Relationships

I know a girl, “Mina,” who has hardly any trouble getting dates. No, she’s not outrageously beautiful, nor does she have any magic spellbook. Instead, she knows a little about everything, and has an uncanny ability to get along with - and, essentially, mold her personality to - just about anyone.

While some might think her lucky, Mina has a problem; she’s never been happy in a long-term relationship. “Finding a guy is no problem,” she complained. “But it never seems to work out in the end.”

Mina’s problem seems obvious to everyone but Mina herself; she’s not in tune with who she really is, and what she really wants. Thus, though she can be compatible with almost anyone on the surface, she never truly gets comfortable.

It’s common for people to become immersed in the life of their new partner; they’re being introduced to new interests and ideas, which seem all the better because their partner is so wonderful. Everyone is changed, at least a little, by their significant other. So how can we tell whether we’re simply changing the normal amount, or whether we have a problem like Mina?

First consider the balance of influence. Sure, you’re learning a lot from your new partner; are they learning much from you, or are you the only sponge in the couple? Do you feel as though one of you is always the teacher, and the other the student?

What about your friends and family? Have they noticed a marked difference in your behavior? Again, a little of this is normal; imagine if suddenly you were together every day with someone who was from a different part of the country or world. Eventually, new slang might creep into your everyday speech, or maybe your accent would be affected. However, it’s unlikely that you’d begin speaking like you were born and raised elsewhere, unless you were quite suggestible. Using those around you as a gauge can help you determine if your behavior has changed excessively.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your new life, with your new partner. However, it’s equally important that your new partner enjoys an authentic you. If you’re truly comfortable with each other, other aspects of a successful relationship, like communication, are all the more easy. Why not make sure you’re starting off on the right foot? Remember: your partner wasn’t looking for a clone, or a student - they were looking for you.

You’ve met someone new, and things seem to be going well. So well, in fact, that you’re thinking about taking down your online profile. It’s a relatively simple thing to do, but many balk at this step. Here, we examine common fears relating to taking down your profile, why you might want to do it, and why it’s not such a scary step after all.

When you remove your online profile, you’re essentially saying you’re off the market - no more, no less. However, many people attach additional meaning to the removal. For some, it might represent victory, that they’ve accomplished their goal. Thus, they become superstitious about taking it down; are they claiming victory too soon? Will fate prove them wrong?

For others, a public statement about being “taken” means they might “miss out” on a better offer. If you’re leery of commitment, it can be reassuring to know that your profile is still claiming you’re available even if, in practice, you’re not. For some, it can almost be like a slot machine - they may have hit the jackpot, but maybe the next spin will be even better!

It is precisely this behavior that might make the new flame nervous. Even if you’re not commitment-phobic, a new significant other might see that your profile is still up, and wonder why. By simply being lazy with your digital housekeeping, you might stir up feelings of uncertainty - especially at the beginning of a new relationship, when the foundation is still unsteady.

Thus, there’s really no harm in taking down your online profile. Save a copy, so if you become available again, you don’t need to start from scratch (though you would want to update it, of course). The beauty of the Internet is that it’s relatively instant - your profile can pop back up as quickly as you took it down, if you need it to. But ask yourself: are you currently “taken”? Are you actively looking for someone else, or are you content with the current situation? If the answer is yes, you’ve got your reason to remove your profile. All it means is that you’re not currently looking for someone new - no more, no less. Why look for the next opportunity when you’ve got one in front of you?

Kim Kardashian and her soon-to-be ex-husband were only married 72 days before she filed for divorce. Other celebrities haven't had much success at long-lasting love either - (Britney Spears or Drew Barrymore anyone?) While it's definitely harder to keep a marriage together when the spotlight is always on you, it's also a reminder that relationships have to have a good foundation to last.

If you're considering taking the next step with someone you're dating and becoming more serious, following are some tips to make sure you're both on the same page - before you decide to walk down the aisle:

Be yourself. The more you try to hide your fears and bad habits from your boyfriend or girlfriend, the more barriers you build in communication. The more comfortable you are being yourself in front of him, the more you can open yourself up in the relationship and the more connected you'll feel. Celebrities may spend a lot of time crafting their images, which doesn't leave much room for honesty and intimacy.

Give your relationship as much attention as your career. If your relationship is long-distance, or if you're both workaholics with crazy travel schedules, check in with each other often. It's important to put your relationship front and center to keep it going, and not rely on five minutes squeezed between meetings or a weekend here or there. It's important to spend quality day-to-day time with someone to really know if they are right for you.

Don't be a narcissist. Instead of criticizing what your partner should be doing and making the relationship all about your needs, learn to communicate with each other. Each person has needs and wants to be heard. When you acknowledge where you've made mistakes and really listen to what the other person is saying, you do the relationship a favor and leave room for both of you to grow.

Treat each other with respect. Relationships are built on a foundation of mutual love and respect. If one is missing, it will soon be really apparent that it's not going to last. Instead of always wanting to be right and blaming your partner if you're unhappy, learn to compromise. Recognize that you won't always agree, but that each of you deserves to have your own opinions, thoughts, and experiences. The more you can share, the better.

Take your time. This is very important, because often couples fall in love and think that the heady feelings will ensure a lasting relationship. Unfortunately, love doesn't work this way. It's all about how you treat the relationship: how much time, effort, and love you put into it, and whether it's reciprocal. Take your time and really get to know the person you're considering being with for the rest of your life.

Some lessons seem simple. When you’re a baby and you accidentally touch a hot stove, what have you learned? You shouldn’t touch the stove. When you try to hug a bumblebee and it stings you, what do you take away? Avoid bumblebees at all costs. And when you’ve fallen in love and it hasn’t turned out well, what should you do next time? Try not to fall in love at all.

Oh, wait. Maybe some lessons aren’t that simple.

It might be tempting to attempt to shut down all future emotion when a relationship ends poorly. However, simple aversion probably isn’t the best solution for the rest of your life. Why should you deny yourself something with the potential for good, something that might even enrich your life, simply because you met one bad egg?

Speaking of bad eggs, consider food poisoning. If you had one nasty night after some poorly-prepared food, would you starve yourself in the future? Likely not; instead, you might eye the food that has the potential for harm with a little caution in the future. Likewise, after a bad relationship, you might have learned some red flags to look for - but that doesn’t mean you should give up on all potential love with all people. Just because you met one jerk, why should all people be the same?

“But people are not food,” you may argue. “Matters of the heart are far more complicated.” Fair point, but how about this: if you had a falling-out with one friend, would you give up on friends forevermore? Or, would you understand that the unique relationship you had with that specific person might have contained problems, and you can apply what you’ve learned in your other relationships? Romantic relationships are really not that different from close friendships; the element of romance is the only absolute difference. Yet, we tend to view friendships and romantic relationships as completely different species, probably because we were introduced to the latter much later in life, and we have that much more practice with the former (not to mention it’s common to juggle several friendships at one time).

It can be tempting to make sweeping negative generalizations in the world of dating. “I will never go on a blind date again.” “All people who dress a certain way are trouble.” “I’ll never feel the same way about anyone again.” However, in doing so, you’re underestimating everything: your own judgment, the uniqueness of individuals, the biology of humans and their ability to love. Why sell yourself, and the entire human race, short?

So you’ve met someone, and you’re beginning to wonder if this person is The One for you. The problem is, you’ve obviously never met The One before, so how do you know when you’ve found them? Turning to fiction, or even the recollection of people you know, gives a slew of metaphors - metaphors that can even contradict each other. Is it fireworks or a slow burn? Magic or the most organic, natural thing of all? A new adventure or coming home?

Most people will probably conclude they’re in love, or that their significant other is the one for them, on their own. However, not everyone is big on gut instinct or sure of their own decisions, especially if they’ve had bad experiences in the past. Thus, here are a few questions to ask yourself when you’re feeling uncertain:

First, how do you express love and affection? Some are outwardly affectionate; the term “PDA” seems to have been invented just for them. Some people show their love through less obvious ways, like working on homemade projects for weeks. Many people have a “personality” when it comes to love; figuring out the type of person you are might give you a clue into your own feelings. Are you the “type” to be looking for fireworks, or is it more likely that the warm glow you’re experiencing is your own version of love?

Then, in general, ask yourself: when it comes to your relationship, are you happy? Don’t think about external stressors, like the fact that your jobs make it difficult to meet up or that you’re not a fan of their family. When you think of your significant other, and being together, are you happy? Do you want to be around them more?

Finally, when you ask yourself if this person is The One, what answer are you looking for? Are you feeling uncertain because you’re just the sort of person who likes external confirmation, or are you looking for an excuse to get out? And if you are looking for an excuse to call things off, is it because you’re really not happy, or some other reason, like a fear of commitment?

These aren’t easy questions to answer, and the answers still lie in that nebulous space that’s equal parts heart, brain and gut. However, hopefully the questions help point you in a more specific direction than whether you’ve found True Love. Even if you’re sure of your answers, don’t be alarmed if you still feel nervous - or even if you don’t. Your life, your story is your own! Why should you react exactly the same way someone else has?

Anyone who has tried out online dating knows that finding love online can be a risky endeavor. Who's telling the truth? Whose profile is filled with little white lies? Who's trying to scam you? Who's not actually single? Who has practically invented an entirely new persona for their online dating life? It's enough to make you wish that there were lessons in how read the honesty of a person's profile based on the information it contains.

Well you're in luck: such lessons do exist. Maria Coder, a 35-year-old PR manager from New York City, teaches women how to distinguish the princes from the frogs in a class called "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing 101." For the last few years, Coder has been honing her detective skills and developing techniques to determine whether her dates actually are who they say they are, and now she's bringing the results of her research to other single women.

Coder calls her methods "investidating," a collection of tips and tricks to develop your sixth sense, research a prospective date, and expose the con-artists that are lurking behind anonymous online screen names. Students learn how to perform a basic analysis of an online dating profile, and how to continue their sleuthing using social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. Lessons are given on how to interpret body language, gauge income level, and verify information like employment and academic history.

Online services can also help a curious women determine whether or not a man she's interested in is being honest. Take Gender Genie, for example, which uses an algorithm to predict the gender of the person who wrote a piece of text. Singles who are wondering if a man had help writing his profile can use the service to learn more, Coder suggests. She also advises women to check public records to see if a date has ever been involved in a civil suit, and to call the alumni office of his alma mater to determine that he actually studied there.

"In this day and age of speed dating, random meetings, and online hookups," says Coder's Web site, "a girl and a guy can never be too sure; unless, of course, they take matters into their own hands." She offers other classes for advanced learners, like "Are You Dating an A*S?," and maintains a blog full of tips for women who are looking for more ways to catch the connivers.