Relationships

The study of body language, like the study of any other topic, involves a glossary of terms unique to the subject matter. You've already encountered some - like "eye accessing cues" and "triangulation" - but I would like to go over a few more of my personal favorites that are essential for understanding how to flirt and date effectively.

Up first: proximity. Proximity is defined by Dictionary.com as "nearness in place, time, order, occurrence, or relation." In the world of body language, proximity refers specifically to physical closeness. Modern society, in most countries, is fixated on the idea of "personal space," which means that breaking the rules and ignoring the boundaries of personal space leaves a very powerful impression.

When it comes to flirting and dating, the closer you stand to someone, the more interested you seem. Likewise, if someone is standing unusually close to you, it's safe to assume that they are attracted to you. Men frequently hover near women they are interested in while working up the courage to speak to them, and women often intentionally position themselves near men they are attracted to in hopes that the men will notice and begin talking to them, so it's wise to be aware of your surroundings at all times.

The next term is preening, a word that might not be familiar although the concept probably is. Preening, in the animal kingdom, is a kind of personal grooming, particularly common in birds that clean their feathers using their bills. In humans, preening is strongly flirtatious behavior that disguises itself as personal grooming.

Men and women are, understandably, concerned with their appearance when in the presence of someone they are attracted to, and consequently are constantly making adjustments to it. A woman is preening when she plays with her hair excessively, touches her neck and shoulders, and draws attention to her mouth by licking or biting her lips. A man is preening when he adjusts his hair or clothing, takes a wider stance, and positions himself in a way that makes him appear larger. Both genders flirt by drawing attention to the physical characteristics that make them unique: women hold their shoulders low and thrust their chests out to highlight their breasts, while men rest their hands on their hips or tuck their fingers into their belt loops or pockets to highlight their groins.

The final term I would like to review is mirroring, a body language concept that can be used to your advantage in more than just your love life. Next time you're in a social situation - of any kind - take a moment to observe your interaction closely. Are you and your conversation partner breathing at the same rate? Do you use the same volume, tone, and speed when you speak? Do you move at the same time? Are you sitting in similar positions? If one person adjusts, does the other person adjust to match?

These are all signs of mirroring, which is the replication of another person's actions in a social interaction. Mirroring is normally done without conscious awareness, but you can deliberately duplicate the patterns of movement, speech, and breathing in someone you're on a date with in order to signal your interest and build attraction in them. Just remember to be subtle about it, or you're bound to look a little strange!

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Well, there you have it...a complete rundown of the basics of body language, from head to toe. You now know everything you need to know to pass Body Language 101. You'd better start studying now, because you never know when there might be a pop quiz...

You may be hesitant about choosing photos for your online dating profile. Since this is the first glimpse potential dates will get of you, it's important to look and feel your best. But that doesn't mean posting a photo from 10 years ago or having your friend take a picture of you next to your new car.

In fact, most people gravitate towards pictures that are consistent, clear, and honest, regardless of how photogenic you think you are. Following are some tips to help you make your selection.

Choose current photos. If you don't have any photos taken in the last few months, ask a friend to take some. If you are self-conscious for some reason, like you've gained a lot of weight recently or your hair seems to be thinning, take pictures anyway. It's better to be honest about who you are so that your dates don't feel misled. Would you want to date someone who didn't look like her picture?

Make sure the quality is good. There's nothing more frustrating than trying to decipher a grainy picture. When I was online dating, I would assume the person didn't want me to know what he really looked like, so it was a bit of a turn-off. Make sure you post clear and recent pictures.

Don't hide behind props. Maybe you don't like the way your ears stick out, but please don't wear a hat in every photo. If you post pictures of yourself wearing sunglasses, in hats, behind cars, in costume, or in any other form of disguise, it's a turn-off. People will assume you have something to hide, and you may lose some good prospects.

Take a full body photo. Even if you feel your hips are a little too big or your stomach is bulky, you'll get more responses when you post a full body shot. Attraction varies from person to person, so don't assume everyone will notice the negatives you notice about yourself.

Have fun and post active shots. One of the best ways to attract people searching through online profiles is by posting pictures of yourself doing things you love. If they don't bother to read your profile, at least they can see you like to surf because you posted a picture of you surfing. If you are a musician, post a picture of you performing. This will also help initiate conversation over email.

In my last post, I touched on a subject that some might consider controversial: online dating archetypes, and why finding love online might be one of the few situations in which it's ok to label people. Like many, if not most, of you, I have an intense dislike of being lumped into categories and think it's unfair to place similar restrictions on others - and in most cases, I would vehemently advise against it - but I've found over and over again that describing people using common online dating archetypes can save hours that would otherwise be spent on fruitless searching, futile messaging, and pointless dates.

I asked my friends to weigh in on the issue, and they reported similar findings: they felt that the majority of the people they encounter on online dating sites fall into distinct, recognizable categories, some of which indicate positive characteristics and some of which point towards undesirable traits. Intrigued by their responses, I inquired further, asking my comrades-in-online-dating-arms what archetypes or categories they most often came across. Some of the types of women they most commonly found, in no particular order, were:

1. Women seeking an ego boost. Unfortunately, many female members of online dating sites are not actually looking for love - they're just looking for a little attention and validation. Perhaps these women were recently dumped and need to be assured of their desirability, or maybe they generally have low self-esteem and need the attention to increase their confidence. Whatever the reason, the result is always the same: they receive hundreds of messages, and rarely respond. Beware of women who toy with admirers' emotions in order to feel better about themselves.
2. Women who are too good to be true. The classic rule definitely applies here: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Unless you're using an adult site that caters to low-key hookups, profiles that focus on sex and feature pictures that look like porn stars aren't real. More often than not, they're scammers looking to steal your personal information.
3. Women with children. Being a single mother is difficult, and trying to find a partner when you're a single mother can be even harder. If you love children, or have children of your own, you're in luck - but if you don't envision yourself as a parent any time soon, be up front about it and don't waste the time (or play with the affections) of women you will never be interested in dating seriously.
4. Average women. At first glance, "average" might sound like an unflattering description - average appearance, average education, average career - but don't hesitate to give someone who initially appears average a shot. I encourage all of you to dream big, but it's important not to forget that there must be some sense of reality to your expectations or you will always be disappointed. Most women are not supermodels (and let's be honest - you probably aren't either), but if you find a personality you really connect with, you have a solid foundation for a strong long-term relationship.

That's all for now, but join me next time for a run-down of the kinds of men most commonly found on online dating sites.

By now, you've probably heard that freshening up your profile every few months is a good idea. Including just a few sentences about the current month or the latest movie you've seen instantly dates your profile – in a good way. It keeps it up to date, you're constantly reevaluating and editing it, and it shows that you haven't just put it out there and forgotten about it. However, there's something else that we should remember when we think about keeping up-to-date: ourselves.

Many people who use online dating sites are busy people, and the dating world as a whole is hard on self-esteem. Put those two factors together and you've got a lot of people who probably put everything else before themselves. So, we know how to freshen up our profiles; what about ourselves?

Stick with something small and inexpensive. A haircut is something that can instantly make a person feel more well-kept and neat. If you're looking to drastically change your appearance, however, beware! Try not to go when you're already feeling down – chances are it will make you more critical of the results. A simple trim, however, cleans things up and can put a bounce in your step without being earth-shattering. Someone with long hair might consider a blow-out, instead.

A new outfit – not a new wardrobe, just something simple – can also brighten someone's day. Not everyone likes shopping, but it can be rewarding to find something flattering and stylish. And for those who are self-conscious about how they look, finding clothes they like can be a first step in feeling better about themselves.

It doesn't have to be all about retail therapy; you could try taking a drive out to a beautiful location, just to drink in the view. You could set aside an hour to meditate and relax. You could run a bubble bath. The important thing to remember is that you're pampering yourself, taking time out just for you. A little self-care can refresh your appearance, your attitude, and your soul – a little shot in the arm that we all need every now and then.

Taking a little time for yourself also works great before a date. After all, who would you rather meet on a first date – someone who's grumpy, tired and cynical, or someone who feels refreshed, confident and ready to take on the world? It might seem silly that taking a bath could produce these results, but it's all about what works for you – and thinking of yourself in the first place.

Though dating can be confusing with a lot of mixed signals from both men and women, there are also a few basic rules of etiquette that have become lost in the past few years. Social networking and online dating have brought the dating world to a whole new level in terms of how many people you can meet, but they have also allowed us to slack in terms of manners. Why be on your best behavior when there might be someone "better" around the corner?

But we should be on our best behavior while dating, if only to leave a good impression. Especially if we want a second date!

Some basic rules:

Guys, do not comment on a woman's body. Even if you think she is hot or has a great figure, please do not tell her when you first meet her. This will give her the impression that you're only interested in her body and in having sex with her. Unless this is true, don't portray yourself to be so shallow.

Offer to pay. This goes for both men and women: it's a classy thing to offer to pick up the check on a first date and level the playing field. Although you may want to feel wined and dined, it's not a man's responsibility to pay for everything. Likewise for the guys: if you offer to pay, you'll look like a gentleman.

Keep the conversation light. Even if you just broke up with your crazy boyfriend or had a hard day at work, he doesn't need to hear about it. First date conversation should be light and fun, putting both parties at ease and leaving on a positive note, instead of feeling emotionally drained.

Do not brag. Even if you just bought a new house on the lake or got a promotion at work, a woman doesn't want to hear your list of accomplishments. This is not the way to make a lasting impression. Women are looking for genuine connection, so try engaging her in conversation and asking questions instead of listing off your impressive resume of qualities.

Follow up. If you really liked her, give her a call! There are no rules about waiting anymore. With texting, it's easy to follow up and let someone know you had a good time. And if you ask her out again? Give her a call and make some real plans. Don't leave her hanging with a vague "we should catch up soon".

Are you looking to impress someone you just met, or looking for a way to meet someone new? Halloween is a great time to mix it up a little and try something different. After all, when is a better time to show off your creativity with a fabulous costume?

If you're looking for new date ideas, or places to meet other singles this time of year, here are some suggestions:

Go on a hayride. There are plenty of romantic activities to take part in this month, and a great one is the old-fashioned hayride. Usually during Halloween, they are themed to be scary---a good excuse to cling to each other in the dark. Check your local listings to see where they are offered. If this isn't an option because you're an urban dweller, check out a local haunted house.