Relationships

Technology has invaded every aspect of our lives, from the classroom, to the boardroom, to - you guessed it! - the bedroom.

Shape and Men's Fitness recently polled 1,200 men and women in an attempt to discover exactly how the digital revolution has affected our relationships and sex lives.

What did they find?

Social media has unleashed the inner stalker in pretty much everyone.

• About 81% of people surveyed said they didn't de-friend their exes on Facebook...which could be considered a positive indicator that friendship is possible after a breakup, were it not for the fact that 75% also admitted to placing their exes under a strict surveillance routine.
• 72% of women also admitted to keeping a close eye one their current boyfriends' former flames.
• And guys, if you're still friends with your ex-girlfriend, there's a 39% chance your current lady is angry about it.
• 63% of men said that they investigate a woman online before going on a date with her. 70% of women revealed that they do the same thing.
• Women are also more likely to snoop within a relationship. 49% said that they had checked their partner's computer history, and 76% had gone through a boyfriend's email inbox if it was "accidentally left open."

Sometimes, technology makes things better.

• Texting is the number one method lovers use to keep in touch with each other. Men choose texting over calling 39% of the time, while women use texting 150% as often.
• Sexting is especially popular: 70% of women have sent a sexy text to their lover, and more than two-thirds sent their partner scandalous photos.

But sometimes, it makes things worse.

• 39% of women surveyed said they would rather give up sex for a year their part with their cell phones, compared with the 80% of men who said they would give up their phones in a heartbeat.
• While 31% of women are OK with being asked out by text message, the majority - at 65% - prefer to be called.

Luckily, technology doesn't always bring out the bad in us. More than 85% of men said that, if they had to choose, they would take cuddling after sex over post-coital Web surfing, and nearly 50% of survey respondents claimed that their sex lives have never been better.

Want more? Check out Part II for further revealing results from the high-tech sex survey.

In some ways, writing an online dating profile is like being in a creative profession, such as acting or composition: you have to learn the art of self-promotion quickly, or risk getting lost in the shuffle. After all, dating is a competitive field, just like acting, and if you don’t promote yourself, no one else will.

Many people get stuck when it comes to promoting themselves. “I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging!” they might say. Worse yet, thinking about how to promote themselves might suddenly trigger a self-esteem downward spiral, and they’ll say things like “I have nothing to brag about! I haven’t done anything! I’m not special, I’m just a regular person!”

More often than not, they become stuck because they forget what the ultimate goal is: to find a compatible person with whom they can form a solid relationship. They aren’t applying for a job, so professional achievements are nice, but not necessary. They aren’t entering a beauty pageant, so attractiveness counts, but it’s not the whole enchilada. In the world of dating, you’re looking at an entire package. Suddenly, all those nebulous qualities that made you a good friend but didn’t really get you a promotion actually count. Charity counts. Having a sense of humor counts. Being a good person counts.

When you’re looking at dating profiles, who would you rather meet: the high-powered businessperson who’s risen to the top of their firm in five years, or the person who takes time out every month to visit their family? Neither of these are bad choices, but one might be a better fit for you - which is why it’s important, not only to consider the whole package of the people you’re interested in, but to make sure you’re fully representing yourself.

So as you sit down to compose your online dating profile, don’t just think of it as a resume. Instead, consider the qualities that your friends and family appreciate - and be specific. Instead of simply saying that you have a “big heart,” explain that you are the sort of person who can’t resist buying cookies when kids make the sales pitch. Instead of saying you’re “a hard worker,” talk about that restaurant you want to open. When you reveal the person that lives beyond the resume, you might find the right fit for you.

As I mentioned in part I of my series on texting and dating, many people rely on texting as their primary means of communication. While this is convenient, it's not always a good thing for budding relationships. (See previous list of texting DON'Ts.)

On the other hand, texting is a great way to show your creativity and keep a connection going after a great date. Let's face it, we all get busy and don't have the time to send off a long email or make a phone call. But texting allows us to check in quickly and easily. Plus, it keeps the excitement going until the next time you see each other.

Following are some texting DO's that can help move your relationships forward:

DO text to confirm plans. If you're meeting someone for a drink, send a quick text to confirm, or to let them know if you're running late. Simple gestures like these go a long way in showing someone you've just started dating that you are considerate and not a flake.

DO text a thank-you after the date. Gone are the days of waiting three days for a phone call. Instead, most relationships move forward or fall off quickly. Send your date a brief text thanking him for the date and letting him know you'd like to get together again. Then let him respond...no need to keep texting indefinitely with no response.

DO text flirtatiously. If you are excited about someone you just met and want to keep the connection going, it's okay to get a little flirty over text. Show your creativity and be clever. But don't be tempted to send naked photos even if you think your texts have progressed to "sexts". Far too many bad things can happen, from your picture getting posted online to offending the object of your affection. Save that for in-person time.

DO text promptly. There's no need to wait several days before responding to a text to keep a guy or girl interested. If you get a text, try to respond within a couple of hours. This shows your interest. If you wait, he might assume you're not and move on.

For further tips and advice on this topic, check out our review of Guy's Guide to Texting.

You're probably heard a million times that one of the great things about online dating is that the Internet is the perfect place to find love if you suffer from anxiety in social situations. Initiating contact with someone you're interested in is always a little nerve-wracking, but the fear of rejection, and the discomfort of having to turn someone down as nicely as possible, is significantly less paralyzing when you don't have to speak to someone face-to-face.

Turning down an unwanted online advance is as simple as not responding to a message or not returning a wink, right?

Wrong. If you've ever gotten a message like this one, or these, or these, I know that it's tempting to handle the situation by pressing "Delete" and moving on to the next suitor. All online daters, as far as I'm concerned, are forgiven for taking the easy way out every once in a while, particularly when a message is spam or a completely incoherent mash-up of random words, but the anonymity of the Internet can sometimes make it hard to remember that there is almost always an actual person on the other side of the profile text and silly username. You don't have to write a rejection essay that uses a bullet-pointed list to detail every reason you're not interested in someone, but taking the time to send a quick note that says "Thanks, but no thanks" goes a long way towards preserving the humanity of the World Wide Web.

The art of polite rejection isn't difficult to master - it's as simple as determining why you're not into a person and drafting a couple of personalized lines explaining that, while you appreciate their interest, you are unable to pursue a relationship for reasons x, y, and z.

For instance, if a suitor has children and you do not want kids, a "Thanks, but no thanks" response could be "Hi So-and-So! Thanks for your message, but I'm not really looking to date someone with children. My dogs are all the responsibility I can handle right now, and you and your family deserve someone who can devote more time, love, and resources to you. I hope you can understand, and I wish you all the best in your search for someone special."

If writing a polite rejection message still seems hard, think of it as following this straightforward formula:

1. A greeting.
2. A thank you for the sender's interest.
3. A brief and truthful explanation of why you are not suited to each other. Make sure that you are writing an objective statement of facts, and not hurtful attack on someone's character or lifestyle.
4. A closing, in which you end on a positive note and wish them luck.

Being turned down is never easy, but the closure that comes from receiving a thoughtful "Thanks, but no thanks" message can ease the ache substantially. And besides, it can't hurt to earn a few extra karma points for treating your fellow humans with kindness, respect, and consideration.

Picture this: you’re on a romantic date, having a great time. Your date leans in, and gently, lovingly whispers: “Tell me about the worst break-up you’ve ever had.”

Sound strange? Maybe inappropriate? I agree! However, similar moments happen on first dates all the time - dates of the blind or online variety, that is.

It’s an icebreaker I’ve seen used more than once. On a blind date, someone will ask, “So, do you have any blind date horror stories?” One member of a couple who met on an online dating site might say, “I was so nervous about meeting you. You see, this one time...”

It’s counter-intuitive, really. Why would we want to talk about something negative? Why bring up the worst experiences we can think of?

Well, there are a few possibilities. The most obvious one is insecurity. People who still have reservations about “unusual” dating methods might still feel self-conscious about it. By bringing up unfortunate dates in the past, they’re reassuring themselves that they, and their date, are not the stereotypical online dating material. Other people, the people in the horror stories, might fit the stereotype, but this time it’s “special.”

Another possibility is that the person who brings up unfortunate dates is actually trying to grow closer to their new match. By comparing battle scars, you’re sharing something in common, creating a sort of camaraderie, “us against the world.” Are there other, better things you could find in common? Sure, but people occasionally panic and blurt out sub-optimal topics of conversation on first dates.

Even if discussing bad dates comes from a good place, it’s best avoided, if at all possible. If you’re willing to discuss a bad date in the past - particularly if you’re animated, making it as funny as possible - your date might wonder if you’re on a date with them solely to gather fodder for your next humorous anecdote. Additionally, it’s never a good idea to discuss the negative, particularly on a first date. Moods are contagious; if you’re upbeat and positive, your date will feel more warm and fuzzy toward you in turn. Why take a risk with cynical and negative subject matter? Find positive ways to connect, and avoid an unnecessary gamble.

Valentine's Day can make us think about what we are and aren't getting in our love lives. If you're unhappy, instead of continuing the course, consider that this may be the kick-start you need to break up and move on. It's never an easy thing, but many times admitting things aren't working can be the best thing we ever do for ourselves.

Following are some reminders why breaking up may be the best yet hardest thing to do, and what you can look forward to:

You'll find yourself again. Maybe you've been with your boyfriend or girlfriend so long, you forgot what it's like to be on your own, make all of your own decisions, and reconnect with the things that you loved to do that might have been neglected. We all need time to figure out who we are as individuals. We also need to discover new passions that help us learn and grow.

Letting go means moving forward. Break-ups are harder if you don't take the steps to really disconnect before trying to be friends again. If you still are friends with your ex on Facebook, or call him every couple of days just to check in, you haven't really let go. Give yourself time and distance to create your own support system apart from him. Then you'll be ready for new love to come into your life. When you're truly ready, it will!

Replace insecurity with more self-esteem and a better outlook. Maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend was critical or caused you to doubt yourself. If you feel less-than whole in your current partnership, it's a good time to step away and remember all of the great things about yourself. Spend time with friends who have a positive outlook that's contagious, and who love you for who you are.

Build your support system. If you tend to neglect friends and family while you're in a relationship, this is a good time to reconnect so you don't feel alone in your grieving. Also, getting to know others who have come out of similar situations helps put things in persepctive. Knowing that you have some supportive people to turn to makes all the difference in taking the important step of leaving a relationship. They can help take your mind off your ex and hopefully share some good times and laughs in the process.

Look forward to your next, better partnership. When we choose to face our pain and work on overcoming our fears, we are putting ourselves in control of our own lives and happiness. This is an incredible feeling. When we do the work of recognizing our relationship mistakes, we have an easier time meeting someone who is truly right for us.