Can High Self-Esteem Be A Barrier To Finding Love?

As children, most of us are taught that we must believe in ourselves, that we are special, and that we can achieve anything if we put our minds to it. It's a message that sounds extremely positive, but is it harming our chances of finding love later in life?

Some people, like author and NPR commentator Lori Gottlieb, think so. Gottlieb is the author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough, a book that turned the relationship world upside down earlier this year. After years of searching for the perfect mate and deciding to become a single parent, Gottlieb took a long, hard look at her dating habits - and the dating habits of women around her - in an attempt to discover why so many women had difficulty finding a suitable partner. Her conclusion will surprise many and offend many others: the problem is not a lack of good men, it is women's excessively high expectations of them.

In the wake of feminism, most women are taught that they can have and do anything they want, all on their own terms. As a consequence, many of us have developed an image of our ideal mate, and we are told that we must not compromise that vision. In simple terms: if we want it all, we can have it all.

That idea, Gottlieb argues, is why so many women will end up alone. Though it began as an empowering message that helped many women believe that they deserve a good partner, modern women have taken the feminist ideal to an extreme, and now hold men to standards that are so high they cannot be reached. Countless women, Gottlieb claims, will leave good relationships based on the vague feeing that they will find something better with someone else, and will come to regret their decisions later on when their choices diminish. In other words: perfection doesn't exist, do why waste time searching for it?

For many - myself included - it's a difficult pill to swallow. A part of us, even if we know it's unrealistic, still holds on to the ideal of the fairytale romances in the Disney movies we watched as children. "Settling" is an ugly word.

Fortunately, Gottlieb's proposal is not as depressing as it first seems. Confidence is a good thing - but taking it to an extreme, becoming so picky and entitled that no one can live up to your standards, is not. By overanalyzing and setting the bar at such an impossible height, we're setting all of our potential partners up for failure. We're flawed - so why can't they be?

Don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting that anyone should settle for someone who doesn't make them happy and doesn't fulfill their needs, and Gottlieb isn't either. All we're asking for is a little equality. You expect men to accept your flaws and cherish your humanity, so isn't it fair that you do the same for them? And in the long run, won't that kind of understanding and acceptance lead to a deeper, more genuine love anyway?

There's a balance between fantasy romance and a realistic relationship - you just have to find it.