Relationships

You’ve probably heard time and time again that it’s good to smile in your online dating profile default pic - and for the most part, this is true. After all, when you smile, you typically avoid that “mugshot” face. You appear less intimidating and more approachable. And we subconsciously mirror the expressions we see, so if someone sees you smiling, they’ll smile back - and probably feel more warmly toward you as a result.

However, this only really applies when it comes to genuine smiles - and most people can tell the difference, consciously or not, between a genuine smile and a fake smile. Therefore, if you have a candid photo where you’re laughing or smiling naturally, it’s almost always good to include it, even if you think you look silly. Most of us don’t have a photographer on hand to make us laugh, however, and we wind up trying to take our own self-portrait. And when it comes to a genuine smile, that can be tricky.

One of the upsides to digital cameras is that you can take endless amounts of pictures and delete them if they’re bad. However, I’ve seen some people become too picky. They might have a great photo of their smile, but reject it because a piece of hair is out of place. Think about the profiles you’ve seen of other people: do you remember the details, or the general emotions they stirred?

By far the biggest problem in self portraits lies in the windows to the soul: the eyes. A tell-tale sign of a fake smile is the eyes. In most people, eyes crinkle up a bit at the corners when they’re genuinely happy. However, I know people who purposely widen their eyes when they take a photo - because they don’t want to look too “squinty.” Have you ever seen someone with a wide smile and equally wide eyes? Plainly put, it looks creepy.

If you’re looking to smile in your online profile photos, try to smile for legitimate reasons. Put on a funny movie in the background. Loosen up and take photos of silly faces to make the camera less intimidating. And remember, it’s far better to go for a real smile that might not be the most flattering ever, than a perfectly polished picture with a false, scary grin.

As we say goodbye to 2010, we should also say goodbye to some dating habits that didn't serve us in the past. I've put together a list of dating don'ts so that you will see better results (and have a better time in the process) in 2011.

For the men:

Don't be cheap. Sure, women should offer to pay on a date, but have some class and offer to pick up the tab. You can choose where to go...if you don't have much money, don't go to a trendy restaurant...we like creative choices better, like an art gallery opening or picnic in the park. Use your imagination.

Don't be a flake. Most women complain about men who don't call back, cancel plans frequently, or otherwise show disinterest. If you like her, call her and ask her out. If not, tell her she's not for you.

Leave the past behind. If you just broke up with your girlfriend, your new date doesn't need to hear about it. Even if she's a "great listener", she'd rather be getting a root canal than listening to all the things your ex has done wrong. Give it a rest, and focus on your date.

For the women:

Don't be a gold-digger. While it's nice if a man takes you to nice places and pays for everything, offer to pay for something yourself. Whether it's valet parking, the tip, or some drinks, he deserves some courtesy so he doesn't feel like you're taking advantage.

Don't get drunk. Maybe having a drink or two helps you relax, but if you drink quickly and find yourself losing control of your senses, you put yourself in a vulnerable position, especially if you're meeting your date for the first time. Slow down.

Don't talk excessively. Even if your job is interesting, your day was filled with drama, or you like just chatting it up, don't spend the evening talking about your life, problems, etc. It's better to ask questions and engage your date, and spend a little more time flirting. Remember, you're trying to get to know your date as well as tell him about yourself.

It can be difficult to get advice about dating and love from friends and family members; often, the difficulty exists because of cultural differences. “Cultural differences” doesn’t just refer to customs from another country; it can be a generation gap, or even a regional one. After all, while your grandmother might not have had an arranged marriage, she might have met her husband at a chaperoned taffy pull. Not many of those around today.

Similarly, using an online dating site can cause a cultural disconnect. Sure, dating is just dating - two people meet, fall in love, live happily ever after. Still, for some the method obscures the motivation.

How do we cope with the cultural difference? Well, try coming up with something the audience can connect to. For example, for more old-fashioned friends and family members, try underscoring the similarities to traditional dating instead of the differences. Getting to know someone online through emails and profiles is, in some ways, more “traditional” than hooking up with someone at a bar. For those who feel online dating is too much of a commitment for “someone you haven’t met in person,” remind them that you’re just agreeing to a date or meetup, not a marriage, and in fact it’s quite similar to giving your phone number to someone you’ve just met.

However, the biggest cultural obstacle may be your own internal prejudices and pre-conceived notions. Online dating sites are still relatively new; not everyone who signs up with a profile truly believes they could meet someone compatible. Dating is, in some respects, a numbers game, and only when you truly commit to the process (sending out first-contact emails, updating your profile and pictures faithfully, encouraging conversations) can you maximize your chances of success. Don’t let doubt and skepticism hinder you.

As for everyone else, try to have a little patience when you get the occasional raised eyebrow at the phrase “online dating.” We all have our own cultural norms - and to you a chaperoned taffy pull might not sound like romance in the making!

When I was online dating, if I was matched with a single Dad I immediately hit the "delete" key. Single fathers came ready-made with baggage, and I wanted no part. Ironically, I ended up marrying one.

A recent article in news website the Star noted that nearly 70% of childless Canadian women on eHarmony refuse to be matched with men who have children. On the other hand, 63% of men won't be matched with single Moms.

"Children add an extra layer of challenge to dating," says Dr. Gian Gonzaga, senior director of research and development for eHarmony Labs. "The concern women have is that they can never be the only person in his life because there is a child who is going to take some of his attention."

While dating a single parent definitely presents additional complications, should it really be a deal-breaker? After all, roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce, and many divorcees have children. They make up a large portion of the single population, so should they be dismissed by those who don't have children?

I was open to the idea of dating my current husband despite my reservations, and as a result I've found a fulfilling relationship that I never expected. Part of the reason I fell in love with him was because I saw how he interacted with his children. I saw the caring, nurturing side, and not just the candidate for a boyfriend.

However, I will say that it takes some adjustments, and it's not for everyone. There are times when it can be difficult and emotional, and other times when it's very rewarding to spend time with someone else's children. It depends on your relationship with the person you're dating, and his relationship with his children.

According to the Star, Patti Henry, a psychotherapist and author of The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing tells her female clients to look for signs when they consider dating a single father. "If he's protective of his children by not wanting the woman to meet his kids for like six months, green flag. If he gets his emotional needs met by other adults . . . and not his children, green flag. If he is wise with his children when they screw up . . . green flag."

If you are a single parent looking to try online dating, check out our list of Single Parent Dating Sites. These niche dating services are tailored made for singles with children and singles who do not mind if their matches have children.

I know of a man who has a bit of an unusual prejudice when it comes to dating. It has to do with what he calls “baggage.” You see, he’s not that far from age forty, and he’s well aware that women his age might very well have been married before, or had children. And he’s okay with that; in fact, if a woman does not have “baggage,” he assumes there’s something wrong with her.

I could dismiss this as simply one man’s strange quirk, but the more I thought about it, I realized that it could stem partially from a societal double standard. Though we logically understand that adult women can have lives that don’t include marriage or children, many people still assume that it’s the primary goal for women aged eighteen and up. It’s sort of funny and unusual that this guy considers women without “baggage” damaged, but a woman thinking the same thing about a man might be looked at even more strangely, because it’s more acceptable for men to stay unmarried for a longer time and focus on their careers.

However, this also brings up another point about adults and the dating world that I’d like to address. When you’re dating and in your twenties, one might consider the whole process more simple - you haven’t lived much beyond college or the first few years of working. Now consider someone double that age, in their forties. They’ve literally lived an entire extra life, one spent entirely as an adult. Maybe they’ve achieved the dreams of their twenty-something self. Maybe life circumstances forced them in another direction. Maybe they’re just now realizing what they truly want in life.

The point is, you can’t always look at “baggage” (or a lack thereof) as any real sort of indicator about where a person is in life and what they want. Maybe they don’t want the same things they used to. Maybe their path was chosen for them. At any rate, are you exactly the same person you were twenty years ago?

As you look at online dating profiles, remember to try to look outside your box, whatever it may be. We never know what strange prejudices could keep us from missing out on a truly great match.

According to several relationship studies, January is the most popular month for couples to split. The holiday season is over and the new year has begun, so it stands to reason that it's a good time to start things off on a clean slate. You may have just broken things off with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or perhaps your ex-love just broke up with you.

Regardless of who initiated the split, break-ups are never easy. Whether you've been together for mere weeks or for years, they leave an emotional impact that sometimes feels overwhelming. What can you do to get over this tumultuous time and look forward to the future? Following are some steps for helping you move on to a better relationship the next time around.

Give yourself a break. Take some time off from dating. We all have a tendency to want to replace the person we've lost. Instead of giving in to the one-night stands or rebound relationships, remember that healing takes time, and must run its course if you are to move on to a healthier relationship with someone else.

Recognize why the break-up occurred. Were there problems in communication? Did your busy schedules prevent you from giving the relationship enough time and effort? Did you grow apart? If you know why the break-up occurred, then you can see what to do differently the next time around.

Admit your own role in the demise of your relationship. Remember, relationships involve two people, not just one, so blaming your ex for everything that went wrong is not a healthy way to leave. If you want to create a happier, healthier relationship the next time around, be willing to admit your faults and try to improve.

Nurture and rediscover yourself. Sometimes, we all need to pamper ourselves and get back in touch with what fulfills us. Treat yourself to a night out with the girls or a spa day. Take up a new hobby that has always interested you. Travel somewhere that you've always wanted to go. Find yourself again while you're solo.

Look forward to the future. Sometimes, it's easier to give in to sadness and go through the motions of your day instead of looking for opportunities and moving forward in your life. It's important to remember that these feelings won't last forever. You'll move on. Just be patient and have faith in the process.