Relationships

The other day I saw a an profile from a woman who was clearly self-conscious about her age. She made several jokes about it. Then, she made a “cougar” joke. The only problem? She clearly had the wrong idea about what a “cougar” even was – she thought it was more like a female predator, preying on school-age boys. The joke fell painfully flat, and worse, using a piece of slang incorrectly wound up dating her more than the self-conscious references to her age.

Here's the thing: the worlds of pop culture and the Internet are fast-paced, with jokes and memes and slang constantly updating. Now, some people using online dating sites are well-steeped in that world, and have no trouble mastering the funniest and most up-to-date references. And others, well, maybe their job doesn't utilize a computer, and they only have time to hop on for a few minutes a day, or don't watch much TV. That doesn't mean they aren't allowed to find love online; they simply might want to be a little more careful when they start throwing around in-jokes, or have a friend proofread them.

And what does this really boil down to? Being yourself. If you're not naturally a comedian, you don't need to try to be funny in every sentence. You don't have to be “hip” or “cool” for someone to fall in love with you. You don't need to be glamorous to be attractive.

In fact, if you're trying to be someone you're not, you're probably not attracting the sort of people who are compatible with you in the long term. Thus, you're wasting everyone's time, including your own. Do you really want to spend time trying to conform to what you think others want, or would that energy be better spent searching for someone who will really make you happy?

In short, you don't need to be an expert in what's hot at the moment; just be an expert at your own strengths. A profile is designed to promote not the latest trend, but you – so don't confuse the issue with false advertising.

These days, people prefer texting over calling. It's easier and more efficient to communicate this way, but it can also wreak havoc on your dating life if you're not paying attention to some simple guidelines.

Following are some ways to keep in touch with someone you're interested in, along with some texting etiquette.

DON'T text if you're on a date. Put your cell phone away so you aren't potentially distracted. It's inconsiderate to text someone else while you are supposed to be getting to know your date. Also, if you're talking negatively about your date, you could risk him seeing what you're writing.

DO text after a date. Sending a couple of flirtatious texts after a date keeps the interest going, and lets your date know you'd like to see him again. However, don't get carried away, especially if you're just getting to know each other. Sending 50 texts looks more desperate than attractive!

DO text back promptly. I'm not advocating waiting by your cell phone for the next text from your love interest, but it's good not to let too much time go by before responding. Many people who are single date more than one person at a time, so being prompt at responding lets the person know you're into him or her. Keep it brief, though, and again, don't become addicted to texting. A response is enough.

DON'T text the wrong person. If you don't want to see someone anymore, remember to erase them from your address book (and let them know!). I got a text once from a guy I was interested in thanking me for "a great time last night", but I hadn't seen him in weeks. Obviously, he'd texted the wrong Kelly.

DON'T replace talking things out with texting. All relationships are built on good communication, and texting leaves a lot to the imagination. Emotions can't be conveyed over text, or they can be misinterpreted. If you have a textual misunderstanding, pick up the phone and straighten it out!

You probably weren't surprised to discover that the human face is incredibly expressive, or that a person's hands and arms can serve as methods of nonverbal communication, but you might be more surprised to hear that the lower body can also provide valuable information about someone's subconscious needs and emotions.

That's right, folks, your feet are good for more than just tapping when you're impatient, and your legs are good for more than just supporting your bodyweight. Let's jump (another thing your legs and feet are good for!) right in to today's lesson...

Foot Position: The direction in which a person's feet face, regardless of whether they're sitting or standing, indicates interest. If you notice that your date's feet point directly towards you, their body is sending the unspoken message that they're attracted to you. If your date's feet point away, they are wishing they could escape.

Leg Position: The position of a person's legs reveals the strength of their self-confidence. People who are not confident attempt to make themselves as small as possible, and will cross their legs to indicate that they feel shy or defensive. Constantly shifting weight or changing position is another sign that someone is uncomfortable with the situation they are in. In contrast to those with low self-esteem, person with a high level of self-assurance will stand or sit with their legs spread wide, taking up as much space as possible. A comfortable stance with the legs at shoulder width suggests that a person is relaxed, at ease, and content.

Body Angle: When we are interested in, or feel a connection with, someone, we face them directly and lean slightly towards them. When we are uncomfortable around someone, we lean away from them, stand sideways, turn our backs to them. Keep an eye out for clusters of body language signals: if your date faces you directly with their shoulders, hips, and feet, relaxes their arms, and opens their hands to expose their palms, they are creating a direct line of communication between your bodies that is a very strong indication that they are into you.

To project confidence and avoid seeming needy, your best bet is to combine positive and negative body language. Exhibiting too much negative body language has obvious undesirable effects, but constantly showing positive body language can be disastrous too. Overdosing on positive body language implies that you have low self-esteem and need validation from others, and hints that neediness and dependency will likely be factors in a relationship. Encourage intrigue and keep up an air of mystery by monitoring your body language and regularly changing the messages it sends.

Recently I visited Las Vegas. While I was there, some friends of mine decided to play a game where they attempted to scan the crowd and identify, shall we say, escorts. It proved to be more difficult than they had thought, as many people get dressed in their “party clothes” in Vegas.

I noticed, however, that my friends relied heavily on stereotypes and snap judgments as they made their assumptions. “He seems old enough to be her grandfather.” “Those two just don't 'match' in attractiveness.” “I can't imagine what those two have in common, so there must be something else going on there.”

It makes me wonder how many of those same snap judgments make their way into our own lives, our own relationships. How often do we choose not to email or talk to someone because we think they might be out of our league? How often do we pass someone by because we think they're too old or too young? Perhaps the very reason my friends formed their stereotypes – “these two just don't go together” – is simply because we all reinforce those notions in our own actions, every day.

The next time you're perusing online profiles, think about emailing just one person who falls out of your personal box. It doesn't have to be someone completely out of left field (but then again, why not?). Try expanding the age range in your search, or just emailing the one that has you on the fence every time. Who knows what might come of it?

In the meantime, I know I'll bear in mind that every relationship out there is unique. Forming snap judgments – assuming everything will look just like it does in the movies – is exactly why it can be so difficult to recognize potential love when we stumble across it. Perhaps if we keep our eyes open just a little wider, we'll find new opportunities.

Even if it happened all the way back in kindergarten, chances are most of us have had a friendship that began solely because someone was bold enough to come up to us and ask directly: “Want to be friends?”

It might be easy, now, to look back at that time and think, “Ah, for things to be that simple once again. If only someone would come up to me right now and ask me for a date – but things are more complicated in the world of adults.”

However, on many levels it really is that simple. In any relationship, be it friendship or something more romantic, someone usually has to get the ball rolling – start that first conversation, send that first email, ask for that first drink outside of work or school or the grocery store. And maybe we'll luck out and the person best suited for us is still the bold one, so we won't have to step outside our comfort zone. But maybe the most compatible person for you isn't the sort of person who marches up and asks to be friends. And maybe you aren't either. What to do?

The answer, simply, is this: you might have to step up to the plate and do something that's hard for you. Maybe you'd like to wait for your dream person to email you first. Well, that might work – or maybe you'll have to find them. Maybe it means emailing lots of people, because you might not be able to identify your dream person on sight. It can be hard. But maybe it's even harder for them.

I've come to have such admiration for the little kids who boldly find their new friends on their own. Does it simply not bother them, or do they have more courage than the rest of us? Later in school it was easier to have relationships form organically; you might sit in class with someone for days and get a feel for who they are before you ever have a conversation. I've always been a fan of that (perhaps sneakier) approach.

Once we move into the adult world, however, it seems we revert right back to the sandbox full of unknown children. We don't see compatible people every day at work; single people in a neighborhood don't naturally seek each other out the way kids on a block might. The adult world doesn't naturally foster relationships, so perhaps we should, on some level, revert back to sandbox behavior. So are you going to wait for someone to come up and ask to be friends, or are you going to seek them out yourself?

First dates can be nerve-wracking. You want to make a good impression, to come across as confident, attractive, and a great catch. Sometimes the pressure can be overwhelming, leading you to sweaty palms, stuttering, talking incessantly, and other nervous behavior. So what can you do to calm your nerves and be the person you truly are?

Following are some tips to help:

Go someplace familiar. If you have a favorite restaurant or café that makes you feel comfortable, choose this location for a first date. Comfortable settings help ease the pressure of a first date, rather than trying someplace new.

Do an activity. If you feel pressured about conversation flow and what to talk about, try scheduling a hike, playing pool, or another activity. Being active gives you both something to focus on besides the date, and is also a way to channel nervous energy.

Ask questions. Instead of listing off your successes, the car you drive, or anything else you find brag-worthy on a date, try asking questions instead. It's very attractive when someone wants to know more about you. Doing this also helps you connect and find things in common.

Have a passion? If you are passionate about biking, sailing, or anything else, bring it up! There's nothing more attractive than someone who lights up when talking about a particular subject.

This isn't a job interview! I've said this before, but please lighten up when you're on a date. There's no need to have a serious conversation or ask a million questions to find out if he has everything on your checklist. A first date is an initial meeting to see if there's a spark or potential for connection, not a sales pitch.

Remember, it's a two-way street. If you're on a first date, it's because you met online, got fixed up, or were attracted to each other while waiting in line at the coffee shop. Whatever the case, you are both interested in meeting, so don't feel you have to prove something. Let the date progress naturally, without worrying so much about how you're coming across or what you'll say next.