Relationships

According to a major recent survey conducted for Match.com, Americans' thoughts on traditional gender roles have evolved significantly over the course of the last few decades.

The survey explored the attitudes and expectations of more than 5,000 single men and women in America, and found that men may now be more interested in long-term love, marriage, and children, while women are now seeking a greater sense of independence in their relationships. The participants surveyed came from a wide range of sexualities and relationship backgrounds, including some who had never married (56%), some who were divorced (32%), some who had been widowed (10%), and some who had separated from their spouses (3%).

"Men are now expressing some traditionally female attitudes, while women are adopting some of those long attributed to men," says Helen Fisher, the renowned biological anthropologist who helped developed the survey along with social historian and author Stephanie Coontz and Justin Garcia, a doctoral fellow with the Institute for Evolutionary Studies at Binghamton University in New York.

As outdated gender boundaries blur, men are now more likely to want children than women, and are quicker to fall in love. 54% of men reported experiencing love at first sight, compared with 44% of women, and 24% of men without children under 18 stated that they want kids someday, compared to only 15% of women.

Women are now looking for more independence in their relationships, assuming a role that has traditionally been thought of as male:

• 77% of women say that personal space is very important, vs. 58% of men.
• 78% of women say that having their own hobbies and interests is also very important, vs. 64% of men.
• 35% of women say that enjoying regular nights out with their friends is important, vs. 23% of men.

Kathleen Gerson, a sociology professor at New York University who did not participate in the survey, has found many of the same alterations to the ideas surrounding gender roles in her own work. "Men and women are looking for similar assets and are not judging a potential partner on the basis of gender-related traits - that a woman is looking for a paycheck object or a man is looking for a sex object," she says. "They're both looking for the whole package, more so than in the past."

For more findings from the survey and expert opinions on the results, click here. To find out more about the dating site which commissioned the survey you can read our Match.com review.

When a relationship ends or a date falls flat, it’s easy to be discouraged. You might find yourself thinking, “I have terrible taste in people,” or “That was a waste of time.” However, there’s no need to be discouraged! Just like any decision in life, you can learn something from every single date or relationship, no matter what the outcome.

A friend of mine, Katie, is a prime example. She’d always heard not to expect fireworks or love at first sight - which is entirely practical - and she decided to try dating someone for whom she felt no physical attraction, because she really liked his personality. Though there was nothing wrong with the man she dated, there was zero chemistry, and eventually they broke it off.

“It’s not that it was a terrible experience,” Katie says, “but it was that it wasted time for the both of us. I know relationships can grow, but in the future I’ll only date people for whom I at least feel the potential of attraction.”

Another friend, Steve, dated a woman who brought out the worst in him. “There was nothing wrong with her,” he said, “but she was a little clingy. And I learned that when I feel suffocated at all, I react against it and get even more cold and distant. It was a constant tug-of-war relationship.”

Steve used his newfound knowledge in his next relationship. “I learned that I really get along better with someone who’s fiercely independent,” he said. “I looked for that when I started dating again, and now I’m really happy!”

Even the most messy of breakups or boring first dates can have gems of knowledge in them. Whether you discover something about yourself, about what you want in a partner, or what you should avoid in the future, no relationship is truly a waste of time if you’ve learned something from it.

It’s like something out of a sitcom: Kelly has been emailing a man she met through an online dating site. So far, they’ve really hit it off. After they’d exchanged a few emails, the man mentioned while in an instant messaging conversation that he was an avid birdwatcher.

“Birdwatching? I love it,” Kelly typed, hitting enter before she could think further. See, the problem is, Kelly doesn’t know the first thing about birdwatching - she was just wrapped up with excitement about all the things they really did have in common. It was a tiny white lie - but unfortunately for Kelly, she chose to lie about exactly the wrong hobby. The man she’s been conversing with became incredibly excited about the notion that they share this hobby - and now Kelly doesn’t know how to get out of the pickle that her big mouth (fingers?) have put her in.

Lying is never conducive to any relationship, but it can be especially harmful in the world of online dating. There’s still a stigma when it comes to online dating - even if you’re posting completely honest photos and information, and in fact, are probably more honest than someone you’d meet down at a bar - there’s still an element of distrust because you’re not meeting face-to-face at first. Well-meaning friends and family who haven’t tried online dating only foster that suspicion by voicing their own fears and apprehensions.

As a result, people tend to be even more on the lookout for signs of dishonesty - and even a little white lie, which many might do at the beginning of a relationship, can put a fragile, growing relationship in jeopardy. So why run the risk? There’s no shame in admitting you’re inexperienced in a sport, or ignorant about an event in the news. Everyone already knows that they shouldn’t lie about their appearance, but few realize how often lying goes on in small talk when they’re trying to make a good impression.

Striving for total honesty helps far more than it hurts. And by being honest, if your budding relationship truly begins to bloom, you won’t have any embarrassing white lies to eventually untangle! Why not start a good habit now?

Research published earlier this year in Communication Quarterly has identified five flirting personalities, reports USA Today.

More than 5,020 heterosexual adults participated in the study, by filling out questionnaires about their flirting technique and their romantic partners. "The flirting styles inventory is for the very first stage of romantic development," explains Jeffrey Hall, co-author and assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas in Lawrence. He also notes that, in most cases, an individual uses a combination of the 5 flirting styles, though one type is typically dominant.

The flirting styles identified are: physical, traditional, polite, sincere, and playful.

1. Physical: People with a physical flirting style have a tendency to develop relationships quickly. Both sexual chemistry and emotional connection is strong with their partners, though sexual interest may be the greater focus in the relationship.
2. Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to conventional ideas of dating and relationships. Men and women who favor this style believe that men should pursue women, and women should not pursue men. They often tend to be introverted.
3. Polite: Daters who fall into these categories place emphasis on proper etiquette and nonsexual communication. They are less likely than daters with other styles to approach someone they're interested in, and they are often not flattered by flirting, but their relationships are meaningful.
4. Sincere: Deep relationships are the name of the game for sincere flirts. Their relationships feature both strong emotional connections and sexual chemistry, but are based primarily on the emotional bond. This is the flirting style that was cited most in the study.
5. Playful: Flirting is all about fun and building self-esteem for playful daters. They tend to be interested in flirting as a recreational activity, rather than as a tool to find a long-term relationship. This is the most uncommon flirting style.

The researchers make it clear that one style is not objectively better than the others in all situations, though one can be more effective than another, depending on the outcome you want to achieve. "For example," Hall says, "a playful flirt is more likely to have short-term relationships. People with a playful style of flirting are effective in having that type of relationship but may find it difficult to let people they're interested in know they want something more."

Daters who leaned towards the physical, sincere, and playful styles were likely to experience the most success for dating and long-term relationships. Individuals with a combination of the physical and sincere styles showed "rapid relational escalation of important relationships with more emotional connection and greater physical chemistry."

Take the flirting styles survey at http://connect.ku.edu/tests/flirt/

"Friends with benefits."

"No strings attached."

"Keeping it casual."

Whatever you call it, it's probably crossed your mind. But can it actually work, or is it just a plot device used in cheesy romantic comedies churned out by the Hollywood machine?

In Part I, we talked about a few of the pros and cons of FwB arrangements, and I shared my opinion that yes, it can happen, though I can't guarantee that it will always be easy. Now lets take a closer look at FwB relationships, at the nitty-gritty details of exactly what it takes to make them work:

1. Be honest. This is first on the list because it's the most important. If you want an FwB arrangement to work out, all parties involved must be honest and straightforward from the outset. Be completely upfront about what you want (and what you don't) and what your feelings are, so that no awkward surprises are waiting around the corner. If you're considering the relationship because you're hoping it will evolve into something more, don't get involved. It's rare that an FwB situation turns into a more serious relationship, so don't put yourself through the unnecessary heartache of wanting it to.
2. Know thyself. The honesty policy extends to your own mind as well. Know exactly what you want out of the relationship, and exactly what you don't want. When you've defined the relationship for yourself, communicate your needs clearly, and have the courage to say "no" when you know that an FwB arrangement won't work for you.
3. Evaluate with a critical eye. Things can change (sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse), so take stock of your FwB arrangement on a regular basis. Be aware of what's going on in the relationship, notice the ways in which it changes, and adapt accordingly. If it appears that both of you are taking it more seriously, move forward together. If it becomes apparent that one person is developing feelings while the other is not, take initiative and end the relationship.
4. Go with your gut. There are almost never right or wrong answers when it comes to romantic and sexual entanglements - relationships are all about intuition. Trust that you know what's best for you, and follow your heart.

And lastly, remember to put the friendship first. It's in the name - a friends with benefits arrangement would be nothing without the friendship in the first place. Asking someone to take things to the next level - but not quite all the way - can lead to misunderstandings, complications, hurt feelings, and, worst-case scenario, the end of a friendship. The best way to avoid disaster is to put the friendship first, and err on the side of caution if you think that taking things further will jeopardize it.

Have you ever planted a garden? It’s not as simple as tossing a handful of seeds into the ground and walking away. A garden must be carefully tended, with water and fertilizer. Your must ensure that your plants aren’t being choked by weeds. And despite your best efforts, the outcome is always unpredictable, as changeable as the weather.

The world of online dating shares more than a few of these traits. Thinking of your profile as a garden could, in fact, help your online profile blossom into a great first impression.

First, remember that a profile must be maintained - not with plant food and water, but with careful updating. Are your pictures out-of-date? Are you “looking forward” to seeing movies that came out two years ago? Are you talking about the cold and the snow when it’s July? This doesn’t mean you should only stick to information that won’t go out-of-fate; keeping your profile current and updated shows that you haven’t just tossed up a profile and walked away. However, it’s important that you don’t let your profile wither on the vine.

Even more important than maintenance is editing. Perhaps you have several witty, interesting things to say - but it’s nearly impossible to find them in your profile. They’re being choked by the weeds of white noise and uninteresting, dry information. Remember - less is almost always more. Pull out anything that’s not interesting or funny - you’ll have plenty of time to cover the dry stuff later. In the meantime, you want your best aspects to shine through and blossom.

Perhaps you’ve done everything you can on your profile - it’s funny, it’s entertaining, it’s honest - but you still aren’t getting many responses or finding many people you’re interested in. To put it simply, you’re in a dating drought. Sadly, it happens, despite our best efforts. Maybe there just aren’t many compatible people on your site at the moment, or maybe you need to broaden your search parameters. The good news is that the rain will eventually come, if not on your ideal schedule.

Earth and flowers may be as far from the world of online dating as you can get, but that doesn’t mean you can’t glean some wisdom from the gardening. Like gardening, dating is a test of patience, faith, and hope - and like online dating, the rewards are more than worth it.