What Makes a Relationship Work?

When I meet couples who have been together a long time, I like to ask them how they met, what attracted them to each other, and what they love most about being in a relationship. These stories are all unique, and they never fail to surprise me. I'm so curious as to what makes people click, because they are all so different. Sometimes couples are complete opposites in politics, religious views, and personalities; sometimes they resemble each other so much it's a little scary. What attracts them to each other and how they operate in a relationship varies from couple to couple.

Despite all the differences, there seems to be one common element among all these couples and what really brings them together: it is how their partners make them feel about themselves. They say, "I'm a better person when I'm with him/her," or "he/she makes me feel like I can do anything."

There's a lot of power in those statements. Our love for another person is strongly tied to how he or she makes us feel about ourselves. If we feel better, happier, more alive when we're with someone, we want to be around them more. Successful relationships occur when two people bring out the best in each other.

While this fact sounds a bit narcissistic at first, it's not about how a partner can make us happy or solve our self-esteem issues. It is simply about enhancing the attributes we already have. Some people can help us bring out the best in ourselves, without judgment or conditions. This is freeing, and allows us to be more at peace and happy with ourselves. In turn, we're able to give more in a relationship.

Following are some tips to keep in mind when you are embarking on a new relationship:

Identify what your partner brings to the table. Think about his strengths and what you find attractive, and then tell him. Everyone likes to hear what makes him special, so be sure to point it out.

Resist criticizing. Sure, it's easy to develop a laundry list of things you wish the person would do differently. But when you criticize, the first thing a partner will want to do is retreat or fight back. Instead of focusing on the negatives and constantly reminding your partner of what you don't like, focus on what you do like and appreciate. Constant criticism can quickly undermine communication and a relationship.

Be supportive. Being a good partner means being supportive of the other person's goals, dreams, and path in the world. Make a point of communicating your support so she knows you will be there cheering her on.