Relationships

Have you ever read an article or a book by someone and said to yourself, “This person is in my head” or “I want to be the author’s friend”? It’s not uncommon. In today’s world, professional writers have access to personal blogs and social networks. We get to know them beyond their published works. And because they’re so skilled with words, it’s not uncommon for them to appear to be the smartest, funniest, most compassionate people around.

Then people meet their favorite authors in person, at book signings or conventions, or they see them on a TV interview. And... it’s hit and miss. Sometimes that hilarious, witty personality shines through in person. Sometimes not. Sometimes what you interpreted as funny in the printed word now sounds caustic and bitter coming out of the author’s mouth. When we read, we create something - sometimes someone - in our minds. Sometimes what we’ve created matches reality - but not always.


And so it is with online dating profiles. We’re reading the words of someone else, but reading them with our voice and delivery, in our minds. The actual author might be even better than what we’ve read... or worse. This doesn’t mean that online dating is any less ingenuous than any other form of dating; indeed, since not everyone has the same strengths, often an online profile allows deeper and more candid insight than a chance meeting in person. It simply means that we can’t discount the value of meeting in person, feeling out that element of chemistry.

Every method of meeting new people has its drawbacks; whether you’re meeting someone in a bar, in a grocery store, or at the other end of the vast space of the Internet, you only get part of whole picture when you receive a first impression. In online dating, a profile can easily present the best aspects of a person, whether it’s their picture, their intelligence or their heart.

Most in the world of online dating feel that they would rather chance meeting someone with whom they have no chemistry, than pass up a great match in person based on a poor chance meeting. Indeed, it would seem that the chances of finding someone online are maximized (after all, there’s always the chance that an in-person meeting provides more chemistry than you anticipate!). Just make sure you’ve actually fallen in love with the person, not their words.

You've just started dating a great guy. Maybe you've been out two or three times in the last two weeks, and you're really feeling the chemistry. The problem is, you've been in this situation before and it didn't work out as planned. So what can you do to ensure this time things move forward?

First, it's necessary to understand how you normally feel and act when you're in a relationship. If you find yourself falling into old patterns that didn't necessarily serve you well in the past, you may want to try a different tactic this time around. Following are some types of behavior that we exhibit when entering into a new relationship that could cause things to turn:

Acting needy. Maybe when you're single, you're confidant and independent. But when you start falling for a guy, you become a little too attached, too soon. If you tend to sleep with him quickly and then expect an instant boyfriend, slow down. Instead of throwing yourself head first into your new relationship, hold off on sex at the beginning and refrain from texting him multiple times a day. Even if you feel intense chemistry, you don't know what he wants or if he's even thinking long-term. Don't rush things. Take your time and see where it goes. After all, you're just getting to know each other.

Mistrustful. If you've had a boyfriend who's cheated on you in the past, you might have residual feelings of mistrust. Instead of stereotyping men and thinking your new boyfriend might stray too, keep an open mind. He's not part of your past. He deserves the benefit of the doubt unless he's done something already to show he isn't trustworthy.

Skeptical. Maybe you've been excited before and don't want to be disappointed if things don't work out, so you start to pull away. Instead of putting up walls when you're getting to know someone, allow yourself to be a little vulnerable. Intimacy requires vulnerability, so don't let your fears control your relationship trajectory. Be open and honest when you're together and see where it takes you.

"Relationships don't work unless you're friends first."

It's a line that's repeated all the time - by concerned friends, by well-meaning relatives, by the writers of Cosmo - but what about being friends afterwards?

It's an issue that provokes strong responses from both camps. Some are staunch supporters of friendship after romance, while others make a formidable argument in favor of cutting exes from our lives completely. I see the value in both approaches, so I decided I needed to explore my personal dating philosophy and take each idea for a test drive or two, to determine where my allegiance ultimately belongs.

In some situations, like abusive relationships, it's clear that the cold turkey approach is best. Attempting to be friends can be unhealthy for some, particularly if you are only trying to be friends with an ex because you hope to regain some semblance of the connection you had. That's a toxic and desperate approach to love and friendship. Others cling to old relationships because they are afraid of facing an uncertain future, romantic or otherwise, and they allow their connection to a defective former relationship to prevent them from finding a new, positive relationship. If continuing to know an ex is hurting you further, it's vital to cut them loose no matter how strong your feelings are for them.

On the other hand, if you were in a relationship with someone, there has to have been something that you liked about them in the first place. Maybe it was their sense of humor, maybe it was their musical talents, maybe it was their intellect, maybe it was their ability to slam dunk a basketball - whatever it was, it didn't disappear just because you're no longer together. The basic things that drew you together, that attracted you to one another, are still there whether you're current lovers or exes. If you keep in mind that it's your relationship that has changed, not the people involved in it, you should be able to maintain a good relationship with an ex based on the initial things that you enjoyed about each other.

Remember how things felt when you met. Remember what you liked about them. Remember all the kind things they did for you, and the things you enjoyed doing for them. Remember the support you gave each other. Remember the incredible experiences you shared. And try to keep a positive attitude, one that says "I understand that our relationship needs to come to an end, but I'm glad I got to know all of the wonderful things about you, and I feel lucky that they - and you - will remain in my life."

It's easier said than done, but I firmly believe it's the path we all should follow whenever possible. After all, having a few extra friends is always better than having a few more enemies!

What about you, readers? Which side do you take?

Though ideas about what is considered beautiful have changed over the years, one thing has not: humans are fascinated by the possibility of discovering a formula for beauty.

Humans have contemplated the question "What makes a woman beautiful?" for as long as they have contemplated…well…pretty much anything. Plato wrote of something he called the "golden proportions," which described, among other things, the construction of the ideal face. According to him, the nose should be no longer than the distance between the eyes, and the width of the face should be two-thirds its length. Although Plato's theories haven't always held up to modern scientific investigations, they do provide a strong foundation for the study of beauty.

Plato was correct in saying that symmetry is inherently pleasing to the human eye, though contemporary research has shown that it is measured not by proportions, but rather by the similarity between the left and right sides of the face. In studies of adults, in which several faces are combined to create a perfect symmetrical face, the composite image is always voted more attractive than the individual photos. Tests with babies, who spend more time staring at pictures of symmetric faces than asymmetric ones, confirm these findings.

Beauty, of course, goes far beyond symmetry. Men in Western cultures show preferences for women with small jaws and noses, defined cheekbones, and large eyes - all features that combine to make a woman's face resemble an infant's. Ladies, on the other hand, show an inclination for men who look mature. They favor heart-shaped faces with small chins and full lips. Both genders gravitate towards faces in which the jaw and forehead are in vertical alignment.

Plato may not have been entirely right about the role proportions play in the human face, but proportions do play a clear part in the attractiveness of the human body. Scientists have found that men consider women beautiful when they have a low waist-to-hip ratio, meaning that their waist is small compared to the size of their backside and hips. There is likely an evolutionary explanation for this: studies have shown that women with high waist-to-hip ratios, whose bodies are "flat" rather than "curvy," are more likely suffer from health problems like diabetes and infertility.

These preferences may, however, be determined by location. Research with an indigenous people native to Peru, who have almost no contact with the Western world, showed a preference for high waist-to-hip ratios.

Related Story: The Science Of Beauty, Part II

You've been on a few dates with a man, and you really like him. Things start to progress. You're all ready to see his place for the first time, when he drops the bomb on you:

"I live with my parents."

Before you completely discount him or judge him for his situation, there are some important things to consider. Most importantly, you must determine if this is a temporary situation for him, and whether he has a definitive plan to move out.

I put together a list of questions you should ask before you decide to date someone who lives with his parents:

• How old is he? If he's young and in college, then this is likely a temporary situation. He might be avoiding racking up student loans by living at home. The real question is how old are you? If you're in college too, that's ok. If you're in your thirties and have a career, it's probably not a good idea!

• What are his plans? If he's in medical school or a residency program and this is only a temporary situation to save money, then what's to lose? As long as he's got a plan and works toward his goals, you can keep him in the picture. If he's just a couch potato and unsure of what to do with his life, then that's a red flag and you shouldn't get involved.

• Did he just go through a break-up or divorce? If he's in transition with his life, chances are he's not in the best personal or financial space to start a significant relationship. You should move on if you want to be more serious.

• Is he being secretive about why he's living with his parents? If he's 40 and has been living there for 10 years, it's ok to ask why. If there's something he's not telling you about his living situation, then likely there are other things he's keeping hidden too.

• Is he too attached to his parents? Maybe he likes to get their opinions on everything, including his choice for a girlfriend. His living with them may be a red flag that he hasn't quite grown up and moved on from needing their approval. Remember that your relationship is between the two of you, so he should treat it as such. Otherwise, move on.

Don't jump to conclusions if your date lives with his parents, but be sure to ask questions so you understand what is really going on, and what his plans are to move out. If he doesn't seem certain of an end date, then it's best to go your separate ways.

Unless you’re a teenager, chances are that the next person you have a relationship with has been in a relationship before. Maybe they’ve been in several relationships, or a few very long-term ones. To most, this is acceptable; still, many balk at dating someone who has previously been in a marriage.

Most of the reservations seem to be based on stereotypes; “Anyone who has been through a divorce is obviously going to be bitter,” one might think. I’ve heard people say things like, “If you date someone who has been widowed, you can never measure up to the deceased spouse.” Despite the fact that marriage is “just a piece of paper,” the very word seems to strike fear in the hearts of potential matches.

In reality, those who have been divorced or widowed want the exact same thing that everyone else does: to be happy in a good relationship. Their last relationship has ended; maybe because they wanted it to, maybe not, but either way they’ve learned more about what makes them happy and what doesn’t. They have the rest of their lives ahead of them, and they want the best experience possible. Is that really any different than someone who’s never been married before?

“But I would feel weird talking around all that baggage!” some might say. The truth is, whether we have government proof or not, we all have baggage and sore spots. A conversation with a new person always has the potential to trigger a bad memory you didn’t know about, whether it’s the loss of a parent or a sticky divorce. There are no extra “land mines” with someone who’s been married before; in fact, something like a divorce from a quick marriage, many years before, might not bother someone at all.

Rather than making assumptions based on the marital status of your potential match, get to know them without labels. Single, divorced or widowed, we’re all just people looking for love; if you’re ready to move on and be happy, do the events of the past really matter?