Relationships

We've all been there: we're considering ending a relationship that we realize has no future, and before we know it, we've been "considering" it for months, maybe even years, with no sign of actually taking the action required to dissolve the doomed partnership and move on. It's a cycle of complacency that most women - and plenty of men - find themselves trapped in at least once in their lives. Contemplate breaking up, put it off...contemplate breaking up, put it off...contemplate breaking up, put it off...

You get the picture, and it's not a pretty one. Despite clearly knowing that things are over with Mr. Not-Right-Not-Right-Now-Not-Ever, we often find ourselves procrastinating when it comes to breaking up, instead allowing ourselves to wallow unhealthily in a dead-end relationship. According to a host of relationship experts, these are the top 5 reasons women stay with men they're no longer interested in:

1. Influence from her family. Experts believe that a woman's predilection for going after men who are not right for her has a lot to do with her upbringing as a child. Our beliefs and behaviors are shaped by what we observe as children, so when we become adults we tend to fall back on the behavior patterns we learned when we were young. A child of parents who do not give her the love, affection, and attention she needs is likely to be attracted to men who also do not meet her emotional needs. Though a relationship with that kind of man will never make her happy, she finds herself seeking them out because it feels comfortable and familiar. She settles for less than what she wants and needs because it's all she feels she deserves.
2. She fears being alone. The archaic concept of the "spinster" still haunts many women, though it is clearly outdated and destructive. A woman who has internalized the idea that she needs a man to take care of her will stay in a bad relationship out of a misguided sense of self-preservation, to avoid the "terrifying" prospect of being alone.
3. She falsely believes that her partner "needs" her. Everyone likes to feel needed, but women often seem to be especially susceptible to an addiction to the feeling of being indispensable. Women have a tendency to equate selflessness with over-giving, even when their partner doesn't give anything in return, and call it "love" when it's really "dependency." A woman who thinks that a man's life will change in a negative way if she leaves - he'll become depressed, he'll slip back into alcoholism, etc. - will remain in an unhealthy relationship because serving him makes her feel good about herself. In reality, however, she is the one who needs emotional support.

The countdown continues next time...

A little while ago, we took a look at some of the findings from a recent study conducted by the Oxford Internet Institute that collected data from cohabitating couples in 18 countries. Each participant was asked questions like:

• How did you meet your partner?
• What dating strategies did you use prior to meeting your current partner?
• How do you maintain your current relationships and social networks?
• How do you use the Internet in everyday life and work?

Several patterns became clear from the data:

1. Success through online dating is steadily on the rise. More than a quarter of the relationships studied that started within the last 5 years began online.
2. Dating online compliments dating in the offline world, which is still popular despite the explosion of online dating sites.
3. Nearly half of people who meet online do not actually meet using dating Web sites, but rather connect through more general social networking sites.

Using online dating sites to find love was most popular in Germany, where 29% of the couples studied reported meeting their current partners online. Sweden followed closely behind, with 28%, while Greece and Ireland represented the lowest percentage, with fewer than 16% of couples saying that they met online.

The most popular offline location to meet people was, surprisingly, the workplace - 20% of couples who met their partner offline said that they met at work. Church, on the other hand, was the least successful love location: less than 2% of couples said they'd met there, and only 1 in 15 who said they were actively looking for love at church had found it.

The study found that gay men use online dating more than anyone else, with 50% turning to online dating sites, while heterosexual men prefer to search in bars and clubs (73%).

Of the couples who reported meeting their current partner online, only 38.5% said they had met through an online dating site. The rest met in places like:

• Chat rooms: 24%
• Social networking sites: 14%
• Bulletin boards: 8%

Though that might not sound like much compared to the 38.5% who did meet using online dating sites, consider this important point raised by Marina Adshade: MySpace wasn't around until 2003, the same year that LinkedIn was born, and Facebook didn't go online until a year later. The OII's research covers all couples that met since 1980, far before the proliferation of social networking sites. Looking only at couples who met after these sites became available, the popularity of social networking sites would likely be much greater. So next time you update your online dating profile, consider updating your profile on Facebook as well...you never know where love might be hiding!

Perhaps you're wondering why your friend seems to have no trouble getting a date, even though he's not looking for a girlfriend. For you, it is more difficult. You can approach women at the bar, but they seem standoffish. Or perhaps you've tried online dating but can't seem to connect.

If you're wondering why a nice guy like yourself can't seem to catch a break, or think that all women are only after rich, handsome players think again. Women are looking to connect as much as you are. Following are a few tips for attracting them to you:

Be bold. Most women still expect men to approach them in social situations. If you're waiting for them to talk to you, you could be waiting a long time. Go up to her and offer to buy her a drink and strike up a conversation.

Be confident. Women are attracted to confident men. If you're feeling insecure, instead of trying to hide your weaknesses, remind yourself of your strengths and emphasize those. I don't mean bragging about your career or sexual prowess! I mean, if you're a good listener, ask questions. If you're funny, bring out your sense of humor. If you engage, women respond.

Be light-hearted. If you can't resist talking about your ex or problems you're having at work, then don't expect much to happen in your love life. Most women aren't interested in your past, they want to know what you can offer them in a relationship. They want to know you are fun, smart and funny. Keep the conversation light and flirty.

Remember your manners. I've been out with a lot of men who talked with their mouths full, walked in front of me, didn't offer to buy me a drink, answered their phones during dinner...you get the picture. Remember that consideration goes a long way.

Don't look around at all the other women in the room. This may seem like a no-brainer, but most men aren't aware they do this while they are talking to a woman. Maybe they look around because of nerves, but we assume that they are looking at other women and seeing who else they can approach. This can kill attraction before it even starts. If you want to be successful, give a woman your full attention and resist the urge to turn your head when a beautiful blonde walks by.

After a long winter, the wait for spring seems interminable. And just when the weather starts to warm and we begin to look forward to barbecues and the beach, we get another cold snap. Even though we know summer will inevitably arrive, it feels a world away.

Online dating can be even more difficult. Unlike the turn of the Earth, there’s no deadline for romance. And sometimes, what can be even more frustrating than a profile that obviously needs work, is one that seems to bring results one week, but not the next.

“I don’t understand,” my friend Sarah said to me recently. “When I first put up my profile, I got at least a few winks, even a few emails. Nothing has changed, but now I’m not even getting responses to the emails I send.”

It would be nice if fate were kind enough to churn, say, three new compatible prospects out into the world each month. Without delay, they would find our profiles and contact us immediately. Reality, unfortunately, is rarely so convenient. Sometimes there simply aren’t any people out there who meet our criteria and are searching on our site. Sometimes there might be two or more.

So what can you do during a dry spell? Well, there are a few options. First, you can look for ways to freshen up your profile; though you don’t want to fix what isn’t broken, you want to make sure nothing is blatantly out-of-date. If someone reads that you’re looking forward to a movie that came out last year, they might not think you even use the site anymore; that’s a potentially large problem with an easy fix.

If you’re beginning to feel like you’ve exhausted the resources of your online dating site, you can always try another one. There are many free sites available. A change of scenery, even if it’s not necessarily the best fit for you, can be refreshing and make a long wait more interesting.

Finally, though it may be difficult, remember to have patience. Your potential matches aren’t just profiles and pictures; they’re real people, living their lives, operating on their own schedules. It can be frustrating, to be sure; but when schedules work themselves out and you find a chance at love, it's well worth the wait.

We've all witnessed a man magnet: she is the woman who can walk into a room and instantly all the single men in proximity gather round her. Maybe she's beautiful, but often, it's something else that makes her so irresistible. So, what's the secret of these man magnets, and can the rest of us learn their tricks?

The short answer is, it's possible for any of us to be a man magnet. The key is being open to meeting men and making yourself approachable. There are many ways we close ourselves off from potential love interests. By being more aware of your own tendencies in social situations and trying something new, you can revamp your love life. Following are some specific tips.

Make eye contact. I've said it before, but it's worth repeating. Men look at eye contact as a signal that it's okay to approach, so if you're avoiding it or looking away, don't expect them to come closer.

Don't isolate yourself. If you're at a party with friends, do you tend to stay with them rather than going off on your own to introduce yourself to others? Instead of staying in your comfort zone surrounded by people you know, draw other people in and circulate. Putting yourself out there is a necessary step to making yourself approachable and becoming the woman who men want to meet.

Have fun. If you're in a bad mood, stressed from work or frustrated with dating, this will come across to the people around you even if you don't talk about your troubles. Energy and body language can attract or repel. Remember to smile and lighten up. Check in with yourself before you go out, and be sure to leave your negativity at home.

Be comfortable in your own skin. Feeling insecure? So does everyone else, so don't worry about it so much. Instead of wondering how you're coming across, or what others think about you, know that you are unique and wonderful and there's nobody quite like you. When you embrace who you are, others can't help but be attracted and want to get to know you.

Compliment and flirt! It's true that women tend to get complimented frequently compared to men. The truth is, we all like it when someone notices how we look, so why not return the favor and flatter the men around you? There's nothing wrong with a little flirtatious banter. They will be sure to take notice.

Congratulations to Wills and Kate - the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge!

All eyes were on England this weekend, as Prince William wed his long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton. William and Kate met in 2001, while studying in Scotland at the University of St. Andrews, and dated until a brief split in 2007. After rekindling their romance later that year, and going public with their relationship, speculation that Kate and William would soon be engaged ran rampant. As time passed, and no engagement was announced, Kate was branded "Waity Katie" by the media for sticking by a man who seemingly had no intention of ever marrying her.

What was William waiting for? Who knows...but whatever it was, he finally found it in October of 2010, when he proposed to Kate during a trip to Kenya.

Hearing that story over, and over, and over again in the weeks leading up to the wedding got me wondering: What was Prince William thinking? What was going through his mind as he decided whether or not to propose? And what should everyone - second in line to the British throne or not - take into consideration before taking the plunge?

Ask yourself questions like:

• Am I really ready to settle down? Deciding to commit to someone before you feel that you've taken advantage of every opportunity single life could offer you is likely to lead to regret and resentment. But if you're constantly being nagged by a feeling that there's something more, then listen to your gut and take the next steps.
• How do I feel about his/her family? You don't have to move in with the 'rents and start referring to them as Mom and Pops, but marriage means becoming a part of a new family. If you can't stand them, but your S.O. loves spending quality time together, you're going to run into problems.
• When I think of the future, are we together? You know you're with someone special when you realize that, unbeknownst to you, they've somehow become an integral part of your vision for your future. Do you catch yourself imagining what it would be like to visit Europe together? To go skydiving together? To buy a house together? When you've reached a point where you can't picture your life without him or her, you know you've found a keeper.
• Can I live with his/her quirks? If the little habits like leaving yesterday's clothing on the floor or forgetting to wipe down a wet sink are a constant source of annoyance, marriage might not be a good idea. On the other hand, a partner whose quirks you love is a partner you can be with for life.

More questions to ask before popping the question - or saying yes - next time...