Relationships

I've noticed a disturbing trend in online dating profiles lately: people are giving out way too much personal information, whether they realize it or not.

No, I'm not talking about their issues with their mother or their medical history; I mean real, concrete information about themselves, like where they live, where they work, where they can literally be found on most Friday nights.

I think this one stems from the fact that the world of online dating blends all the social worlds together, often in confusing ways. You start out as an anonymous internet user name. You begin to reveal some personal details through emails. When you meet, you've progressed to your real name, and your real face, clear of photoshop touch-ups. Often in the dating stage, more and more specific details – where you work, where you live – are revealed, and theoretically you end in a relationship, where there are very few secrets at all.

You're using the online dating world to move from being an anonymous stranger to a best friend. It's not surprising that progress can be uneven or uncertain at times.

The biggest faux pas I see has to be the reveal of the workplace. Sometimes it's blatantly in the body of the profile: “I work as a copywriter for this not-so-large company!” Sometimes it might be a username that is more obvious than you might think: for example, a girl who works at the Flying Thunder roller coaster at the local amusement park becomes “FTrollergal.” It might not make any sense to the world at large, but to someone local, it's clear as day.

Sometimes, in a larger city, people clarify the specific neighborhood they live in. Occasionally those neighborhoods are really just a street or two. Then they mention they hang out at the local coffee shop every weekend, when there's only one local coffee shop. Instant stalker material.

I know the world of the internet is shrinking, and in general people are less concerned about “putting it all out there,” but we mustn't forget basic safety rules. After all, you might not care that your perfect match knows where you live – but what about all the imperfect matches checking out your page as well?

It's easy to learn tips and tricks when you start out in the world of online dating. After all, if conversation can be said to be an art, so too can online dating (it's just another form of social interaction, after all), and knowing a few tips can ease your way. However, it's easy to forget a simple fact: the goal for many of us in online dating is to form a long-term relationship. And for that, you need instinct as well.

After all, it might be easy for some to be smooth when it comes to small talk, but what about moving to that deeper level? For those Bigger Conversations, it's often better to trust your gut. Each and every relationship is a unique combination of people – what works for one relationship might not work for another.

That being said, that doesn't mean that you're completely adrift and alone once you get past the first date stage. You might be a completely unique combo, but that doesn't mean that listening to people who have been in similar situations, or even knowing some basic human psychology, can't be helpful. Still, there might be a point when you have to say, “I know that x has worked for other people, but I really think that y will work for my relationship.”

Without tips and tricks, what can help you learn to trust your gut? In a word: communication. The best thing about a relationship is that you're actually never adrift and alone – there's another person involved. The better you know your partner, the better you'll know what's appropriate, whether it's knowing when to lean in for that first kiss or talk about being exclusive.

When it comes to decisions within your relationship, you should never be the sole decision-maker. The more communication you have with your partner, the more you'll come to know the both of you. Then, when it comes to those Big Decisions (Should we get married? Should we move across the country?) you won't be going in blind and alone; you'll be together and informed.

Since there's a point in every relationship when tips and tricks aren't enough and you're forging your own path, does this mean tips are useless? Absolutely not. For many, the hardest part of a relationship is just finding the right person, getting through that first date, making that small talk. Making those awkward first moments smoother can be invaluable. It makes sense that the most research and thought would be put into these first meetings – because afterwards, theoretically, you already have a friend to help you along.

"Two weeks ago, I checked the Internet history on my partner's computer. I know it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself! Now I'm glad I did, because I discovered that they've been going to chat rooms to have sex with other people online, and using online dating sites to have real life affairs. What can I do? How did this happen?"

Sound familiar? There's a good chance this is either your story, or the story of someone you know. The online dating boom has brought millions of happy couples together but, thanks to sites on which members identify themselves as "married but that shouldn't matter" and sites dedicated to extramarital affairs like Married Men Seeking Women and the infamous Ashley Madison, it's broken just as many apart.

Online infidelity comes in many shapes and sizes. Some cheaters favor affair-specific sites, while others gravitate towards using social networking sites to connect with friends and former lovers. Others engage in cybersex in chat rooms, flirt in forums, or seek out no-strings-attached hook ups with strangers on adult personals sites.

I know of a neighborhood that decided to rip out their old community pool. It had been empty for years; kids were using it as a skate park. They ripped it out, but they didn't do anything to it afterwards. Now there was a gaping hole without a history, that turned into a mud pit when it rained. I don't think anyone thought it was an improvement.

When we attempt to wipe our own history, we wind up with tons of these; useless holes in the ground that are much more conspicuous than what was there before. What am I talking about? Past relationships. Most of us have them, and we know it's supposed to be bad form to talk about them, especially on a first date. But are there times when not talking about them could be even worse?

Picture this: you're on a date, and the new flame asks you where you learned to roll your own sushi. Well, the true answer is that your ex signed you up for a cooking masterclass. Other than that useful masterclass, it's all you really remember about the ex; it was a brief, almost meaningless relationship. Now, what would be a more appropriate response? Option A: “Oh, it was a birthday present from an ex, years ago.” Option B: “It was a birthday present from... uh... this person... never mind, it's a long story, and not very important.”

Of course, the best option would probably have been to mention the class was a present and leave it at that, but let's assume you had gotten your foot halfway into your mouth already. Option A works because, even though you've mentioned an ex, you're calm and not flustered, and presumably you'll move on to another topic. The new date will not be reading in some non-existent drama. By being able to mention an ex, you've asserted that you aren't hanging on to any baggage.

Now, this does not mean you should bring up exes for the fun of it! All those old rules still apply. But in a long, winding conversation, it's not uncommon to go tripping around those empty, sanitized holes in your history. The question is, what will you do when you stumble into one? Knowing a few escape tactics never hurts.

So, you've decided to sign up for an online dating website, and you're not sure what to say about yourself.

No problem! The site you've chosen has tons of questions to answer about yourself. Sure, you've never really contemplated what you like to do on the third Sunday of every month, but now you realize that you like to sort out the comics section of the newspaper first and read it to your dog! You're writing down stuff you didn't even realize about yourself, and eventually you find your profile is so long that it takes ten seconds to scroll down completely. Perfect!

Well, the dating site might approve, because it likes when you fill in content. However, the readers out there might simply be looking for common interests, and maybe for something that sets you apart. They really don't need to know your life story, or the fact that you still mark your initials on the toes of your socks. They don't want to wade through contemplations on where your life is really headed to find out what restaurants you like.

So, how can you make your profile brief, but interesting and different? Well, you could start by answering the endless prompts that dating sites give you – but don't publish your rambles. Instead, pull out the red pen. Begin by deleting anything that isn't interesting or funny. If you think you might be too biased (hint: if you think everything you say is interesting or funny, you're biased), get a friend to help proofread.

Once you get a stack of interesting and funny bits about yourself, try combining them in different ways. For example, let's say that after editing, the ten things you can't live without has fallen to one. Rather than filling up the other nine with drivel or leaving it lonely, try working that factoid in somewhere else.

It's possible that you might wind up with some joke or trivia bit that simply doesn't fit in anywhere. That's okay – you can use it later in an email or in conversation. You don't have to put everything you have out there on this profile. I always say that a profile should be like the back of a paperback novel; you want the reader to be eager to learn more, but you don't want to give away the whole plot. After all, if you're successful, you'll have all the time in the world to talk about your socks.

If I asked you to name five traits that make a woman attractive, what would you say?

If I asked you to list five traits that make a man attractive, what would your answer be?

Attraction is extremely subjective, so I imagine that the responses will be tremendously varied. Some of you will answer that you prefer dark hair and intelligence, while others will be partial to redheads with sarcastic senses of humor. Some of you will be attracted to the "bad boy" and "party girl" types, while others will be looking for responsible, long term partners they can settle down with. Some will be partial to left-brained people, some will favor right-brained people. Some will like facial hair, some will not. Some will like tall women, some will not. Some will like creative, artsy types, some will not.

What I'm getting at is this: no matter how subjective attraction is, one trait will show up on almost every list. Confidence.

Desirable people, regardless of gender, are self-assured, courageous, and extroverted. They are willing to take risks and unafraid of making mistakes. They dream big and have the motivation, enthusiasm, and dedication it takes to make those dreams reality.

So how do you become that person? How can you boost your confidence and build your charisma so that you are the kind of person everybody wants?

1. Have realistic expectations. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither is confidence. Set small, achievable goals and work towards them at a comfortable pace. If you've always been shy or socially awkward, it's ok to take baby steps and celebrate small successes. Evaluate your growth every couple of weeks, and set new objectives after reviewing your progress.
2. Fake it 'til you make it. That might sound like trite advice, but trust me - it's enormously effective. If you act confident, other people will believe that you are. And the more other people believe that you are, the more you will too. Though your faux self-assurance might feel contrived, embarrassing, and awkward at first, keep at it! As you begin to see the positive effects of your new behavior and fresh mindset, they will become increasingly natural responses.
3. Overcome limiting beliefs. Men and women everywhere are weighed down by negative thoughts about their physical appearance, skills, intelligence, abilities, and self-worth. Every time you catch your mind thinking something limiting about yourself, take a moment to end that train of thought and replace it with something positive. Your actions will not change until your mindset does.
4. Turn the quest for self-improvement into a game. Set goals like "I must make eye contact with everyone I speak to today" or "I will smile at 20 strangers I see on the street this afternoon." If you meet your goals, treat yourself to dinner at your favorite restaurant. If you don't, clean the bathroom you've been avoiding for the past two weeks.

Above all, don't take yourself too seriously. You will make mistakes on occasion, but who cares? Even the most self-assured, successful people slip up sometimes. Accept that you have blundered, learn from the experience, and get on with your life. It's how you deal with the situation that really demonstrates your confidence.