Relationships

Many of us think we have an open mind when it comes to dating. But then, as we meet more and more people, it’s easier to reject our prospective loves. We think that the perfect person is out there if we’re patient and persistent enough, so what’s the point in getting to know someone who doesn’t meet all of our requirements in a partner?

We hold fast to our “lists”; that is, the list of requirements each of us makes with qualities that any partner of ours must possess. Whether it’s being a Red Sox fan or having brown eyes, we all have our preferences, and nothing less will do when it comes to picturing our ideal Mr. or Miss Right.

While I’m all for holding out until you meet “the one” (you don’t want to be miserable in a partnership after all!), I think that we adhere too much to our “lists” when it comes to filtering our dates from the “maybe” to the “no” pile. Instead of considering someone on the basis of what you think is most important to you in a relationship, (like financial success or a love of poetry), consider how you want to feel in a relationship. Superficial preferences should not be deal-breakers. They don’t determine how someone will treat you in the long-term, or how you communicate with each other in a relationship. Sure, it’s nice to connect with people who share the same interests or career goals, but this doesn’t mean they hold the key to your happiness.

Instead, think about how you like to feel in a relationship. Do you want to feel loved, respected, heard? Do you want to feel free to be yourself? These are the kind of qualities that last in the long-term. Money may come and go. You can discuss poetry with friends who share the same passion. You don’t have to get everything from one relationship. But your most important relationship should allow you to be the person you really are, and should leave you feeling supported and inspired.

So the next time you’re out on a date and discount a man because he doesn’t own his own business, or shun a girl because she doesn’t have the “look” that draws you, consider a second date. Give the person a true chance before deciding to move on. If things haven’t been working for you so far, it’s worth trying something new.

What have you got to lose?

Creating an online dating profile can be nerve-wracking, particularly if it’s your first time. It’s not uncommon to put it off as long as possible, and then finally steamroll through it in one rush, to get it over with. As with most things, rushing through writing a profile is probably one of the worst things you can do.

Now, that’s not to say you can’t sit down and fill it out in one sitting. If you’re feeling creative or happy or “in the groove,” why not? But it’s simply not a good idea to post it the second you fill out all the blank areas. For one thing, there’s the issue of basic editing: when you’ve been staring at the same thing for an hour, and you still have your “voice” in your brain, your eyes might not notice that your spell-check automatically corrected and filled in the wrong word, or that one paragraph is actually only one sentence.

The next level of editing involves applying polish. Maybe you don’t technically have any errors, but it’s a bunch of laundry lists of your likes and dislikes. Maybe it has complete sentences, but it’s about as interesting as split pea soup. When you go over your profile, ask yourself: does it stand out at all? How can you grab positive attention? Look at profiles of people you’re interested in, and note what makes them stand out to you.

Finally, when you rush through creating your online profile you’re much more likely to rush through the picture selection - and that can be scary. Hastily snapped pictures with a cell phone or a web cam can resemble a lineup at the county jail more than an invitation to say hello. Posting a funny, and mildly obscene, picture might seem like a great idea at three in the morning, but not so hilarious in the harsh light of day. And let’s face it: some days we just don’t look our best. I’ve seen many people who take one or two self-portraits when they’re exhausted, get discouraged, and use the pictures anyway because they just want to get the profile out there. If you don’t feel well about how your pictures are turning out, try it another time - it might be something as simple as a bad mood. And your mood will definitely shine through in your photos.

There’s nothing wrong with a little patience, particularly when it comes to “meeting” someone for the very first time. If you had an option, you’d probably brush your hair and dress well before meeting someone in person, right? Why not take your time creating the best first impression you can?

You’ve worked very hard to achieve career success, and often put in long hours on the job. But maybe your ambitions have caused your personal life to suffer. Perhaps it’s been months since you’ve been on a date, or signed up with on online dating site. You find that work just takes up too much time, and hope that someday your future girlfriend or boyfriend will cross your path when it’s convenient for you.

Unfortunately, that’s usually not how life works.

Sometimes opportunities come along when we aren’t looking. And other times we have to dedicate time to other pursuits besides work that are important to us. Career is only one aspect of our lives. Relationships, friendships, and family are just as important. But these bonds need to be created and nurtured. There must be a balance.

If you find yourself unable to schedule time to check your new online dating matches, schedule a few coffee dates, or otherwise pursue a relationship, you’re going to have a difficult time finding the right person. If you can’t make time for a date, how can you make sufficient time for a relationship?

Technology allows us to stay very connected. It also allows our networks to grow. Instead of using these tools for business only, try using them towards your love life. Set aside 30 minutes each day (perhaps during lunch) to check your online matches. Set aside 2 nights per week to have drinks with dates. Attend one new networking event or party a week. Pay attention to your Facebook circles, and reach out. Don’t get frustrated that you may have to do this for several weeks or months before meeting someone special. Just do it, and stick to your schedule. You’ll find that putting time into your personal life helps your work life flow more easily as well.

The main point is that in order to achieve your desired results (a relationship), you must put in the time. There is no way to avoid it. Life is about balance, and if you spend all of it involved in work or a career pursuit, you could miss a great relationship that’s right in front of you.

Instead of putting your personal life on hold until it’s the right time, make time for it now. Besides, you never know who you might meet.

How often have you looked at a couple and thought "Wow, I can't believe HE scored HER!" or "I don't get it - what on earth does he see in that woman?"

Couples who seem mismatched may get a lot of attention, but they actually might be in the minority. Research has shown that, more often than not, people choose mates with a similar level of attractiveness. This tendency is evolutionarily advantageous - by mating with someone with similar genes, your genes (and the traits they produce) will be passed on and preserved.

"Attractiveness" is not all about physical appearance, however. Studies examining whether or not beauty is really in the eye of the beholder have found that subjects almost always rate a person as more attractive when they feel that the person is friendly and kind. A cold or distant personality causes subjects to give the person a lower attractiveness rating.

And it turns out that being good looking is useful for a lot more than just filling up your dance card. Research has found that people who are physically attractive are more intelligent and more popular than their less attractive counterparts, and have more success both romantically and occupationally, though the exact correlation between attractiveness and success is not clear.

One explanation for this theory, known as the Halo Effect, accounts for this relationship using stereotypes. Proponents of the theory believe that humans use cultural stereotypes to immediately and subconsciously judge everyone we meet, before we have a chance to evaluate their personality or intelligence, using a simple "attractive individual = good person, unattractive individual = bad person" formula.

Other scientists believe that the Halo Effect is a result of self-fulfilling prophesies. A person who is confident and receives positive feedback from others is more likely to be successful than a person who lacks self-esteem, and someone who feels attractive - even if others wouldn't rate them as such - is likely to be equally as successful as someone who is objectively considered attractive.

The moral of the story seems to be that beauty, like it or not, matters. It affects our relationships, our professional success, our happiness. Though striving for physical perfection is a narcissistic and pointless endeavor, there are concrete benefits to being good looking that go far beyond egotism.

I think I see the beginning of a new marketing campaign for plastic surgeons...

Related Story: The Science Of Beauty, The Science Of Beauty, Part III

Predicting the course of a relationship is much like predicting the weather. You can attempt to take measurements using the most sophisticated analysis at your disposal, checking obsessively. You can make pretty educated guesses about the state of things. Still, the actual path ultimately remains a mystery until you get there. And every relationship balances sweet and stormy weather.

When you’re in the throes of the early stages of a relationship - the infatuation, the giddiness, the mild and sweet spring - it can be hard to remember that those storms will ever show up and darken your day. And even more importantly: are those arguments just short summer squalls that disappear within an hour, or are they an indication of a long and painful season of sadness? In short, when is an argument just an argument?

It’s important to remember that every couple argues. Even the most established, loving couples are entitled to a squabble, or even a big blowout, every now and then. Some couples, remembering past relationships, freeze and fear over even the slightest rumble of discontent. Be honest, and don’t be afraid to disagree; what’s important is how the couple handles the aftermath. Are the fights of a nature that they actually change how you see and feel about each other, or can you get “back to normal” a day or even hours later? Are your feelings for each other secure and “boarded up” enough that they can withstand even hurricane-force winds, or will they crumble under the frosty weight of emotional negativity you’ve been heaping onto each other?

You may not be able to predict the weather precisely, but there’s something to be said for following trends. Are you fighting more than you’re happy? Are you fighting over big issues that you’ll never resolve? Are you getting into huge arguments over small things, simply because neither one of you can let anything go? Perhaps, then, it’s time to have a serious talk about how the wind is blowing.

The greatest defense against tempestuous weather is communication. If you communicate regularly (not just after a fight), you’ll have a better handle on the state of your relationship, both in the good times and the bad. And remember, in a relationship, you’re part of a couple; a team, not adversaries. Arguments may occur, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find solutions together, and even ways of better handling the next fight. Perhaps you can’t predict the weather, but you can wait out the storms together.

When you first met your boyfriend, you were counting calories and visiting the gym on a regular basis. But since then you've grown comfortable with each other and you've added a few extra pounds. You might now find yourself feeling less attractive and struggling to lose some weight.

But what happens if your weight gain starts affecting your relationship? What if your boyfriend starts criticizing, making comments, or asking you to lose weight? Or what if he just pulls away?

If your boyfriend seems less interested in being affectionate, having sex, or is physically distancing himself from you, it's hard to ignore. You may feel self-conscious, but the best thing to do is to communicate and talk openly about your feelings. Following are some questions you can ask him:

Is he really distancing himself from you because of your weight gain, or is something else going on?

What factors led to his current feelings?

Is he willing to support you emotionally, no matter your weight?

And you can ask yourself:

Has he treated you with respect and consideration in the relationship, or does he only focus on your faults? Does he admit when he's at fault?

Have you been putting time and effort into your relationship?

Are you taking steps to feel better about yourself?

If he is making you feel guilty about your extra pounds, this is not helping the relationship. There's no excuse for his behavior, and perhaps he's hiding his own insecurities by trying to focus on you. Even if there's been a noticeable difference in your appearance, your significant other is there to support you, as long as you are supporting yourself. If your health is at risk, or if you spend your days feeling insecure and it's affected your relationships with friends and family, then something needs to change.

Again, the key is to communicate and let your feelings be clear. If you're not honest with one another, you could be spending too much time and energy on needless worrying. If he's worth keeping, he will support you, and you'll take action if it's needed to become a healthier you.