Relationships

You've been out on a couple of dates with a new guy, and you find yourself really attracted to him. Things are going well: he seems to be interested in you, too. But instead of feeling happy and excited, you are scared. What if he's not really interested? What if you end up getting bored with him? What if he snores, plays too many video games, or doesn't like your friends?

While it's easy to get caught up in the "what ifs", they can also sabotage your budding romance before it's even gotten a chance to bloom. Instead of giving in to your fears about how the relationship might go, try keeping an open mind and being positive. You really don't know how each relationship will play out, and perhaps you're fearful of this guy actually being "the one". Instead of playing into your fears and self-sabotaging, try taking things one step at a time. You're still getting to know him. You like spending time with him. Let go of all those doubts and try focusing and enjoying the present. Following are some tricks to keep you on track.

Remember: you aren't dating your past. Don't compare your new love to past relationships gone wrong. He is not your ex boyfriend. Let go of the fear of repeating yourself and get to know him before making quick judgments.

Turn off the critical chatter. My rule of thumb is, don't start critiquing someone who interests you until you've been out on at least six dates. We can always find things to complain or worry about, and this is our tendency as daters. Instead, try focusing on how he makes you feel, if you are excited to see him, and if he treats you with respect.

Don't second-guess his actions. If he opens the door for you, picks up the check, or calls you back immediately, don't second-guess his intentions. Likely he doesn't have ulterior motives, so don't assume he does. He's attracted to you. Enjoy the gestures!

Don't worry about what you don't know. A friend of mine started dating an older man, and after only two dates, was worried about introducing him to her young friends. She assumed that he would be dismissive of them, or that her friends would make fun of him. Instead of jumping to conclusions about how people will react, have some courage to wait and see what actually happens! You may be pleasantly surprised.

Also, I'll remind you that your friends and family aren't dating your love interest; you are. If he makes you happy, that's what's most important.

Last time, we talked about research conducted at Florida State University that studied the difference between how partnered men reacted to an attractive woman and how single men reacted to the same woman. The researchers found that the single men, as expected, found her most attractive during the most fertile stage of her menstrual cycle, while the men who were already in relationships found her least attractive during the same period of time. Their findings indicate that the brains of partnered men subconsciously override their natural impulses to be interested in attractive women in order to protect the relationships they are already in.

But what about the women? Do they show signs of the same subconscious brain function?

Heather Rupp, a neuroscientist at Indiana University, ran a similar study, to determine if sexual partner status affects a woman's interest in other men. 59 men and 56 women were asked to rate 510 photographs of opposite-sex faces. The participants ranged in age from 17 to 26, were heterosexual, and were asked to rate the pictures as quickly as possible, relying only on their "gut" reactions to each image. 21 women and 25 of the men reported having current sexual partners.

Rupp and her team found that both women with sexual partners and women without sexual partners showed little difference in their subjective ratings of the pictures when asked to consider factors like "masculinity" and "attractiveness." However, the women who did not have partners spent a larger amount of time evaluating the images, an indication that they had a greater interest in the subjects featured in them. The researchers believe that these results could indicate that women, in general, are relatively committed to their romantic relationships, and that this factor might influence women in a way that, like the men in the study at Florida State University, suppresses their interest in other potential partners.

Another study, led by John Lydon at McGill University in Montreal, confirmed these findings further. A group of men and women who were highly committed to their partners were asked to rate the attractiveness of people of the opposite sex in a series of pictures. The highest ratings, unsurprisingly, were given to the photographs of the people who would typically be considered attractive. But later, when the participants were shown similar pictures and told that the person featured in the image was interested in meeting them, the results changed. The participants consistently gave those pictures a lower rating than they had in the first portion of the study. "The more committed you are," Dr. Lydon explained to The New York Times, "the less attractive you find other people who threaten your relationship."

So what does that mean for monogamy? Is it actually a lot more realistic than many scientists seem to think? Be on the look out for "The Science of Monogamy," when we'll take a look at those exact questions...

Related Story: The Science Of Commitment, The Science Of Commitment, Part III

It’s been a long, cold, hard winter. But there’s a glimmer of light on the horizon; spring is on its way. We’ve passed Valentine’s Day, but now is the season for romance. Why? Simply put, we’re coming out of hibernation - at least, we should be.

For those looking to meet people the “old-fashioned” way, now is the time to get out in public and mingle. As the temperatures warm, people are leaving the warmth and isolation of their homes and congregating in the sun, be it at a park, a ball game, a flower show or an outdoor mall. Now is the season to be social - and unlike the winter holidays, there’s actually less social pressure. Instead of a holiday party where you’re expected to bring a date, in the spring and summer you can go to informal barbecues and impromptu Frisbee sessions. This season brings less formality and increased social options.

Those who prefer to stick with online dating sites can take advantage of the warmer weather as well. The sunny season provides interesting alternative first-date options - bird-watching, carnivals, badminton - that are more difficult to come by at other times of the year, when you’re confined indoors. And what better way to keep your profile fresh than to signify that you’ve embraced the warmer weather with open arms? Having a seasonal headline, a new default picture featuring the green of spring, or mentioning the outdoor activities you have planned are all easy ways to update your profile.

After spending a winter indoors, it can be easy to forget to get out in the fresh air. Making an effort to really enjoy the season has obvious benefits - mental, physical, and romantic. Why not take a cue from the birds and the bees?

To bring our "Science of Beauty" series to a close, let's take one last look at the work of psychologist, author, and professor David Perrett. Last time, we talked about Perrett's work on face perception and his recent book, "In Your Face: The New Science of Human Attraction." We discussed Perrett's views on the general rules that attractive faces and bodies follow, including symmetry, the waist-to-hip ratio, averageness, and femininity in female faces, as well as the ways in which a face can indicate positive qualities in potential mates, like health and fertility.

This time, we're going to look at the ways ageing, social learning, and our parents can affect the perception of attractiveness, and attempt to answer the question "Does your face create your personality, or does your personality create your face?"

Age And Beauty

In his book, Perrett writes that "We're at our cutest at about 8 months of age, and after that it's all downhill." Through his research, Perrett found that 8 months old, when babies have extremely large foreheads and very small chins, is the point at which the majority of people find human babies most attractive. After 8 months, the face grows at a rapid pace and develops features that are considered less and less cute.

Most online dating websites offer a pretty similar profile template. First, there’s the self-summary section, typically where you get a chance to do some actual writing. There’s usually a section where you fill in what you’re looking for in an ideal partner - also a good space to be eloquent. And then there are the countless “extra” questions, whether they go on a sidebar or fall somewhere below your “real writing.” What do we do with sidebar questions?

In general, I suggest you make them count. The easiest rule of thumb is: don’t fill out every single question available to you. If you don’t have an interesting or funny answer about what you’d do in a zombie apocalypse, just leave it blank. When only a few “extra” questions are answered, they become more important - and more likely to be read, not skimmed.

Laundry lists should be avoided when at all possible on online profiles - but if you absolutely have to list something, it’s better to set it off by itself in a sidebar question than have it interrupt the flow of your self-summary. For example, let’s say you are a huge movie fan. If, in the middle of your self-summary, you say, “I enjoy watching movies, such as V, W, X, Y, Z...” chances are you’ll lose your reader. However, if you simply list a (small!) selection of your favorite movies off to the side, the reader can get to them at their leisure, and the rhythm of of the self-summary is maintained.

Sometimes there’s a fact about you that you’d like to mention, but you’re afraid it will send the wrong message. Perhaps you’re a woman who owns a few cats. You want to mention that you have them, to avoid issues with allergies or cat-haters, but you can’t find a way to include it in the self-summary without it sounding more important than it really is. You don’t want to sound like a “crazy cat lady,” but it’s an issue worth mentioning. Here, using a side bar question is a great way to include information that just doesn’t “fit” in the self-summary. You get the facts out there, without sounding disjointed.

Your online dating profile should be as short, sweet, and interesting as possible. Extra sidebar questions should not be a dumping ground for everything you’ve edited out of your self-summary; however, they can be valuable in preserving the flow of a well-written profile. Use them to your advantage!

We all know the stereotype of a gold digger. These are women who are only after a man’s wallet, and nothing less than wealthy will do. They are superficial and don’t fall victim to romance, but instead prefer financial security. While this is true for some women, it’s not for the majority. Or is it?

According to recent studies, young women are more likely to graduate college and get jobs than their male counterparts. Many women are financially independent and successful in their careers compared to 30 years ago. Despite all of these accomplishments, there are still many women who are looking for men who are successful, ambitious, and let’s face it…rich.

Is this because they are looking to for men who are more ambitious than they are? Or are they craving a certain lifestyle, and are ready to throw in the career towel as soon as they find men who can provide it?

While the reasons vary, there’s no doubt about it: many women prefer men who are wealthy. While they don’t have to be Donald Trump, there is something appealing about men who own houses, their own businesses, and who have put everything else on hold to further their career and financial success. Women find a sense of security in dating men who can provide well. It’s attractive during the dating process to be taken to five-star restaurants and on romantic getaways. It heightens the romance, but should wealth be such an important factor in deciding if a man is right for you?

Instead of dismissing men who aren’t as financially successful as you’d like, try keeping a more open mind. Perhaps they are putting themselves through school to obtain a higher degree and get higher salaries. Or perhaps they have been through divorce and are building their assets back up. Maybe they are aspiring comedians or writers. Whatever the case, if they are happy in their careers and taking steps to improve their financial security, isn’t this just as attractive?

My advice is to think past the material success you crave now in a man to how you may feel ten years down the line. Will you still enjoy his company? What if he loses his money? Ultimately, you are partnering with the person, not his wallet.

Also, keep in mind that you can create your own financial success if you want a better lifestyle. Anyone can build career success with talent, hard work, and dedication. There’s no reason to wait for someone else to provide that for you.