Relationships

It may seem like a strange question, but it's exactly the question Heidi Grant Halvorson, a psychologist, author, and relationships expert, posed in the Huffington Post earlier this month: Are women choosing love over math?

Women have always been stereotyped as being less capable than men in the disciplines of math, science, and technology, and they are significantly underrepresented in these fields professionally. A recent publication by the American Psychological *censored*ociation, called "Women's Underrepresentation in Science: Sociocultural and Biological Considerations," took a look at the potential reasons for this discrepancy and determined that it is not the result of a lack of opportunity or encouragement, but rather the consequence of a simple preference for other subjects.

Other research has suggested that the reason may be a bit more complex: women may favor studies in language, arts, and humanities, Halvorson says, because "they believe, often on an unconscious level, that demonstrating ability in these stereotypically-male areas makes them less attractive to men." Gender roles are more powerful, researchers have argued, than many believe, particularly where romantic pursuits are concerned.

In one study, male and female undergraduates were shown images related to either romance, like candles and sunsets at the beach, or intelligence, like eyeglasses and books, to provoke thoughts about romantic goals or achievement-related goals. Participants were then asked to rate their interest in math, technology, science, and engineering. Male participants' interest in the subjects were not influenced by the images, but female participants who viewed the romantic images indicated a significantly lower level of interest in math and science. When shown the intelligence images, women showed an equal level of interest in these subjects as men.

Another study asked female undergrads to keep a daily diary in which they recorded the goals they pursued and activities they engaged in each day. On days when the participants pursued romantic goals, like trying to improve their relationship or start a new one, they engaged in fewer math-related activities, like attending cl*censored* or studying. On days when they pursued academic goals, in contrast, the opposite was true. "So women," Halvorson concludes, "don't just like math less when they are focused on love -- they also do less math, which over time undermines their mathematical ability and confidence, inadvertently reinforcing the stereotype that caused all the trouble in the first place."

Is romance really that powerful? Do these stereotypes also have an effect on men? And what are the implications of romance-driven preferences like these? Halvorson's answers to these questions: next time.

Brad is 47, Angelina is 36.

Katie Holmes married Tom Cruise, the man who was a poster on her bedroom wall as a teenager, when she was 28 and he was 44.

Arthur Miller was 41 when he married Marilyn Monroe, the bride was 30.

J. Howard Marshall II was 62 years older than his infamous bombshell wife, Anna Nicole Smith.

And most recently, 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison is making headlines for tying the knot with Courtney Stodden, a 16-year-old aspiring singer from Tacoma, Washington.

Relationships between younger women and older men are a long-standing romantic tradition, and now WhatsYourPrice.com, the world's first site that allows members to buy and sell first dates, claims to have determined the optimum age gap between men and women. Their conclusion is the result of a five-month long study, which examined more than 100,000 first dates between older men and younger women.

And the ideal age gap in a relationship is...

6 years, according to the WhatsYourPrice.com research team.

So why is the average woman attracted to a man 6 years her senior? "Women tend to mature faster than men," says Brandon Wade, Founder & CEO of WhatsYourPrice.com, SeekingArrangement.com, and SeekingMillionaire.com. "For this reason, most women don't like to date men around their age or who are younger than they are."

Maturity only gets you so far, however: the study also found that, although women are attracted to older men, they generally prefer to date men who are less than ten years older than they are.

If you are an older gentlemen looking for young love, don't lose hope. The WhatsYourPrice.com team also discovered that the preference for men who are older, but not too much older, can be overridden with one simple thing: a burgeoning bank account. Men who want to date women more than 10 years younger than themselves must pay approximately 13% more than the average to close every year of the gap, the study found.

"People are generally shallow and materialistic when it comes to first impression on an online dating website. Luckily for older men, when they fall outside of a woman's list of shallow attraction criteria such as looks or age gap, money is the only factor that can level the playing field," says Wade.

Before you lose faith in romance entirely, consider this wisdom from Wade: An older man with money can use the contents of his wallet to close the age gap prejudice and secure a first date. Then, when meeting his date for the first time, he has "the chance to show off his personality and appeal to a woman's deeper set of attraction criteria."

You’ve made up your mind. Maybe up until now you’ve felt you were too shy, or your career was too time-consuming, or you needed to help out with your family. Now, however, you’re ready to begin the search for a significant other. Sure, your social skills are a little rusty, but surely they’ll bounce back. Why waste time worrying about things like that when you could be out there searching for your perfect match?

There’s definitely some merit to this approach, but sometimes you need to walk before you run. One of the things I hear most often from adults of all kinds is, “Why is it so much harder to meet new people (or find new friends, or approach someone you’re romantically interested in) now than it was when I was in high school or college? I feel like my social skills have waned with time.”

And they probably have. Back when you were in school, you were in a new class with new people every year, and you probably met even more people outside of school. You were trained to transition easily, to become instant friends with a stranger. Now, however, the world is different. Maybe you’ve been in the same job, with the same people, for multiple years. Your friends are people you met ages ago. There just hasn’t been much reason to meet anyone new for a long time.

Thus, meeting new people becomes more difficult than you remember. Small talk feels more awkward; maybe you can’t gauge how the conversation is going as easily. It can be frustrating, and it can be tempting to give up altogether.

But remember! Social skills are just that - a skill. So how do you brush up? Try meeting new people for no reason at all. Go out with friends and strike up conversations with people of all types and ages. Practice making small talk. When you aren’t worried about whether someone is “the one,” you’re much more relaxed, allowing you to build up your skill so that it feels more natural, even when the pressure is on.

Even though it may seem like a waste of time, don’t be afraid to take baby steps and test the social waters before you plunge into a first date. And there’s nothing wrong with meeting new people in the process, too - you could wind up with a new friend! If you want, you can specifically avoid people you’re attracted to, at first. But who knows? Maybe a practice session could lead to more than you realize!

For many, the most difficult part of online dating is having to write about themselves. We’re taught that to speak highly of ourselves is bragging, and bragging is negative; while this might very well be true in person, online you’re the only advocate you have.

Some online dating sites have tried to include “testimonials” from friends and family, but these tend to make things worse than better. Even friends and family who love and care about you might not be the best writers, or know how to compliment their loved one without sounding creepy, so mostly you’ll see generic praise, like “She’s great!” or “He’s a great catch!” Regardless of whether your site of choice includes testimonials, the best person for the job is still you.

So how do you go about writing a profile that pumps you up, when your first inclination is to be humble? One way is to think yourself as something to sell. No, you don’t have to be entirely objective; one major trap people fall in is when they think, “But I don’t think I’m a great catch after all!” Your job is not to judge; your job is to sell. If you were hired to shout the praises of a giant cheese wheel at the county fair, would you mention that the competing cheese wheel might be a little more round? No, you might focus on the fact that the taste of your cheese is superior, or that it’s homemade with love.

It’s a silly comparison, sure, but it’s appropriate. Don’t focus on your negative traits; focus on the positive. It can be tempting to bend the truth, but don’t lie - that only creates more problems, in the end.

Another way to look at your profile is to remember that whoever gets the first word tends to be the one taken seriously. Say someone says to a crowd, “My cheese wheel is the best-tasting in the county.” It’s up to the next guy to prove the first one wrong, and once the seed is planted in the mind of the crowd, it’s more difficult than if he’d gotten there first.

Similarly, with an online profile you get a chance to have the first word, to control the first impression. Don’t squander this opportunity! Don’t say, “Well, I don’t have the coolest hobbies in the world...” Say, “I have a lot of fun in my free time.” Even if you’re knitting or building model train sets, you’ve been so *censored*ertive and confident that the reader might wonder if there’s secret fun in trains that they’ve missed out on.

When in doubt, the best way to write a profile is with simple, positive statements. Check over your own profile - are you undermining your first impression by being negative or wishy-washy? It only takes a little tweaking to transform your profile from run-of-the-mill to bold and confident.

Quite often, being in a good relationship can be like being on a team - a team comprised of you and your partner. You always have each other’s back, and the drama of life is just a little bit easier when it’s split between the two of you. It’s a cliche, but there’s a reason why couples often refer to their partner as their best friend.

However, like almost anything in life, the concept of two against the world can have a dark side as well. An abusive person could attempt to isolate their partner, shutting them off from everyone else. How do you know whether you’re in a close, comfortable relationship, or whether you’re in one that has become unhealthy?

Well, if you’re seriously asking yourself this question and you don’t know the answer, that might be a red flag right there. But there are some who simply second-guess every decision, and there are others who might have been in a bad relationship in the past and fear getting trapped in one again. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

Does your partner encourage you to have a life outside your relationship? Or are all your interests and free time spent together, with their encouragement? Do you still spend time with friends and family, or have your relationships become completely neglected? These questions can be difficult to answer at the beginning of a relationship, because people get infatuated and tend to neglect everything - it’s up to you to discern if your isolation is excessive.

Other questions have to involve your gut responses. Do you consider yourself generally happy, or do you think you can only achieve happiness through your partner? Do you stay with your partner because you think you can’t do any better? Are you unhappy in your relationship more than you’re happy?

If these questions stir up more uncertainties, perhaps your relationship is worth examining. An unhealthy relationship will only keep everyone involved from happiness in the long run; it’s far better to confront these issues and potentially break up than stay in an unhealthy situation. And remember, you don’t have to tackle these issues alone; don’t be afraid to go to family, friends or professionals for opinions or support!

Halloween is quickly approaching. While most associate the holiday with small children, holes cut in sheets and lots of candy, it can be a fun holiday for adults as well. In fact, a costume party is a seasonal venue that can be just perfect for meeting someone new. Don’t pass up those party invitations just because you might not have a date - indeed, you might even want to consider throwing a party of your own!

First and foremost, a costume party provides you with something that many desperately scramble for: an opener. Everyone is wearing a costume, and everyone is talking about their own. A costume can be cute, funny, scary, or amazing - and you can walk right up and tell someone your thoughts without worrying that it’s inappropriate. Hopefully a conversation will start about it; if not, there’s plenty of other holiday fodder to choose from, like the decorations, activities, or even the costumes of others.

A funny thing can happen at costume parties: some people, hidden behind a mask or immersed in a character, can feel less inhibited. They might be more outgoing than usual, more willing to approach and be approached. Sure, parties might also have other contributors, like alcohol, but the costume effect is purely a psychological one. Perhaps you might feel more bold dressed as someone else. Perhaps the person you’re interested in is feeling equally daring.