Relationships

Sue and Steve are a couple who have been married for years. When I see them interact, it’s adorable; they share inside jokes and affection without annoying everyone else in the room. They perform small tasks for one another without sighing about it. Perhaps most importantly, they genuinely seem to like one another. It’s clear that they love each other, and that they’re quite a good match.

It’s also clear that the way their relationship works would never work for me.

Do they do anything wrong? No. But their personalities are both drastically different from mine. Steve is the kind of guy who happily holds a purse while standing outside the dressing room door, while I prefer the kind of guys who would rather split up and do the shopping independently. Sue teases Steve incessantly, and while it doesn’t appear to bother him at all, I might take it a little more personally if I were in his shoes. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with Steve, or Sue, or my own preferences; they’re just different.

Why, then, do we tend to compare our relationships against those of the people we know? Being in a relationship can be a precarious tightrope walk, balancing the needs and wants of two unique people. Why should we copy the balance techniques of someone who’s top-heavy, when our own weight is skewed to the left?

However, that doesn’t mean that we can’t gain any insight from relationships that aren’t our own. Instead of looking at exactly how couple interacts, try focusing on the end result. For example, instead of thinking, “She waits on him hand and foot!” notice that they try to help each other whenever they can. Instead of thinking, “I could never handle such mean teasing!” focus on the fact that they constantly laugh together. The end result is what you want to emulate; the method of getting there may differ.

You've holed up in your house for the past three months, refusing party invitations and neglecting friends. You haven't wanted to be social...at all. You know that you should "get back out there," but you're still hurting from your recent break-up. How do you get past the pain and move on with your life?

Breaking up is not an easy experience. And depending on how long you were with your ex, it's a difficult thing to get used to being on your own again.

Whatever the case, your first order of business is taking care of yourself. If you're thinking about getting out there again, here are some tips to keep in mind:

Get together with good friends. Instead of cutting yourself off from your support network, now is an important time to reach out. Even if you lost touch with them during your relationship, you owe it to yourself to engage with them once again and let them know you're hurting. Your friends want to help you get through this.

Exercise. There's nothing like endorphins to help lift your mood. Instead of sitting in front of the TV, put on your jogging shorts or hiking boots and get outside. It's summer after all; the weather is nice and sunny and perfect for outdoor activities. Call a friend to go with you if you prefer company. Just get moving.

Don't be hard on yourself. It's easy to review old conversations again and again, but is it healthy? Instead of thinking of all the things you could have done or said differently, acknowledge that the relationship is over and you won't make the same mistakes in your next relationship. Being reflective is good so you can learn, but be sure not to wallow in regret.

Get out of town. I'm a big believer in the solo vacation, but if you prefer to gather your friends, go for it! A change of scenery helps you gain a different perspective, which is always helpful in moving on from relationships. So, take that trip you've always wanted. No time like the present.

Accept invitations. If a co-worker invites you to a happy hour gathering, instead of making excuses, stop by for an hour or so. Accept invitations to parties and dinners. The more you start to socialize and meet new people, the easier it becomes to make that transition and start to think about dating again.

Get a hobby. There's nothing like replacing one love for another. I'm not talking about finding a new girlfriend or boyfriend right away, but finding a new hobby that interests you or that you feel passionate about. Whether it's Italian cooking classes, mountain biking, or oragami, try something you've always been interested in and see where it leads. It will energize and uplift your spirits.

We’ve all been there at some point; someone you’ve always considered a friend in the past suddenly becomes more appealing. Or maybe there’s always been a little bit of chemistry, and it’s growing. Now you’re thinking about moving out of the friend zone and maybe turning the situation into something more. What to do?

It seems like a situation fraught with peril. It’s always risky, initiating romance with someone, but when you feel like your friendship is also on the line it can be all the more paralyzing. But honestly, it doesn’t have to be that bad - if you keep a few tips in mind.

First, and most importantly, move on the situation early. Yes, that’s right, the opposite of every “will they or won’t they?” plot you’ve ever seen on TV. There are several reasons why this is preferable. First, if it’s going to work out and you can feel the chemistry building between you, there’s really no point in waiting. Secondly, if you do get rejected, your feelings won’t have been that strong in the first place and it will be all the more easy to bounce back. And finally, there’s nothing to gain by dragging it out, feeling more and more strongly and pining away. It doesn’t help you in any sense. So get an answer, one way or another, as soon as you can.

There’s one glaring exception to this - if the object of your affection is in what appears to be a happy, stable relationship. Yes, there’s always a chance things aren’t really as they appear, but getting involved with someone who’s married or seriously taken, whether or not they’re your best friend, has a slim chance of long-term success. Better to look elsewhere, if you can.

Finally, regardless of whether your love interest says yes or no, be prepared for awkwardness. If they’ve said yes, remember that your relationship is changing, albeit hopefully for the better. Don’t stress out about a transition. And if they say no, they undoubtedly want the friendship to stay the same just as fervently as you do, and they don’t know what to do about it, either. So take a few days to get over your bruised ego, and when you’re feeling ready, carry on like you were before. The more adult everyone is about the situation, the quicker the strangeness will pass - and it will pass.

It’s not uncommon for friends to grow into something more, but whether or not you get the outcome you’re looking for, a strong friendship can weather it just the same. Don’t let your feelings drag you into the realm of pain and pining - an answer, one way or the other, will be far kinder, and will more easily allow you to preserve your friendship.

When I meet couples who have been together a long time, I like to ask them how they met, what attracted them to each other, and what they love most about being in a relationship. These stories are all unique, and they never fail to surprise me. I'm so curious as to what makes people click, because they are all so different. Sometimes couples are complete opposites in politics, religious views, and personalities; sometimes they resemble each other so much it's a little scary. What attracts them to each other and how they operate in a relationship varies from couple to couple.

Despite all the differences, there seems to be one common element among all these couples and what really brings them together: it is how their partners make them feel about themselves. They say, "I'm a better person when I'm with him/her," or "he/she makes me feel like I can do anything."

There's a lot of power in those statements. Our love for another person is strongly tied to how he or she makes us feel about ourselves. If we feel better, happier, more alive when we're with someone, we want to be around them more. Successful relationships occur when two people bring out the best in each other.

While this fact sounds a bit narcissistic at first, it's not about how a partner can make us happy or solve our self-esteem issues. It is simply about enhancing the attributes we already have. Some people can help us bring out the best in ourselves, without judgment or conditions. This is freeing, and allows us to be more at peace and happy with ourselves. In turn, we're able to give more in a relationship.

Following are some tips to keep in mind when you are embarking on a new relationship:

Identify what your partner brings to the table. Think about his strengths and what you find attractive, and then tell him. Everyone likes to hear what makes him special, so be sure to point it out.

Resist criticizing. Sure, it's easy to develop a laundry list of things you wish the person would do differently. But when you criticize, the first thing a partner will want to do is retreat or fight back. Instead of focusing on the negatives and constantly reminding your partner of what you don't like, focus on what you do like and appreciate. Constant criticism can quickly undermine communication and a relationship.

Be supportive. Being a good partner means being supportive of the other person's goals, dreams, and path in the world. Make a point of communicating your support so she knows you will be there cheering her on.

A kiss is a whole lot more than touching lips.

So says Sheril Kirshenbaum, in her new book The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us. Kissing, properly known as "osculation," is far more than a show of affection - it is a way of judging compatibility between partners and determining the likelihood that their relationship will last.

Here are 10 nuggets of kissing wisdom Kirshenbaum offers her readers:

1. Red is ravishing. Playing up your natural assets is the key to developing an effective beauty regime. In studies, red is consistently rated the most appealing color of lipstick.
2. Kissing has a long and glorious history. According to Kirshenbaum, the earliest literary evidence for kissing appears 3,500 years ago, in India's Vedic Sanskrit text.
3. Humans aren't the only creatures who love locking lips. Other social animals smooch or engage in behaviors that approximate kissing. Bonobos, a type of Chimpanzee very closely related to humans, have been known to kiss for 12 continuous minutes, while giraffes show affection by entwining necks.
4. A good kiss goes far beyond simple chemistry. While basic attraction is important, Kirshenbaum believes that it's ambiance and emotional connection that really make a kiss spectacular.
5. You'll never forget how to ride a bike, and you'll never forget your first kiss. Researchers at Butler University found that your first kiss is unforgettable - even more so than losing your virginity. The explanation for this phenomenon is unclear, but Kirshenbaum theorizes that a person's first kiss is an exceptionally strong memory because it is his or her introduction to sexual behavior.
6. The nose knows. Humans subconsciously determine compatibility based on a partner's natural scent, which is easily analyzed during a kiss. On a superficial level, Kirshenbaum notes, basic hygiene is an important indicator of whether or not a relationship is worth pursuing. Beyond that, scent appears to have a direct connection to the details of someone's genetic makeup.
7. Humans are hardwired to enjoy stimulation on their lips. Scientists have found that a disproportionate amount of space is dedicated to processing information from the lips in the human brain, so the smallest sensation can create a huge splash.
8. Kissing can be addictive. Significant amounts of dopamine, a feel-good reward chemical involved in addiction, are released in the brain when we smooch. As the novelty of a new relationship wears off, and with it our initial obsession with our partners, the levels of dopamine in our brains also decreases.
9. First impressions count. According to a S.U.N.Y. Albany study, 59% of men and 66% of women claimed that they ended a relationship because the first kiss didn't measure up.
10. Kissing is a key ingredient in a lasting relationship. Kissing may reduce stress by decreasing the level of cortisol, the stress hormone, in the body. Locking lips also releases oxytocin, which helps us bond with new partners and stay attached to long-term loves.

When Cher sang "It's in his kiss," she was onto a whole lot more than a catchy pop song.

What do romantic comedies, Sudoku puzzles, and Twitter have in common?

They were all tools used in experiments in TruTv's countdown of "10 Dumb Sex & Relationship Studies." We've already covered some of the most ridiculous research collected by Nick Nadel in Part I, so let's jump straight into more highlights from the list:

Dubious Study #4: Researchers at the University of Valencia in Spain studied 84 male students, who were asked to solve a Sudoku puzzle while an attractive woman was in the room. They found that the cortisol levels of some men were so high they had reached the level of a person jumping out of a plane. Contact with an attractive woman, the researchers then reasoned, can cause stress hormones to reach dangerously high levels.

Nadel's Take: This study is just plain ridiculous. "Who did the researchers bring in for this study," he wonders, "Sofia Vergara? Just how hard up are these guys that they can't solve a simple Sudoku while in the presence of a pretty face?"

My Thoughts: Maybe it was a really hard Sudoku puzzle?

Dubious Study #5: Women love men with mystery, according to a team from Virginity University and Harvard, who found that women were more drawn to the Facebook profiles of men who showed little interest in them.

Nadel's Take: Isn't this basic dating wisdom that everyone learns in elementary school? Was a scientific study really required?

My Thoughts: Once again, I find myself taking Nadel's side, with one important addition - yes, it's a well-known fact that women are drawn to men they think are unattainable, but men are also consistently drawn to women they think they can't have. Playing hard to get works both ways.

Dubious Study #6: "Children of divorce tend to lag behind in math test scores and interpersonal skills," says a doctoral candidate at the University of Wisconsin.

Nadel's Take: Divorce isn't easy on anyone, but does it deserve to be blamed for everything?

My Thoughts: Divorce is rough on all involved, there's no doubt about it. It should come as no surprise that the end of a marriage - or any other traumatic experience - may have negative effects on other areas of a person's - child or not - life.

Dubious Study #7: Women who marry men who are less attractive than they are have happier marriages, according to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology.

Nadel's Take: These findings represent nothing more than the stereotype that men place more value on physical appearance than women, while women seek out support and stability.

My Thoughts: There is also plenty of research, as Nadel points out, that suggests that people seek out partners with matching levels of attractiveness. So perhaps what all these studies are really telling us is that love and attraction cannot be quantified and explained - merely enjoyed.

Read the original post here.