Relationships

In my last post, I touched on a subject that some might consider controversial: online dating archetypes, and why finding love online might be one of the few situations in which it's ok to label people. Like many, if not most, of you, I have an intense dislike of being lumped into categories and think it's unfair to place similar restrictions on others - and in most cases, I would vehemently advise against it - but I've found over and over again that describing people using common online dating archetypes can save hours that would otherwise be spent on fruitless searching, futile messaging, and pointless dates.

I asked my friends to weigh in on the issue, and they reported similar findings: they felt that the majority of the people they encounter on online dating sites fall into distinct, recognizable categories, some of which indicate positive characteristics and some of which point towards undesirable traits. Intrigued by their responses, I inquired further, asking my comrades-in-online-dating-arms what archetypes or categories they most often came across. Some of the types of women they most commonly found, in no particular order, were:

1. Women seeking an ego boost. Unfortunately, many female members of online dating sites are not actually looking for love - they're just looking for a little attention and validation. Perhaps these women were recently dumped and need to be assured of their desirability, or maybe they generally have low self-esteem and need the attention to increase their confidence. Whatever the reason, the result is always the same: they receive hundreds of messages, and rarely respond. Beware of women who toy with admirers' emotions in order to feel better about themselves.
2. Women who are too good to be true. The classic rule definitely applies here: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Unless you're using an adult site that caters to low-key hookups, profiles that focus on sex and feature pictures that look like porn stars aren't real. More often than not, they're scammers looking to steal your personal information.
3. Women with children. Being a single mother is difficult, and trying to find a partner when you're a single mother can be even harder. If you love children, or have children of your own, you're in luck - but if you don't envision yourself as a parent any time soon, be up front about it and don't waste the time (or play with the affections) of women you will never be interested in dating seriously.
4. Average women. At first glance, "average" might sound like an unflattering description - average appearance, average education, average career - but don't hesitate to give someone who initially appears average a shot. I encourage all of you to dream big, but it's important not to forget that there must be some sense of reality to your expectations or you will always be disappointed. Most women are not supermodels (and let's be honest - you probably aren't either), but if you find a personality you really connect with, you have a solid foundation for a strong long-term relationship.

That's all for now, but join me next time for a run-down of the kinds of men most commonly found on online dating sites.

By now, you've probably heard that freshening up your profile every few months is a good idea. Including just a few sentences about the current month or the latest movie you've seen instantly dates your profile – in a good way. It keeps it up to date, you're constantly reevaluating and editing it, and it shows that you haven't just put it out there and forgotten about it. However, there's something else that we should remember when we think about keeping up-to-date: ourselves.

Many people who use online dating sites are busy people, and the dating world as a whole is hard on self-esteem. Put those two factors together and you've got a lot of people who probably put everything else before themselves. So, we know how to freshen up our profiles; what about ourselves?

Stick with something small and inexpensive. A haircut is something that can instantly make a person feel more well-kept and neat. If you're looking to drastically change your appearance, however, beware! Try not to go when you're already feeling down – chances are it will make you more critical of the results. A simple trim, however, cleans things up and can put a bounce in your step without being earth-shattering. Someone with long hair might consider a blow-out, instead.

A new outfit – not a new wardrobe, just something simple – can also brighten someone's day. Not everyone likes shopping, but it can be rewarding to find something flattering and stylish. And for those who are self-conscious about how they look, finding clothes they like can be a first step in feeling better about themselves.

It doesn't have to be all about retail therapy; you could try taking a drive out to a beautiful location, just to drink in the view. You could set aside an hour to meditate and relax. You could run a bubble bath. The important thing to remember is that you're pampering yourself, taking time out just for you. A little self-care can refresh your appearance, your attitude, and your soul – a little shot in the arm that we all need every now and then.

Taking a little time for yourself also works great before a date. After all, who would you rather meet on a first date – someone who's grumpy, tired and cynical, or someone who feels refreshed, confident and ready to take on the world? It might seem silly that taking a bath could produce these results, but it's all about what works for you – and thinking of yourself in the first place.

Though dating can be confusing with a lot of mixed signals from both men and women, there are also a few basic rules of etiquette that have become lost in the past few years. Social networking and online dating have brought the dating world to a whole new level in terms of how many people you can meet, but they have also allowed us to slack in terms of manners. Why be on your best behavior when there might be someone "better" around the corner?

But we should be on our best behavior while dating, if only to leave a good impression. Especially if we want a second date!

Some basic rules:

Guys, do not comment on a woman's body. Even if you think she is hot or has a great figure, please do not tell her when you first meet her. This will give her the impression that you're only interested in her body and in having sex with her. Unless this is true, don't portray yourself to be so shallow.

Offer to pay. This goes for both men and women: it's a classy thing to offer to pick up the check on a first date and level the playing field. Although you may want to feel wined and dined, it's not a man's responsibility to pay for everything. Likewise for the guys: if you offer to pay, you'll look like a gentleman.

Keep the conversation light. Even if you just broke up with your crazy boyfriend or had a hard day at work, he doesn't need to hear about it. First date conversation should be light and fun, putting both parties at ease and leaving on a positive note, instead of feeling emotionally drained.

Do not brag. Even if you just bought a new house on the lake or got a promotion at work, a woman doesn't want to hear your list of accomplishments. This is not the way to make a lasting impression. Women are looking for genuine connection, so try engaging her in conversation and asking questions instead of listing off your impressive resume of qualities.

Follow up. If you really liked her, give her a call! There are no rules about waiting anymore. With texting, it's easy to follow up and let someone know you had a good time. And if you ask her out again? Give her a call and make some real plans. Don't leave her hanging with a vague "we should catch up soon".

Are you looking to impress someone you just met, or looking for a way to meet someone new? Halloween is a great time to mix it up a little and try something different. After all, when is a better time to show off your creativity with a fabulous costume?

If you're looking for new date ideas, or places to meet other singles this time of year, here are some suggestions:

Go on a hayride. There are plenty of romantic activities to take part in this month, and a great one is the old-fashioned hayride. Usually during Halloween, they are themed to be scary---a good excuse to cling to each other in the dark. Check your local listings to see where they are offered. If this isn't an option because you're an urban dweller, check out a local haunted house.

If you're new to online dating, the world of cyber romance is fresh, exhilarating, and rife with nervous excitement. The Internet offers endless possibilities for your love life, from meeting your perfect match halfway across the globe to discovering that the love of your life is a long-lost childhood friend who lives 10 miles away. Online dating means having the chance to connect with millions of people from all walks of life, with diverse and distinctive personalities, interests, hobbies, and ambitions.

Right?

Well...sort of.

As children, we're taught that we are special, one-of-a-kind individuals. Our mannerisms, habits, likes, dislikes, talents, shortcomings, interests, and experiences are unique and exceptional. And while that's true in many ways, spending months, years, or even just a few hours on online dating sites tells a second story: there is a surprising number of ways in which we are alike, too.

Most of us are trained to reject labels and personal categorizations on the grounds that they are unfair, inaccurate, and restrictive, but Internet dating is one situation in which it can actually be beneficial to put aside your aversion to classification. I know it sounds crazy, but trust me on this one. There are three reasons I would encourage you to give categorization a shot:

1. A few photographs and some text in a profile are all you have to go on when determining if you're interested in someone online. If you know what kind of person you're looking for, you can focus on searching for people who fit into that category - or archetype, if you will - instead of wasting your time slogging through a continuous parade of dead-end profiles.
2. Number two is the follow-up to number one: if you know what type of people you are generally not interested in, you can easily avoid them. A word to the wise, however: don't be so picky that you miss out on amazing opportunities! Sometimes good relationships come from unexpected sources.
3. The final reason I would suggest a foray into classification takes its cue from the business and self-improvement worlds: personal branding. When you understand who you are (or who you want others to perceive you as, which may or may not be the same thing) you can ensure that you present yourself in a way that creates the desired impression. Take some time to think about the kind of person you're attracted to. Consider their personality traits, physical appearance, goals, skills, etc., and then determine what archetype or archetypes they represent. Now think about what kind of people your ideal match is attracted to - what archetypes do they epitomize? When you've figured it out, you can modify your profile to present yourself in a way that it is designed to appeal to the people who appeal to you. Your chances of finding love online will increase dramatically.

You can read more about personal branding, impression management, and online identity management on Wikipedia.

Thanks to online dating, it's easy these days to filter out qualities we don't want from ones we do. If you're a vegan and only want to date other animal-friendly types, you can make that part of your search filter.

But are you limiting your options? If you're interested in sports and have only been looking for similar-minded types to date, you may be missing out on some great people who could introduce you to other potential interests, like travel or cooking. After all, you can enjoy some things with your friends, and other activities with a partner. It's not necessary to have so much in common.

Here are some guidelines for expanding your dating search:

Are you willing to try new things? If you're a person who is set in his ways, it may be a lot harder to accept differences in others, but is finding someone exactly like you working out? Try loosening up a bit and going outside of your comfort zone to expand your dating circle. You may be surprised at who you meet and what you can enjoy together.

Does your hobby take up all of your time? For example, if you enjoy playing video games to the point where that's all you do when you come home after work, be open to putting it aside. You must make time to find a new relationship because it won't just come to you.

Can you enjoy your hobby on your own? If you love riding horses but a potential partner prefers to spend his weekends sailing, it's ok to do your own thing and meet up later. Don't feel obligated to like everything your partner likes to do; it's almost impossible for most people. Instead, respect your individual interests, and meet up later to do the things you enjoy doing together.

Can you accept another person's differences? If you are intolerant of your partner's love of steak because you are a strict vegetarian, you may want to reconsider. Just because you have different preferences and ways of looking at the world doesn't mean you should impose your belief system or practices on him. If you are willing to respect each other's likes, dislikes, or practices, the better chance your relationship has of growing and lasting.