Relationships

In parts one and two of this series, we talked about the importance of understanding how to interpret the body language of other people, why it's necessary to learn how to control the signals sent by your own body language, and what a person's head and face can tell you about the inner workings of their mind and their interest in you. Now it's time to continue our quest to understand the basics of body language from head to toe with a discussion of touch and the torso.

What can you learn about a person from their shoulders, arms, and hands? What does it mean if someone touches you? When is it appropriate to initiate physical contact with someone else?

Let's start with the first question. The position of someone's body is almost always a physical representation of their mental state. A person with crossed arms is mentally closed off, for example, while a person who keeps their arms at their side is indicating that they feel emotionally open. If you notice that a date is keeping their arms crossed, they are most likely shy, in a bad mood, or not interested in you. A date with relaxed arms, on the other hand, is indicating that they feel sociable, open to new experiences, and curious about you.

The body language of the hands can be read similarly: relaxed, open palms suggest that a person is feeling open and relaxed internally. Take note of the position of your date's hands to determine if they are comfortable around you, receptive to your advances, and open to exploring whatever possibilities your acquaintance might bring.

Another sign of attraction is the position of your date's shoulders. When we are interested in someone we face them directly and lean slightly in their direction, so if you want to indicate that you're into someone, face them with your shoulders back and your arms at your side, and lean in close.

Slouching, as your parents probably told you, is an extremely grave offense. Not only is it bad for your back, it is unattractive and is a sign of low self-esteem. Maintain proper posture at all times to project confidence, which is universally recognized as one of the most attractive traits for both men and women.

Touch is one of the strongest indicators of interest that you will encounter. When meeting someone you're attracted to for the first time, it's essential for physical contact to begin as soon as possible. I don't mean that you should start pawing a date the second you've exchanged names, but I do mean that you should initiate small physical contact like touching their arm when giving them a compliment right away. It builds rapport, and prevents your date from thinking that touching you is awkward or abnormal when the relationship escalates. Besides, is there a better way to cultivate attraction than to demonstrate just how wonderful it feels to be touched by you, even in a completely platonic way? You can also use touch to determine the level of your date's interest in you. If you touch them and their natural reaction is to touch you back, the attraction is mutual and you have permission to touch them more. When they begin to initiate physical contact, you'll know for sure that they're ready to take the relationship to the next level.

Online dating can be frustrating as well as exciting. Not all of your dates are going to be great. In fact, some may be awful, but these are still good learning experiences and great stories to tell. The most important thing to remember when online dating is to approach it with a sense of fun and light-heartedness.

Because there can be a lot of misunderstandings when you're online dating, I've listed some guidelines for how to create better results and avoid some common mistakes. Remember, your online matches don't know you, so it's important to portray yourself as accurately as possible.

Grammar and spelling. When you create a profile, think of it as a resume. Use complete sentences, spell correctly, and use full words instead of acronyms like LOL. You will look more polished and attractive to potential dates. They will also take you more seriously.

Don't mass email. Even if you have multiple people you'd like to date, don't send them all the same email. Be specific. Read each profile and send separate emails asking questions about their interests, hobbies, the latest place they visited, etc. This goes a long way in attracting a date.

Don't email or call too much before meeting. Cut to the chase so you're not building up unrealistic expectations about your date. Talking briefly on the phone before your first meet-up is fine, but limit your conversations. If you decide you're not attracted when you meet in person, it's easier to go your separate ways.

Don't take down your online profile after the first few dates. Sure, you may feel that you've found the love of your life, but don't remove your profile or expect him to remove his right away. Take your time and date other people. If you want to become exclusive, then have a conversation with him about it. Don't communicate by updating your Facebook status or taking down your profile. Successful relationships come from good communication.

You’re Catholic, and have started dating an amazing guy who is Jewish. Although you always planned to settle down with another Catholic, you find yourself drawn to him and to the relationship. You want to make it work, because you want to be with him. But how do you compromise on something as significant as religious differences?

Compromise is essential in a relationship, but when it comes to religion, there’s a little more to consider. People’s traditions, values, and customs center around religious practices, so religion certainly has an influence on our love lives. So how do we decide what to do?

First, it’s important to assess how religious you are and what you’re willing to compromise. If you don’t attend service regularly and are more flexible in your practices, there is obviously more room for compromise. If religion is more important to you however, it’s important to assess where you can and cannot compromise and discuss your concerns with your partner.

Second, be open to learning about your partner’s religion. If you want to build mutual respect in the relationship, even if you don’t practice the same customs, it’s good to share with each other and learn. This is also a good way to understand similarities between religions as well as differences, which brings you closer in your relationship. And keep in mind, there’s nothing wrong with celebrating different holidays together!

Third, assess how you and your partner feel outside of your religious differences. Be willing to look beyond religion and see how you feel about each other in other aspects of your lives. Although important, religious differences can blind you to other significant factors in a relationship, such as mutual kindness, respect, and integrity. If your partner possesses qualities that are important to you in a relationship, they shouldn’t be overlooked because of religious differences.

An article in Wednesday's Washington Post features women of different generations talking about what their dating deal-breakers are. While young twenty year-olds have grown up in an age of cell phones, Facebook, texting, and generally looser dating rules, there seems to be some similarity in how women of all ages feel they should be treated on a date. And it's important to note, for most women no matter their age, chivalry goes a long way.

Following are some deal- breakers they pointed out:

A man should pick up the check on the first date. This tradition is still a winner among women of all ages. Most feel a man should woo them, at least on the first date, and part of that is picking up the tab. If a guy is slow in reaching for the check, or if he didn't bring enough cash to cover the bill, it's a problem. So guys, please note that if you want to get to the second date, you may want to bring along a credit card.

Leave phones off. Even if you're busy or are expecting a call from your boss, taking a call while you're on the date is a deal-breaker to many women. So, instead of being tempted and leaving it on the table in front of you, turn it off and put it in your pocket so you won't be tempted.

Don't go Facebook crazy. If you had a good date and want to friend her, that's fine. But don't poke her or try to chat with her every time she logs on. Also, don't post irrelevant things on your wall, or it shows her you have too much time on your hands. Facebook use is good, but don't overdo it.

Know something about pop culture. Women feel the need to connect, and one way is to talk about something you have in common or both enjoy. Whether it's a TV show, movie, or the latest political escapade, show that you've been plugged in enough to know what's going on in the world.

You’ve probably heard that “The eyes are the windows to the soul.” Though the origin of the proverb is debated, there’s no debate about its accuracy – the eyes are an incredible source of information about a person’s thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and emotions. But did you know that the eyebrows, tongue, lips, hair, and head angle can also tell you a lot about the inner workings of a person’s mind? Learning how to spot and interpret these signals will allow you to determine a date’s level of interest in you without having to endure the stressful experience of waiting for them to make a definitive move, giving you an invaluable advantage when it comes to your love life.

Some facial body language messages are easy to read, like eye contact. If a date maintains eye contact with you, especially if they do so for a timeframe that is longer than is typically considered socially acceptable, they’re into you. People also tend to blink more frequently when they are enjoying what they are looking at, and subconsciously raise their eyebrows and tilt their heads to indicate interest.

Another very strong sign of attraction is pupil dilation. A person’s pupils dilate when they like something, and contract when they do not. Pupil dilation is also an indication of sexual arousal. Just make sure that you’re not confusing signals of interest with the effects of alcohol or low light, which both dilate pupils naturally.

A woman’s body transmits approximately five times more messages in a given period than a man’s does during the same period of time, so it should come as no surprise that women’s heads and faces tell more tales than men’s. Women flirt by playing with their hair (though in some cases fiddling with hair can also indicate nervousness), touching their mouth, and licking or biting their lips.

One of the most fascinating features of facial body language comes from the world of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). Have you ever noticed that people tend to subconsciously move their eyes while they are thinking? For those who understand how to recognize and interpret these movements, the eyes can provide useful information about how a person’s brain processes and provides information (for instance, do they think using pictures, sounds, or their emotions?).

I could probably fill a book discussing eye accessing cues, so in the interest of time (and your sanity!) I’ll just focus on the eye accessing cue that is most relevant to your love life: triangulation. Triangulation, as you might have guessed, is a recurring combination of three eye movements: looking directly into one eye, then looking into the other eye, followed by looking at the person’s mouth. The repetition of this series of movements forms a triangular pattern that is a very strong indication of the desire to be kissed. If you’re anxiously waiting to be kissed but your partner has not built the courage to initiate it yet, triangulate obviously, letting your eyes linger on their mouth, to let them know that a kiss would be welcomed. Likewise, if you’re waiting for a signal to indicate that you can kiss your partner without fear of rejection, look for signs that they are performing the triangulation routine.

That’s it for the face….up next: what touch and the torso can tell you about a person’s emotions, mental state, and attraction.

Statistics show that communication is approximately 20% vocal tonality, 20% actual spoken language, and a whopping 60% body language. In simple terms: it's not what you say that really counts - it's how you say it.

Body language functions in exactly the same way as spoken languages do, with one major difference: everyone can speak it, but almost no one can read it. Though the human body is constantly transmitting information, most people are unable to consciously translate the messages it sends and therefore miss out on understanding vitally important communiqués in social interactions. If, on the other hand, you're part of the gifted minority that can deliberately interpret body language, you will have access to information about people that they're not even aware they're sharing. Sometimes you will even know people better than they know themselves.

Developing an understanding of body language is essential to learning how to date effectively. From the moment someone meets you, they are subconsciously using your body language to assess and categorize you based on the information they gather. At the same time, their body is sending countless signals that indicate things like their state of mind and level of interest in you. Comprehending body language gives you a huge advantage in the dating game for two reasons:

1) Because you are better able to understand the inner workings of your date's mind.

2) Because it gives you control over your date's perception of you.

If you're skeptical, if you worry that we should not believe so strongly in the power of body language because it could easily be artificially cultivated, keep in mind that body language is controlled by the subconscious mind, which means that no one is aware, unless they have been trained to be, of the messages they are sending. Very few people are able to learn to completely and effectively control their body language, so it is the most accurate representation of a person's true feelings in any given moment.

If you're in a pessimistic state of mind, for instance, your body language will instantly hint at your negative feelings no matter how hard you try to verbally deny them. You will lower your head and keep your eyes on the ground. You will slouch. You will try to make your body as small as possible in an effort to "disappear." Conversely, when you're in a positive mood, your body language will reflect it by making you smile, stand up straight, and maintain eye contact with people. You will nonverbally indicate that you are a high-value person with numerous attractive qualities.

Learn to take responsibility for determining the messages your body sends because you can have an extraordinary degree of control over them, and the reactions they produce, if you study the way body language works. To get you started on the path towards body language mastery, I've put together a series of posts that will break body language down into easily digestible portions. Up first: the face.