Relationships

Making the transition from communication online to in-person can be awkward. No, scratch that - it simply is awkward, at least for the first few minutes. And that’s okay.

It’s easy for some to be witty or interesting in an email - they have plenty of time to compose their thoughts, and arrange them in the most efficient or humorous way. In person, on the other hand, when you’re both thinking at the same time, you get silences. And silence, while not a bad thing in itself, can cause panic, which is never good on a first date.

Enter small talk.

Small talk is much-maligned, and it shouldn’t be. It keeps the flow of conversation going! Small talk is, by definition, inoffensive topics of conversation to which most people find it easy to contribute. Who wouldn’t like having some of those on-hand?

For example, the weather. “Ah, the weather,” you might scoff. “The most boring topic of all.” Sure - maybe if you live in a part of the world where nothing interesting happens. But the past year, in particular, has had some pretty extreme weather. Maybe your town got snow for the first time in fifty years, and you went sledding on a garbage can. Maybe you had to kayak to a neighbor’s house. Maybe you built a snow igloo, and that igloo was covered the next week in more snow. Almost everyone has a story right now - you and your date can easily share, compare clothing tips, speculate on the future, or just talk about how nice it’ll be to move into a season that will theoretically be less exciting.

Another topic that shouldn’t be too messy is recent movies. There’s a large sampling to choose from, and chances are your date has seen at least one movie in the past six months. We’re in awards season right now, so you can even talk about whether or not you’ve seen any of the nominated films. The key here is to try to stay positive; even if you hate most commercial fare, no one wants to be around a downer. If you can’t talk about film today without going on a rant, skip it, unless you already know your date holds the same views.

The trick is simply to get started talking, and small talk can give you the jump-start you need. Most conversations segue naturally into other topics - and if they don’t, that’s okay too (don’t panic!). Also, don’t be afraid to move from one topic to another if you suddenly remember something more interesting. And finally, don’t be afraid of moments of silence - you have to have time to eat, take in the scenery if you’re on a walk, or just breathe. Remember: you’re on a date to get to know someone, not in a contest to fill every moment with sound.

It wasn't long ago that dating meant going through an elaborate courtship ritual. A gentleman called a woman's parents to ask for permission to see their daughter, picked her up at home, and promised to bring her back at a respectable hour. He dressed nicely, to make a favorable impression on her and her family, and brought her flowers as an expression of his growing affection. Dating was a special occasion, always accompanied by a little pomp and circumstance, and required lovers to observe traditions and follow approved protocol.

These days, with the advent of the Internet and the accessibility of technology of all kinds, dating is...well...a little different. (To say the least!) Romancing a new love interest now means logging on to an online dating site, filling out a profile, and messaging members that catch your eye, while dating someone means following their blog, changing your relationship status on Facebook, and keeping your shared Google Calendar up to date.

In many ways, some of which we talked about last time, the relationship between dating and technology has proved to be an asset to love lives everywhere. But nothing, including that too-good-to-be-true hottie whose profile you've been checking out lately, is perfect. The relationship between technology and dating, like any relationship, has its flaws, too.

Four Reasons Why Technology And Dating Should Just Break Up Already

• The tyranny of immediacy is a constant threat. Communication can now happen so quickly that we've come to expect rapid responses to everything. If a date signs onto AIM and doesn't send a message, we wonder why they don't want to talk to us. If a text isn't replied to instantly, we get nervous and suspect that something is wrong. It's easy to feel pressured to be perpetually available.
• Modern relationships can feel like they're under just as much scrutiny as a celebrity hookup. The minute a Facebook relationship status is updated, a flood of comments inquiring about the change comes in. Relationships are carried out entirely in the public arena, which means suffering through the sickeningly sappy wall posts of the newly-in-love, and enduring the nasty breakup blasts posted on the blogs and Twitter accounts of the recently jilted.
• The anonymity of the Internet can make it a risky place to look for love. Dating site members can easily misrepresent themselves in ways that range from the harmless, like subtracting a few pounds from their weight, to the hurtful, like lying about their martial status. Scammers and criminals also use dating sites to search for victims.
• In a constantly-connected world, privacy often feels like a thing of the past. Googling a potential love interest before meeting them for the first time is now a common, socially acceptable practice. And can you imagine dating someone without occasionally succumbing to the urge to Facebook stalk them? Like it or not, most of us probably can't.

So what do you think, readers? Are dating and technology a match made in heaven, or a relationship an unhealthy relationship that's in need of a little couple's counseling?

Let's face it, we all text now, probably more than we actually talk to people over the phone. It's convenient, efficient, and allows you to continue with your day uninterrupted by something like a twenty-minute conversation with your friend about what she should wear to a party.

But sometimes, it's a little too convenient. According to a recent study done by Shape and Men's Fitness Magazine, 43% of women and 27% of men polled said they'd received a break-up message over text. If you've ever been dumped via text, it doesn't feel too great. People deserve a little more respect, no matter how well you know them.

I've put together a list of texting DON'Ts for those of you who might be a little confused as to what works and what doesn't when you're dating.

Don't plan a first date over text. Call first. See how your phone chemistry is before you start trading flirtatious texts back and forth. When you talk, you can establish more firm plans than a vague "let's get together this week" text.

Don't text when you're drunk. This goes without saying, but worth a reminder. If you have a few too many and start thinking about your ex, sometimes it's easy to just send a quick text and drive yourself crazy waiting for a response. Don't give in.

Don't send 50 texts hoping he'll respond eventually. One or two flirtatious texts is great to keep a connection going, but if you send multiple texts with no response, you're going to look needy. If she doesn't respond the first time, move on.

Don't try to argue over text. If you get angry and want to make a point, pick up the phone or meet in person. Emotions are difficult to convey over text, and arguments can lead to even more misunderstanding.

Don't break up over text. Have some respect for your soon-to-be ex. Pick up the phone or meet in person. Sending an email is fine if you've only been out a few times. Calling or emailing makes for a cleaner break-up and both of you can move forward with no doubts about what's going on. Yes, it takes courage but it's better than trying to avoid conflict by texting. This will only create more confusion and anger. Don't hide behind your actions, and then both of you can move on.

Be sure to check back for Part II where I discuss the benefits of texting and dating. Another good online resource that covers this topic is Guy's Guide to Texting.

While I may be a fan of sharing the tips and tricks of online dating, there’s one thing I’m not a fan of: game-playing.

“But wait,” you might be saying. “Making sure I’m smiling in my profile picture, that I don’t have a defensive posture, that I’m not using offensive jokes in my profile - that’s not game-playing?”

No. Because while you may slouch with a scowl and your arms crossed more than you’d like when you’re not in front of a camera, you also have those moments when you’re having a good time - and your default picture simply tries to capture that aspect of yourself. When you choose to omit a joke from your profile that could be misinterpreted, it’s because most humor could easily be misinterpreted on the Internet - but that doesn’t mean that your same sense of humor won’t come out in person. You may want to try to make a good first impression - but usually, it’s simply you on a good day, not something completely constructed and false.

So, what do I consider “game-playing”? In short, the times in which you edit your behavior for no reason other than that you think it’s something people do to be successful in a relationship. For example, I’ve had people ask me how many days they should wait before responding to a first-contact email. Are you interested right now? Then respond, right now. The same goes for any “rule” about how long you should wait to re-establish contact after a first date. You aren’t purchasing anything; there’s no reason to have a mandatory three-day waiting period.

Occasionally people will come up with theories about the efficacy of counter-intuitive behavior; that insults, instead of praise, will earn you more interest. That being mean, instead of nice, will somehow fill in for confidence and make you more attractive. In short, these games will have a limited success rate in the short term, at best, and do nothing to build a real, long-term relationship.

A relationship is built on trust and honesty. If you start the relationship based on games and lies, at what point do you transition into the “real you”? Why not take the guesswork out of the equation and be genuine from the beginning? Strive to make your first impression be the best version of yourself - not a “someone else” who’s conniving and shallow to boot.

Technology has changed nearly every aspect of modern life.

When we need groceries, we head to FreshDirect. When we need entertainment, we head to Netflix. When we need to make travel plans, we head to Orbitz. When we need reading material, we head to Amazon. When we need money, we head to PayPal. When we need to connect with friends, we head to Facebook. And when we want to find love, we head to an online dating site.

As is the case with any new development, some early-adopters embraced the new technology immediately, while skeptics chose to observe the new trend before forming an opinion of it. Now, in 2011, it's clear that the relationship between technology and dating is set to be as immutable as the relationship between the chocolate and peanut butter in a Reese's.

The question is: Who was right? The early-adopters who praised the association of technology and dating, and hailed it as the future of our love lives? Or the skeptics, who believed that the link between technology and dating would prove to be an unhealthy relationship?

Four Reasons Why The Relationship Between Technology And Dating Is Built To Last

• Love-seekers spend hundreds of millions of dollars every year joining dating sites and posting online personals. The Internet is obviously here to stay, and so is using it to find The One.
• If the thought of having to chat someone up in a club makes you break out in a cold sweat, technology will save your love life. You can browse through profiles and decide who you want to initiate contact with, instead of having to start countless dead-end conversations that can be discouraging and embarrassing before finding a date worth pursuing. If your tastes are very specific, you can make use of niche dating sites to search for dates that fit your criteria. The anonymity of the Internet also makes it the perfect resource for daters who suffer from anxiety in social situations or a crippling fear of rejection.
• Turning to the Net to find love means opening yourself up to countless opportunities that daters have never had before. Limiting yourself to searching for potential partners at the local bar, bookstore, or speed dating event means limiting your chances of finding love. New technology, however, lets compatible partners from all over the world meet and establish relationships.
• If you do happen to meet a match that lives on the opposite side of the globe, it's easier than ever to keep in touch. A long distance relationship is no longer the terrifying prospect it once was in a world where partners can use email, Skype, video chats, and Facebook to stay connected.

There are, of course, many more reasons technological advancements have positively impacted love lives all over the world...but as all online daters know, even the brightest lights cast a few shadows. From Googling new dates, to Facebook stalking current partners, to posting breakup blasts on blogs, there's a dark side to the relationship between technology and dating too.

While the big game was being played in Dallas by the Packers and the Steelers, another game was going on behind the scenes: the ultimate match between sex and sports.

The Super Bowl is the most watched television event of the year in America, for both men and women, so it's no surprise that Super Bowl 2011 had a big impact on American sex lives. Social dating site Zoosk conducted a survey of over 1,000 singles to uncover the relationship between love, sex, and football, and the results might change the way you approach game day forever.

The battle of the sexes, it turns out, is fought on the football field as well as in the bedroom. Men and women were divided on who they hoped would take the trophy: the majority of men (57%) were rooting for the Green Bay Packers, while the majority of women (54%) were cheering on the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Agreeing on a favorite player also proved to be an impossible feat. The women nominated Tom Brady for the top spot, with 32% of the votes, followed by Drew Brees (20%), Peyton Manning (17%), Brett Favre (14%), Jason Taylor (12%), and Ladainian Tomlinson (5%). Men, on the other hand, named Brett Favre as their #1, again with 32% of the votes, followed by Peyton Manning (22%), Drew Brees (18%), Tom Brady (14%), Ladainian Tomlinson (8%), and Jason Taylor (6%).

One thing men and women could agree on, however, was the part of Super Bowl Sunday they enjoyed most:

• 57% of singles said that they get most excited about the game itself.
• 20% reported liking the commercials best.
• 16% said they participate for the partying.
• 7% reported watching for the spectacle of the half-time show.

Survey participants also came together to vote for the most attractive player, a prize that went to Ryan Clark of the Steelers. Aaron Rodgers (Packers), Mason Crosby (Packers), and Hines Ward (Steelers) took the second, third, and fourth places.

In addition to being the home of the most attractive player in the game, Pittsburgh also beat out Green Bay in matters of love and romance. When asked which city that's home to a major football team they would most want to visit for a romantic weekend, survey participants ranked both Green Bay and Pittsburgh poorly - but Green Bay came in dead last.

Then it came time for Zoosk to try to answer one of the most pressing questions of our generation: In a battle between sex and the Super Bowl, who comes out on top?

Nearly half of male respondents said they'd rather have sex than watch the game, but a whopping 73% of women said they'd rather be spending Super Bowl Sunday in front of the TV than in the bedroom!

In the words of Alexis Stevens: "It looks like the football players will be the only ones scoring Sunday night."