Relationships

We've talked already, in "5 Ways To Get A Second Date," about how to make a first impression that doesn't require damage control from an expensive Hollywood PR team. The first date do's included arriving on time and holding a conversation that doesn't sound like your beer-based ramblings when "Last call!" is shouted at the local dive bar.

Now let's take a look at a few of the ways you can totally blow it. Here are 5 first date don'ts that will guarantee that you do not get a second date:

1. Forgetting basic etiquette. We've left the Stone Age behind for a reason - it was cold, messy, and not very sexy. Don't spend all night texting your friends instead of interacting with your date. Don't chew with your mouth open. Don't be rude to the waitstaff and any other service professionals you encounter. Don't drink so much that you can't even remember your date's name.
2. Dragging every skeleton out of your closet. There's a time and a place to discuss the more challenging moments in your past, but a first date is not it. A date should never feel that they've suddenly become your therapist. It's also wise to steer clear of topics that are clearly controversial and subjects that make you overly emotional. Light, positive fare is what's on the menu for a first date.
3. Descending into "creepy" territory. Remember that on a first date, you aren't much more than a stranger. Dating is all about getting to know someone, but it's important to respect boundaries. Don't ask questions that are too personal on a first date, and don't bring up intensely sexual subject matter that may make your date feel uncomfortable. Monitor your body language and physical interactions as well.
4. Being needy. Relax - this is just a first date. You don't need to bring an expensive gift as a token of your affection, and you definitely don't need to start discussing your future together. Leave the deep conversations about marriage and children for a future date.
5. Lying. Never try to be someone you're not in order to impress a date. Keeping up the ruse over subsequent dates is nearly impossible and almost guaranteed to backfire. When your lies are exposed, your credibility will be gone and so will your date. Besides, you want someone to be interested in you, not in a character you've invented.

In elementary school, students are often sent to “interview” older family members, neighbors, and acquaintances. They might be asking them what life was like during a certain point in history, or how they became successful in their careers. However, it never seems to occur to anyone to talk about how and why their marriage has lasted decades, or how to make a long-distance relationship successful.

Yes, it’s important to remember that every relationship is unique, comprised of at least two unique individuals. Still, there’s nothing wrong with having a wide array of tips and tricks to choose from. The problem is that we tend to regard relationships as almost unknowable - and think that those who have made them work must be privy to some knowledge, handed down in a secret ceremony by the light of the full moon. In reality, it’s possible they’ve simply never been asked.

So next time you’re visiting family or friends, put on your journalist hat and look around. Who’s in an apparently successful long-term relationship? Who would you like to emulate? Instead of thinking of love as some mysterious, uncrackable code, interview the masters of the trade and ask them to share. The worst they can do is say no.

Now, remember - occasionally appearances can be deceiving. There’s always the couple that looks perfect but isn’t. Sometimes elderly couples might operate on philosophies that you find outdated or non-applicable. That’s okay - mentally file it away. Who knows what insight it might give you at another time?

What you’re striving to do is not literally copy an established couple, but gain as much general knowledge as you can about relationships and the various ways to handle them. Then, in your own relationships, you can use what works, discard what doesn’t, and make up a few rules of your own as you go along. This is what you would do if you were raising a child, starting a new job, or moving to a new place - why not apply it to love as well?

Recently I met a guy, “Roy,” who told me he had relationship problems.

“I’m really awkward,” he said (in a forum). “I’m shy, and I’m just miserable at talking to people.”

Here’s the thing, though - he wasn’t miserable at talking to people. Whether it was pre-prepared posts or real-time text chat, he seemed confident, funny and interesting. And I’m not the first person to think so - Roy told me he’s had several relationships that have begun on the Internet, but typically didn’t work out due to distance issues.

“I don’t understand,” I said. “You said you were awkward, but I haven’t gotten that impression at all.”

“Typing on the Internet is just easier,” he said.

Though we don’t often think about it, human interaction is a skill we have to learn - and one we can lose if we don’t practice. Roy is shy, yes, but he’s also better at talking on the Internet because he does all the time, both for work and social interaction. He’s learned to express himself eloquently, and he’s comfortable with that medium.

In person, he’s not as adept, because he doesn’t often have to approach new people (unless they’re women he’s interested in - which just ups the pressure).

So, what can Roy do?

First, start small - he needs to approach people that he’s not interested in, so that he breaks the cycle of nerves. Just small talk, say, with the grocery store cashier. Next, he needs to move up to starting actual conversations - again, preferably with new people of either gender that he’s not attracted to. First he needs to become good at conversing easily in person; approaching someone he’s interested in is an entirely different step.

Finally, once he’s ready to talk to someone who appeals to him, he can’t consider it a cold-call for a date. Instead of approaching an attractive woman and blurting out a question, he needs to strike up a conversation, just as he would if she were the postman. If the conversation goes well, he can take it from there; if not, he’s just made small talk, which isn’t embarrassing at all.

To some, these steps might seem too small and inconsequential; however, to someone like Roy, they might just take a daunting task and break it into attainable goals.

What's the difference between a temporary rough patch and an unsolvable, relationship-ending issue? How can you tell when a problem is worth working through, and when it's time to move on?

In Part One, we discussed 4 signs that a relationship has run its course, like a lack of communication and concern expressed by friends. Here are 6 more signs that you're headed for a break up.

1. You are no longer planning for the future. Remember when you had plans, goals, dreams? Remember when you had a vision for your beautiful future together? Remember when you had shared aspirations, and were willing to work together to achieve them? When relationship-building behaviors like these come to an end, and your futures begin to feel incompatible, the relationship needs to come to an end as well.
2. You've stopped making time for each other. Are you or your partner finding yourselves spending more time at work, or spending your free time engaged in activities that keep you apart? A relationship requires significant time investment from both parties. When partners are no longer willing to set aside time for each other, or intentionally distract themselves with activities that are done solo or with friends, the relationship is beginning to crumble.
3. Your arguments have become increasingly serious and frequent. Everyone bickers from time to time. Arguing is not a sign that a relationship is doomed - it's the nature of the arguments that hints at the future of the relationship. When arguing becomes incessant and you cannot see resolution on the horizon, or when your arguments have evolved from bickering into disrespectful and deeply hurtful fights, consideration and love are fighting a losing battle.
4. Punishment has become a part of your relationship. When arguing escalates, partners start fighting dirty. If you feel that your partner is intentionally punishing you, or you notice that your words and actions have become intentionally spiteful and cruel, you have reached a point when you must reevaluate your relationship.
5. You've developed an unhealthy obsession with the bad aspects of your relationship. During the honeymoon period of a relationship, partners are blind to each other's bad sides. During the break down of a relationship, exactly the opposite happens. Partners are focused solely on each other's faults and the shortcomings of the relationship. If you're only able to focus on the negative, it's time to consider breaking up.
6. You're living in the past. "The good old days" are not a reason to stay in a failing relationship. The fond memories of the past you shared do not outweigh the unhappiness you're experiencing now. Look to the future, don't live in the past, and let go.

Ending a relationship is difficult, but staying in a relationship that clearly isn't working leads to even more pain in the end. When you see these 10 signs, gather your courage, take the plunge, and begin the process of moving on.

For some, coming up with any pictures of yourself at all can be a daunting task. Everyone knows that the blurry web cam or cell phone picture is less than desirable (though actually some cell phones and web cams can be pretty impressive nowadays), but what if they’re the only options? How do you make the best of what you have?

Essentially, pictures can boil down to three basic categories. The first is the self-portrait, the kind where you hold your camera up at an angle, stand in a mirror, or use the mirrored web cam on your computer. While almost certainly the most common source of avatars and default pics nowadays, these methods aren’t ideal - it’s easy to get the moody or “dead-eye” look going on, and staring directly into the camera can be disconcerting to the viewer. If the only option available to you is a self-portrait, make sure it’s as clear as possible! Try not to do a cliche angle - the one where girls take pictures from high above themselves is probably the most well-known. And try to put something funny on TV in the background - it will help you produce a genuine smile, instead of a fake grimace.

Then there are the professional pictures. These are few and far-between nowadays; the easy and inexpensive availability of digital pictures makes going to a pro seem an unnecessary expense. There are benefits - for example, a photographer might have a better idea of how best to pose you, dress you or make you laugh. On the other hand, nowadays there’s something a little cheesy about a photo that’s too polished (and portrait studios are right out). You’re better off trying the same thing with a friend.

Finally, there are the “candid” or “action” shots - the one where you’re in the picture, but the main focus might be a mountain, or you in a scuba suit - something other than your face. Believe it or not, these can actually be more effective than either of the other two options. Simply put, these types of pictures have more personality; even if you’re not the main focus of the picture, the viewer feels like they “know” you more. Of course, if your face can’t really be seen at all, it helps to have an additional, non-default picture that fills in the details.

As you’re selecting pictures for your online profile, don’t feel pressured to have a magazine-perfect default picture. Take a camera and maybe a few friends, go out and have a good time - and don’t forget to document it! Not only will it draw the viewer into your life, it’s much more fun than staring into a mirror.

Since dating can be a roller coaster of ups and downs, sometimes we fall into patterns without realizing it. We may put up walls to keep people from hurting us, or we may wear our hearts on our sleeve and provide dates with a bit too much information when we're just getting to know each other.

We all have our bad habits, so it's best to be aware of them when you're dating. Especially if you're unintentionally sending mixed messages, and can't understand why you aren't able to find someone special.

For instance, let's say you have a great first few dates with someone you met online, and you really like him. But you're also careful, as you've been hurt before when you've acted too eager. So you play it cool, and tell him you're not looking for anything serious, even though you are.

Unfortunately, this tactic can work against you. First, you are letting your fear dictate your reactions. If you've had commitment issues with men in the past, leave them in the past. Don't assume every man is going to disappoint you. Each date should be started with a clean slate.

It's best to be honest with yourself and your date. He's just getting to know you, so you can't assume he can read between the lines if you tell him you want to keep things casual and date other people, when really you just want to date him. He may just think you're not that into him. Instead of playing it cool, let him know you're interested. (This doesn't mean bringing up marriage or future plans after date three though...have some discretion!) It's okay to flirt, make plans, and most importantly, enjoy yourself while you're dating. It's supposed to be fun. Let him know you like spending time with him, and want to continue.

If you aren't sure about someone you're dating and whether you want a relationship, it's okay to keep dating and see what happens. Many daters assume that if you don't feel instant chemistry then you aren't suitable, but this is far from the case. It's important to get to know someone and enjoy the time you spend together. This is what dating is all about. But remember to be respectful: communication is key when dating. Don't assume you and your date are on the same page. If you want a relationship to progress, again, let him know you're interested. If not, be sure to let him know sooner than later.