Relationships

When we left off, Christian Rudder and the OkCupid research team were tackling a unique question: What if there weren't so many white people?

The online dating world - and, in fact, the Internet at large - is dominated by white users, who make up the largest percentage of both OkCupid members (74%) and message recipients on the site (89%). After gathering and analyzing data based on 82 million messages sent on OkCupid, the researchers rearranged their findings to create an artificial environment in which the online dating world was not dominated by white members. The numbers of average monthly messages received, per person, changed across the board:

• For white members the number decreased, though not significantly.
• For Latinos, the number increased and surpassed the number for whites.
• For Asians the number skyrocketed, placing them ahead of all other ethnic groups when it came to the number of messages received per month.
• For black members the number also increased, though not quite enough to overtake the users of other ethnic backgrounds.

Age played a role, but a relatively minor one. Asians proved to be the most popular users regardless of the age of the message senders, receiving at least 30% - but often more - of the messages on OkCupid. Latinos also maintained a consistent level of popularity, hovering around 25% for all users aged 18-50. White members saw a decrease in popularity as senders aged, beginning at 25% for 18 year old users and steadily dropping to 15% for 50 year old users. The popularity of black members, in contrast, rose as senders aged.

Next, Rudder put together a fascinating chart that must be experienced to really be understood. The graph, called "Who People Are Messaging" takes a look at the relationship between "racial bias" and "racial composition." Each factor can be adjusted to show what the graph would look like under current conditions, as well as how the chart changes when racial bias no longer exists and racial composition is equal. Rudder also breaks the results down into graphs based on messaging preferences by age, in a racially-balanced world.

But as interesting as graphs, charts, and numbers can be, eventually we have to get back to reality and ask: What does all of this look like in the real world?

"The kind of messaging imbalance that currently exists has observable effects on how people think about race and dating," writes Rudder. "Search for 'interracial couple' on a stock photo site: you'll find a rainbow of Asians, Latinos, Blacks, and Indians, all hanging out with their white significant others." And if you enter "Why do ______ [insert non-white race of your choice here] women like..." into Google, it autocompletes with "white men."

Despite OkCupid's findings indicating that Asians are the most desired racial group in the country, white members are still dominating online dating sites simply because there is a greater number of them, and they seem to prefer to date within their ethnic group...which brings up the question for next time: Do all races prefer to date within their own ethnic group? And what does that mean for the dating world?

In most cases, people who sign up for online dating sites are looking for love. However, while we often discuss how to write the best possible profile, how to take the best possible picture, and how to go on the best possible first date, we don’t often actually talk about love. What should love feel like? How soon should you find it? It’s a tricky subject, and highly subjective. Here’s my take on the issue:

First, there’s infatuation. This is a short-lived chemical rush in the brain. Usually when people talk about “butterflies” and start writing poetry, they’re in the throes of infatuation. Because infatuation is a chemical thing, it’s interesting to note that it doesn’t always have much to do with long-term love. You can be strongly infatuated with someone you can’t stand once the ‘rush’ is over; you can have a comparatively brief or mild period of infatuation but develop a strong relationship that lasts.

Depending on what you respond to, it’s absolutely possible that you could become infatuated with someone through email, or even through a profile. In those cases, the gamble is two-fold; not only do you run the typical risk of seeing where the relationship goes once the rush wears off, you have the additional possibility of not even liking the person once you’re in the same room. While, of course, you can’t control infatuation, it’s for this reason that I would advise trying to keep an objective view at least until the first in-person date.

Eventually the chemical infatuation wears off - but by no means does this mean love is gone. I tend to think of love as something separate, stronger. It may have formed during the infatuation period, when you couldn’t stand to be apart, but after that’s gone it’s the ties that keep you together even when you’re physically separated. Long-term relationships are when you hear about issues of compatibility - but almost any lifestyle difference can be conquered with communication. So what, really, is love, and why is it so hard to attain?

In my opinion, love isn’t something that happens overnight; it’s the deep respect and affection that builds over time. Maybe you can be instantly mutually attracted, and develop a strong relationship from that attraction, but would I call it “love at first sight”? No, I think of it as two events that blended seamlessly. And people get in trouble when they confuse infatuation with love.

So, as you meet people and go on dates, what should you focus on? Basic compatibility, chemistry, and communication. In my view, when all these are in order, love is something that sneaks in over time.

Although most online daters prefer quantity when it comes to finding matches, there are some who prefer people who share the same interests, mindset, or passion. While larger sites like Match.com or eHarmony are good for the majority of single men and women, niche online dating sites approach love from a different angle. Instead of appealing to the masses, they cater to those who have very specific guidelines of who they will and won't date.

Generally, my advice is to keep a more open mind and avoid limiting your options. But for those of you who aren't finding love via mainstream channels, niche dating sites might be a better option.

While the list of sites for every predilection is long, following are a few highlights for those who know what they are looking for:

Cupidtino.com - For the Apple lovers out there, this site provides matches who share the fervent passion for iPads and iPods that you do. Beware PC users: you can only access the site via Apple products.

DateMyPet.com - If you want to find someone who loves your pet as much as you do, this site might be for you. The profile section includes a section entitled "my pet would describe me as". If you're only looking for a playmate for Fido, the site offers this option as well.

DateForLeave.com - If you're in the military and are expecting to be deployed, this can definitely affect your opportunities for romance. Most people want to date someone they can see on a regular basis. But there are women and men who understand and share this lifestyle, so DateforLeave.com has established a site to help them connect.

TallFriends.com - While many women like their men tall, tall women often have more of a problem dating. They prefer to look men in the eye, or at least not tower over them. And men generally gravitate towards women who are shorter than they are. This website helps the tall folks get past the first date and the issue of height requirements.

TrekPassions.com - If you have been hiding your passion and knowledge for all things Star Trek when you date, this website allows you to release. Meet up with other fans as enthusiastic as you are, and see if there's a romantic connection as well.

Remember, if these sites do not work out for you, I would also recommend checking our eHarmony.com review and our Match.com review.

The world of online dating is attractive option to many, for a myriad of reasons. Maybe someone lives in a small town and wants to broaden their options. Maybe they have very specific interests and they’d like to find someone else to has them, too. Maybe they’re of a sexual orientation that isn’t easy to come by in their area. Or maybe they feel they can best express themselves through the written word, instead of meeting people through chance, causal contact.

The problem is, it’s not always easy to tell who is comfortable with the written word and who isn’t. Presumably profiles have been carefully edited, so they’re usually free from major error. For many, it’s not until the first email exchange that we begin to get a “real” sense of their writing skill. And sometimes, the results can be shocking.

If a profile is a carefully polished first impression, the equivalent of a glamorous date, then an email exchange can be more akin to knocking on someone’s door at 7am, when they’re in their bathrobe and slippers. Typos get by. Smilies abound. To someone who crafts an email like a novel, flagrant misuse of acronyms can actually be a distraction to the point of obscuring the personality of the email’s author.

If you’re the sort of person who would actually be offended by too many exclamation points, simply remember: not everyone excels at the written letter. And in fact, when you’re in a relationship, even one that started online, emails tend to go the way of the dinosaur. Are you going to let a few words in all capital letters be a barrier to a potential relationship, or will it someday become a little quirk that you chuckle and sigh about?

However, if you’re not Hemingway sitting at a typewriter, that’s no excuse to get sloppy when sending emails, particularly first-contact emails. For many, the majority of their emailing is informal, to friends and family. While you may someday be on intimate terms with a potential match, you aren’t yet; run a spellchecker, at the very least, and keep acronyms and smilies to a bare minimum.

It can be quite possible for a wordsmith and an exclamation abuser to find love through an online dating website; the key here is to remember that the profiles, the emails, are just tools to facilitate an in-person meeting. It’s in person, not in text, that the real sparks fly.

Let’s say you’ve found a potentially good match on an online dating site. You’ve sent a first-contact email, and it was well-received. Emailing has been going well, and finally a decision was made: it’s time to meet up in person for your very first date. The question becomes: what makes a good in-person date? How do you know it’s gone well?

Here are a few tips I’ve gleaned from friends, clients, and my own experiences. Naturally, personal interaction is just that - personal. Only you can find out how your own gut will respond. Still, here are few common threads I’ve noticed.

First, while emailing is a great way to assess common interests and hopefully catch any “creepy” red flags, it’s ultimately an unreliable indicator of whether you’ll have chemistry in person. You might be able to figure out if someone is a “good person;” you can gauge whether you have similar personalities or senses of humor; you can get to know them in perhaps a more stress-free, natural environment. Still, there’s no guarantee you’ll “click.” Go into your first date aware and understanding of that fact. Some people just make better penpals than romantic partners, and that’s okay.

The other thing to remember, however, is that a little bit of awkwardness at making the screen-to-face transition is natural. There might be strange pauses as you find your new pace of conversation. That’s okay, too. The trick is not to panic at the slightest awkward moment, and let it overpower you.

So what do you look for? Look at the date as a whole, and see if you feel both comfortable and excited. Do you eventually overcome your awkwardness and relax into conversation? Did you have a good time? And is there a spark of chemistry? There might not be a flock of butterflies or fireworks display, but most people will know whether there’s a certain sexual possibility in the future.

The question “Do you want to see this person again?” seems like oversimplifying, but in truth it’s as simple as that. If you have to really think about it, it might be time to move on. But if you hear a resounding “Yes!” and your potential match seems to feel the same - well, whether you have common interests, whether they’re your “type” or not, that’s really all you need to hear.

You've been staring at the guy across the bar for several minutes, trying to see if he's interested. You wait, nursing your drink and hoping that he might come over and talk to you. So far, it isn't happening.

Many men and women make the mistake of waiting for the object of their desire to approach, instead of taking the matter into their own hands and making the first move. Instead of waiting for your love life to happen, following are some tips to help you initiate romance and give your dating life some intrigue and excitement:

• Be flirty. This is not about having witty banter like you see in the movies. Flirting requires you to smile, lean in a little bit, and enjoy some initial boy-meets-girl conversation. If you're nervous and you look around, or pretend that you're not that interested to protect yourself from rejection, you won't get anywhere. Take a chance and have some fun. If he or she doesn't respond, move on.
• Be bold. Don't stand around for an hour debating the pros and cons of whether or not he's interested or if you should approach, just do it. Imagine how good you feel when someone approaches to flirt with you. Even if you're not interested, it's great to be noticed. Return the favor and be brave!
• Be confident. Don't look around or approach someone thinking that you'll be rejected. Go forward with confidence. Let them know you're interested. Confidence is attractive to everyone.
• Don't put too much stake in the response. Again, making the first move takes practice. You won't always be successful. This is not a reflection of you. Everyone has different tastes, so respect their choice and move on. You don't even know them, so there's nothing to lose!
• Be aware of body language. So many women are guilty of avoiding eye contact or crossing their arms when they're nervous or self-conscious. Unfortunately, this sends a signal to men that you aren't interested. Again, be bold and make eye contact. This is usually the first move to give permission to approach.

Happy dating!