Relationships

Your friend is cute. You have fun together, you make each other laugh, and you have the same taste in music. You feel like you have a special connection, like you understand each other in a way that other people don't. You see each other regularly, and your mutual friends have started teasing you about your supposedly platonic relationship being anything but. You tell yourself that you're just friends, but are you really something more?

Here are 10 signs that your platonic relationship might be a little less platonic than you think:

1. Your friend is the first person you turn to when you have exciting news to share, or when you need emotional support.

2. You look forward to seeing your friend with more excitement than you experience when meeting other friends.

3. You talk about your friend all the time.

4. You avoid talking about your friend, in an effort to keep your feelings for them a secret.

5. You pay more attention to your appearance in hopes of getting noticed when spending time with your friend.

6. You catch yourself fantasizing about how it would feel to be together and what your friend would be like in a relationship.

7. You feel uncomfortable, critical, or jealous when your friend expresses interest in someone else, or when someone else expresses interest in your friend.

8. You spend significantly more time with your friend than with any of your other acquaintances.

9. You find yourself making plans for your future together.

10. You flirt more and have more physical contact than in an average friendship.

These signs indicate that you and your friend share more than the bonds of friendship - your connection is deepening into a more serious curiosity, romantic or sexual, about each other. If the attraction is mutual, and you're interested in seeing where your growing interest in each other may lead, take the necessary steps to take things to the next level at the pace that feels right to you.

If, on the other hand, you're not interested in pursuing a more serious relationship, here's what you can do to pull back without losing your friendship:

• See each other in groups more often than you see each other alone.

• Nurture your friendships with other people, while still remaining in close with your friend.

• Turn to other acquaintances for support, guidance, and celebrations of your successes.

• Set limits for yourself on the amount of time you can spend with your friend, and the amount of contact you can have outside of your in-person get-togethers.

It’s probably not a surprise to many that a relationship is comprised of unique individuals, and thus is unique itself. There are tips to having a successful relationship, to be sure, but all advice must be heard with consideration for the individuals involved, and tweaked accordingly. Perhaps it’s a bit like parenting: you’re nurturing something, you want it to be as strong as it can, and you’re the only one who really knows what it needs.

There’s something people in relationships, or seeking a relationship, can forget, and that is that they are one of the individuals involved. They’re one of the people they’re seeking to make happy.

The question “Does this make me happy?” is so simple that it can seem silly, but it’s also so simple it’s often forgotten. There are so many other reasons to get in a relationship, or stay in one: the expectations of friends, family, even society. But just as one size does not always fit all, some people are happiest, at various times in their life, in less common relationships.

Perhaps, at this stage, you’re best fit for a relationship that focuses on the physical, instead of fulfilling emotional needs. Maybe you want a relationship that is exactly like a typical one, but you don’t want to co-habitate. Maybe you’d like the companionship of dating, and nothing more. Whether it’s merely a stage in your life or the only way you’re truly happy, there’s nothing wrong with being aware of your personal needs. In fact, it’s kinder to all in the long run. Why enter a relationship with someone who has certain expectations and hopes, only to have one or both of you unhappy?

One of the benefits of online dating is that you can search out people who match your priorities, whatever they may be. It might be hard to meet someone who’s looking for the same sort of relationship as you at the supermarket, but if they’re on the internet, it might only take a few key words. But whether you meet someone online or bump into them at the post office, it’s important to be honest about what you’re looking for. In the long run, deception never really saves any feelings.

So as you sit down to search for a match, ask yourself what you’re really looking for. Not just as a person, but as the other half of your relationship. What sort of relationship do you want to form? And, quite simply, what will make you happy?

Online dating can be a frustrating process, but it can also be fun. There's no reason to look at online dating like you're looking for a job and interviewing candidates. Even if you claim to be "in a hurry" to meet someone, this approach is all wrong. Relationships with men take time to build. You can't just order up what you want and expect things to immediately fall into place.

Instead of going through your laundry list of personal must-haves and can't-haves when it comes to meeting Mr. Right in the interest of saving time, try putting the list aside. Approach dating with a lighter heart.

Following are some tips to cast a wider net:

Loosen those filters. If you have strict requirements for age, location, occupation, height, or any number of circumstantial characteristics, you are filtering out some great candidates from the start. Instead of narrowing the focus of your search from the start, cast a wider net by widening age range, location and other filters and see who shows up. Many women find the perfect man for them often is not their "type." So, keep your options open.

Answer emails and messages, even those you don't find initially attractive or desirable. I'm not saying you have to respond to every single message, but for the men who put effort into reading your profile and contacting you with a personal message, return the favor. Even if you aren't initially attracted to him, give each man a chance before you discount him. He could surprise you.

Say yes to a date with at least one man each month that you normally wouldn't because of his age, income, looks, etc. It's easier to cast a wider net when you don't have a specific goal in mind. Go out with someone who doesn't meet all your requirements. Then you can date with less pressure, and likely open yourself up to more possibility.

Tone down the negativity. I know it's tempting to point the finger at your last ten lousy dates and say, "see, I told you there aren't any good men online!" But this is missing the point. Did you do your best on those dates to keep an open mind, to listen and not judge? Did you give it a fair shot? Most men aren't going to be right for you, but that doesn't mean you can't try to have a good time in the process. Then likely you'll be better able to see when the right one does come along.

People like to say that “relationships are work.” And, in some respects, they are. Communication, for example, is a skill that needs to be developed and occasionally requires maintenance. Also, you tend to think about not only your own happiness, but the happiness of someone else; thus, you’re expending twice the mental effort. But some aspects of a relationship should not be difficult; these should be the easy parts. Below are just a few.

First and foremost, you should not have to work to be attracted to your partner, especially at the beginning of your relationship. This doesn’t mean they have to be drop-dead gorgeous, or that you should have lust at first sight; however, you should have chemistry. If you have to talk yourself into your first goodnight kiss, you’re already putting too much effort in.

Secondly, they shouldn’t be already attached to someone else. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule, but by and large if you spend all your energy pursuing someone who’s already in a relationship, you’re setting yourself up for pain. Additionally, if you’re looking to make your potential partner choose between you and another, you’re probably more likely to get a response by walking away from the situation than allowing yourself to be the “other person.” It’s a painful, exhausting way to begin a relationship - and the beginning of the relationship should be the part that’s exciting and easy.

Finally, merging two schedules and two lives can be difficult and full of compromise; however, it shouldn’t be hard to find the motivation to make it work. Some people become so set in their ways that they dislike the slightest disruption; well, thinking of two instead of one is definitely a disruption, but often a welcome one. You might need to shift around your schedule to manage hobbies and dates, work and time together; it can be a pain, but there are certainly worse problems to have. Someone who doesn’t want to put in the effort at all might not be emotionally ready for a relationship.

There are aspects of relationships that need vigilance; however, the majority of it isn’t complicated at all. It’s true, however, that we aren’t really taught or prepared about being in a successful relationship; we have to find our own way. So make it easier on yourself - don’t let yourself get in a relationship that’s difficult from the beginning.

Past relationships can affect our current dating lives, no matter how long ago the break-up took place. This is especially true if our partners were cheating, or somehow betrayed us. The big question is, how do you move on to love and trust someone else?

This can be a tough road, but in order to fall in love again, you have to be willing to be vulnerable. With vulnerability comes trust. There are no short cuts. What you can do to speed the process of healing along is to take stock in what went wrong in a past relationship, so you can acknowledge and move past it. As soon as you reclaim your emotions and refuse to be a victim of past relationships and destructive patterns, you can assume a place of power and control over your life and circumstances. And find a happy, trusting relationship.

Following are some ideas to assess and help you move on:

Acknowledge what you learned from the experience. In every relationship, our partner teaches us something about ourselves, even if they cheated. Ask yourself what your break-up revealed rather than focusing on blame. What would you do differently in your next relationship?

Identify your fear and confront it. While it's easy to assume all men or women are cheaters after we've experienced such hurt, this is not the case. Be open to the fact that love and trust do exist, and will be part of your life again. You are in control of your actions and decisions going into your next relationship. Don't let fear limit or control you.

Let go of anger and blame. This is admittedly the toughest. When we're wronged, we want the perpetrator to suffer as we are suffering. But the reality isn't so neatly balanced. The more we stay in a mindset of "how could she do this to me?" the more we are only hurting ourselves in the process and delaying healing. Instead, take a step back from your anger and ask yourself what you would do differently in your next relationship. Focus on moving forward and what you've learned.

Reign in the jealousy. If you are in a new relationship and feel like you can't trust your boyfriend or girlfriend because of the past, take a step back. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt unless he or she is giving you good reason to be suspicious. If you have a pattern of dating cheaters, ask yourself what the common red flags you might have ignored are, and why you're attracted in the first place. If this happened once and you're afraid of it happening again, don't cause unnecessary pain and anger by assuming the worst. Be open to finding love again.

One of the most common fears about online dating remains being scammed. Most media probably only serves to perpetuate that fear; it seems there’s always some new story about an innocent who meets someone on an online dating site who wasn’t what they seemed.

The fact is, innocent people do get scammed from time to time, in all areas of life. You could be taken advantage of by the contractor who works on your house, or by the “teens” going door-to-door for a “fundraiser.” Not everyone we encounter has only pure intentions.

“But wait!” you may be thinking. “If I see someone in person, I can judge them more accurately, and use my gut instincts. The internet is scarier because you can’t see the person on the other end.”

Fair enough. If you’re not sure if online dating is safe enough for you, here are some questions to consider: Do you ever buy anything online? Do you put your current location or activities out on any social networking sites? Are your blogs or social networking sites open to the public? Have you ever exchanged contact information with someone you’ve just met in real life, whether it’s a new acquaintance with a mutual interest or someone you’re romantically interested in?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you’re already engaging in more “dangerous” behavior than online dating - the only difference is popular perception.

So, how do you stay safe when you take the plunge and join an online dating site?

First, be reasonable about your personal details. Don’t spell out exactly where you work or live if you can help it. Share that information when you feel more comfortable and have met in person. Never give any financial information out, like your credit card number, no matter how convincing the tale. Use your gut - yes, it will still work even over the internet. And when you meet in person, use all the usual safety precautions - a public place, all information given to a friend or family member, and anything else that may make you feel safer.

But remember: you know how to take care of yourself. You navigate the waters of life every day, and probably identify and avoid the sharks without even thinking about it. Why should online dating be any different? Use your brain, and your instincts, and you’ll be fine.