Relationships

No doubt about it: dating can be expensive. You may go out several times a week, which can max out your credit card pretty quickly if you dine or grab drinks together. On the other hand, coffee-only dates it can become old, fast. So what can you do in this economy to have a good time, get to know more people, and not spend a fortune?

Following are a few creative tips to get you motivated for your next date:

Check your local paper for low-cost events. Most communities have free or inexpensive outdoor concerts in the summer, art exhibitions/ walks, or outdoor movie screenings. Take advantage of what's available and enjoy it with a date. If you're feeling inspired take along a bottle of wine or some picnic foods like cheese and fruit to enjoy while you're watching.

Go outside. The summer weather lasts through September in most places, so take advantage of outdoor activities. Suggest taking your dogs for a walk in the park together. Go on a bike ride or hike depending on where you live. If you both are into surfing or skating, make a date to do that. It's easier to get to know someone when you're doing something together; it breaks the ice.

BYOB. Go to a restaurant that allows you to bring your own wine. Restaurants generally mark up the prices for their own bottles, so it saves you in the long run even if you have to pay a corkage fee. Plus, it shows off your unique taste in vino.

Try restaurants off the beaten path. Instead of going for an expensive dinner at a trendy restaurant that you can't really afford to impress a date, try something different and exotic. Restaurants serving Persian, Ethiopian, or Indian cuisine generally offer better prices for meat and fish dishes than your typical expensive Italian or American fare. Plus, it makes for a more interesting date - if either of you haven't tried the food before, you can have fun seeing what suits you.

Volunteer together. While this might not seem like the ideal first date, nothing bonds people more than a little selfless act of love for people in need. With all of the tornadoes, floods, and other events that have affected our country, there are plenty of opportunities.

Open mike night at the local coffee house or bar. While you may not have done this since college, it's a fun and inexpensive way to spend an evening. For those of you who are more daring, get up on stage and recite that poem you wrote ten years ago or tell your favorite joke. It breaks the ice.

Happy dating on the cheap!

In her latest book, anthropologist and best-selling author Dr. Helen Fisher seeks to solve one of life's greatest mysteries: Why him? Why her? Why do we love who we love?

Her research, compiled in a book called Why Him, Why Her: Finding Real Love by Understanding Your Personality Type, led Fisher to construct a theory of love and relationships based on the four personality types, and their associated hormones and neurotransmitters, we discussed in the previous two posts: Explorers (dopamine), Builders (serotonin), Directors (testosterone), and Negotiators (estrogen). Now let's take a look at Fisher's findings in her own words.

Fisher described the four personality types to TIME magazine in January of 2009:

"People who express dopamine - I call them Explorers - tend to be risk-taking, curious, creative, impulsive, optimistic and energetic. The traits associated with the serotonin system express themselves in what I call Builders. They're cautious but not fearful, calm, traditional, community-oriented, persistent and loyal. Directors have traits associated with activity in the testosterone system. These people tend to be very analytical, decisive, tough-minded; they like to debate and can be aggressive. The fourth type is the Negotiator. Men or women who express activity in the estrogen system tend to be broadminded imaginative, compassionate, intuitive, verbal, nurturing, altruistic and idealistic."

But those aren't the only ways our chemistry and biological make up affect who we love, Fisher says. "Norepinephrine, a chemical closely related to dopamine, undoubtedly contributes to some of the Explorer's traits, especially their energy and impulsivity," she told Telling It Like It Is. "And oxytocin-a chemical synthesized, stored and triggered (in large part) by estrogen-most likely plays a role in the Negotiator's compassion, nurturing, trust and intuition."

Fisher's research has numerous potential applications. It's possible that, one day, technology will allow us to test partners' chemical composition, to judge whether or not we will be compatible. Each personality type views intimacy differently, so understanding the types and how to connect with each one affords you more opportunities to bond with potential partners. Within a relationship, understanding the categories can help you determine what challenges you're likely to face, and how to overcome them.

With all the research Fisher has done into relationships and attraction, does she ever worry that love will lose its magic for her?

"You can know every single ingredient in a piece of chocolate cake," she told Elle, "and still sit down and eat it and feel the joy. You can know every note in Beethoven's Ninth and listen to it and reel with the pleasure. To me, understanding the system expands my wonder."

Dr. Helen Fisher assisted in developing an online dating site's matching system. To find out more about this dating service you can read our review of Chemistry.com.

When people sit down to construct an online profile, they’re often hung up by two little words: self-summary. How do you condense a person into a few paragraphs? How do you condense yourself, when you know yourself best of all? What’s white noise, and what makes you “you”? It’s a daunting task for even the most self-assured, and nine times out of ten we wind up with a dry resume about our jobs, our location, and our Friday nights spent watching TV - even if none of those things are actually important to us.

So how can we go about livening up a profile, making it better reflect who we are? Well, there’s definitely more than one approach - there’s nothing that says you have to conform to a one-size-fits-all format when it comes to an online profile.

Let’s say you’re a creative person who writes well. Why not think of fiction as you write your profile? Oh sure, keep it honest, but insert a little fun and imagination. Maybe instead of your 9-to-5 job you’ve got a daily battle avoiding zombies and vampires (metaphorically, of course). The trick here is to add whimsy, but not so much that you seem like you’re literally living in a fantasy world. If you can pull it off, you’ll come up with a profile that sticks in someone’s mind - who else has zombies and vampires?

If fiction isn’t your forte, go honest and conversational. Instead of thinking of your profile as a resume, think of it as the first letter you write to a pen-pal, or a friend. Ask questions, include anecdotes. By making the profile a little more personal, the reader will feel as though you’re speaking right to them, and that you’re acquainted already.

Perhaps you feel these styles are a little advanced, but you’d like to liven up your profile just the same. Well, as you sit down to write, remember that what makes you “you” doesn’t have to be defined by your job or even your hobbies. Maybe you’re the only person you know who likes to take your shoes off and walk in the rain. Maybe you make it a point to hit every tourist trap you can on road trips and buy a magnet. Include the little details, the reasons your friends and family love you.

Your profile can be entertaining and even fun to read; it doesn’t have to be a dry resume. However you decide to spice it up, remember to edit as well - that it hangs together, that spell-check didn’t auto-correct something embarrassing. It might not win a literary prize - but it could catch the eye of someone interesting. That’s not a shabby reward either!

When my dating life wasn't going well or I'd just come from a bad date, I liked to discuss it with my friends. Together, we'd analyze and rationalize why I was the perfect date and the man was...not. Or we'd commiserate over the fact that there were no good single men out there for us.

While it cheered me up to think that it wasn't my fault that my dating life was disappointing, this wasn't true. I chose to make excuses like: "I keep meeting unavailable men," or "the good ones are all taken." This allowed me to hide for a while and shut down my online dating profile, or blame the men I was meeting for being a constant source of disappointment. I convinced myself that he wasn't "out there," which only made it harder for anyone to think about dating me.

Instead of lamenting over the fact that you're not meeting anyone special, or maybe anyone period...it's time to try something different. There are a lot of single men out there, and following are some tips on how to keep yourself ready to meet them:

Regain a positive attitude. Nothing turns a man off more than being judged quickly. If you think that men you meet are players, or dull, or not successful, or too serious, or anything else that may disqualify them from dating you, stop. Instead of listing negative attributes when you meet someone (because honestly, you don't really know them and have no cause to judge), keep an open mind. Give all the men you meet a real chance. Then watch your opportunities multiply.

Optimize your online search. Get a friend to help you with your profile and pictures so that your best self shines through. Have some personality in your description, and show potential matches what your interests are (biking? Stand-up comedy? Cooking?). They don't want a laundry list of what you don't want, so leave that out. Focus on what you're passionate about. That's always attractive.

Go where the men congregate. Networking events are a good way to meet single men, as they like to get new business contacts in addition to meeting women. Happy hours are also good---sports bars or restaurants in close proximity to downtown/ work areas are best. Don't be afraid to circulate. If you're shy, get a friend to go with you to help you introduce yourself.

Relax. This is most important, because if you're on a mission to find a boyfriend or husband, or even just to hook up, men sense it and run for the hills. Instead of putting so much emphasis on the end result and constantly asking yourself, "is this guy worth my time?" relax and get to know him. It's never a waste of time to engage with someone. Even if he isn't right for you, he can teach you something. These lessons do help us prepare for meeting someone special...because they help us know what we truly want.

When I was dating, there were some men who really confused me. We went out on great dates (or so I thought), and then they would just disappear. They stopped calling, texting, emailing, or even returning my texts. One man I'd been dating for a couple of months texted me to confirm dinner for Thursday night, and when I wrote back to ask him where we should meet, I never heard from him again.

These incidents remain a mystery to me. While they hurt at the time, and I certainly spent hours discussing all of the possible reasons for disappearance with my friends, the result was always the same. He was gone, and I had to move on. Eventually I learned that spinning my wheels trying to figure out what had happened was only causing me more grief.

While this happens to most daters at one time or another, it's a difficult thing to face. We wonder if we're living in some kind of alternate reality. Did we go out? Did we have fun together? Was it my imagination, or was he interested in me?

Instead of rehashing what might have happened or how she/ he really feels, it serves us better to just acknowledge that it didn't work out and move on. Maybe he met someone else, or got back together with an ex girlfriend. Maybe he's busy with work. Maybe he really wasn't interested after all. It doesn't matter.

The important thing is to keep in mind the mysterious disappearance is not about you. It's not about what you could have said or done differently to achieve a different outcome. We all make mistakes when dating, but if both people are interested, they will pursue. The interest overrides the confusion and mistakes. So if your texts are going unanswered, just assume the person really isn't all that interested in a relationship.

Some tips for moving on:

Let it go. As soon as you do, you open yourself to meeting new people and having new experiences.

Stop commiserating. Sure, it's nice to feel vindicated for someone doing you wrong, but it's not always helpful to moving on. Instead of getting together with friends and listing all of the people you've dated who have let you down, concentrate on the future.

Get back out there! Don't assume it will happen all over again. Every new person means a new chance at a lasting relationship. Socialize, circulate, and keep meeting new people. Soon you'll find the person who really is the right one.

After researching why people fall in love with one person rather than another, Dr. Helen Fisher and her colleagues, Arthur Aron and Lucy Brown, determined that every man and woman is a combination of four personality types, each driven by a specific hormone or neurotransmitter:

1. Explorers (dopamine)
2. Builders (serotonin)
3. Directors (testosterone)
4. Negotiators (estrogen)

We've already discussed the primary characteristics of each personality type, but that's only a piece of the puzzle. Each personality type is primarily attracted to partners who fall into a specific category, and the personality types also determine how two people are likely to act in a relationship with each other. Let's take a closer look at how each personality type may affect who and how you love:

Explorers: Explorers are generally attracted to other Explorers, a case in which opposites do not attract. "The Explorer/Explorer match is generally strong," explains Telling It Like It Is, "because Explorers love adventure and want an partner to share their spontaneity." An Explorer seeks someone who shares their optimism, natural curiosity, and occasional impulsivity. The downside to an Explorer/Explorer relationship is that people who fall into this category are not particularly introspective, which means that the relationship may lack depth and the partners may avoid having the difficult, but critical, conversations that are necessary to any serious, long-term relationship. Explorers may also find themselves in sticky situations when their adventure-seeking and impulsivity go too far.

Builders: Like Explorers, Builders are typically attracted to other Builders. Serotonin-driven Builders seek order and stability, making them the personality type most likely to marry and least likely to divorce. A relationship of Builders is strong, as both partners are motivated to bring people together and work hard to maintain the connections they establish. Builder partners will most likely make "sensible decisions about money, family and feelings together and value security above almost everything."

Directors & Negotiators: Where Directors and Negotiators are concerned, opposites do attract. These personality types are different but complimentary in many ways. Negotiators see the big picture, while Directors focus on smaller details. Negotiators have a knack for seeing all angles in a situation, but often fail to take action. Directors, on the other hand, are decisive but often act without fully analyzing all available information. Directors and Negotiators are also highly compatible socially, as Negotiators are skilled at "smoothing over Directors' inappropriate comment," while Directors "admire the diplomatic nature of Negotiators."

What does Fisher have to say about her research? We'll find out next time.

Dr. Helen Fisher helped develop a popular dating site's matching system. To find out more about this dating service you can read our Chemistry review.