Relationships

In today’s modern age, digital images are more easily available than ever before. Point-and-shoot cameras are increasingly cheaper; the cameras included on phones are of much better quality than they used to be. Even many laptops and desktop computers have webcams, again of better quality than they used to be, included. Yet, there’s still a staggering number of people on online dating sites who put little to no thought into selecting their default picture.

Granted, you don’t need to go to a professional photographer and have an artsy shoot to go along with your brand-new profile; most people have something acceptable floating around on their computer or on the internet already. However, not all of them choose the acceptable picture. Perhaps due to insecurity, passive-aggressive anger at having to provide a picture, or maybe just laziness, there are pictures on profiles out there that look like they’ve been taken underwater (when they haven’t). There are even some that are flipped sideways, or upside-down.

Having a default picture that is such bad quality it’s comical will lose you far more interest than it will gain. Hardly anyone likes the task of finding a flattering, clear default picture, but a picture that doesn’t make you feel like you need your eyes checked will earn you more viewers, even if it’s less flattering than some. At the bare minimum, your default picture should be at least as good quality as your picture ID - and hopefully more flattering.

So what can you do to get the best possible picture? First, don’t rely on the increased quality of your phone or webcam. Learn how to make your pictures the best you can - how your phone or camera responds to light or motion. It would be a shame to miss out on a great shot because of inexperience.

Next, don’t just take a few pictures and run with what you have if you’re not happy with it. So maybe you turn on the webcam and grimace at how you look today - that’s fine. Come back tomorrow, or when you’re in a better mood. Have something funny on TV in the background - whether we’re serious or smiling, our eyes reflect our mood, and we tend to look better when we’re feeling lighter.

Finally, don’t be afraid to scour the social networking photo galleries of your friends and family. They might have a great candid shot of you that you don’t know about, or never thought to crop and bring the focus to yourself.

Your photo doesn’t have to be a work of art, but it should at least be recognizably you! Don’t hide behind a poor photo; the confidence to be yourself - and show it - will take you much further than a picture that blurs the real you.

A relationship is a balancing act between two individuals, two unique personalities. However, when we talk about people who are in the “wrong” kind of relationships - those that are literally bad for them - our reasoning is very self-oriented: low self-esteem, for example, or deep-seated issues from childhood. It begs the question: could the biggest “trick” to finding the right person be to actually focus on yourself?

Well, yes and no. No one’s perfect, and it’s entirely possible that one could have habits or patterns of behavior that are, in some small way, destructive. However, that doesn’t always mean that they’re literally keeping you from finding the right person, or keeping you from being happy in a relationship. The human mind is an amazing thing, and we perform amazing balancing acts on a regular basis. Even if you do have something you might want to work on, it’s entirely possible that your brain compensates for it the majority of the time.

However, there’s nothing wrong with a little self-awareness and reflection, or even outside professional help. Because the brain is so amazing and complicated, sometimes it takes a third-person perspective to make connections between apparently unrelated things. And even if there’s not anything directly affecting your love life negatively, it’s never a bad thing to get your priorities in order and better understand who you are and what you need.

Of course, once we’ve gotten our self-esteem raised and our issues worked out, we always come back to the basic truth of a relationship: that it’s between two people, with two personalities, two distinct histories. Self-reflection doesn’t necessarily help you relate to other people - or does it? Understanding how you cope and react to stress might give you insight into how others behave. If your own hang-ups are out of the way you can better focus on the big picture. If your self-esteem is intact you won’t put up with unacceptable behavior.

It’s easy to feel helpless in the world of dating; you’re dependent, waiting for someone else to come along, or to email you back, to share that spark. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do in the meantime. As any negative relationship will show you, the destiny of a relationship often starts with the self - so why not set yourself on a positive path?

Dr. Helen Fisher - biological anthropologist, Research Professor in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University, and adviser for Chemistry.com - has become something of a fixture in my posts, thanks to her ground breaking research on love, relationships, and attraction.

In her most recent book, Why Him? Why Her?: How to Find and Keep Lasting Love, Fisher outlines the four personality types that she believes are the key to determining who you are likely to be compatible with, as well as how to find, attract, and keep them. Fisher conducted her research on Chemistry.com, where her questionnaire forms the basis of the site's matching system and has now been taken by over 7 million people.

After an initial study of 28,128 subjects, Fisher concluded that men and women are a combination of four personality types, each of which is associated with a specific neurotransmitter or hormone:

1. The Explorer (dopamine)
2. The Builder (serotonin)
3. The Director (testosterone)
4. The Negotiator (estrogen)

Explorers are adventurous, creative, and unafraid to take risks. They are driven by dopamine, which manifests as the desire for excitement, spontaneity, and novelty. Good examples of Explorers, Fisher told ABC News, are John F. Kennedy, Ernest Hemingway, and Angelina Jolie.

Builders, in contrast to the more free-spirited Explorers, are cautious, conventional, and feel at home in managerial roles. The soothing influence of serotonin makes them calm, sociable, and organized. Colin Powell, says Fisher, is a typical example of a Builder.

Directors are driven by testosterone, making them aggressive, logical, and analytical. They tend to be focused and tough, but can sometimes carry these traits too far and become single-minded and stubborn. Bill Gates, tough-minded and decisive, is an example of a Director according to Fisher.

Negotiators demonstrate many characteristics that are traditionally considered feminine, because they are primarily influenced by estrogen. They are verbally communicative, compassionate, and imaginative. They also show signs of empathy and idealism, and tend to think of the big-picture rather than smaller details. Fisher considers Bill Clinton a classic embodiment of the Negotiator personality type.

To determine your personality type, Fisher's test can be taken for free on Chemistry.com. Once you have determined which category you fall into, it's time to figure out who you're most compatible with and what your personality types say about the kind of relationship you're likely to have. We'll look at that, and more of Fisher's research, next time.

In general, online dating isn’t much different from the rest of the dating universe. You still have the same nerves; rejection still stings. You still begin with not much more than a “hello” and see how things progress from there. There’s always impatience and overanalyzing.

However, there is one key difference: when you approach someone in person, you’re tailoring their first impression in real time. With online dating, you get the benefit of a carefully constructed, pre-edited profile that shows you at your best, but you’re forced to take a one-size-fits-all approach.

For example: maybe you’re someone who likes going to comic conventions. If you’re talking to someone who’s obviously a comic fan, you can play up that aspect of your interests. On the other hand, if you’re not sure about their comic allegiance or you already know you have something else in common, like a passion for golf, you can focus on that instead.

In your online profile, you’d like to appeal to people from both sides of the interest spectrum. At the same time, you don’t want to appear like you’re hedging your bets and covering all the bases, saying cliche things like, “I like to be outdoors... or stay in. I like to dress up... or be comfortable in jeans.” What to do?

First, be honest. Don’t worry about appealing to all demographics everywhere; you’re trying to find someone compatible to you, remember, not to the world’s most generic person. If you consistently find you’re not attracting the type of people you’d like, maybe you need to emphasize some bits, or de-emphasize others.

If you find your golf people just don’t seem interested in someone who also likes comics and vice-versa, maybe it’s time to diversify your profiles. Try creating one profile at a niche site about comics, for example, and have another one for the people who share a passion for golf. If one strategy isn’t working, there’s nothing wrong with trying out a few others.

At no point are we talking about hiding who you are; we’re talking about fine-tuning your opening conversation. Everyone has a wide and diverse range of interests, but when we meet someone we tend to narrow them down to the few we likely have in common; depth comes later. There’s no one method for finding a compatible match; why not experiment with what works for you?

Do you find yourself thinking there are no good single women to date? That perhaps the city you live in is the problem, or maybe the general attitude or expectations of single women?

According to the latest U.S. Census Bureau reports, about half of the adult population is single. That doesn't seem limited or restrictive in any way---that's a lot of choice. I doubt that half the female population is not adequate to date, or that none of them live in your city. So what's really going on?

While it's easy to make excuses for why we aren't meeting anyone special, we often put those roadblocks up ourselves. We say: "everyone around me is married," or "the women I meet are too high maintenance." While this might seem true, it's hardly the case. Often it's because you're not looking hard enough, or you've already drawn conclusions based on past experience so anyone you meet will get judged accordingly.

Following are a few tips to help you keep perspective and meet some great single women:

Maximize your online dating potential. Whether you have a fear of online dating, or believe it just doesn't work for you, give it a real chance. Put some effort into your profile, get your friend to read and edit for you, post clear and flattering pictures. Also, be proactive in communicating to women. Don't just settle for messaging ten favorites. Because there are so many people online, try messaging several dozen. Reach out and see what happens.

Go to brunch places, coffeeshops, and bookstores. These are places women go alone or with their girlfriends...so instead of going to play pool or hang at the local sports bar with your friends, consider frequenting places where single women might be.

Approach with confidence. There's nothing more attractive to single women than a man with confidence. Don't wait for her to make eye contact or flirt with you, be brave and approach her. Start a conversation. Being afraid of rejection is not a good excuse...it just prevents you from taking risks. Your ego will be more emboldened the more you put yourself out there, which in turn makes you more attractive to women. Try it out.

Stop asking your male friends for their input. If you find a woman attractive, don't ask your friends if they think she's hot to get approval. This is your decision, so be brave and start a conversation with her. After all, this is your social life, so don't let other people direct it.

Most importantly, your mindset needs to be positive. In order to meet great single women, you have to believe they are out there. Otherwise, you won't see them. So, have fun and start making things happen for yourself!

Let’s face it: for most of us, not every night is an exciting night on the town or an adventure. Not even every weekend is. It’s easy to stay in with a movie, or to develop a routine where you meet friends for pizza. And there’s nothing wrong with that - until it’s time to create an online dating profile. Then, for some, the sections that ask about your weekends, what you like to do on dates, or for fun become problematic. What do you say about dating if this is the first time you’ve attempted dating in years - or ever? Do you lie about your weekends if the truth sounds less than exciting?

In short, you don’t need to lie outright, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use your imagination. Think about what you’ve always wanted to do on a date, be it go to a Renaissance Faire, try indoor skydiving or picnic in the park. It’s okay to think outside the box here!

Next, work your ideas into your profile, but don’t lie. Don’t say you’ve been indoor skydiving if you haven’t; instead, say, “I’ve always been interested in trying indoor skydiving, but I don’t know anyone brave enough to go with me.” Or, maybe in the section where you talk about who you’re looking for, you could say, “I’m looking for someone who’s not afraid to try indoor skydiving.” All of these are completely accurate, and you’ve gotten across your fun-loving side without telling one single falsehood.

But what about when you’re asked to describe how your weekends currently go? Well, it’s okay to be honest here, unless the truth is really depressing, like, “I play old records and cry.” Instead, say that you’ve “gotten into a routine” where you “stay in” - but that you’re always interested in breaking out of your rut. You could even ask for recommendations outright in your profile - then the reader has something they can easily talk about in their first-contact email.

It’s easy to show that you’re open to fun even when there’s little fun currently in your life; just make sure you’re honest about the kind of fun you want. Don’t talk about indoor skydiving if the prospect terrifies you, and don’t say you’re interested in the new club that opened up last month if a club is the last place you’d want to be. Not only are you setting yourself up for awkward conversations or a miserable night out, you’re probably only going to attract people who aren’t compatible with you. Be honest - but it’s okay to use your imagination, too!