Relationships

Finding your perfect match is a complex process at the best of times, and with the flood of conflicting dating advice provided by television psychologists, dating coaches, and lovelorn singles in online forums, the search for love has become even more complicated.

Dating isn't an exact science and never will be - but scientists around the world are conducting research and gathering data to take as much mystery and confusion out of your love life as possible.

Enter Jason Goldman, a doctoral student in developmental psychology at the University of Southern California, who reviewed the results of 7 scientific inquiries into love and attraction in The Guardian earlier this year.

So what does science have to say about the quest for The One?

• Temperature can influence a date's assessment of your personality. A study found that participants who were holding a cup of hot tea were more likely to judge another person as having a "warmer" personality than participants who were asked to hold a cup of iced coffee. What this means for your love life: If you want a second date, it might be prudent to refrain from taking your sweetie to the local ice-skating rink or on a guided tour of your favorite gelato factory. Try glass blowing instead.
• The right ear is the right choice. Two Italian psychologists conducted a study in nightclubs in which an actress approached men and women and asked for a cigarette. Unsurprisingly, men were more likely to comply with her request than women...but more surprisingly, her request was granted more frequently when she spoke in a person's right ear rather than their left. What this means for your love life: Next time you feel the need to whisper sweet nothings in your honey's ear, make sure it's the right.
• Monitor the contents of your iTunes playlists. Psychologists in France played music for single women who thought they were waiting for the experiment to begin. Later, they interacted with a male participant while filling out a marketing survey. When the survey was complete, he asked for their phone numbers. Women who had been listening to romantic lyrics prior to the survey were more likely to give out their phone numbers than women who were listening to songs with neutral lyrics. What this means for your love life: The polka playlists have got to go.
• Red is most definitely the color of passion. A 2008 study at the University of Rochester found that women wearing red or posing in front of a red background were considered more attractive and more sexually desirable by male participants than women wearing other colors. A later study by the same researchers found that women also show a bias for men wearing red clothing, though neither gender is consciously aware of this preference. What this means for your love life: It's time to makeover your wardrobe and learn to make the most of your sunburns.

Three more tips from scientists studying love next time...

There are many politicians and celebrities that have been burned by social media mishaps. Most recently, Representative Anthony Weiner of New York unintentionally posted a private picture to his Twitter feed, making him the latest public person to suffer the consequences of these types of mistakes.

Unfortunately, in the digital age it's easy to make such mistakes. Luckily, most of us aren't in the public eye. But when we date, our Facebook status reports, Twitter feeds, and FourSquare locations are easily accessible for potential suitors. This makes us vulnerable to the same judgments public figures receive, no matter how few people we think our viewing our random musings. When you date, you are easily found through a Google search, so it's best to be prepared.

Following are some tips to keep you safely engaged with social media:

Filter your pictures. Obviously as we've learned from politicians and celebrities, it's never a good idea for personal pictures of yourself to be anywhere online. Same thing with any drunk or lewd photos. It's too easy for it to get into the wrong hands, or to accidentally post to your Twitter feed (ahem) instead of a DM. Don't put yourself in the position of having to defend yourself to someone you're meeting for the first time.

Recognize that your words live forever. Those comments you left on your ex's site or the status reports where you admitted to being a lush may come back to haunt you. While these words might have only been typed in the heat of the moment, they tend to hang around for new friends to see. Be careful in how much you share.

Don't friend your dates so quickly. I know that it's tempting to friend someone after a fabulous date, but use restraint. You never know how things will work out, and do you really want a virtual stranger digging through your Facebook page? Wait until you've dated a while and have had a chance to get to know each other. Don't use your dates as a way to get your friend count up, either.

Use privacy settings. If you want to restrict who reads your tweets or Facebook page, there are privacy settings you can use effectively. Please check into these if you would rather post more freely.

Don't mistake public for private messages. It's really easy when you're in a hurry to tweet something that you meant to send over DM instead, or to post to someone's wall instead of emailing her directly. Because of this, it's best to take an extra few seconds to double-check before you hit "send"...every time.

When you give or receive a gift, whether it’s from a significant other, someone you’ve just begun dating or a new friend, pay close attention. Not to the gift itself; granted, that will certainly be the result of some hard thought and it’s worthy of appreciation. However, looking at how the gift was given - the method of execution - can provide illuminating insights into the gift-giver.

Consider your own personal traditions. How do you deal with the winter holidays? Birthdays? Do you like total surprises, or something chosen from a specific list? Do you like to be the center of attention? Is there usually a meal associated with gift-giving holidays?

Chances are, many of your own personal traditions were formulated growing up, maybe from your family, or as a reaction against them. Now consider your partner; they have their own unique set of traditions, shaped by their own experiences, their own values.

When people select gifts for one another, they try to find something they think the recipient will like; that’s not surprising. What is interesting is that when someone tries to make a gift meaningful or special, they’ll look at their own values to make it so.

For example: someone who values homemade objects might make a homemade gift to show their affection. For someone else, it may be that a more expensive gift shows just how much they value the relationship. Maybe the gift is an elaborate surprise; it’s the time and the consideration in the planning that’s the real present. Observe your partner when they plan a gift for you or someone else; you just may be seeing a glimpse of what they truly value and appreciate.

Thus, the next time you receive a gift, look at more than what you literally hold in your hands. Was your partner trying to get a plan out of you for weeks? Did they bake you a cake, or make you a dinner? By observing what they find special, you’ll be able to make the next celebration special for them, too.

Summer’s just about here, and the temperature is rising. After the long winter we’ve had, planning your first date somewhere outdoors might seem like just the ticket. After all, a game of mini-golf or a hike certainly isn’t the usual, cut-and paste first meeting. However, as you make your plans, remember to keep in mind the elements that contribute to a great first date.

Comfort should be first and foremost when planning a date. An outdoor date can be absolutely beautiful and memorable, but you’re at the mercy of the weather. If you’re sweltering or getting drenched by a summer rainstorm, you’re focusing on your own comfort, and not on whether you have a spark of chemistry with your potential match. Keep a close eye on the weather forecast in the days and hours leading up to your date, and have a backup suggestion ready if the weather isn’t cooperating.

Some minor comfort issues can be easily mitigated if you simply plan ahead. For example, bringing sunscreen can prevent a crabby, sunburned end to the day. Having a large, two-person umbrella on hand could save the day and the date.

For most people, the point of a date isn’t to impress their partner with their athletic prowess or their daredevil sense of adventure; it’s to actually get to know their date. Thus, when choosing an activity, make sure you’ll actually have time to talk and hear one another. Some people get so caught up in finding a novel activity that they forget to consider whether it’s actually conducive to good communication.

Finally, remember to consider the needs of your date. Maybe they’re allergic to the sun. Maybe they’re far more comfortable in an air-conditioned coffee shop. A seasonally-appropriate, outdoor date can be a ton of fun; just make sure it’s a good fit for you and your date.

In online dating, we’re encouraged to make quick decisions, to rely on first impressions and gut instinct. For the most part, this makes sense within the context of the format; a profile has theoretically been edited and should represent one of the best first impressions one can make. Often people who utilize online dating sites have busy or irregular schedules, and a simple “yes” or “no” works best for their lifestyle. And let’s not discount the value of a gut reaction - more often than not, a strong feeling of like or dislike pays off in the end.

So who doesn’t benefit from a quick decision? The people that don’t elicit strong reactions one way or the other, for one. Remember, though we’re encouraged to make snap decisions, the jury’s still out on whether love at first sight truly exists. It’s easy to make a decision when you clearly have strong chemistry, or you’re clearly offended, but how do you know when there’s room for your relationship to grow?

It’s also important to remember that though online dating profiles have been meticulously polished and given the best presentation, the same can’t be said when you meet in person. Maybe you’re having a bad day and you’re feeling particularly critical. Maybe the same could be said for your potential match. Maybe someone’s coming down with a cold and is having difficulty focusing. In a “real time” situation, snap judgments aren’t quite as reliable.

So what do you do if you’re on the fence? First, evaluate your feelings carefully. Do you feel you’re being truly fair, or were you distracted and cross on your date? Are you truly on the fence, or do you just dislike having to reject someone? If you’re just feeling guilty about having to be the “bad guy,” do yourself and your potential match a favor and end it sooner than later - you’ll save a lot of confusion and awkwardness for the both of you.

If, however, you think you might benefit from another chance, go ahead and give it a shot. If the situation doesn’t improve, you’ll know you’re making the right decision. Regardless of the outcome, one extra date isn’t a bad tradeoff for the peace of a firm decision.

Although I lean towards optimism and open-mindedness when it comes to dating, not everyone is deserving of a second chance. After all, when you're online dating, you have no references so you have to trust your instincts. And sometimes our instincts are screaming, "not this one!" but we don't pay attention. It's good to remember to be cautious as well as open to meeting new people.

If you're having trouble listening to your gut, following are some tips to tell if a man isn't a good candidate for a second date:

He drinks too much. There's nothing wrong with enjoying some cocktails or a glass of wine together. But if he finishes four shots of whisky before you've even ordered dinner, there's cause to worry, especially if he offers to give you a ride later on. Feel free to walk away and take a cab home.

He talks too much. Confidence is attractive, but when a man starts to brag or talk incessantly about himself without asking you questions, likely he isn't interested in getting to know you. He's much too interested in impressing than connecting, which means he isn't good relationship material.

He's rude. I had a friend who was set up on a blind date, and when she arrived, her date said rather pointedly, "I thought you'd be prettier in person." If he's insulting to you, the waiter or bartender at a bar or restaurant, or the valet, forget it. He should at least be cordial to everyone he encounters.

He can't keep eye contact. If he can't keep his focus on you when you're talking and instead looks around at every other woman in the room, this is an indication that he wouldn't be focused on you in a relationship. This kind of man isn't worth the wonder or the heartache.

His exes are all "psychos." If a man starts bashing his exes and calling women in general crazy, watch out. You could be next on his list. When I went out with a man who persisted in telling tales of how awful his exes were, it was a complete turn-off. Plus, it showed me his own lack of responsibility and inability to see things from another perspective when it comes to being in a relationship.

He gets sexual early and without invitation. If a man is putting his hand on your leg, touching you inappropriately, or making lewd comments on a first date in order to be flirtatious, this is a sign that he isn't respecting you. He wants his needs met, not yours. Be firm in establishing boundaries with him.

Most importantly, listen to your gut when it comes to meeting a man on a first date. It's usually correct.