Relationships

It’s natural to want an “edge” on the game of dating. There’s so much uncertainty when it comes to love that, like poker, we seek to control as many of the variables as we can. Lately, a popular “trick” in the first-date arsenal is analyzing body language.

Body language is one of those things that we often pick up on subconsciously, but supposedly certain “tells” will let you know without a doubt if your date is interested or not. Are they really foolproof? Well, let’s look at some of the most common ones and decide for ourselves.

One of the most common clues that your date is having a good time involves the angle of the entire body. If your date is angled toward you, or leaning forward, or even crossing their legs toward you, these are all considered very good signs. Other clues involve the face - eye contact is, understandably, positive, as are smaller signals like licking lips.

Conversely, the absence of all these indicates an uninterested date. If they have their arms crossed, they might be placing a defensive “shield” between the two of you. If their legs are crossed away, if they look uncomfortable, or keep a distance between the two of you, the date might be headed downward.

But are these signs really accurate? It’s easy to get a number of “false positives” or “false negatives.” For example, anyone who’s ever sat with crossed legs knows it can get uncomfortable after awhile; eventually you have to switch to the opposite side. Your date might be licking their lips because they’re chapped. Your arms might be crossed because you’re cold or tired. And even the most uncomfortable, distant-looking date could simply be having digestive problems.

Ultimately, whether you’re analyzing every word of a profile or the smallest facial twitch, there’s no foolproof way to get an “edge” on dating. Sure, it’s good to know the basics, just in case you catch a blatant signal; however, remember that we also do all of this analysis subconsciously. Perhaps, at times, it’s best to let the primal parts of our brains do the work, and simply enjoy a date.

As children, most of us are taught that we must believe in ourselves, that we are special, and that we can achieve anything if we put our minds to it. It's a message that sounds extremely positive, but is it harming our chances of finding love later in life?

Some people, like author and NPR commentator Lori Gottlieb, think so. Gottlieb is the author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough, a book that turned the relationship world upside down earlier this year. After years of searching for the perfect mate and deciding to become a single parent, Gottlieb took a long, hard look at her dating habits - and the dating habits of women around her - in an attempt to discover why so many women had difficulty finding a suitable partner. Her conclusion will surprise many and offend many others: the problem is not a lack of good men, it is women's excessively high expectations of them.

In the wake of feminism, most women are taught that they can have and do anything they want, all on their own terms. As a consequence, many of us have developed an image of our ideal mate, and we are told that we must not compromise that vision. In simple terms: if we want it all, we can have it all.

That idea, Gottlieb argues, is why so many women will end up alone. Though it began as an empowering message that helped many women believe that they deserve a good partner, modern women have taken the feminist ideal to an extreme, and now hold men to standards that are so high they cannot be reached. Countless women, Gottlieb claims, will leave good relationships based on the vague feeing that they will find something better with someone else, and will come to regret their decisions later on when their choices diminish. In other words: perfection doesn't exist, do why waste time searching for it?

For many - myself included - it's a difficult pill to swallow. A part of us, even if we know it's unrealistic, still holds on to the ideal of the fairytale romances in the Disney movies we watched as children. "Settling" is an ugly word.

Fortunately, Gottlieb's proposal is not as depressing as it first seems. Confidence is a good thing - but taking it to an extreme, becoming so picky and entitled that no one can live up to your standards, is not. By overanalyzing and setting the bar at such an impossible height, we're setting all of our potential partners up for failure. We're flawed - so why can't they be?

Don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting that anyone should settle for someone who doesn't make them happy and doesn't fulfill their needs, and Gottlieb isn't either. All we're asking for is a little equality. You expect men to accept your flaws and cherish your humanity, so isn't it fair that you do the same for them? And in the long run, won't that kind of understanding and acceptance lead to a deeper, more genuine love anyway?

There's a balance between fantasy romance and a realistic relationship - you just have to find it.

Recently I came across a rather strange profile. The default picture was of two men at a wedding. Both were nice-looking; however, I had no idea which one was actually the author of the profile. Clicking on the “more pictures” section led to several more pictures from the same wedding, with the same set of guys. It wasn’t until the fifth or sixth picture on the list that I eventually figured out who I was supposed to be noticing.

Even then, the solo pictures were lacking. Oh, sure, the guy had a great smile and looked kind. The photos were of good quality and didn’t look like they were taken in the 1980’s. The problem was that it was almost impossible to make out the man’s great smile, because he would be one small point in a large picture of a canyon or a forest or a theme park. Once again, I was distracted by almost everything else but him.

His pictures were not bad. He was not unattractive. His big problem is simply that he has not made friends with a simple tool: the crop feature. Each and every one of his picture problems could have been remedied by cropping himself out of the photo and possibly resizing to make himself bigger. Now there would be no comparison or confusion against his buddy from the wedding. Now he wouldn’t be overshadowed by landscaping. And most importantly, the focus would be on his assets: his friendly face and great smile, now larger than a few pixels.

This man is not the only one who needs to become friendlier with cropping. Particularly when you’re choosing or creating a default picture, crop can be your best friend. Putting the focus on your face means that the viewer sees you immediately, instead of squinting at a strange blurb of a busy thumbnail.

Now, can this rule be broken? Sure. If the focus of the picture is some sort of action, like skydiving, you might want to leave in the panoramic view. But if it’s just a crowded room with a bunch of people standing around, it’s time to frame what’s important.

As you choose your default picture, and ultimately all the rest that will be on your profile, consider: is the focus where it belongs?

If you need to get a professional photographer for your online dating pictures, check out our review of Look Better Online.

We now know that women experience adolescence twice in their lives, in a phenomenon called "perimenopause."

We now know that birth and pregnancy cause changes in the brain as well as the body.

And we now know that women become more interested in engaging in potentially risky behavior as they grow older, unlike their male counterparts who show an increased interest in stability and relationships as they age.

It's time to continue our countdown of the 10 things that every man must know about the intriguingly complex female brain.

6. A woman's sex drive is more fickle than a man's. In order for a woman to become aroused, particularly if orgasm is the goal, certain areas of her brain must shut down. Unfortunately, it's very easy for those areas to turn back on again. Large problems, like anger or trust issues, and major events like pregnancy and menopause can disrupt a woman's sex drive as well as seemingly inconsequential circumstances (like chilly feet, according to LiveScience's original article). Dr. Louann Brizendine of the University of California in San Francisco recommends planning ahead when trying to keep a woman turned on. "For guys," she notes, "foreplay is everything that happens three minutes before insertion. For women, it is everything that happens 24 hours beforehand."

5. Women avoid aggression. Anne Campbell of Durham University theorizes that "women may have evolved to avoid physical aggression because of the greater dependence of children on their survival." The tendency to avoid conflict in favor of forming strategic associations and dealing with confrontation in indirect ways is known as the "tend or befriend" response, the feminine equivalent of the "fight or flight" response in men.

4. Female brains respond to pain and fear differently than male brains. Studies have shown that the female brain is more sensitive to these sensations than the male brain, and that "the female brain is not only more responsive to small amounts of stress, but is less able to habituate to high levels of stress." Findings such as these potentially explain why women are more likely to suffer from anxiety disorders, PTSD, and depression.

3. Women dislike conflict, but dislike unresponsiveness even more. Women are hyper-sensitive when it comes to understanding interpersonal cues, a skill that they have probably developed in order to avoid conflict more effectively. Because of their strong communication skills, women often find it particularly frustrating to receive no response whatsoever. In fact, receiving a negative response can oftentimes be more desirable than receiving no response at all!

2. Women might not be mind readers, but they are extremely intuitive. This seemingly "psychic" power has its roots in biology, says Brizendine, not magic. "Over the course of evolution," Robin Nixon writes, "women may have been selected for their ability to keep young preverbal humans alive...without it being directly communicated. This is one explanation for why women consistently score higher than men on tests that require reading nonverbal cues."

1. PMS is not the only way a woman's menstrual cycle affects her. A woman's hormone levels are in a constant state of fluctuation, meaning that her "outlook, energy and sensitivity" are also continuously changing. According to Dr. Brizendine, women tend to feel sassier approximately 10 days after menstruation, right before ovulation begins. They also tend to dress sexier, as an influx of testosterone and estrogen causes them to unconsciously seek out sexual opportunities while they are in a fertile state. A week later, progesterone rises, causing women to feel, in Brizendine's words, "like cuddling up with a hot cup of tea and a good book." Finally, in the following week, progesterone withdrawal makes women irritable and emotional. In most instances, a woman's mood is at its worst 12-24 hours before her period begins.

It's a new year, which means a time to make real changes in our lives. While resolutions can be difficult to initiate and maintain, they help us improve the parts of our lives that we feel are lacking.

If you're looking to create more dating success in 2011, I've put together a list of five mistakes you should stop making to improve your results.

Stop being flaky. Sure, we all get busy at work. There are also times when we don't want to call someone back if the chemistry wasn't there on a first date. But this is no excuse for letting calls go to voicemail unreturned or for texts to remain unanswered. Make plans when you can follow through. Or let the person know you aren't interested, so both of you can move on.

Don't fake it. If you're interested in someone and want to impress her, you won't get far if you aren't true to yourself. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. Instead of looking to impress, ask questions and get to really know your date instead of making assumptions about what she wants. She could surprise you.

Leave the critic at home. If you find yourself dismissing dates within the first few minutes of meeting for something trivial (i.e. "I can't believe he wore a baseball cap on a date"), then you need to loosen your standards. Instead of being immediately critical, get to know your date and have a little more fun. How can you ever get past a first date if you're too busy critiquing?

Don't expect dates to come to you. This is not about joining one or two online dating sites and waiting to see what happens, but actively putting yourself in the dating market. Check your online dating matches and respond regularly. Attend parties, events, and classes and introduce yourself. Answer texts and emails promptly. Talk to the guy in line next to you at Starbucks. You won't see results without actively seeking them.

Don't let disappointment and negativity take over. So, he didn't call you back? Consider your budding romance a thing of the past and move on to other prospects. Remember that a few bad experiences don't make bad dates or inconsiderate behavior the norm.

Happy New Year!

I know someone, “Mary,” who likes to fill in everyone on the slightest romantic development. “I met someone at the mall!” “This guy left a promising message on my blog!” “I’m going out for coffee!” There’s nothing wrong with this, on the surface; Mary simply wears her heart on her sleeve, and likes to share her excitement with the world.

What she doesn’t like, however, is when she runs into someone she hasn’t seen in awhile (or maybe even a week), and they bring up the last bit of news they remember. “So,” they might ask, “how did coffee with that one guy go?” If it didn’t go well, Mary has to break the news. She often feels embarrassed, and angry - that they shouldn’t have brought it up unless she had. While she may be right on some of the finer points of etiquette, it raises an interesting issue: who should you tell about budding romances? And when?

The “who” might be simpler than it seems. I personally like a simple mantra for the beginning of a relationship (or even before, such as when you’re emailing or about to go on a date): “Don’t tell anyone you might feel embarrassed telling if you broke up.” This means your closest friends and family are fine, but you might want to wait a little on your co-workers.

It can be tempting to spill the details earlier than you intend when there’s someone obnoxiously interested in your love life. You know the kind: the person who always asks if you’re still single, or when you’re going to “settle down.” When that person asks with a smirk if you’ve had any dates lately, it’s quite natural to want to say, “In fact, yes! I’m meeting a great person for coffee later this week!” However, I urge self-control. Better to not give that kind of person any additional ammo, after all. Simply smile and say something along the lines of, “Oh, my social calendar’s far from empty,” if you must, but absolutely no details or timelines.

So when do you fill in everyone else? Individually, as it comes up. Bringing your date to the office holiday party? They’ll know then. Someone trying to set you up? “Sorry, I’m taken.” Even then, give minimal detail; if they were closer to you they’d know this sort of thing already. Otherwise, they might simply be trolling for gossip.

It can be tempting to shout your new relationship from the rooftops, but casually letting someone know when you’re established - and keeping mum when you’re not - will lead to meetings with acquaintances that are smoother and less awkward for everyone.