Relationships

We now know that men are secretly emotional creatures, who feel pressure to hide their emotions in order to conform to traditional ideals of masculinity.

We now know that men suffer from loneliness, and experience empathy.

And we now know that, like it or not, men are hard-wired to ogle every gorgeous woman that walks by.

It's time to continue our countdown down of the 10 things that every woman must know about the fascinating enigma known as the male brain.

6. Men are driven to protect their territory. "Part of the male job, evolutionarily-speaking, is to defend turf," says Dr. Louann Brizendine, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of California, San Francisco. Although more research needs to be conducted in humans, the "defend my turf" area of the brain is larger in other male mammals than it is in females of the same species. Women are afflicted with bouts of possessiveness too, but men are significantly more likely to respond with violence with their territory (physical or romantic) is threatened.

5. Men prefer to exist in established hierarchies. An established chain of command, like that found in the military or in many places of work, reduces testosterone and controls male aggression. Unstable hierarchies, on the other hand, can cause severe anxiety with negative consequences.

4. They might seem like children in adult bodies at times, but men really do mature. If it seems childish to compete for status, mates, and power, that's because it is. The male drive to establish a pecking order amongst each other begins as early as age 6, and continues for a large portion of most men's lives. "Over the course of evolution, men have needed to compete for status and mates while young and emphasize bonding and cooperation when mature," Robin Nixon writes. The natural decline of testosterone over time is likely responsible for the decreased interest in one-upmanship and the increased focus on building relationships and improving the community that occurs with age.

3. Fathers-to-be experience hormonal changes too. In the months before becoming a father, the male brain becomes primed for cooperation. A study in Evolution and Human Behavior found that the level of the hormone prolactin goes up, while the amount of testosterone goes down, which encourages paternal behavior. The pheromones of a man's pregnant partner are possibly the origin of these changes.

2. "Daddy-specific" ways of playing with children can be essential to their development. Conventionally male ways of playing with children - "more rough-housing, more spontaneity, more teasing" - can help prepare children for the real world, increase their confidence, and facilitate learning. Studies have also shown that children with involved dads are less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior.

1. Men really do want to settle down. Of course some men find commitment more difficult than others, but it's a myth that all men are driven to sow their wild oats forever. A 2007 study published in the Proceedings of the Royal Society found that infidelities are most likely to occur before men reach age 30. After that, the primary focus for men becomes providing for their families.

And there you have it! 10 facts about the male brain that might have surprised you. Keep an eye out for a future post or two on the 10 things every man should know about a woman's brain...you didn't think I was going to let the ladies off that easily, did you?

For someone with a busy life, online dating can be a great alternative way to find someone. You can peruse profiles at your leisure, send out first-contact emails at 3am, and take as long to edit that first profile of yours as you want before submitting. Getting started can be done completely on your schedule.

However, there's a fact many busy people forget when they get into online dating: once you've initiated contact with another person, there are now two human beings in the equation. And increasingly, things cannot be done according to only one person's schedule.

For example: you get a response to a first-contact email. We know you're busy, and you want get off on the right foot, so if you're going to be swamped in the next week, email and be honest about it. What not to do: push everything off until after work calms down, a week or a month later. By then, you're even further back than square one; your potential date has probably wondered where you've been or formed some not-so-favorable opinions.

Something else I've seen busy people do: book back-to-back dates. At the same location. We've all been to appointments or interviews, and we all know how this plays out: one meeting runs later than expected, and the next candidate arrives a little early. The result will be awkward at best. Not to mention the fact that you're really doing a disservice to both dates: you'll remember one better than the other, the second one will inevitably be compared to the first, and you might rush the first date because you're nervous about running into the second.

Even if you're exceedingly busy, it's important to remember that a relationship involves two equally important human beings. Online dating is convenient, but it's not an automat delivering a ready-made relationship. A certain amount of work and time is needed to develop a good relationship. Are you hard-pressed to spend time on even a handful of emails or date? Then perhaps it's time to evaluate what it is you do want, and what you're willing to do to achieve it. Having a clear picture of what's expected will avoid awkward situations, and hopefully lead to maximized chances at finding love!

If you've followed this series from the beginning, you now understand how to interpret body language from head to toe. You can communicate using your face, shoulders, torso, arms, hands, hips, legs, and feet. You can read the hidden signals behind touch, eye movements, and body position.

What you haven't mastered yet is successful use of the most obvious form of communication: your voice. Yes, statistics show that the majority of communication is nonverbal, but that doesn't mean that we can ignore the importance of speech. In my first post on body language, I mentioned that, more often than not, "it's not what you say that really counts - it's how you say it."

So how do you say it?

• Say it slowly. Rapid speech suggests that the speaker possesses a host of negative qualities. A person who speaks in a rushed manner is either frightened, agitated, hiding something, or suffering from anxiety in social situations. Speech that is slow, on the other hand, demands attention and respect, and indicates that the speaker is secure and confident.

• Say it from the right source. Your voice has two major sources: your throat and your abdomen. When you speak with your throat, you produce a sound with a higher pitch and range, and are able to speak quickly and project sound over larger distances. When you speak using the deeper sounds created by your abdomen, the vibrations produced are felt by your listeners on an unconscious level, so what you're saying (quite literally) resonates with them on both a physical and an emotional level. When you're in the lighthearted, playful flirting stage of a date, speak using your throat. When you're ready to take things to the next level and start building a deep sense of rapport with your date, use the more powerful voice that originates in your abdomen.

• Say it with the proper inflection. There are few things more obnoxious than attempting to hold a conversation with someone who consistently ends their sentences on up-notes that make them sound like questions. We speak that way instinctively when we don't know what we're talking about, so when you do it all the time it gives the impression that you never know what you're talking about. If you're questioning yourself, why shouldn't your date do the same? Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure that's not the impression you want to leave. Instead, end your sentences with decisive down-notes to leave a positive impression that indicates that you are confident and commanding.

• Say it without the use of fillers. "Um's" and "Uh's" have no place in your conversations. Filler words imply that A) You are unsure of what you're saying, and B) You're afraid of letting silence happen. Both are problems for the reasons we discussed above: only people who lack confidence speak without assurance and are afraid to face silences. It might be uncomfortable at first, but you must learn to embrace quiet - silence is actually an extremely powerful element of communication, and it's always preferable to a collection of silly filler words.

You're almost ready to pass the final exam for Body Language 101! Join me next time for the final post in this series, in which we'll go over a few of the more complicated terms in the body language dictionary.

If you've been on a date with a guy you found very attractive, but he never called you back, do you wonder why? First impressions are very powerful, and sometimes a thoughtless gesture or behavior could mean the difference between a second date and the disappearing act.

Following are some turn-ons and turn-offs for guys when it comes to first dates:

Don't drink too much. Sure, you may be able to handle your liquor and you want to keep up with him. But if you drink on an empty stomach or too quickly, you can quickly go from "slightly buzzed" to "drunk" and say or do things you'll later regret.

Dress sexy, not slutty. Instead of wearing your short shorts or showing off your cleavage, leave something to his imagination on a first date. Otherwise, he may get the impression you are looking for fun and not a relationship, and act accordingly.

Remember your manners. It's polite to thank your date if he picks up the bar tab or buys you a coffee, and it also shows you don't take things for granted. Also, it's great to ask questions because you're interested in your date, but don't cross-examine or act like you're conducting a job interview. Loosen up and let conversation flow.

Remember to smile and laugh. Sometimes, dating can feel serious. If you are exhausted or frustrated with dating, please don't share this attitude with your date! You will be more attractive and have a better time if you approach it with a sense of lightheartedness and adventure.

Don't come on too strong. You may have a big personality, like arguing your viewpoint, or find yourself controlling all of your conversations. If this is the case, take a breath and allow your date to steer the conversation. Every first date deserves a little give and take, so don't try to control the evening. Relax and get to know him first.

Ever wondered what's really going on in men's brains?

Are they actually less emotional than women? Is their mind really focused on sex 99.9% of the time? Are the stereotypes of masculinity based on fact or are they entirely fiction?

"Most popular notions about the male brain are based on studies of men ages 18 to 22," LiveScience.com writer Robin Nixon notes, when they are just "undergrads subjecting themselves to experiments for beer money or course credit." But the male mind is far more complex than the impression given by a brief four years of research, and a look at the way it varies over an entire life span quickly contradicts the myth of men as Bud-guzzling sex addicts. For instance...

10. Men are more emotional than you think. Women are traditionally regarded as the more emotional sex, but studies have found that infant boys are more emotionally reactive and expressive than their female counterparts. A study published in the Scandinavian Journal of Psychology in 2008 confirmed that adult men also have slightly stronger emotional reactions than women, though once their emotions move from the subconscious to the conscious mind, men quickly bury them in order to conform to the societal ideal that has declared the expression of feelings "unmanly."

9. Men are also more susceptible to loneliness. Loneliness is harmful to everyone's health, says Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of The Male Brain, but older men appear to be exceptionally vulnerable. When a woman is lonely, she will reach out and attempt to end her isolation; when a man is lonely, it's likely that he will not reach out, which intensifies the loneliness and causes additional problems in the brain's social circuits. The solution to this problem is simple: find a partner. Men in stable relationships "tend to be healthier, live longer and have hormone levels that indicate decreased anxiety."

8. Men do experience empathy. If you think women are the only gender capable of feeling sympathy and compassion, think again. Researchers have found that the empathy system of the male brain does respond when someone is experiencing a problem, though the region of the brain designed to find solutions to predicaments quickly takes over. Consequently, "men tend to be more concerned with fixing a problem than showing solidarity in feeling."

7. Yes, men really are hard-wired to check out women. It's just a fact - testosterone is the hormone of the libido, and "guys have six times the amount surging through their veins as women." Pranjal Mehta, a social psychologist at Columbia University, and her colleagues found that testosterone weakens the impulse-control center of the brain, which means that when men are checking out women, they are responding to a natural unconscious drive that controls them as though they are on auto-pilot.

Stay tuned for the final 6 facts you must know about men's brains, when we take on questions like "Are they really ready for fatherhood?" "Will they ever settle down?" and - perhaps most importantly - "Do they ever grow up?!"

Most of us have been hurt from a relationship. Sometimes it is hard to move past our scars and trust someone again, though this is essential to developing a relationship with someone new.

Do you find yourself getting frustrated on dates, or feeling cynical about the types of people you're meeting? Instead of looking outward and deciding how wrong everyone else is for you, take some time to focus on what baggage you might be bringing to the dating table:

Holding grudges. Maybe you've had a few relationships where people took advantage of you, emotionally or financially. Instead of calling all women gold-diggers or all men players, remember that each person deserves the benefit of the doubt when it comes to meeting them for the first time. If you have a chip on your shoulder, it will send the wrong message to a potentially great date.

Crossing off certain "types". If you primarily dated lawyers without much success, crossing all lawyers off your list will only succeed in limiting your choices. Instead of lumping all lawyers into the "bad relationship" category, open your heart and get to know the individuals you meet. Besides, your list will only grow longer the more you date if this is how you operate.

Having an extensive list. Ladies, this is for you. If you have an extensive list of everything you do and don't want in a partner, nobody is going to measure up! Make sure you prioritize and think about what you truly want in a relationship, rather than the perfect date.

Waiting. If you spend a lot of time in your apartment watching Tivo and ignoring invitations to parties and blind dates, you aren't doing yourself any favors. You won't meet anyone without trying, and that means getting out there. Even if you endure a lot of bad dates, you'll also have a lot of experiences that will help you understand what you truly want in a relationship, and you're that much closer to finding the right one.

Surrounding yourself with negative people. Sure, it's fun to join your friends at the bar and discuss how awful your dates have been over *censored*tails. But is this helping any of you date better? Instead of constantly complaining about how things are going, try hanging out with friends who are in successful relationships, and ask them how they did it. Changing your attitude will help attract more positive people to you, and lead you to better relationship candidates.

Most of us have been hurt from a relationship.Sometimes it is hard to move past our scars and trust someone again, though this is essential to developing a relationship with someone new.