Relationships

Are you thinking about trying online dating for the first time, but don’t know if it’s the best way to meet a potential partner? Or are you weary from your last couple of forays in the online dating world, fearful of more bad experiences?

Despite our collective fears surrounding online dating, it’s still one of the best ways to meet new people and widen our opportunities for meeting Mr. or Miss Right. But like most good things in life, we have to go into it with an open mind as well as open eyes.

There are online daters who lie, whether it’s about age, income, height, or even marital status. There are also those who are searching for love in earnest, just like you. The key is, be smart about your communication, but don’t always expect the worst from people. There are signs if someone intends to cause you harm. If he or she won’t give you a phone number or only wants to meet last-minute or in the late hours of the night, that’s a big red flag that they probably aren’t single. Don’t give away personal information about yourself, especially financial details. And always Google your dates, to make sure you have some background information. Tell a friend who you’re meeting and where you’ll be.

Most online daters aren’t there to scam or manipulate you. They may be trying to make themselves look more attractive by adjusting age, income, or height. You can’t know unless you meet them in person. I believe it’s best to give people a chance. If you discount online matches based on a photograph or age requirement, you are filtering out a lot of potentially great candidates. Instead, keep a more open mind. If you are willing to meet people outside of your type, you will find yourself not only with more dates but with a wider and more interesting variety of people. Someone older might have more financial and emotional stability than the 24 year-olds you prefer to date. And someone shorter may be the funniest, most successful person you’ve been out with in a long time.

I do advocate being honest and straightforward on a dating site. If you shave a couple of years off your age, post old photographs, or try to impress a man or woman by lying about your career success, you will attract other liars. Being honest means you filter your matches down to those people who are interested in you despite what you feel might be a dating hindrance. Don’t you want to feel loved and accepted for who you are, rather than your “dating stats”?

The bottom line is, while online dating is not for everyone, it’s a great way to meet new people and get back out there. Just remember, keep your eyes open as well as your mind. Do this, and you won’t be disappointed.

When you’re creating an online dating profile, the tough choices start at the very beginning. Before you’ve even reached the stage where you’re worrying about laundry lists, default pics, or even selecting your body type, you have to choose a user name. And a user name is far more than what you use to log in with; it sets the tone for your first impression, and if someone tries to go back and find you later, it can make or break the search.

Imagine you’re sitting at your computer, searching for potential matches. You’ve plugged in all the relevant information, and now you’re looking at a screen filled with tiny thumbnail pictures and user names. The pictures have been shrunk down so much they’re only minimally useful. You might go through them all, one by one, but first you do a scan to see if any happen to catch your eye. Would you be interested in someone named LovesToSurf, or IndianaJoe? What about CrazyWench, or FratBroTool?

Even without a picture, we quickly form impressions in our mind about the type of personality we’re about to encounter. A name can evoke a sense of adventure, or a sense of humor - but it can have negative associations, too.

However, some of the worst names are those that aren’t offensive at all - they’re simply generic. Picture this: you quickly look over one profile, late at night. At the time, it didn’t seem particularly special, but you find yourself thinking about that person all the next day. That evening, you settle down to give the profile a second look. Your previous searches weren’t saved, and you had taken a pretty circuitous route to get to the profile in the first place. The name was the poster’s first name, followed by a number. Was it 267? or 762? Maybe it was a 5 instead of a 2...

If your name is Mike431977 or Kate22819, you might not have the worst name in the history of online dating, but you might have a name that means you can never be found again. Your user name, like your profile, should be short, sweet, and memorable for all the right reasons. So as you sit down to construct your profile, try to think of a name that reflects the best aspects of your personality. It’s an easy way to make a good first impression.

The kiss: it's a gesture that couldn't be more simple, yet it has a complicated evolutionary history.

Call it whatever you want...making out, Frenching, smooching...an Eskimo kiss, a butterfly kiss, xoxoxo...the touching of two people's lips is a move that captures our imaginations, sets our hearts racing, and, believe it or not, performs several very important biological functions. Author and scientist Sheril Kirshenbaum, in her new book The Science of Kissing, traces the history of the kiss and uncovers the vital role locking lips plays in human relationships.

Kissing, it turns out, is more than just a sign of affection or a precursor to sex. The urge to kiss is born out of thousands of years of evolution, and produces biological and chemical reactions that are essential to the formation and maintenance of human relationships, and the propagation of the species. Kirshenbaum's book takes a deep look into the origins and functions of the kiss, and is filled with fun facts like:

1. Kissing can enhance a woman's libido. Beyond its obvious usefulness during foreplay, the kiss contributes to ramping up a woman's sex drive by providing a vehicle to transfer testosterone from a man to the woman he is kissing via his saliva.
2. There is a biological reason that most people close their eyes while kissing. Closing your eyes during a kiss allows you to focus on the moment without being distracted by outside elements, and it's also an easy way to avoid the potential awkwardness of staring at your partner's face in such an up-close-and-personal way, but it serves another, deeper purpose as well. When humans lock lips, the body's autonomic nervous system goes into overdrive, causing our pupils to dilate. Their enlarged state means that an increased amount of light enters our eyes and they become more sensitive, which could partially explain our tendency to close our eyes during passionate kisses.
3. A kiss helps us evaluate the suitability of possible mates. A woman's breath while kissing can help men determine whether or not she is fertile. During menstruation, a woman's mouth carries excess bacteria, which frequently causes bad breath and is a sign that helps her kissing partners find the most fertile woman to mate with. Women also employ kissing to choose their partners, by using their senses of smell to subconsciously evaluate men's genetics. By sampling a potential mate's natural scent during a kiss, women gather vital information on a deep level about a man's reproductive status and DNA that speaks volumes about his suitability as a mate.

Check out Kirshenbaum's The Science of Kissing for more theories and fascinating facts about the origins and evolutionary imperatives of the kiss.

It’s tempting to want to start the next chapter of your life as quickly as possible, but if there’s one thing that doesn’t happen on a set schedule, it’s love. Sometimes love blossoms from friendship slowly, over a number of years, and others claim they felt it at first sight (or conversation, or date). You can’t make yourself find love, or expect to receive it, on a set schedule. Still, a line has to be drawn somewhere. When you’re waiting to find love, when does patience become unreasonable?

You may think you’ve found your match, but if they’re already attached - say, married - it’s best to continue your search elsewhere. Sure, people get divorced; relationships fall apart. Others never do, despite a seemingly negative situation. You can’t take “they don’t seem happy” as a guarantee that they’ll both leave their current partner, and turn to you when they do. Sometimes things have a fairytale way of working out, but by no means should you sit around and expect it to happen. Looking for someone available is the safest way to protect your heart, and the most logical chance for finding success.

While it’s true that love sometimes does blossom from years of friendship, that doesn’t mean you should wait around for it to happen. When people talk about falling in love after knowing each other for years, they usually mean a slow evolution wherein they go from barely knowing each other to becoming close, then falling in love. Rarely do you hear about a situation in which one person is in love from the beginning and patiently sits around for years. If it’s meant to happen, it will; in the meantime, keep looking for someone who wants love this decade.

Finally, there’s what I like to call the “Happily Ever After” person, but please don’t assume I’m only talking about women here; men fit this mold just as easily. This person is waiting for their fairy tale to begin, for their love to come swooping around the corner at the grocery store or the post office and carry them away to happiness. However, they don’t bother actually trying to meet anyone new; they expect love to just happen to them. Waiting for your new match to seek you out at home, knocking at your door, is impractical at best. Each new person you meet is a potential friend or a potential match; why not meet as many as possible?

Of course, Hollywood is full of exceptions to these rules, with dramatic storylines that encourage us to think that we could be an exception too. And maybe we are. Still, would you bet your chance at a happy, fulfilling relationship on those odds? You might win the lottery someday, but in the meantime, perhaps it’s best to pursue a living through more conventional methods. Money is still money, and love is still love.

In Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare famously asked "What's in a name?"

Modern scientists are interested in answering another question: "What's in a face?"

David Perrett, a psychologist, author, and professor at the University of Saint Andrews, has dedicated his life to studying face preferences and perception. In his new book, "In Your Face: The New Science of Human Attraction," Perrett attempts to answer questions like "What does the human face tell us about an individual's health?," "Can facial features give clues about a person's trustworthiness?," and "How do humans evaluate potential partners' faces in order to choose the best mates?"

Beauty is, in many ways, subjective - but Perrett's work has lead him to believe that attractive bodies and faces tend to conform to a few general rules.

• As we discussed in Part I of the Science of Beauty series, symmetry plays a role in the perception of beauty, though it is far from the most important factor when determining attractiveness. The WHR - or waist-to-hip ratio - also contributes to the perception of someone as beautiful.
• Humans are attracted to "averageness." When photographs of multiple human faces are averaged into a single face, the composite image is usually considered more attractive than the individual pictures. Perrett explains this finding by saying that, although the phenomenon might seem contradictory, humans seek out things that feel familiar and comfortable to them and therefore often find averageness attractive.
• Female faces are considered most attractive when they exemplify femininity. Feminine faces are distinguished by characteristics like full lips, wide eyes, and arched eyebrows. Male faces have stronger, square jaws, thinner lips, and eyebrows that are less arched and closer to the eyes. When feminine characteristics are exaggerated, the faces are rated more attractive. The same reaction is not seen towards men with more masculine faces, however - studies have found that preferences for men with masculine faces vs. men with feminine faces tend to be a matter of personal opinion for women, rather than a biological imperative.
• Humans look at faces to determine the health of potential mates. A good complexion is a sigh of good health, so people who are considered beautiful have skin that is free of blemishes, shows smooth color gradations, and has a slight youthful glow. The ruddiness of a face hints at whether or not an individual has poor blood circulation, and the yellowness of a face indicates what kind of diet the person consumes.
• Beauty is tied to fertility. As a woman's fertility declines (It peaks at age 22) and she becomes a less desirable partner, her attractiveness declines as well. Chins become more pronounced with age, giving them a more masculine appearance. Eyelids begin to droop, making the eyes appear smaller, and the brow lowers and becomes flatter. Lips lose tissue and become thinner, and the nose and ears increase in size.

In spite of all the findings that confirm his theory that attractiveness follows identifiable rules, Perrett still believes that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and love ultimately wins the day. "Our brain chemistry can break all the rules and make us drawn to one person, even if that person's visage is not perfect," he told the Los Angeles Times.

Related Story: The Science Of Beauty, Part II, Science of Beauty, Part IV

Many of us think we have an open mind when it comes to dating. But then, as we meet more and more people, it’s easier to reject our prospective loves. We think that the perfect person is out there if we’re patient and persistent enough, so what’s the point in getting to know someone who doesn’t meet all of our requirements in a partner?

We hold fast to our “lists”; that is, the list of requirements each of us makes with qualities that any partner of ours must possess. Whether it’s being a Red Sox fan or having brown eyes, we all have our preferences, and nothing less will do when it comes to picturing our ideal Mr. or Miss Right.

While I’m all for holding out until you meet “the one” (you don’t want to be miserable in a partnership after all!), I think that we adhere too much to our “lists” when it comes to filtering our dates from the “maybe” to the “no” pile. Instead of considering someone on the basis of what you think is most important to you in a relationship, (like financial success or a love of poetry), consider how you want to feel in a relationship. Superficial preferences should not be deal-breakers. They don’t determine how someone will treat you in the long-term, or how you communicate with each other in a relationship. Sure, it’s nice to connect with people who share the same interests or career goals, but this doesn’t mean they hold the key to your happiness.

Instead, think about how you like to feel in a relationship. Do you want to feel loved, respected, heard? Do you want to feel free to be yourself? These are the kind of qualities that last in the long-term. Money may come and go. You can discuss poetry with friends who share the same passion. You don’t have to get everything from one relationship. But your most important relationship should allow you to be the person you really are, and should leave you feeling supported and inspired.

So the next time you’re out on a date and discount a man because he doesn’t own his own business, or shun a girl because she doesn’t have the “look” that draws you, consider a second date. Give the person a true chance before deciding to move on. If things haven’t been working for you so far, it’s worth trying something new.

What have you got to lose?