and effort. Many people think, “Oh, I'll just adjust my schedule when the right one comes along.” The problem is, it can be hard to even meet that right one if you're at work all the time. Joining an online dating site is a good solution for those pressed for time, but remember that you'll be going on dates face-to-face, away from the office – hopefully soon. If you're feeling a bit rusty in social situations, try getting out there with friends, or even alone, before you start emailing. Yes, it might take time away from work – but it's worth it.

Remember: as you get deeper into a relationship, different time demands will be made. Not always more; just different. Getting dressed up for a date a few times a week is not the same thing as coming home to a cozy dinner, but they're equally important. Also, remember that a relationship is comprised of two people, each of whom have their own lives and commitments. Merging those two lives isn't always easy. Maybe work will require an adjustment; maybe it won't. Either way, balancing it with a good relationship is worth the challenge.