Relationships

Nearly everyone has had it happen to them once or twice: they meet an attractive person, who seems perfectly friendly. A great conversation ensues. Hopes are getting raised, and then you find out: they’re already taken. Why does it often seem that the “good ones” have been found first? Is it really as simple as all that?

Well, not necessarily. You’ve probably heard many times before that one of the greatest assets you can have is confidence - that it can literally make you look more attractive. When you’re already in a relationship, you’re not worried and nervous about making a good impression; you’re confident. Chances are, you’re also more comfortable in speaking with someone who you might otherwise be interested in. Without the romantic tension, your personality is free to come out. Confidence and animated, interesting conversation: two traits that are typically very desirable when you’re looking for a match.

There’s also the matter of a slight imbalance in perception. When you’re single, it’s easy to look at almost anything through the lens of a potential match; you’re trained to pick up certain signals that indicate a person is interested. When you’re already in a relationship, you might still be looking for friends - platonic ones. There shouldn’t be very much chemistry or tension, but most of the other signals are pretty much the same. I’ve heard friends say, “But he acted interested!” Well, maybe he was - just not in the same sort of relationship!

So, how can we use this knowledge to our advantage? Well, let it serve as an example of a few key concepts. First, it’s proof that being relaxed and confident really can make you more appealing; it’s a skill worth working on. Second, it just goes to show that there isn’t a world of different between friendship and romance; they’re both relationships. So why do we let ourselves get worked up about meeting someone new and attractive? As you go on your next date, remind yourself that you really are looking for a new friend - with extra chemistry. Perhaps it will help ease the nerves, and you will wind up being the one who’s confident and comfortable.

Let’s say you’ve met someone who you think is just great. You have several interests in common, and you have fun on your dates. But after a certain amount of time - months, let’s say - you’re beginning to hit a lull. You’ve gone to all the “cool” places for dates, and you’ve done everything together that you can. Now you’re starting to repeat yourself, but you don’t feel like you’re quite ready to settle into the “night in” routine. When you’ve exhausted all of your common interests, where do you turn for date plans?

First, try to find something to do that is completely foreign to the both of you. You might have a blast! It might be an unmitigated disaster - but taking on the disaster together can still lead to a night of camaraderie and romance. It’s the idea of having an adventure together that’s important more than the actual activity. Remember to consider the two of you as you select it, however - you want to find something that has an equal shot at fun for the both of you. If one of you is incredibly athletic and the other isn’t, a new difficult sport might not be the best choice for the two of you together.

Next, try a “trade-off.” Chances are that you each have interests that the other doesn’t share. Trading dates - exchanging one interest for another - is a sweet gesture and a chance to show your date another side of yourself. Just remember that in order for this to work, both parties have to be equally willing; letting yourself be dragged, whining, to the opera is just going to bring both parties down. A deal only works if both want to give it an honest shot. For this reason, it’s best to negotiate the terms for both dates well in advance.

Finally, a “night in” doesn’t have to mean one spent in front of the television. Try arranging a “game night,” either alone or with friends. You could try cooking a new recipe together, and film it to make your own “cooking show.” The possibilities are endless! Remember that the goal is really to spend time together; while outside entertainment is fun, a couple that truly enjoys one another can even make a fun night of sitting in front of the TV.

So you’ve decided to make a profile for whatever online dating site you’ve chosen. Because you want to meet your future “significant other.” You want to find your “best friend,” your “partner in crime.” You want “romance” and “love.” You want to “hold hands” and have “great conversations.”

Okay, fine, I’ll admit it. That’s not all you want. When you meet someone and you have instant chemistry, mutual attraction, that’s not “love” you’re feeling. You’re a human being, and you have less cerebral needs, too. And that’s okay.

The question is, how do you cover this in your online profile? Should you even mention it at all? Whether you’re a man or a woman, this is a tricky subject. Sure, you might have desires - but if you talk about them, what kind of attention will that bring?

The Internet is full of people who are only looking for temporary, physical hookups. You can find them just about anywhere, and certainly on dating sites as well. If all you’re looking for is a fling, or maybe a very specific kind of fling, there’s no harm in talking about it as explicitly as you want - just remember there’s always the chance your widowed grandmother is on the site, so choose your words and your user name accordingly.

However, what if you really would like something more long-term and well-rounded? Then you’re looking to attract someone who’s there for the same thing - and that’s where the nuance comes in. This is even trickier for a man than it is for a woman. If a woman implies that she’s looking for something physical, she at least has a chance of being perceived as saucy, though she does run the risk of not being taken seriously by “nice guys.” When a man does it, it’s far more likely that he’ll cross the perception line into “creepy” territory. It’s an unfortunate double standard, but it’s not an easy balance for anyone.

So, what to do? Well, as previously mentioned, we’re all human beings - and we can use that knowledge to our advantage. With very little exception, we all have the same needs and desires. So it’s safest to cut anything more primal out altogether. Sure, it might seem a little bland - but we all know you aren’t just looking for a partner with whom to go rock-climbing, after all.

For more information on a dating site that is for singles wishing for a physical relationship you should check out our Passion.com review.

Even if you haven’t seen the particular 1980’s movie I’m about to reference, you’re probably familiar with the general concept in some form or another: Two boys input everything they want in a girl into a computer, wire up a doll, and presto! The perfect woman.

When you first enter the world on online dating, it’s not uncommon to hope, somewhere in the back of your mind, for the same sort of thing. No, not a literal, magical, perfect being - but most want the perfect person for them. It’s not really an unreasonable desire, either. Everyone wants a best friend, a partner in crime, someone who likes all the same things you do, who brings out the best in you.

Here’s the thing, though: it’s totally possible that sort of person exists - it might not even be a long shot - but chances are, that’s not all the person will be. Very few people exist as the Perfect, Ready-Made Significant Other. Maybe they’ll have a family you can’t stand. Maybe they like most of the same things you do - but they also love things that curl your hair. Perhaps you’re a major football fan of a specific team, and they attended the rival school.

Remember that while, yes, you are looking for the perfect match for you, you’re also searching for a compatible human being - not a clone, and not someone designed to be your complement. Nobody really goes perfectly together without some differences - and that’s not a bad thing. After all, from differences can come growth in understanding and perspective - not to mention that they can keep things interesting!

Just remember, as you study profiles, send out emails and go on dates, that you’re looking for a real human being, and those come with the good and the bad. It’s possible that not all of your preferences will line up - but since it’s not just about you, that’s okay.

Here are some dating statistics from the POF Blog. I believe these numbers are for 2011 and just concern the United States.

• There are 54 million singles
• Of those 10 percent (5.5 million) are currently using a dating service
• 2.6 million pay for the service leaving 2.9 million that do not.
• Overall 8.8 million have tried online dating

According to the US Census in 2009 there were 95.9 million unmarried people in the US. So I guess about 40 percent of those must be in some sort of common law relationship and just have not married. I believe that the 10 percent figure of people who use dating sites probably has not changed much over the last 5 years. The trick now for dating sites is to get the other 49 million to try online dating.

People like to make a big deal out of first impressions. We even have a cutsy instructive saying about them: "You never get a second chance to make a first impression."

All that emphasis on first impressions isn't without cause. It's a lot harder to change someone's mind later than it is to make sure they develop the right impression in the first place. Just think of another famous saying: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." If you never break it, you'll never have to fix it, so pay attention to the impressions you're creating with each message, each phone call, and each date. A bad first impression could very well mean never getting a second chance - or a second date - to impress someone.

Here are five suggestions for making a first impression you won't have to fix:

1. Don't look like you just rolled out of bed after an all night bender at the local frat house. You shouldn't look like you spent hours getting ready, obsessing over every detail, either, but a little effort (and basic hygiene) goes a long way. Shower, shave, brush your teeth, comb your hair, and make sure you smell nice. Dress in something that's flattering, comfortable, and doesn't look like it came out of the laundry basket. The best first date outfits are stylish without being trendy, and make you feel confident and attractive.
2. Arrive on time. Members of my family are notoriously late for everything so I blame my DNA for my chronic tardiness, but there are few excuses for being late on a first date and your defective genes are definitely not one of them. When you fail to show up on time, your date will think that you're unreliable, disorganized, rude, and disinterested. And in return, your date might fail to be waiting for you when you finally do show up.
3. Keep the focus on your date. Your date should be the center of your attention at all times, not the attractive person you notice walking their dog across the street or the hottie server at the restaurant. You should also never bring a friend along on a date unless it's explicitly clear from the beginning, for all parties involved, that the date is a group activity.
4. Hold a competent, interesting conversation. Don't dominate the conversation on a date - be sure you're asking at least as many questions as you're answering, and show your genuine interest in getting to know your date better by asking follow up questions as well. Show off your sense of humor, save the most controversial topics for later, and don't be afraid of a little silence when it happens.
5. Remain in the present. No date wants to spend an evening hearing every sordid detail about your past relationships. Failure to concentrate on your current date because you're too busy talking about a past date is a great way to guarantee that you will never see that person again. Keep positive and stay in the moment.